Problem with gardener

Thank you BlueBelle. You are quite right of course about different backgrounds and modes of behaviour . All very sensible but I wish I could get over feeling so ridiculously stupid, hurt and offended.

I think you come from two massively different backgrounds and by being benevolent ‘making him nice meals’ etc you have taken it away from the employer/employee situation and in your kindness you have moved the relationship into a friend / mate arena and he is talking to you as he would a contemporary
If he’s a good gardener keep him as just that out in the garden take him a cup of coffee by all means but by do not make him nice meals or ask him to do other jobs
He’s obviously ‘forgiven’ you, that’s why you got a ‘cheers no worries mate’ message back
If he’s a good gardener and turns up on time etc just keep him as that but don’t try to be his friend or benefactor keep it on an employer/ employee basis
You are at opposite ends of ‘life’ he is not a sophisticated, well spoken kind man he’s a rough diamond whose probably lived a very very different life to you keep it as to what you originally wanted a hard working gardener (who may be afraid of dogs) don’t take him under your benevolent wing that’s blurring all the lines

It's an upsetting experience but don't dwell just find another gardener, if you can.

You say he was a very hard worker, and that's what you should have left him to do - get on with his work in your garden, with a few cups of tea here and there.

welbeck

i'm sorry you got upset about it all, but i think you had unrealistic expectations.
having read what you wrote, i was surprised when you said that you were sure that he would apologise after reading your text.
i actually wondered at that point if this posting was genuine.
it just sounded so unlikely that he would do so; so why would you expect it.
you say you live very rurally, so perhaps you lack a little street smarts.
anyway, this is not a criticism, just an observation.
as others have said, when you are feeling low or worried, little things can get out of proportion.
if you do keep him on, let your husband deal with him.
he probably prefers dealing with men anyway.
and don't give him inside the house jobs to do.
good luck.

I can assure you it's genuine! I live rurally now having retired back to where I grew up but have lived in two different cities and in different parts of the country. My husband has also retired from a profession. I think I have a tendency to expect people to behave I situations as I do. I posted this as very upset and wanted advice and support on how to get over how I'm feeling. I don't need it reinforced that I've handled it badly as I know I did and that's why I feel so rotten. I think not helped by my feeling generally low at the moment.

I’d be getting another gardener. I’d imagine you aren’t looking forward to seeing him again, employ someone you would enjoy having on your property. This chap I feel you’d be walking on eggshells around.

i'm sorry you got upset about it all, but i think you had unrealistic expectations.
having read what you wrote, i was surprised when you said that you were sure that he would apologise after reading your text.
i actually wondered at that point if this posting was genuine.
it just sounded so unlikely that he would do so; so why would you expect it.
you say you live very rurally, so perhaps you lack a little street smarts.
anyway, this is not a criticism, just an observation.
as others have said, when you are feeling low or worried, little things can get out of proportion.
if you do keep him on, let your husband deal with him.
he probably prefers dealing with men anyway.
and don't give him inside the house jobs to do.
good luck.

You lost me at Recovering Alcoholic!! What relevance does that have?

Lucca

I think texting him was a mistake,
Can you not just keep out of his way ? Let your husband deal with him.

I know it was and think I mentioned that I felt foolish about having done that in my OP. I really don't want to have him back but agree, my husband must deal with him. I think I was too nice to him and him and he's taken advantage. I should have behaved like my mother with people who worked for us. I grew up on a farm and my mother was pleasant towards them but definitely no familiarity. I'm more used to treating people as equals but have never employed people before. I've learnt my lesson.

I think texting him was a mistake,
Can you not just keep out of his way ? Let your husband deal with him.

I didn't expect to get responses so quickly! Thank you for your kind advice, you are all quite right of course, a small incident and I shouldn't dwell but find it hard not to. Maybe it's just hurt pride! I definitely don't want him back but so hard to get anyone. We're in a very rural area and surprisingly few people interested in gardening so therefore not many people available to do gardening work.

We had problems with a gardener not turning up as arranged and they are not worth worrying about. Just get another gardener. Anyone who works for you on your property should show you respect and do the job they're asked to do.

I think when you are low relatively small incidents can be so upsetting, particularly someone being gratuitously rude.I also get really upset by this sort of thing. Try to get it in proportion and think about something else, as if you're anything like me it is me that makes it worse by going over what happened repeatedly. Some people like a bit of drama, raised voices, arguments & it's normal life to them so he probably just doesn't realise he's really upset you. That said, if you hear of anyone else who would do the garden, I should let him go. You need to feel in control in your own home & he sounds a bit bossy.

I hope you feel better now you have shared your thoughts.

I wouldn’t dwell on the incident it really is of no importance compared to other things in your life.

This person has probably forgotten about it. I would not have him back as you are too different.

Ask a friend or neighbour if they can recommend a gardener or contact a local gardening business.