Of a certain age and in a heartbreaking situation

Come and join us on Carers UK. You desperately need to dump the guilt and learn how to manage mum's expectations. Otherwise, you'll end up like a friend of mine who cared for his mum until she died at 104!

So sorry to hear of your current situation and I am afraid it smacks of the daughter’s role is to look after the parent!
My advice would be to go home straightaway. Get your life and health back in order then you can realistically look at the situation in a pragmatic way.
Your mum needs care so get your brothers etc to sort it from their end.
Stipulate dates when you will visit and limit how long you will stay.
Take back control of your situation

My husband visted his mum three times a week
She came on holiday with us and out on a Friday for a meal
She died two weeks ago suddenly it is such a shock to us she was 90 and in good health
Her daughter only visted her 4vtimes in a year even with us asking her to come and vist
I can't get out of my head how furious i am with her and how i am expected at the funeral to be civil with her
When all i want to do is just comfort my husband and he was the most caring son outxx

“I don’t want to be a carer for the rest of my life”. Think carefully about that. If that’s true, then step back from your mum...there are others to support her nearby. You don’t have to be at her beck and call. Visit when you can, go home and claim some life for yourself. You deserve it-of course.?

Despite your mother thinks of you as her child and as much younger than you are - my own mum who died last year had no concept that I too was getting old and when a social worker asked her seven years ago how old she thought I was she simply said she’s still a young girl - I was 63 then - the social worker was the person who the. Tried to get my mum to put ages into perspective and who persuaded her that at 63 I too was ageing and that if I were to fall while helping to lifer her I could break a hip and become ill myself - that fortunately was enough for my mum to agree to allow Carers into our house to give me a break - you have to be firm with her and make her see that just as she wants you her daughter you also want your child - she must be the one to move to where you are if she wants you or be content with help from a care agency - you have to think of yourself .

Your brothers are nearer,its up to them to step up now,if you can visit some care homes (you AND your brothers together) and arrange for your mum to move there before any dementia worsens,so its not such a shock to her system,then make sure your brothers keep up the regular visits,("there when she wants him?"-she now NEEDS him, not just wants- and the other one- twice in a month is not good enough! Then you visit when you can and if all of you keep up the regular visits it will help her,as will the staff if you choose a good caring home for her.it sounds like thats what your mum needs now,more constant care- she needs that from professionals. And happy loving visits from her family.

Time for some breathing space for yourself.
Arrange a family meeting between yourself and your brothers and tell them that you have no intention of moving back to Ireland so they must step up and take part in your mother's care.
If they are not interested and claim that because you're the girl and it's your responsiblity to look after her, arrange her care through a care agency .
If your mother starts telling you again that you should sell you house and move, I can't see why you shouldn't tell her what is stopping you from doing this - keep repeating it and she should get the idea!
If you get a care package in place, you will have done all that you can if the worst happens -just remember you are not an only child!

Poor you - yes don't give in, she chose to be near her wonderful sons who are leaving it all up to you it seems - well time for them to step up and help!

Do not sell your home and your memories and move there, she made her choice and it isn't up to you to fill in now xx

Please put yourself first! It is so tough being a carer. I am so sorry about your son and I can only imagine the pain that you have had to deal with, and the guilt you have experienced. You need to do things for you!

I think you need to get together with your brother's and come up with a care plan . Explain to them it shouldn't just be on your shoulders . If there not willing to help physically , then they should help financially so a carer can go in and give you a break . So can have a life .

I notice you just talk about your 'brothers', do they not have family too that could help out? I'm not suggesting in any way that caring is just 'women's work' but it might be more comfortable for your mum if some personal tasks were done by a woman rather than by a man (especially her sons, as your mum comes from a generation with far more modesty than our current one)

My dad retired to the North West coast of Ireland with his second wife. As he got older his wife resented that us, his DC, didn't visit more and help out with care. We all worked full time but gave her respite a couple of times a year. My attitude was they decided to move and pleased themselves as he had done all his life. I didn't feel one bit guilty. You have been through so much so now is the time to look after yourself and get over the loss of your son. All the very best OP.

Your mother has 2 sons very close by. Why can't they do the slavery she is asking of you?

This is your life. Not hers. Live it, we never know what will happen to us.

Stay in your own home, where YOU want to be.

My friends mother did exactly the same as yours. She is now living in a good nursing home in Ireland, and my friend goes to visit once every six weeks. Works well for everyone.

Remember that if you collapse or are in any way ill, that your mother will be needing urgent care and support as well as you!

You still have your grandson and his mother in England to enjoy ?

So sorry to hear of your loss.
I believe you need to tell your brothers straight that in no book in no law does it say that it is the daughter's place to SOLELY look after a relative in their later years. They are taking full advantage of this no doubt with their wives not wanting to tie up their lives.
We are all selfish occasionally but you cannot disrupt your live as you are. Your mother chose to leave you, would she have come home and looked after you if cards had been reversed and sold her home. I should imagine the answer is No.
Please don't feel guilty, you have one live and need to live the remainder in peace. Yes love your mum ,Yes go and visit but do not become a martyr to them all.
Best wishes.

Go home - find your self - grieve / have some counselling if needed. Talk to your friends / family. We have but one shot at this life - make the most of it. Do what makes you happy.
Get a care package in place for your Mum.

Take some time out, holiday, visit friends, weekend on your own. Rest and consider the future time out will give you clarity.
Brother will cover if "she needs him" well she will when you're away. Take him up on the offer!
Whether you carry on or change things, you are no good to her or yourself whilst wrangling with the question you seek the answer to.
Be kind to yourself

It's a very human predicament. There is no right answer. But I can add that although I was able to do the best for my mum when she was dying I also remember how I resisted ten years before thinking I don't want this to be my life I want to meet someone new, if I live with my mum that won't happen. I wish now I had accepted her living nearer me, and maybe even buying a bigger house which we could share. To be honest though the power has now shifted to you and if your mum wants you near in her last years it is up to you to get her to you not for you to go to her.

Please don't feel guilty. Your mum was in her sixties when she moved back and knew she might need help as she got older. She made the decision to move away from you and back to Ireland. There is plenty of good advice here for you. I just wanted to emphasise that there is no need for you to feel guilty whatever happens.

Why not ask your Mum to sell her house and build a Granny flat. Best of both worlds I'm sure she relies on you rather than the other way around. Remember one day you may be in her shoes we only get one Mother and mine died 2 years ago age 86 and I miss her terribly.
She had dementia and went to live with my sister in Wales as she had the lesser commitments...Old Age comes to us all. Do what you feel is right for you and your Mum. Speak to your brothers re Support you are family.
So Sorry for your loss of your Son x

Your priority is supporting your Grandson and your Daughter in Law, plus yourself. Visit your Mother of course, but do not sell your home, you need it. Your care for your Mother could be taking control of the situation, arranging carers, and offering to be part of the respite arrangement? Please don't feel guilty, even if you were living with your Mother, you would not be there 24 hours a day.

Please do try to concentrate on your own life and your business.

You have been through such a lot that it will take time to feel happy again.

DO NOT allow yourself to be coerced into becoming your mum's carer. Have an honest talk with your brothers, explain that your life and home is in England and that you cannot continue travelling to Ireland to help.

They obviously do not want to care for your mum either, but they need to sit down with you and find a carer for her.

I know how hard this is, but your mother cannot demand you take care of her and will need to realise so.

I cant reply fully now but read with feeling for circumstances. Please please, don't even think of moving back. Dont make any decisions or start arrangements ♥️

Would it be possible to tell your brothers that you need them each to take a third of the time with your mom, maybe a monthly type of thing? Carers can be called in to help your brothers learn what to do.
Great advice from gmarie I personally would go one step further and announce that I would only be available 1 month out of three.

As long as you keep tearing yourself in two, no-one is going to help. You need to contact the local social services then go home.