Mums lonely

It awful to hear of people living to be 90 and so lonely. You’re just a burden and no one has time for you. Talking today to a neighbour in her late eighties, who has had a very busy life and can’t keep on top of things, she still has her husband who has dementia, she said she just exists and is so lonely. Would rather die younger than face that.

KatJ my mum had poor hearing after catching measles from me when she was a young woman over the years it got worse and through social services she was allocated a phone with a screen so she was able to see what people were saying to her this was about twelve years ago so not sure if it’s still available but would it be worth checking this out too it may make your mum feel more involved if she finds it hard

Hithere

I know plenty will disagree with me

Being old and sick does not override the needs of others - it is a compromise between all parties.

That may be true in theory Hithere but when you know someone probably only has a few years left and you love them you want to make those years as happy and comfortable as you can so you do your best to meet their needs. What's the alternative? Argue and upset them?

I know plenty will disagree with me

Being old and sick does not override the needs of others - it is a compromise between all parties.

Hithere

There is only so much you can do, your mother cannot rely on others for her happiness

In fact, being needy will push people further

She is old. All that her life rested on has disappeared. She is lonely in a way now one can make better. I don't think it's a stage of life when you can use cod psychology.

My mother was the same. In her 90s, until the last couple of years, she knew she couldn't change things but she did love the company of those she had known and who knew her. She was never a joiner so that wasn't going to change. She never had a lot of "aquaintances". She had had my dad and the family - by then two-thirds of them in other countries, good friends - by then all dead, and lovely neighbours who spent time with her as my family and I did but none of that could ever make up for what she had lost.

I think the idea of a cleaner is a great one. Some people volunteer as visitors too which may help. However, with mum it was because she wanted the last bit of the familiar that she hankered for the family.

Thank you again everyone.I’ll try Age concern first, see what they say. It’s very difficult trying to source the information, let alone trying then to convince mum it would be a good idea.

There are a number of charities who will help sometimes they will go round and sit and have a cup of tea o lace a week some will have a game of cards or similar some would even take them out for a walk in a wheelchair on a nice day
You need to engage with some voluntary organisations katy
Start with Age concern
Good luck it’s a big problem fir you but not really her fault either

Hello KatyJ another good place to try may be your local Church. Ours is very helpful to all in the community whether they attend services or not. They have weekly coffee mornings and a lunch club where volunteer will pick people up and take them back home. They can also give advice about local support systems which may be of help to both you and your Mum.

Katyj I wonder if there is a carer's group in your area who might give you some support. I found out about one after my mum died I wish I had known before that. They seemed to offer coffee mornings, a chance to chat, exercise and even massages. It might help you to have regular support.

My mum was exactly the same, and I was run ragged trying to do my best.
It just wasn't like her at all, as she was such a kind and caring person, but she made the last part of her and my daughter's lives so much more difficult than they already were.
Perhaps try and organise an afternoon a week where she has another option, and stick to it.

We’ve been away twice this year, and both times she wasn’t very well, of course there was nothing I could do about it, but she insisted I talk to the carers. After that I couldn’t relax at all.
I wish she’d at least move into sheltered housing, but she won’t hear of it. Her closest friends seem to be keeping their distance lately which is a real shame, she can be very judgmental though ,so has probably said something to upset them ,although she has a heart of gold ,she has very strong views and is very Stubborn.
I’m going to have a look around see if I can find anything that might interest her. Although I know it’s really only family she wants.

Of course KatyJ must live her own life Hithere, she is already doing everything she can to meet her mum’s needs, and she needs help, which is why she asked for ideas. I stand by my immediate response to your post though, at 90 years old her mum is not going to change, and it’s not helpful to point out that pushing people away will be the consequence of her being needy. You may not have meant to come across so harshly, but I took a sharp intake of breath when I read your post.

I’m so sorry KatyJ.

Can you take a break? Ask your children to take a weekend a month? So that you can be truly off? If you have 3 kids, they take a weekend very three months to be on call?

Please find a way to put yourself first, if only for a little while

Casdon

This poster has previous background of the burden her mother is imposing with her unrealistic expectations

Doesnt OP have the right to her own life?

Thank you everyone.It really helps hearing other people’s perspective. Your right I think no matter what I do, even if I have people popping in and out all day it wouldn’t be enough.
The pedicure could be a good idea, she’s always complaining about her feet, and the NHS aren’t providing the podiatrist at the moment.
My AC visit once every month each, which I think is fair.Her memory is fading so she always says this haven’t been for ages !
The problem probably lies with me, I feel tremendous guilt, and find it very difficult to let it wash over me, maybe I’m depressed. I’m unable to relax for fear of the phone ringing, especially through the night as I’m on call 24/7 if she presses her alarm.
I feel as if I was born to be a Carer, as my dad was ill from age 55 ,I was only 26 then with a young family, but mum relied on me ,not so much physically but mentally she’s always suffered from anxiety herself. and I’m still at it now aged 64 .
Anyway thank you for listening I do go on a bit.

MissAdventure

Give the woman a break.
She's 90!

Yes, and?

That doesn’t mean she gets to demand more than OP can give!

Katyj my mother lived in sheltered housing so had contact with quite a lot of people through coffee mornings etc.

My aunt lived in a sheltered block of flats and there was a community room where organised activities took place regularly.
I know it's been difficult with Covid restrictions but is there any sheltered housing in her area?

I don't think you can win whatever you do. If she's anything like my mum no carer or volunteer will be good enough. You are doing more than enough already. Try to let her complaining wash over you. If the gcs or ggcs could pop in occasionally to give you a break that would help.

I know it's hard katy but you can't set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

Carers 3 times a day, daily phone calls, sometimes twice and visits twice a week.

You are doing so much and I'm sorry she is not in a place where she can appreciate that.

I think you need to carry on as you are and put this issue down when you aren't actively with/speaking to her. It's not fair on you to carry around her unhappiness.

Try the services suggested and know that you are doing a wonderful job for your mum.

Our village has a voluntary group who will visit for a chat - does your area?

I don't think she is being a nuisance by phoning her grandchildren twice a week.

They should be pleased to hear from her, knowing that she is interested in their lives and be willing to chat for ten minutes - that's not much to ask, is it?

We have a scheme here that takes people out to appointments or shopping or visiting.
The drivers are volunteers, and it costs, but much cheaper than a taxi.
Is there a lunch club or similar that your mum might enjoy?
Perhaps she could go out once a week to somewhere like that?

Katyj my mother lived in sheltered housing so had contact with quite a lot of people through coffee mornings etc. In her 90s when she couldn't go out by herself she still complained about being lonely "I haven't seen a soul all day," was one of her favourite expressions. Somtimes later in the conversation she would tell you something someone had said to her. I think some of the complaining is just to keep you on your toes and if you do find someone to visit her something else would be wrong
Does she have a hairdresser? you can get ones who home visit. We also booked mum a home manicure and pedicure. Would your children be able to draw up a rota for visiting even if it was just once a month? Good luck it is difficult coping with everything.

It sounds very hard for katyj too.

What a very unfeeling response Hithere, put yourself in the shoes of a 90 year old living alone, it must be hard for her. KatyJ it’s worth trying your mum’s local Volunteer Bureau, as most offer all sorts of different services including befriending, shopping, escorted trips to the GP and hospitals for people who aren’t steady on their feet or need a wheelchair, etc.