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I'm Struggling & Feel so Guilty

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stmoritz Sat 25-Jan-20 14:14:47

Hi all, I've just joined, mainly to put on this post and ask people for ideas and just for someone to hopefully understand.

Mum is 91 and very good for her age, she can shower and dress, make a cuppa and put a ready meal in the small oven, she can even do a bit of washing up.

Hubby and I have been living with her in her council house for 10 years, previously we moved in part-time and spent 11 months going between her house and our caravan in Sussex, that came to an end October 2018, when we had to sell up, mum couldn't be left on her own for very long, she can't get out with her trolley, so we have to be there to take her in the wheelchair for shopping a couple of times a week.

Last summer we built a lovely decking outside in the garden and we managed to spend lots of time out there and just be 'us', but now we are in with mum all day everyday, unless we go out, I'm finding I get very 'stifled' and struggle to cope with her constant asking about "what do you want to watch on the tv? She asks and asks all afternoon and evening, if I don't want anything she then calls out to my husband, who doesn't really watch it and sits with his ear phones on listening to music while on his laptop, we have spoken, argued, shouted and even sworn at mum to please, please just watch what she wants, we will ask if we want to watch anything in particular or I will watch it on my laptop or in my bedroom upstairs, but she won't leave it, her life is the tv and radio and her puzzle books, which she does constantly even in bed.

I have 3 children in their 30's and 40's but none of them bother, both my daughters have personality disorders, the closest has 3 children and struggles to cope with them and her house and we have always supported her and the children, my other daughter is in Norfolk, we are in Essex and due to her illness, we don't talk, she used to always have mum stay, but she's not able to now, so she doesn't help, my son, doesn't really bother with any of us, including my mum, so it's just me, as I am an only child and my husband, he is 65 and I am nearly 60, we have 5 children between us and 9 grandchildren, I have suffered with depression since 1994 and then had a breakdown in 2014 and gained stress and anxiety to the mix. This has left me with feelings of being pressured and stressed and the need to 'get away' or 'get out' and I cannot do to many things, although outwardly I am bubbly and confident, but inside sometimes I just want to die, I feel I've had 60 years and I just might as well end my life, the problems with my kids and now I feel so pressured and stressed with looking after mum, her constant TV questions and the fact we never get any time on our own, I just feel we can't be 'normal' and just be 'us' and feel very resentful towards mum, which I know is awful, I just can't see a light at then end of the tunnel, mum could go on for years, I did ask for respite but I'm only entitled for mum to go to daycare twice a week, we have agreed to go just one day and it starts on Monday,but she wants to know why she has to go? What am I going for? I feel bad because if I said to give me a break, she would be really hurt, she has no understanding at all of how I feel, even though I've tried to explain.

I feel so guilty that I have these feelings, I just feel my dad would not be pleased with me, he died 21 years ago very suddenly and I started getting the feelings of 'responsibility', guilt and resentment, very soon after his passing, if anyone has any advice, I just don't know how to get over this.

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Oopsadaisy3 Wed 05-Feb-20 15:22:46

I understand the problems of looking after an elderly relative, but if your DM can be left for an hour or so, why are you both sitting indoors all day watching the TV? Are you both ill or disabled ? ( it wasn’t mentioned in your OP why your partner isn’t working either) even without an elderly relative we all need to get out of the house, I don’t mean to offend you by asking, but you are both young to be indoors all day.
I think the fact that she is constantly asking you what you want to watch on TV does show that she empathises with you and she hates to be a bother, it’s sad because it’s her home after all, I’m sure you don’t mean to be unkind by saying that she ‘could go on for years’ .
Please take all the help that’s on offer, even if you have to pay towards some of it , and start getting out each day, even if only for a short while, it might bring a different perspective.

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Feelingmyage55 Wed 05-Feb-20 15:49:26

I do sympathise/empathise as I was in a similar situation. My parents resisted daycare for years and when they finally went they loved it. The days they didn’t go, they resented how boring it was with me! Although I did take them out, it wasn’t as much fun. If you have a car, can you take mum for a short drive, look at a view, borrow a wheelchair in a shopping centre and walk round, have a coffee? Does she have a friendly neighbour who would sit with her and you pay her discreetly?
* what worries me most is whether you are on the rent book as living in the house because if not you will almost certainly have no rights to live there eventually. You must put that right if needs be right now while your mum is still with it. Don’t feel guilty. Would you do this to your family when you are 91? Can you tuck your mum safely up in bed early one night a week and go out? Just ideas. Join carersuk as suggested as even emotional support will help and as you feel stronger you will make decisions that will help yourself. People on here will give you ongoing support if you keep coming back to this thread and/or open new threads.

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welbeck Wed 05-Feb-20 16:09:10

it sounds to me as if your mother is lonely.
she is trying to engage the other people in her house in conversation, in a shared activity, watching tv.
you two sound enclosed in doing your own thing, almost as if she is a nuisance. but it is her house after all, and not unreasonable for her to expect or wish for some social interaction. can you not just indulge her a little, and watch a programme together.
I know it can be very wearing looking after older people. perhaps the day centre will give both you and her a bit more energy and interest. good luck.

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Washerwoman Fri 14-Feb-20 08:54:43

Oh poor you.My very frail,elderly mum doesn't live with us but I go to see her most days.Fortunately I have siblings too who also go.And our DCs aee very good at visiting when they can.But I feel terribly guilty all the time.Guilty on days I don't go,guilty when I do because her constant repeating of certain things drives me nuts.Now as she is housebound and reliant on us shopping, changing her bed etc it's 'You don't need to do this.I can manage.You've got enough to do 'Now.I want you to take some money 'Over and over.She has poor mobility and failing eyesight but regards any kind of help an insult.I get her pride but her stubbornness and hearing the same sentences multiple times makes me stay shorter periods tbh.And it's not knowing how many years your life is effectively on hold with this feeling of responsibility
Y ou should definitely try get some respite if possible so you can have a couple of days at least to yourselves.I'm having a day off today for a long walk to clear my head.Then next week contacting an agency I've been recommended to arrange a couple of visits a week for mum to enable myself and family to be away for a few days at the same time if needed, and gently ease in some outside help.If she will allow it.Good luck with that one I'm thinking.At times I've considered bringing her to live with us.My lovely DHs idea but our DCs wisely said not a good idea in our case.Plus I have grandchildren now staying frequently and using our spare room.
Please make time away from your mum a number one priority.
Sending you a big hug.

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