End of tether - advice please Mum's moved into sheltered housing and won't throw anything away

MommaP what an awful situation for you. Could you speak to the Landlord and get an extension to the rental agreement to enable you more time to clear your Mums belongings? If not they will not do this then I would firstly get rid of the dirty and smelly items. Have you got any room in your home to store some things even temporarily? You cannot take infested things into your home or let your Mum have them. so get some treatment spray for anything you bring back to your home. If none of this can be done, have you any friends or family who could help store some belongings? Lastly if none of this is available you will need to move it into a temporary storage unit. talk to your Mum and ask her to pay and if she is able go and sort this out together? Anything that is thrown away and she questions you may have to tell a love lie.

When my Mum moved into residential care I had to clear her home, luckily I had room in mine to store but it was still hard having to get rid of her belongings, some of which I still have. As she had Dementia she never asked about any of that or her home so in a way I was quite thankful.

I do hope you find a way of getting through this. Be strong.

I am amazed that someone thinks it is the Landlords problem??? Why is that?

This is one of these burdens that are so unwelcome but fall on adult children. You have my sympathy. So much to deal with at the same time no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. This is when you need a mediator, someone your mum trusts and is known for being sensible. This person can take responsibility for the unpopular decisions. My mum had to move abruptly into a care home near me a few months after my dad died suddenly of a heart attack. There are a lot of things like photographs and sentimental ornaments that I wish I had packed into her case. I didn’t appreciate neither of us would be back in the house again. My eldest brother, my husband and close male friends cleared all the rest to the dump/ recycling centre. I feel it was the right thing to do and in the end it was brutal but saved any agonising over what was to be kept. Mum needed a whole new wardrobe in the care home anyway as her clothes deteriorated quickly in the industrial laundry. Take heart in that you are not alone in having to reverse roles with parents, it is hard at first but gets easier and will give you peace of mind eventually. It’s easy to lose sight of what is important. Your parents health and safety and your own mental health. ???

I know it's awful but one solution could be to "lose" some things in the removal process. Does she really know exactly what she has got? Years ago we moved my mum. Because she was injured I had to pack up her house then my brother and SIL moved everything. From time to time she would mention that she hadn't seen something since she moved. Now I did throw a few things out but not much. I think my SIL might have 'disappeared' a few things as well. But certainly she never really missed them.

I think storage is not cheap so be ruthless in what you "save".
Get rid of all the filthy stuff as you have no time to wash it. BUT if your mother will miss certain teddies/clothes pick no more than a load out to wash.

Later, you can, if necessary, admit to "lots of things" in "emergency" storage. This way she doesn't have to confront the idea that a lot has been disposed of.

Please try to focus on an easier future. I really feel for you. Good luck. The worst will be over soon.

MawBe's suggestion is a sound one. As time is short, and if you haven't room to store in your own home, I would do as she suggests and try to get your mother involved in making decisions. If you get nowhere with that then just bag it all up and move to a storage without discussion until she is in her flat. When she questions where it is you can suggest she take a week to sort out what is there and then you will bring the rest to her to do at her leisure. If there isn't a lot you can get a small unit. If you don't want to pay storage for any length of time then give your mother a time limit on the storage. If she is able to get around she can go with you to the storage to sort out. Given it is causing you distress I would be proactive. Time is not on your side. Good luck and give yourself a treat when she has moved.

geekesse

Ok, two days means a short term solution to begin with. I’d be inclined to rent a storage unit for a short while so you can get your Mum’s stuff out of her old house. Move as much stuff as you can squeeze in into the new flat and put the overflow into storage.

Once she has settled into her new flat, she can decide how much of the stuff in the flat she wants to keep (a lot of it will get in her way), and any surplus can go into the storage unit. She might want to take some items out of storage. After a month or so, she may be willing to clear the storage unit out, and if she isn’t, tell her she will have to pay the rental cost.

A friend of mine has a similar problem with an emotionally fragile family member who is moving into a small sheltered flat from a large house she shared with her mother, who died well into her 90’s. The amount of her “stuff” including unworn clothes, unopened presents, hoarded toiletries, bags of books etc is daunting.
All I would add is that instead of moving as much as possible into the new flat and putting the rest in storage in the hope of getting rid of it later, I would suggest Mum chooses what she really wants to take with the option of adding some of the other bits later. Once she has lived without much of her clutter she may grow less attached to it - out of sight, out of mind?
Good luck though, I was hugely grateful that my Mum had died before we needed to clear my parents’ house and never knew what happened to many of her “things”.

What a stressful time for you MommaP both you and your Mum must be worn down by it all.
All the theoretical stuff about helping people who hoard is really out of the window when time and money are so short. I think Oopsadaisy has the right idea, get rid of all the infested and smelly stuff then rent storage in the short term for the rest. You really can't take infested goods to her new flat or you will have an on going problem.
I sympathise, its not an easy situation to deal with. Good luck.

Your poor mum.... and you. She has lost her husband and her home, now she has to loose things that they have aquired over many years i should imagine. She must be mentally and emtionally drained and having to decide what to keep and what to get rid off so difficult right now. The storage unit seems the best idea, then she can take her time getting rid. I hope you find a solution.

TBH, I would get rid of the dirty rubbish, then put the rest into a storage unit, maybe short term, don’t tell her, just do it and don’t mention it again, until it needs to be paid for, by her, if she refuses to pay for it then dump it all.
If there is absolutely no money to pay for a unit, then you will either have to walk away from the property and let the landlord clear it out, for which you will be charged, or dump it all yourself.
You don’t really have too many choices.
It doesn’t sound as though your DM will be going back to her home, if you are giving up the property and you definitely don’t want her to have all of the stuff in her new home. Just make sure that you don’t get rid of any actual precious objects or paperwork. But don’t keep talking to her about it, it just upsets you both and nothing will change the situation.

Struggling so much physically and mentally. Mum wont even discuss things going into storage. I'm running out of time - piles and piles of dirty soft toys etc piles of clothes that are smelly and stained . I've been bitten by what I assume are fleas numerous times.

Didn't sleep well again - don't want to get up today

I suppose what is a mess to you is her life.
Her belongings probably collected over many years and some may be treasured.

It is difficult. My mother wasn't a hoarder so there was no rubbish but it was still difficult packing up her home when she had to leave it and we still have some boxes of 'stuff' in the attic, much of it had a sentimental rather than intrinsic value.

Can you surreptitiously get rid of real rubbish, pack up the rest and as others suggest, rent storage for a while?

Thanks everyone

Mum discussed with SW and agreed to move to be nearer to dad. SW said not to tell her dad unlikely to move to flat. Old property was a health risk and dangerous. I can't afford a man and van .

Mum's mental health's been up and down for years.

are you the only person dealing with this, on behalf of yr mother.
realistically, could you afford to get professional removers or just a man with van type, to assess how much storage would be needed, then have him transport it to storage.
it's better than having it suddenly destroyed, if it cannot be moved in time. i presume the house was rented.
you may need to seek prof help re hoarding issues, later on.
it is very difficult thing to fix.
it is a mental disorder, not bad behaviour.
try not to antagonise yr mother. she will be extra stressed with yr father moving to residential care, and her having to move. try to deal with it as much as you can taking a practical pro-tem approach.
good luck.

good advicd from geekesse.

I do feel for you, this is so hard for you. The question about choice is significant however. If moving out was not fully her choice, that may be the reason why she it digging her feet in.

Ok, two days means a short term solution to begin with. I’d be inclined to rent a storage unit for a short while so you can get your Mum’s stuff out of her old house. Move as much stuff as you can squeeze in into the new flat and put the overflow into storage.

Once she has settled into her new flat, she can decide how much of the stuff in the flat she wants to keep (a lot of it will get in her way), and any surplus can go into the storage unit. She might want to take some items out of storage. After a month or so, she may be willing to clear the storage unit out, and if she isn’t, tell her she will have to pay the rental cost.

Was it your mum's choice to move out to flat?