In need of advice....and empathy

Well what can I say, you are in a awful situation with your mum and my advice would be tough love, just leave her to get on with it and don’t respond to phone calls for help. Tell Social Services it is over to them and let them deal with your mum. Your mum after a while just might see sense but I am not hopeful. It is easier said than done but I have had to do it with my daughter and now I have got past the feeling guilty stage and don’t feel so stressed about it anymore, after all you have your own health to look after.

I agree with Barmeyoldbat Frann. You've put everything in place including aids and carers to give your mum the best care you can so you need to step back and look after your own mental and physical health.

The only thing you get from constantly banging your head against a brick wall is a headache. Perhaps with you not being at her beck and call, your mum will begin to appreciate all that you've done and you may be able to get your mother/daughter relationship back on track.

I hope so. Good luck

Impossible to deal with someone so irrational. Good advice to withdraw and let SS sort her out - if they can! Some major crisis will overtake her soon, which is possibly the best thing. At least SS know about her and will have records of their dealings with her (always have “what would they say at the inquest?” at the back of your mind!)

I am so sorry this s happening to you, I can feel your distress !! Such an unbearable situation for you. Has your mother always been hard to please? Maybe she needs a dementia assessment, everything you mention may mean she has dementia. If I may offer my thoughts :- please see her GP not easy at the moment I recognize that. Tell him / her exactly what is happening and don't pull any punches , paint the worst picture. Explain how you are at your wits end and can no longer continue the way you are. You emotional heath is at risk and you need help. Please take the best care you can of yourself and keep us posted . Irritability can also be a sign of depression, whatever the reason for your mothers behaviour it does need addressing. I send you ' hugs' and am thinking about you.?

It is going to Get to crisis point with either yourself or your mother of both but you probably won't get any further till that. Have Social Services been involved since she has gone home? If they see how things have deteriorated since she is home they may take over the situation and say that she isn't coping well and needs to go back into a care home, capacity to express wishes is one thing being able to look after herself is another. You are going to have to grow a thicker skin bite the bullet and be as blunt with her as she obviously is to you tell her you can't cope and if she carries on going against you you are going to withdraw all your help and then where would she be, do you have a husband? perhaps he can be with you when you speak to her, women of that age group sometimes take being told from a man better than their daughters who they think they can bully into submission by putting them on a guilt trip.

I’d have told her a long time ago ok, get on with it, I’m off
I’ve come across too many bitter and twisted older people to care or give in to them.

There are 2 people who need looking after here - one is your mother; and the other is you!

You are putting energy into making sure her needs are met (or giving the chance for them to be met in the face of refusals) but how much energy are you devoting to looking after yourself?

It is absolutely not wrong to be looking after your well-being. I suspect there is an element of dementia with your mother, and you cannot argue with her under those circumstances.

I suggest that you ask SSD for a Carers Assessment - this is your legal right, and, although I doubt any more help will be forthcoming, they will have on record your circumstances. You need to say to them that you cannot continue this situation and that you will visit your mum on (pick a couple of days of your choice) and that outside those times you will not be available.

I know how hard this is to do - but you have to make sure that you are not being worn out by all this. What help is it to her for you to be exhausted and unhappy?

Fran enough is enough. I think as long as carers are going in daily then she is being looked after. I doubt very much she will dare complain to them like she does with you

Frann
I often say to people don't rescue to the point where you have to be rescued

You have painted a wonderful, if challenging, picture of your mum as a cantankerous old lady and you have my sympathy, but I agree with Barmeyoldbat, Social Services must step in, not just to help your mum but for your own health and sanity. She is walking over everybody and only a person in authority, who is not emotionally involved, can get her the help that she needs, which is to go into a care home. I'm sure care homes are used to dealing with people like her, getting old and perhaps with a bit of dementia can make for a very grumpy antagonistic person. As the old saying goes, you have to sometimes be cruel to be kind. She needs to go into a care home.

Youre tough merylstreep when you love your mother and have a conscience you can’t just ‘be off’

I think shelflife has given you good advice Frann
When my mum had Alzheimer’s she became very difficult as she was trying so hard to prove she could still do everything and was still capable Dad and I tried lots of things like carers we sold it to her that they both needed them but she gave them short shrift and told them in no uncertain terms to let her wash, dress or whatever herself she’d done it enough years to know what she’s doing etc etc
Anyway long story short when it got too much I turned to the Gp and so much help was put in place she was given a dedicated Social worker and occupational therapist until eventually she did have to go into residential care. I was still involved but the main stuff was taken off my shoulders

Turn to your GP explain the situation and ask for help

None of us know what we will be like if or when dementia or even just inabilities came along
Good luck Frann

I have no experience of what you are going through, but think Bluebell has knowledge of your situation, it does sound as if your mother has some sort of dementia. It what we all dread, especially being a burden to those we love. I would not want to put my children through what you and your sister have endured. Your health will break. Tell social services what you have told us and just say you can’t cope and won’t be available for a while. Your mother probably needs a home suited to her needs. You are not abandoning her, you have been a good daughter, but your mothers needs are too great and I am sure if she really knew how difficult she has become she would be horrified.
All the people that care for elderly difficult family, deserve a medal.

BlueBelle
Yes I am when it’s needed. But if you were in trouble I’m the best person you could call on.

Really good advice Luckygirl. I agree.

The situation with social services at the moment is challenging to say the least because of all the problems the pandemic has created. They most probably think your Mum is ok as she has you, so if I was you I would ring them again as Luckygirl suggests and tell them this cannot continue. It really isn't true that care companies cannot provide what your Mum needs and believe me, they are used to difficult clients.

for you.

I have had my many years of doing voluntary work for the Alzheimers Society and listened to so may stories like the one Fran has described. It is an incredibly difficult situation for carers to be in and I don't t want Fran to
continue in this predicament any longer than is necessary. A dementia assessment should be sought and that may well set some wheels in motion. Fran, I cared for my mum for four years - living with us. Fortunately she was not difficult. From my working and personal experience you will not be helped unless you shout - loudly!! If you are seen to be ' managing' nothing will be done. Please protect yourself and your mother by talking to her or your GP and don't be a shrinking violet. Make it clear you are becoming ill with the worry and responsibility and whatever you do NEVER feel guilty. Go for it and seek immediate help .x

You and your sister have done everything you possibly can to help your mother, and she is doing everything she possibly can to alienate you. It is very unlikely now at her age and state of health, physical and mental, that she will change.

All you can do now is take steps to see that she is safe and protected as possible, and if that means she goes into a home or sheltered accommodation without her approval, so be it. You have to disregard her ceaseless complaints, which are really a refusal to accept that she has grown old and cannot manage independently, because she is skilfully inculcating a feeling of guilt in you and your sister as her revenge.
You have to learn to distance yourself from it , for your own sanity, otherwise she will destroy you.

Your mother wont be happy no matter what you do.

You have done more than enough.

I wouldn't do anything else for her - a long time ago.

She is so unpleasant and entitled she pushes everybody away till she is fully on her own and sees the consequences of her actions

As long as she is considered mentally competent, there is nothing you can do.

I have an inkling of what this is like, but nothing like your situation. I will tell you what I think would be useful:
Ensure that the 'official' care is in place for your mother - I can't quite see what that it at present, but ensure that it is in place, without any of your input.

Then tell your mother that you have to take a week off - don't tell her why, but if you have to, say you are unwell - it doesn't matter - just that you won't be there for a week. 2 weeks would be even better! Justify this to yourself by realising that without a break, you simply can't go on.

Use that time to care for yourself, and see how things pan out. I am often astonished at how these cantankerous folk manage once they can't have relatives at their beck and call.

I wish you luck!

Social Services will always step back as long as they see you coping and don't hear from you. I have had to say to Social Services I am withdrawing xxxx help from daughter as from such a date, over to you. I agree that you could go to your GP and discuss with him, sometimes it takes longer, sometimes not. I have always gone straight to SS as I have found it quicker in my neck of the woods.

OP

Was your mother always this difficult or it changed at some point?

Thank you for all your responses and wise words. I have a carer in place and you have all reassured me that we have done the best for her. She has always been difficult and very selfish and I doubt she will ever change; I think that has been wishful thinking on our part. I am going to detach myself from the situation and leave her care to the carer, I am sure if there is an emergency I will hear about it otherwise she is fine.

Good decision.