What arrangements should we put in place for old age

I'm 69, just lost my husband in February to Covid-19 I'm going to try and stay as independent as possible for as long as possible. I've told my three daughters to use my money to pay for residential care if I'm unable to look after myself. Especially if I have dementia. I might downsize to a Retirement property in 5 or 6 years if I'm still active.

We haven't moved to our final home yet but moved some years ago on retirement. After living in a country village my main requirements would be as a lot of the ones other people have mentioned.
Walking access to shops, newsagents, post office, Dr's,Dentist, hairdressers pharmacists and if possible solicitors. Some clubs or WI all in walking distance.
Also, good public transport links if your family are not near you and you do not want to drive. We have non of these and while we drive it is not a problem but might be in the future.
I would also be looking for accommodation all on one level or the possibility of living downstairs and blocking the top level that we could maintain with the help of a cleaner if needed.
We love our house and are not looking to move yet but Covid has highlighted what we might need in the future.

I think it is really important to downsize whilst you're still able to manage it. We did this last year, DH is 75 and I am almost 70. We still haven't finished the decluttering but it is easier (and essential) to do this when you are living in a smaller place.
We're still able to sort out the renovations which we intend to undertake and, whilst we do have stairs, we could live on one level if necessary.
Our outside maintenance and heating is undertaken by the estate management company so all we have to do is maintain the inside.

I am 69 Dh slightly younger. We bought our present house six years ago, assuming we could live here for the rest of our lives.

Now, I sometimes wonder whether that will be possible.

DHs health is not exactly deteriorating, but although no doctor can find anything wrong, he is not as active nor as strong as formerly.

I am doing more and more, and frankly have started wondering if in five or ten years time I will be able to continue.

However, I can live with the garden turning into a wilderness, as we can't afford help with it, and no-one is offering to help without payment - after all, why should they?

I assume when one of us dies the other will sell this house and find something smaller and easier to run. That at least is what we talked about a couple of years ago.

I try not to bother too much about the future - none of us know how long it will be.

My sister worried about how she would manage on the her pension and if she could afford to put money aside to supplement it, then died at 60 - nine years before she would have qualified for her pension!

Not perhaps the greatest of consolations, I know.

I have thought about this due to loosing DH it brings home your vunlerability if you have any health issues. As i have had a couple of nasty trips, one when coming down stairs i decided that i would sign up to our local Careline. They have issued me with a pendant and it detects falls if you have one. I feel safer since having this. I also contacted SS and they have fitted grab rails in my bathroom, outside my back door which has a high step ...difficult to get out and back inagain... they really help. They also fitted a rail beside the steps of my front door so i feel safer going in and out. My have a keysafe by my back door too and all my family have the code to open it if necessary to gain access to the house. I have made my will, paid for my funeral and i will go in the plot i recently purchased for my husbands ashes. I am slowly clearing out cupboards and rooms of items not really needed or necessary. Today a new shed base has been completed in my garden and a new shed will arrive in Nov. This is so the current shed can be cleared of anything not required any longer. All my husband's tools... and he had many.... will go to the children if they want them if not i will try to sell or give away free on Market place. I will keep what i think i need. I know i have no need for grinders, sanders and drills i can not use them anyway. It will be a sad process as my DH aquired them over several years. Goodness knows what else is in there as he was a bit of a hoarder so that will be my project through the winter months. Then the old shed will be dismantled and got rid of and either a paved area or turf will be laid in it's place, My children will be told that i want carers if and when the time happens and i will do on line shopping if i cant get out and if i cant do that they will have to get my shopping or order it for me. I am reluctant to have a DNR because if god forbid i had a stroke i know there is an injection if given in time can reverse it, if i had a DNR would that not happen? I need to think about that really carefully.

... this is one of the best threads I've ever seen on GN... informative and helpful.

I've learned a lot from others telling their stories and am going to give some thought to what people have said.

Thank you everyone for your contribution. You have given me the motivation to get things 'sorted'.

What you say is correct - however, if you want equity release which we are planning to do, they do not accept Tenants in Common, they require either single ownership or joint ownership. If you do it with Tenants in Common, the equity release will be based on one person only and if they are the first of the couple to die, then the house will need to be sold as the equity release mortgage then becomes due.

I have read this thread with great interest. I am alone and have been since 2009 when my husband died. My children live in UK, Australia and St. Lucia. My Australian son nursed his wife for years before she died, He is having a ball driving all over the most deserted part of the country taking photos of birds. My daughter, who is the eldest chid is now 68 and still working. That leaves the son in St Lucia, aged 59 next month, single and with a very large house. I already spend the winters there and over the Pandemic I spent almost two years before coming back to London. I am now deciding what to do. I do not like living alone. I do have about 4 friends in London but no family. The children are in constant touch with me and I will go back to St Lucia in November after I have seen the cardiologist and had a cystoscopy and had my cataracts removed. Currently i am shredding old private papers, filling 4 barrels of all sorts of stuff to send to St Lucia and then the family thinks I should sell this flat plus car space and store room and live permanently in St Lucia. I do agree but I feel a bit uneasy cutting off my home here, but I know I am getting old and less confident than I was. My younger son has always accepted that he will have me living there and it works out well. I don't impede on his social life and we have space enough to leave each other alone. I adopted two old dogs after our 5 Jack Russells died and I do miss the old dogs dreadfully. I have made two children powers of attorney and the St Lucia son is the executor of my will. For my age and health condition I feel well but a bit shaky as my legs feel jelly like and getting old makes you think of the future. I miss my husband dreadfully even after all these years. I kind of know I cannot live alone much longer. I cannot read my meters, my hands are not strong enough to open jars and bottles and today I started out to see the Cardio ( known his office for years) and actually went to the wrong place, rang his secretary and found out i had gone on the wrong date although today was on my calendar! I am not complaining. I know I am lucky to have children who care for me, but making large decisions is difficult and throwing away what is really detritus is hard after 36 years in the one flat. It is scary. has anyone else felt fearful when they decide to pack up, sell and move elsewhere? I would value your experience and advice,

Reading all this lot about people who have done the ‘right thing’ is quite depressing. Not even really sure where my cheque book is!!

Definitely set up powers of attorney. It's been a godsend to us whilst dealing with elderly parents suddenly getting ill

My mum has had to go into care following a fall and dementia diagnosis. I'm an only (67 year old!) child and luckily have LPA and am Tenants in Common on mum's bungalow. This has enabled me to access her bank account online and deal with care home fees and get her property ready for rent ( skip hire, decorators, Gas and electric reports etc etc). However, the admin is still proving stressful, dealing with HMRC, DWP and other pensions so that her mail is redirected to my address.Having an LPA in place is essential

Get the Power of Attorney sorted as soon as you can! My DH and I did this a couple of years ago and I never dreamt I'd have to use them so soon. OH has Dementia, two types of cancer, one of which can no longer be treated and after a spell in hospital with neutropaena was admitted to a nursing home where he still is. I've used the PoA for Financial Affairs to access the money in his name to help fund his stay there. There is no way I could look after him at home, it was becoming increasingly difficult before his spell in hospital and it would be even more difficult now as his needs have increased dramatically.
We were planning to move nearer family earlier this year but the sale fell through, which in hindsight was probably a good thing. So quite a bit of decluttering took place then. I am still being ruthless about unused/unwanted items and they go out when I come across them.
I really don't think we can plan too much for the future as you just don't know what is going to happen and how you are going to react. But get anything legal done while you're still of a sane mind!
DH seems settled in the home and has round the clock care for all his needs. Has told me more than once that he really doesn't want me to take him to the toilet!

Hi ladies, I am a first time poster but wanted to comment on this thread.
I am my Mother-in-law's carer. She has many health problems, ie losing her eye sight, arthritis and last Christmas was diagnosed with mixed Dementia. I could see for a couple of years she was getting very forgetful, leaving food to boil and generally not herself. When my MiL was finally diagnosed it was a relief.
We moved from London to a beautiful village in Kent 10 years ago and at the time the decision was we would like her to move with us thinking ahead. My MIL lives next door in a bungalow and it is working well. She is happy but the ever day chores like washing clothes, cooking, cleaning, general hygiene with showering etc is down to me. The bills, general maintenance, gardening is down to my husband.
I have three children and my youngest is 10. I am 50 and find it works out well for us as a family unit but it doesn't work for all. We lived with my MIL for a while when my oldest was a baby because of buying a home. My FIL died over 20 years ago and my husband promised his Father he would look after his mum. I have a SIL but she lived in Newcastle and has a stressful job so the care is down to us.
It is hard work at times especially juggling school runs with hospital appointments but it is what it is. My children adore their nanny and she adores them.
I wouldn't say people are selfish with looking after elderly relatives because of everyone's situation is different. Some people have families at home, working full time etc. I work as a carer when my youngest started school but now only work 1 day a week as I love it so much. I do think ahead sometimes and worry if my MIL Dementia will get worse but then I have to take one day at a time and we will dealt with the situation if needed. I have to be careful with shopping as I left a big bag of multi pack of crisps on the side and forgot to bring then next door to my house. By the time I remembered, she had eaten 6 packs in one afternoon. We do laugh sometimes with the going ones. We have too.
My own parents are also poorly but luckily for me my sister and brother are hands on so we generally all help out together. I think if you have support within your family unit then if does make a difference but not everyone has that support so it makes everything alot harder. Sorry for long post.

…whoops! 61 I meant. i was sure I put the 1 in there, what happened?!?

foxie48

We have completed powers of attorney and recently moved from having our own bank accounts to making them joint. OH does most of the financial planning because basically I'm idle but I know how to access the information I need to deal with our finances if God forbid he goes before me. We've talked about what we would wish should we have a catastrophic stroke or injury etc and our daughter, who is a doctor also knows. OH is keen to downsize but I love our house and actually should one of us become disabled in some way, we have a downstairs bedroom and bathroom should that be needed.
tbh It's difficult to cover all bases but we talk very frankly about the future and how our needs might change, not just with each other but also with our daughter.

Well done you foxie48! My husband and I have discussed end of life wishes and I am currently in the process of writing a letter to my executors, one of whom is my husband, to put them (end of life and burial wishes) all in black and white, and the solicitors can keep that letter with my will. Husband plans to do the same soon. We have no children, but one of our nieces has agreed to be my second executor if my husband dies before me and I plan to ensure she gets a copy of the letter shortly. Husband is almost 75 and I am 6, and he manages our savings well. I would like to downsize at some point, but we love where we live so not yet. All the best to you anyway.

I bought a bungalow that needed renovated so I made sure that everything I did will help me as I get older. I think my gardens might be s problem, but hopefully I can pay someone to sort them out. I am praying I will manage on my own as I really don't want to go into a care home.
I live alone, there is actually only myself and my sister left in the family and she's on her own too. My sis and a close friend have been told where I keep my will, which is very important to have done, as I've seen the trouble it causes if you don't and another has been made my executor. I have detailed in writing my funeral arrangements and wishes.

i am 58, i was widowed at 39 so it was just me and my son, i have had cancer twice in 3 years (came out of hospital yesterday), my son knows that if i can't care for myself then i go to a care home, i have no money as i have been on benefits for 10 years due to other health problems, he has money set aside for a cremation with no funeral service, i have been honest with my son the same as my husband and i were, i had to turn off the life support for him as it was what he wanted. all the paperwork for things regarding the house is all in a folder if he needs it. some people will think 58 is too young to sort this out but my husband was 57 when he died,

I agree absolutely with Lucca and AGAA4 that decluttering is essential. It is heart-breaking for children to deal with parents and relative's treasures after death. It also means if you do downsize it makes life easier. I keep telling my children where all the documents are, wills etc. but they never seem to take this on board. So just do your best.
I also would not refuse to go into care as my parent and DH parent refused and it made out lives very difficult. Also put names and dates on photographs.

We moved to a 3 bed/2 bathroom bungalow. It had been updated by a builder so is all new and very modern. It is the best move we could have made. There is good access to all the facilities even if in a wheelchair, spare room for a carer if necessary. Lovely south/west garden. We were in our 70's when we moved and found it traumatic so I recommend doing it a bit earlier if possible. My mum in law is 95 and still at home and looks after herself so not everyone needs help when they get older.

Twig14 you have my every sympathy. I know how hard it is looking after an aged parent who will not acknowledge that they cannot any longer do the things they once could do. It is sooo stressful and takes a terrible toll on your health. Mental health in my case. I dread the future because I don’t know when it will end. You probably do too. I’m not as old as you are, but I still get very stressed with it all. After a nice ten days in Greece, I came home feeling relaxed. Mother is in a nursing home so no worries. So what did she say on my first post holiday visit, she’s thinking of going back to her flat. She can’t manage without substantial help from us, so I would rather she stays put in the nursing home. My daughter asked if she’s saying that to punish us for going on holiday. It wouldn’t surprise me since after our week in Somerset earlier this summer she wouldn’t speak to me. I don’t need this at this time in my life, and I’m sure you don’t either Twig.

Agree with posts above about Powers of Attorney being first step - and yes, you need both 1) Health and Welfare and 2) Property and Affairs. However, I would urge you to activate them immediately. Otherwise, you can find it takes many weeks to come into force, and that is valuable time in which your chosen Attorneys (usually spouse or children) are powerless to act. If you have a stroke, COVID, or even if you just break a leg, you may need them to act on your behalf. They must act in your best interests, and be able to show a court that they are doing so. Second thing is do an Advance Decision to accept/refuse treatment. You can get these online and download them. Thirdly, consider moving to where you are within walking distance of shops, doctors, pharmacy, buses etc. For 'the Legals', best to appoint a solicitor with special qualifications in the affairs of the elderly (I know, not a very diplomatic title!) to advise on legal matters - worth paying for it. Doing these things will give you peace of mind and allow you to enjoy living for years to come.

I looked after both my parents. My DF was almost 100 when he died of Covid. My DM is now in care. She too got Covid months later but started with dementia hence now being in a Care Home. I pay almost £4,000 per month for her care. Her savings are almost depleted and I’m now faced with selling her house. I am 75 and my DM is 101. No planning for my parents future was put in place they dismissed any talk of it. I have had an extremely stressful time sorting everything out. I just wished they had listened when I asked them to let me help them sort things. My DH is 80 and believe me it’s stressful and I know it’s taken a toll on our health. My view is organise as much as you can while you are able too.

Monica..
I think the main thing is to maintain an open state of mind, being prepared to accept the changes mental and physical that may overcome you and to accept the changes in your life that may be necessary.

easier said than done, that is what I am battling with,, tell me how do do this,, please!

My sister is at now 81 and after 2 strokes is living at home with her husband and daughter caring for her with some care visits each day. Her daughter still works full time. It is so hard for them all, my sister can`t walk and is so demanding. She really should be in a home , she screams in the night and throws things around, verbally abuses them too. I have told my sons get me in a home and get on with your life if I end up like that.
Other than that I think de clutter as much as possible, organize the paper work and try and not be lonely.

Some good advice here. We moved to our new modern, spacious bungalow five years ago to be nearer family as I was struggling to cope on my own with my dh, who had vascular dementia, heart failure and Parkinsons. He died two years ago. Before he died, the arrangement we had was that if either of us were on their own and needed care, my brother and his wife would move in (they have their own property which they would rent out) and in return they would inherit the bungalow. Since I have been on my own, I am very independent and have decided I want to stay that way as long as possible, then maybe I will consider warden controlled accommodation, or even a care home. My sil is currently looking after her 95 year old father, and I think she should not have to look after me as well when the time comes, if ever! My only son lives in Australia.