Washerwoman you have my total sympathy. It’s so difficult trying to do the best for someone who is very independent and stubborn, to their own detriment. My mother lives alone, is 96, and I am 16 miles away. She was similar to your mum in that she didn’t want any help from carers, and family help only on her own terms.. She became more frail and debilitated with arthritis, and in severe pain, and went on to oramorph for pain relief. She was fussy about easy meals, only accepting those from M&S, and wouldn’t agree my organising her medication in a safe way, but insisted on managing herself (she is a retired nurse). Result being, she fell down the stairs, out of her chair lift, whilst whoozy on morphine, and hasn’t walked since.
After weeks in hospital she returned home, having to accept carers 4 times a day. She can do nothing for herself, and has a hospital bed in the lounge, in a house which is totally unsuitable. Mentally she is deteriorating, but is still very determined, and can get angry with carers and me, if we do not do what she wants. Refuses to consider a care home, and regularly presses her alarm button, calling out paramedics unnecessarily. She has my brother at her beck and call who lives nearer her, and I try and manage from afar at the moment, but it is so difficult, coping with frequent crises, and her house maintenance too (its old), not to mention Covid.
Don’t feel guilty about how you feel, it’s very normal, you need to prioritise yourself, and your own well-being. Taking time out to go for walks and so on.I have found that the only sane way to stay sane is to set boundaries, about what I will and won’t do. She’d love me to be there constantly, regardless of my own family. As she has become more dependent she has become completely self centred, which I guess is why she has managed to live so long. You really do need some support
to manage, particularly if it becomes long term.