End of tether - advice please Mum's moved into sheltered housing and won't throw anything away

sodapop, I think part of the problem is that the cared for client nowadays has a right to choose. This on the surface seems perfectly acceptable and fair but not all clients have the same ability to choose. Some have no real concept of what they are choosing. Relatives who have legal responsibility and have looked after them for years can feel that their experience and expertise is sidelined and the choice decided upon is not always in the best interests of their cared for relative. SW staff often are on tight time limits these days and work for agencies who expect speedy solutions. I am not a SW so can't speak from experience except what I have heard from others. Like all aspects of life you get those who go the extra mile and those who want the quick solution.

Excellent advive pigsmayfly.

Pack stuff into black bin liners. Have 3 piles. 1 for Mum, 1 for charity and I for smelly stained stuff. Tell Mum you will move her things in a little at a time. Move the Mum piles into her flat. Take the smelly stuff to the tip. Hold onto the charity stuff in your own home for a bit. See what a Mum asks for. Take her the things she asks for. Hopefully she won’t ask for much and you can go ahead with the charity drop. Hope this helps xx

That is quite unsettling Devorgilla to hear this sort of comment is not uncommon.
I worked in Social Care for many years and hope we were more sensitive and caring than that.

MommaP/sodapop: I have to say I am not surprised about the comments made by SW. A friend of my sister's has suffered similar comments when trying to sort out home help etc for her disabled sister. They see her as the problem because she doesn't instantly fit into their plans. I do feel for them on one level as they are merely carrying out conditions laid down by the Government and have limited money but they can still use appropriate language to interested parties.
Good luck with the move. It sounds like you have managed to get some advance. As I said before, give yourself a nice treat after it is all over. You deserve it.

Hope things go as well as they can today MommaP, glad to hear you have a bit of help at least.

I have to say the comments from your SW sound very unprofessional and when things have settled down I would be asking for an explanation.

MommaP, I do hope you are receiving some physical help with all this. Moving home is exhausting at anytime but this sounds really tough. Enlist any help you can and don't be hesitant about chucking what you know is rubbish. Arrange some storage - it is not as expensive as you think. Reassure your Mum that you are 'taking care' of her things and that she can fit some more stuff into the flat once she has settled. After a short while you could ask her what she'd like you to bring from storage then discuss the cost of storage. Concentrate on getting her settled and content in her new home at first. That is more important than anything. She may like her new place just with her favourite things and let you give the rest to charity (her chosen one). If you can't move it all in 2 days ask for an extension explaining your predicament. I wish I could physically help - good luck and let us know how you get on. ?

Luckily for me my late mother had cleared her stuff out .My late mother in law was a hoarder and it took a week to clear her house out .My husband kept lots of her stuff and won’t go through it (he’s a hoarder )cannot see children won’t want it .Slowly getting rid of it but garage still loaded up

Mum actually commented yesterday on how many boxes we'd stacked in flat. Social landlord said no help available as mum had us! SW told me over the phone he felt our relationship has been toxic for years, she was fine and I was the problem - so feeling more than a bit broken today - going to give it one last push today and walk away ( damage to property already means recharge )

I've tried so hard - family have chipped on to help using one of last leave days today

It is a very stress for time for both of you. Temporary Storage is expensive especially if the stuff is no longer going to be needed needed or if no space for it. If your mother can afford an overlap in terms rent on both homes for month, then you could sort out the essential and truly sentimental stuff to take to the sheltered accommodation during this period and then call in house clearance company/ charity who may take the remaining contents away for free, especially if there is some stuff that could be sold.

Everyone has given such good advise. Throw away everything that is soiled or infested - you do not have the timescale to do anything else with it. If your mum kicks off then so be it, she has had the opportunity to speak up and has decided to leave it all up to you. I fear that whatever you put into storage, if you go down that route, will still be untouched and in storage for years to come. And will cost you money you donot have. Contact the SW with your dilema, hopefully there may be some assistance for you. Do not be tempted to store any of her dirty/infested things at yours, it will only spread. You are going to have to make decisions, extremely difficult but it has to be done. I'd to do very similar and so has a dear friend of mine. You dont have much time at all. Maybe her landlord will give you an extra week or so to clear the property if you tell him/her of the circumstances but they dont have to. Otherwise your mum will have to pay for another months rent. If you dont clear the property yourself and the property belongs to the local authority you could be landed with a hefty bill for someone else doing it. You need to know the details of her tenancy to avoid this. Contact her SW quickly. Very best of luck, sadly,you're not going tobe thanked whatever you do. My friend had to dispose of old out of date paperwork that was 20yrs old for her relative two skips of old floor coverings & furniture that no one wanted. Remove the 'nasty' stuff then ask a friend if they could lend a hand.

If DM won't get involved, just chuck the whole lot out. She probably won't even notice.

I do feel for you very much so but I feel for your mum so much too suddenly the rug had been pulled from under her feet and none is her decision or so it sounds, first her husband gets taken into a home (was they part of that decision) your mum and dad sound about my age (I’m 75) and the thought of someone taking all my precious memories housed in my rather generously big old house and dumping then would kill me (Albeit mine arent flea infested ?) Then she gets moved to a smaller place (was she in agreement with that move) and now it seems necessary she gets rid of all her memories and familiarities
Quizqueen that’s a pretty nasty solution to come up with, hard as nails, ‘play them at their own game‘ do you see her as a different species or something
I can see no other solution than what everyone has suggested a storage place for a month (here they are £80 a month) while you sort the flea ridden stuff out from the genuine bits and pieces and then let her have her familiar stuff around her even if she looks too crowded to you

Just thought, I phoned local Carer's Association when I was at the end of my tether and SW wasn't listening. Lots of helpful advice and best of all a call to the SW which resulted in action within half an hour. Perhaps CA, Age Concern, Salvation Army etc could put you in touch with volunteer help?

@MommaP - You have my sympathy as this is an awful situation and you do not even have the benefit of time to process all that needs to be done and time to organise or sort through a lifetime of your parent's possessions. Whether their home is local authority or privately rented, I would not consider leaving their stuff for the landlord to deal with as this will almost certainly be more expensive than doing it yourself and/or renting short-term storage. If, as you say, much of the stuff is dirty, unhygienic and smelly, any landlord will charge a small fortune or call a 'hoarder specialist' cleaning firm - also pricey.

I think the suggestion others have made about just throwing the real rubbish and boxing other stuff on the condition it is sorted quickly is a good one. One of the problems hoarders have, apart from the obvious not wanting to get rid of things, is they find it hard to make decisions, each item is milled over even if it is dirty, broken, useless and they find it almost impossible to make quick decisions. I would ask your mum if there are a few dozen items she really wants and knows how to locate them! On the plus side, hoarders can rarely remember everything they have so, after a while, she may fail to notice missing 'stuff'. Soft toys etc may be sentimental but hardly essential.

Do you know if it is more likely to just be 'tat' or 'collectibles/antiques' etc? If she had things of value there was no room for you might be able to persuade her to sell items and buy one new nice thing for her new place with the proceeds of the sale(s). If this proved a successful tactic it is one that may be repeated so she ends up with some nice, appropriate bits for the new flat and each will have a story attached to it she can tell new friends/neighbours...e.g. I got this nice cupboard/unit/display cabinet by selling a dinner service, 2 rings I no longer wear and a dozen first edition books....it might give her some motivation and make parting with things easier. Obviously this would be more straightforward if her 'stuff' was collectibles or desirable easy-to-sell stuff. If she no longer has a record player but has a collection of vinyle records a shop or collector might take the lot...if you suspect there may be a few gems amongst her possessions put them into one of the storage boxes, label it, research it then throw or sell accordingly.

The last point I would make is if there is anybody who could help you accept that help - friends, relatives, neighbours, charities, social workers etc. I wouldn't be surprised if staff at your dad's nursing home have had similar situations with their other resident and may have advice.

Good luck whatever you do - maybe use us on Gransnet if you need a moan, a cry, a scream, any more advice etc. I hope your mum is soon settled and you can get on with your own life.

Oh dear, I laughed and said to DS at the weekend he may need 3 large skips.

This thread has made me think that we really need a sort out. All is tidy and clean but the cupboards and attic are full of unnecessary stuff.

I can really empathise as we had to move my mum to a small flat, and she had a LOT of stuff! We ended up squeezing in as much as we could, and squeezing the rest in to our home.
The one thing I would suggest you do is let your mum see the empty flat, or be there for the last things being moved. My mum became convinced we had left things in her flat, (particularly books she had put money inside) and kept writing to the address or turning up to look for her things. No amount of reassurance from us ever eased her mind.
And she never did unpack all the boxes she moved in with.
My heart goes out to you, it's such a difficult thing to manage. Make sure you have some time for yourself after this.

I think you said you couldn’t afford a man and a van, so I’m thinking there might not be the money to pay for storage. What is the point of storage anyway? There is nowhere for this stuff to go to. It will never go anywhere, just sit there in storage for ever costing money. It sounds as if your mother has become a hoarder in that she has all these old toys and dirty clothes etc so she is not going to change and suddenly become someone who can go through stuff some time in the future and sensibly decide what she can have what she doesn’t want and so on. You are trying to meet her needs. But you can’t in this situation. It is impossible. You are going to have a breakdown yourself trying to. You’ve taken some stuff over in boxes. Maybe see if there is anything else you think yourself might be of some use and take a few more boxes if need be. Then get your Mum to the new house on the day as best you can. Then go back and get the rest to the tip in any way you can. Maybe there is someone who could help you. Try not to get too emotional and upset yourself. It is just the nature of life. It happens to us all in the end one way or another. I feel really sorry for you. For your Mum too. But it is one of these things. Good luck and my blessings.

Have you a friend/family member who could help? When we cleared out, SiL was wonderful, no sentiment or prevarication, we whizzed through everything in no time. Mum's not helping because she can't, it's too difficult for her. Unfortunately you now have to be the adult. You have a deadline so steel yourself. Rent a storage unit for the minimum time you can, move everything in there except the BASIC stuff that she needs in the flat or anything that must be thrown out now. If you have a car you can sort it yourself (very tiring though) or preferably hire 'a man with a van' for a day which is a cheaper option than a removal company. Make sure your DM pays for it. Move Mum with minimum belongings to the new place and then go through her stuff in the storage unit by yourself - again no sentiment, keep only what she loves and has room for. Also contact the SW for a removal grant, although I think it might be late in the day to get physical/practical help from that quarter.

Your parents need professional help.
Hoarding is a mental health issue and there is nothing you can do.

Protect yourself.
You cannot make your parents do anything they dont want or are ready to do.

My heart goes out to you,it's an awful situation to be in. Renting a storage unit is costly,my son had items left over from his move. From a 3 bed house to a 1 bed flat so he's rented a garage. You could do that and then go through the things in your own time. It would give you a bit of a breathing space. You are a wonderful daughter. I wish you the very best and please take care of yourself. x?

Plonk everything in her new lounge, on her bed and on every chair and available surface and leave her to it! I think then she will probably suggest that some/most of it has to go!!!! The manager will also insist on it being moved as it's a safety risk. You have to play them at their own game.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I had my elderly father move in with me because he wasn’t looking after himself very well. He was 200 miles away so his younger sister and another relative cleared out his house and packed what he would need, such as sofa, fridge etc. What they considered important personal possessions. He didn’t get a say, he was moved to a care home for a few days while they did it. We drove up with a van to collect it all, when it was done his sister picked him up from the care home and I drove him down here in his car. He was with me for three years and not a week went by when he didn’t moan about something his sister got rid of, but he coped. It annoyed me after all the hard work she had put in, but I just nodded sympathetically.

Everyone is being helpful, but you sound at the end of your tether to me and sorting stuff for charity, having sales etc takes time and some money, both you seem to be short of. If you can identify what your Mum is specifically concerned about, as in items, that would help, prioritise anything you’ve established she wants and keeping any paperwork/ family stuff like photos, dump the rest. It sounds harsh, it is, but for your sanity I feel it’s the best. And yes, I’ve had to do it.