Hi all, I've just joined, mainly to put on this post and ask people for ideas and just for someone to hopefully understand.
Mum is 91 and very good for her age, she can shower and dress, make a cuppa and put a ready meal in the small oven, she can even do a bit of washing up.
Hubby and I have been living with her in her council house for 10 years, previously we moved in part-time and spent 11 months going between her house and our caravan in Sussex, that came to an end October 2018, when we had to sell up, mum couldn't be left on her own for very long, she can't get out with her trolley, so we have to be there to take her in the wheelchair for shopping a couple of times a week.
Last summer we built a lovely decking outside in the garden and we managed to spend lots of time out there and just be 'us', but now we are in with mum all day everyday, unless we go out, I'm finding I get very 'stifled' and struggle to cope with her constant asking about "what do you want to watch on the tv? She asks and asks all afternoon and evening, if I don't want anything she then calls out to my husband, who doesn't really watch it and sits with his ear phones on listening to music while on his laptop, we have spoken, argued, shouted and even sworn at mum to please, please just watch what she wants, we will ask if we want to watch anything in particular or I will watch it on my laptop or in my bedroom upstairs, but she won't leave it, her life is the tv and radio and her puzzle books, which she does constantly even in bed.
I have 3 children in their 30's and 40's but none of them bother, both my daughters have personality disorders, the closest has 3 children and struggles to cope with them and her house and we have always supported her and the children, my other daughter is in Norfolk, we are in Essex and due to her illness, we don't talk, she used to always have mum stay, but she's not able to now, so she doesn't help, my son, doesn't really bother with any of us, including my mum, so it's just me, as I am an only child and my husband, he is 65 and I am nearly 60, we have 5 children between us and 9 grandchildren, I have suffered with depression since 1994 and then had a breakdown in 2014 and gained stress and anxiety to the mix. This has left me with feelings of being pressured and stressed and the need to 'get away' or 'get out' and I cannot do to many things, although outwardly I am bubbly and confident, but inside sometimes I just want to die, I feel I've had 60 years and I just might as well end my life, the problems with my kids and now I feel so pressured and stressed with looking after mum, her constant TV questions and the fact we never get any time on our own, I just feel we can't be 'normal' and just be 'us' and feel very resentful towards mum, which I know is awful, I just can't see a light at then end of the tunnel, mum could go on for years, I did ask for respite but I'm only entitled for mum to go to daycare twice a week, we have agreed to go just one day and it starts on Monday,but she wants to know why she has to go? What am I going for? I feel bad because if I said to give me a break, she would be really hurt, she has no understanding at all of how I feel, even though I've tried to explain.
I feel so guilty that I have these feelings, I just feel my dad would not be pleased with me, he died 21 years ago very suddenly and I started getting the feelings of 'responsibility', guilt and resentment, very soon after his passing, if anyone has any advice, I just don't know how to get over this.
