End of tether - advice please Mum's moved into sheltered housing and won't throw anything away

As DH and myself are in the middle of packing to move house I know how difficult it is to go through years of "stuff" I am having to be very strong and have given lots away to homeless charities etc. Special bits with memories from way back are being crept back into the packing boxes though. I wonder if you could collect special bits from mum and dads lives and put them into a keepsake box that she can keep with her especially until she feels more settled and more able to deal with her new circumstances . All good wishes to you xx

oh gosh, this has made me start that stupid crying again.

it has made me feel for your mum, as I haven`t yet disposed of all my dead husbands things... I just can`t... and as i am getting on in years, though in apparent good health, I am thinking well leave it all for the kids to deal with when I am gone...

it is so hard,, even without a mental disorder, (well I hope I don`t have one, other than grieving and lockup disfunction)

I so feel for your mum, and you , of course... I really don`t know what the answer is... but I can pray for you, and anyone else in similar situation, and send cyber hugs... hope it helps, but I guess not practical help.

We told my Mum that we would store the stuff at our house until she needed it. We did take if there, but gradually disposed of it over the next few months. My mother never asked about any of it. She had taken all the things most important to her into her new flat and I think she just forgot about the rest. I didn't like the white lies, but it kept her happy.

We can get attached to things. I had a pink Paul Frank handbag that I loved. Grandchild now 14 and his sister now 5 both played with it as babies. I have photos of them taking things out to look at them and play with them. I've had it hanging on a hook near the door for 2 or 3 years while I use a smaller lighter handbag if I go out. I didn't want to throw it away . I did so this morning, to the black bin as it has some stains in the lining and a small tear. No good for a charity shop. My heart sort of clutched when I put it in the bin.

Now that was just an old bag with memories. Think of how many memories your mum will have. But if the bag had vanished I am not sure I would have noticed! I would have a look for anything that might be worth saving or giving to charity, or invite a charity to come and help themselves, and take the rest to a tip and don't mention it to mum again.

I did have to move 25 years ago froma 3 bed house to a small flat and de-cluttered then. I also had to then move to Spain for 2 years and keep a smaller UK flat and things went to one or other but now I am in the UK in one house with some boxes in the loft..... I can't get up there and the friend who put them there gets grumpy if I ask if things are there, but except maybe for some papers, which are now down, the 'things' are not important as I haven't used them for the last 12 years since ending up here.

Please ring the Social Worker and ask for urgent help. The SW has generated this situation and therefore should be involving others plus voluntary agencies. Your mother seems to need a lot of help at the moment, both mentally and physically. Please don’t try to do everything yourself. Others can’t help unless you ask them to. If you are getting bitten the social services should be sending people in to clear and fumigate the property. Try to make sure you find time to look after yourself over the next few days. Good luck, you must be a very caring person.

Look here, love, realistically your mother isn't going to miss old soft toys and dirty clothes. So throw them out.

Any clothes you can't remember seeing her wear go out or to a charity shop depending on condition.

Old letters, cards etc. go out too.

Anything you know your mum will want, should ideally be kept if it has sentimental value for her, and if your mother is still mentally fit and actually remembers what she has.

You need to consider yourself as well as her. If she demands something that you have disposed her, tell her sadly that it got damaged while you were clearing the house. Or more honestly that it had to go, as you don' t have room to keep things for her and no money for storage.

This is a very difficult problem for both your mum and for you. Downsizing is really a 6 month business when you have a life's worth of possessions to go through.

Had you had money you could have employed a declutterer and house mover to work with your mother to do this. However you have not so you will have to take the best advice you have been given on this thread.

This site may help you organise your thoughts
www.fivestarseniorliving.com/blog-post/6-tips-for-helping-a-senior-downsize-before-a-move

This is an example of a profile of a WK decluterer who helps with moving
www.apdo.co.uk/user-profile/the-home-organiser-357/

Storage is too expensive for most people. Paying the declutter is more cost effective.

I do feel for you . Find out about storage in the meantime . It took a friend a year to sort through her mother's home before putting it up for sale! Could you have a pop up sale ? People come and buy/donate in exchange for items . Find a man with a van . Also what does SW stand for ?

Quite a few charities do a house clearance scheme and take everything for a fee. We used St Francis Hospice of one In Essex and the Air Ambulance For Hertfordshire.

I think you will just have to fib to your mum. Maybe the landlord can give you a weeks grace.

When I was in a similar situation a few years back I came to realize that there comes a point when you have to become the assertive person, the parent to your aging parent, as it were. It was very hard, as I had always been bullied by my mother, but I did manage to be firm and basically told her what to bring. I was lucky in that her house was bought by former neighbours and they agreed to get rid of all her stuff that was being left behind. I lowered the price of the house slightly in return for this. I just loaded my mum and her stuff in a van and took her to her new flat. She never really asked about her things after that, she died about three years later still believing that it was being stored at her old house. I realize that this may not be possible if your mother is living in rented accommodation.

A lot of our parents generation were brought up to hoard in various ways - they lived or were born into the 1920s, 1930s or before when money was very tight and things were kept "in case they became useful" and some items were used again and again beyond sensible use.
With that background, and probably living that way as well,throughout their married life, it is not surprising that they hoard and it often only comes to light when either having to downsize or the pass away.
Items that are dirty, smelly, damaged etc should just be thrown straight out. Any gifts that are unused I am sure can be donated to charity shops or binned, because I very much doubt if your mother will know every single item in her possession. You can possibly get rid of other things, saying that they were damaged during the move.
The thing is, mum is having to make drastic changes not of her choosing and she is worried about your dad and about what living in a place where she knows no one, with the change in lifestyle at her age is most probably frightening for her, so that could be why she is lashing out at you and behaving like she is, by still grabbing hold of all that she knows.
Maybe, if you can, take her shopping for new items so she can feel that her new place is home and hers - even if it is just the odd rug or cushion , and in the meantime, edge all the tatt out the door!
It will probably take time, but I hope that she soon feels more settled than she does now.

This may sound harsh but you don't have much choice . Keep things of any real value or anything that she holds dear to her heart . Being she was a hoarder , she probably doesn't know what she's got . Either sell the rest and give her the money or donate to a charity shop . Good luck ?

Bag and bin anything that is obviously rubbish, and box up and label anything she will definitely need. Anything else could go into other boxes marked as excess so it can be looked at later. Is there anywhere those boxes can be stored for a while, or they may have to be stacked along a wall in her new home. This is what was done for someone I know. Five years later she still hasn't touched the boxes, but seems happy to live amongst them, even though it makes moving around a bit limited. It's her life and her choice. Maybe this would be an answer for your mum. Good luck with everything.

I dont know how long your mother has lived in the house but we asked for a couple of weeks extension on MIL's house which gave us more time.
If your mother has moved already does she have to be with you when you sort nd do ou have anyone to help you who may be more ruthless?

I expect you're busy so may not see this thread anyway.
Good luck.

I feel for you MommaP xx I am in the middle of sorting my Mum & Dads home and disposing of stuff that needs to go. Definitely get rid of all the dirty infested stuff...speak to the landlord of your mums old home and ask for a couple of more days to move. Explain that your mum is not well and you are not feeling well yourself having to deal with your mum and the move itself..I am sure they will have a heart and give you a little more time. If it is a Housing Assoc property they are meant to give you 2 wks to move everything out anyway. If your Mum has a friend or relative who could have a heart to heart with her that might help also they can explain how hard it is for you too and that your doing your best to help her... Is there a Social Worker involved who may have supported your father's move to a nursing home...they should support your Mum too. Maybe Social Services could help and support her...they can then get other agencies involved. xx

If she wants, or thinks she wants, all this stuff, I would move it to the flat. Then when she’s in it, she’ll realise that she’s living surrounded by boxes etc and will come round to getting rid of it I’m sure. At the moment, I think it represents her past life which she can’t let go of...I know how hard it is, but let her do that in her own time. It will be awful and you will leave her there in an impossible situation and possibly feel guilty or very angry but she has to make the decision herself.

When we had to sort MIL's house I did find important documents in amongst piles of old magazines and brochures so I wouldn't recommend just binning them without sorting through first.

Very stressful for you!

So your Mum just wants to keep everything?

As has been mentioned, sturdy bin bags and do as she wishes.

As Callistemon said , this is her life.

She's probably frightened about losing her husband to a home and having to leave her own home. So she's clinging to the remains of her life . In her mind she may feel that everything is disappearing and this is the one thing she can get control of.

Very difficult for you indeed.

You have my sympathy, we were in a situation like this, we had to move the contents of our second home during lockdown at just twenty four hours notice.
We were able to contact a friend who found a removals company, they had storage containers which we were able to hire. Short term solution as all furniture is being donated to a hospice shop, it was quite pricey though.

Reading these comments is so very sad for everyone, some of our parents get to a stage in life where changes need to be made and despite the fact it's a necessity, our parents dont see it that way because in their minds they can fully manage just the way things are, it's so sad.

I have seen numerous situations where a move has to be made and I have seen both the absolute harrowing for mum or dad and the stress that its caused to the son or daughter, just so very sad for all.....

It helps enormously if mum or dad go into the changes with full acceptance, if that takes place then the whole experience is a wonderful happy stress free time, but obviously that is not always the case ....

Sending hugs

I'm sorry but it sounds awful, but must be done. Any thing that is dirty, stained or downright unhealthy needs to go. Any thing salvageable needs to be stored. Tell mum that this is how it is. She has agreed to move to be closer to her DH so I bet she is aware but unable to cope, bless her. You need to take over to ensure all done. Good luck.

Would you be able to pack what you know is rubbish or broken into specific boxes. Sounds as if you are doing most of the transporting to new place. The identified rubbish could either just "disappear" to the tip or even your place for a few days to see if it is actually missed once your DM moves to her new place. If a storage unit isn't acceptable and everything is moved the new place will be a hazzard. If the flat doesn't have concrete floors I would even say the flat isn't built to take the stuff from a 3 bed house and the floors will sink. Do not envy you your task.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It's a horrible and traumatic situation for all of you. If your mum is a hoarder in the true sense of the term she has a mental health condition which it would be impossible for you to deal with on your own especially in such a short timescale. It's common for hoarders to save unsanitary or to us valueless rubbish that they cannot part with. My parents had a lot of "stuff" and that took myself and two friends 3 days to clear with piles for tip/charity/keep. It was emotionally difficult for me as I felt I was throwing away them. I kept things that were very sentimental but it was difficult. Other things that were sentimental but I simply didnt have space for I took photos of.
I'm not sure whether you are facing a wall of solid stuff that may need professional help or just a lot of belongings. Someone mentioned landlord responsibility. I'm not sure but get the impression your parents home might belong to the local authority? If it is hoarding in the true form it may need specialist clearance as there are health risks,you've already mentioned fleas there could be mice infestations etc. Pass it on to your social worker. They can be very helpful but are also very pressurised. To be honest if she thinks you can cope she/he will probably let you get on with it. The situation you are in is incredibly emotionally upsetting without this issue. Be kind to yourself,you can only do your best.

Hope you have more family could you not share their possessions around to ease the problem for the time being Time not on your side In my experience putting things into safe store only puts off the problem unless there is going to be a time limit and ofcourse who pays for this ???
Good luck it’s such a difficult time for all involved to come to a satisfactory solution X

MommaP

Struggling so much physically and mentally. Mum wont even discuss things going into storage. I'm running out of time - piles and piles of dirty soft toys etc piles of clothes that are smelly and stained . I've been bitten by what I assume are fleas numerous times.

Didn't sleep well again - don't want to get up today

Ah!

Bin bags. Rubber gloves.
Hoarding like that is a problem and it will distress the hoarder unfortunately.
Can you give your mother a pile of stuff to 'sort' into a cardboard box to keep her busy? You can always dispose of it later and she may not remember it.