Mums lonely

Can you arrange for a paid person to , call in , shop, or what ever is required? Best wishes .

Is there still a befriending service?
I think it may be run by age uk.

www.ageuk.org.uk/services/befriending-services/

Sorry forgot to say she has Carer’s three times a day too,she complains about this too saying their useless and she doesn’t need them, most days she could manage without them but she has had two falls which were she ended up in hospital for quite a while, and at 90 I’m reluctant to cancel them. I’m 64 but still working part time and look after Grandchildren in the holidays, so don’t feel able to visit anymore than I already do.

Don't cancel the carers, because they are a "foot in the door", so to speak.
It's harder to get back into the system once you've removed someone from it.

Miss Adventure. Thank you for the link. The phone service wouldn’t be any good as she has very poor hearing,even with aids, but the visiting service might work, especially through the winter.

I did befriending for some time. But unfortunately other commitments came along.
I had some lovely people.
I know that doesn’t help you, Katyj. Sorry. Are you in touch with her close neighbours? Maybe some of them could have a get together.
Are there any churches near that have ‘meetings’ they’re not all necessarily religious meetings, like our local one.

Another thought is if there might be a "cleaner" you could hire.
The kind that enjoys a good chat as much as keeping house.
My friend who works in home care often does "privates" (oooh matron!)
For example, she irons for someone who had her care hours reduced.
She has done it for almost 20 years now, and they are friends more than employer/employee.

There is only so much you can do, your mother cannot rely on others for her happiness

In fact, being needy will push people further

Give the woman a break.
She's 90!

What a very unfeeling response Hithere, put yourself in the shoes of a 90 year old living alone, it must be hard for her. KatyJ it’s worth trying your mum’s local Volunteer Bureau, as most offer all sorts of different services including befriending, shopping, escorted trips to the GP and hospitals for people who aren’t steady on their feet or need a wheelchair, etc.

It sounds very hard for katyj too.

Katyj my mother lived in sheltered housing so had contact with quite a lot of people through coffee mornings etc. In her 90s when she couldn't go out by herself she still complained about being lonely "I haven't seen a soul all day," was one of her favourite expressions. Somtimes later in the conversation she would tell you something someone had said to her. I think some of the complaining is just to keep you on your toes and if you do find someone to visit her something else would be wrong
Does she have a hairdresser? you can get ones who home visit. We also booked mum a home manicure and pedicure. Would your children be able to draw up a rota for visiting even if it was just once a month? Good luck it is difficult coping with everything.

We have a scheme here that takes people out to appointments or shopping or visiting.
The drivers are volunteers, and it costs, but much cheaper than a taxi.
Is there a lunch club or similar that your mum might enjoy?
Perhaps she could go out once a week to somewhere like that?

I don't think she is being a nuisance by phoning her grandchildren twice a week.

They should be pleased to hear from her, knowing that she is interested in their lives and be willing to chat for ten minutes - that's not much to ask, is it?

Our village has a voluntary group who will visit for a chat - does your area?

I know it's hard katy but you can't set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

Carers 3 times a day, daily phone calls, sometimes twice and visits twice a week.

You are doing so much and I'm sorry she is not in a place where she can appreciate that.

I think you need to carry on as you are and put this issue down when you aren't actively with/speaking to her. It's not fair on you to carry around her unhappiness.

Try the services suggested and know that you are doing a wonderful job for your mum.

I don't think you can win whatever you do. If she's anything like my mum no carer or volunteer will be good enough. You are doing more than enough already. Try to let her complaining wash over you. If the gcs or ggcs could pop in occasionally to give you a break that would help.

Katyj my mother lived in sheltered housing so had contact with quite a lot of people through coffee mornings etc.

My aunt lived in a sheltered block of flats and there was a community room where organised activities took place regularly.
I know it's been difficult with Covid restrictions but is there any sheltered housing in her area?

MissAdventure

Give the woman a break.
She's 90!

Yes, and?

That doesn’t mean she gets to demand more than OP can give!

Thank you everyone.It really helps hearing other people’s perspective. Your right I think no matter what I do, even if I have people popping in and out all day it wouldn’t be enough.
The pedicure could be a good idea, she’s always complaining about her feet, and the NHS aren’t providing the podiatrist at the moment.
My AC visit once every month each, which I think is fair.Her memory is fading so she always says this haven’t been for ages !
The problem probably lies with me, I feel tremendous guilt, and find it very difficult to let it wash over me, maybe I’m depressed. I’m unable to relax for fear of the phone ringing, especially through the night as I’m on call 24/7 if she presses her alarm.
I feel as if I was born to be a Carer, as my dad was ill from age 55 ,I was only 26 then with a young family, but mum relied on me ,not so much physically but mentally she’s always suffered from anxiety herself. and I’m still at it now aged 64 .
Anyway thank you for listening I do go on a bit.

Casdon

This poster has previous background of the burden her mother is imposing with her unrealistic expectations

Doesnt OP have the right to her own life?

I’m so sorry KatyJ.

Can you take a break? Ask your children to take a weekend a month? So that you can be truly off? If you have 3 kids, they take a weekend very three months to be on call?

Please find a way to put yourself first, if only for a little while

Of course KatyJ must live her own life Hithere, she is already doing everything she can to meet her mum’s needs, and she needs help, which is why she asked for ideas. I stand by my immediate response to your post though, at 90 years old her mum is not going to change, and it’s not helpful to point out that pushing people away will be the consequence of her being needy. You may not have meant to come across so harshly, but I took a sharp intake of breath when I read your post.