Problem with gardener

I hope you feel better now you have shared your thoughts.

I wouldn’t dwell on the incident it really is of no importance compared to other things in your life.

This person has probably forgotten about it. I would not have him back as you are too different.

Ask a friend or neighbour if they can recommend a gardener or contact a local gardening business.

I think when you are low relatively small incidents can be so upsetting, particularly someone being gratuitously rude.I also get really upset by this sort of thing. Try to get it in proportion and think about something else, as if you're anything like me it is me that makes it worse by going over what happened repeatedly. Some people like a bit of drama, raised voices, arguments & it's normal life to them so he probably just doesn't realise he's really upset you. That said, if you hear of anyone else who would do the garden, I should let him go. You need to feel in control in your own home & he sounds a bit bossy.

We had problems with a gardener not turning up as arranged and they are not worth worrying about. Just get another gardener. Anyone who works for you on your property should show you respect and do the job they're asked to do.

I didn't expect to get responses so quickly! Thank you for your kind advice, you are all quite right of course, a small incident and I shouldn't dwell but find it hard not to. Maybe it's just hurt pride! I definitely don't want him back but so hard to get anyone. We're in a very rural area and surprisingly few people interested in gardening so therefore not many people available to do gardening work.

I think texting him was a mistake,
Can you not just keep out of his way ? Let your husband deal with him.

Lucca

I think texting him was a mistake,
Can you not just keep out of his way ? Let your husband deal with him.

I know it was and think I mentioned that I felt foolish about having done that in my OP. I really don't want to have him back but agree, my husband must deal with him. I think I was too nice to him and him and he's taken advantage. I should have behaved like my mother with people who worked for us. I grew up on a farm and my mother was pleasant towards them but definitely no familiarity. I'm more used to treating people as equals but have never employed people before. I've learnt my lesson.

You lost me at Recovering Alcoholic!! What relevance does that have?

i'm sorry you got upset about it all, but i think you had unrealistic expectations.
having read what you wrote, i was surprised when you said that you were sure that he would apologise after reading your text.
i actually wondered at that point if this posting was genuine.
it just sounded so unlikely that he would do so; so why would you expect it.
you say you live very rurally, so perhaps you lack a little street smarts.
anyway, this is not a criticism, just an observation.
as others have said, when you are feeling low or worried, little things can get out of proportion.
if you do keep him on, let your husband deal with him.
he probably prefers dealing with men anyway.
and don't give him inside the house jobs to do.
good luck.

I’d be getting another gardener. I’d imagine you aren’t looking forward to seeing him again, employ someone you would enjoy having on your property. This chap I feel you’d be walking on eggshells around.

welbeck

i'm sorry you got upset about it all, but i think you had unrealistic expectations.
having read what you wrote, i was surprised when you said that you were sure that he would apologise after reading your text.
i actually wondered at that point if this posting was genuine.
it just sounded so unlikely that he would do so; so why would you expect it.
you say you live very rurally, so perhaps you lack a little street smarts.
anyway, this is not a criticism, just an observation.
as others have said, when you are feeling low or worried, little things can get out of proportion.
if you do keep him on, let your husband deal with him.
he probably prefers dealing with men anyway.
and don't give him inside the house jobs to do.
good luck.

I can assure you it's genuine! I live rurally now having retired back to where I grew up but have lived in two different cities and in different parts of the country. My husband has also retired from a profession. I think I have a tendency to expect people to behave I situations as I do. I posted this as very upset and wanted advice and support on how to get over how I'm feeling. I don't need it reinforced that I've handled it badly as I know I did and that's why I feel so rotten. I think not helped by my feeling generally low at the moment.

It's an upsetting experience but don't dwell just find another gardener, if you can.

You say he was a very hard worker, and that's what you should have left him to do - get on with his work in your garden, with a few cups of tea here and there.

I think you come from two massively different backgrounds and by being benevolent ‘making him nice meals’ etc you have taken it away from the employer/employee situation and in your kindness you have moved the relationship into a friend / mate arena and he is talking to you as he would a contemporary
If he’s a good gardener keep him as just that out in the garden take him a cup of coffee by all means but by do not make him nice meals or ask him to do other jobs
He’s obviously ‘forgiven’ you, that’s why you got a ‘cheers no worries mate’ message back
If he’s a good gardener and turns up on time etc just keep him as that but don’t try to be his friend or benefactor keep it on an employer/ employee basis
You are at opposite ends of ‘life’ he is not a sophisticated, well spoken kind man he’s a rough diamond whose probably lived a very very different life to you keep it as to what you originally wanted a hard working gardener (who may be afraid of dogs) don’t take him under your benevolent wing that’s blurring all the lines

Thank you BlueBelle. You are quite right of course about different backgrounds and modes of behaviour . All very sensible but I wish I could get over feeling so ridiculously stupid, hurt and offended.

Glad you realise it’s about just differences in values, education, and life …....like every mistake we ve ALL made you need to grow a thick skin, shove it to the back of your mind and forget it, hard when you are a sensitive, kind person but it’s truly the only way, file it away, stop blaming yourself or him and start again but keep it on a completely professional level
You pleasantly say hello as if nothing happened you then let him get on with his work take him a coffee or tea if you want be pleasant but don’t enter into any friendliness
He ll have forgotten all about it LONG, LONG ago

As he’s a good worker and you have no other alternative gardeners to take on this is your choice keep beating yourself up over something you can’t change or pull your big girl knickers up and carry on as if nothing happened …it will get easier each time

Ah BlueBelle, you're great! Were you a teacher I wonder ? You sound like you've been a sensible form mistress who was used to helping upset pupils get on with things after a disagreement with a classmate. Everything you say is absolutely right. I do literally have a lot of big knickers but will try to pull up the metaphorical ones. My husband wants him to come next week to finish some hedge cutting so I think the dog and I will have a day out together.

As I said elsewhere (yesterday) don't make friends with staff. They do the work, you pay them - that's it.

I think that's great advice from BlueBelle- as we have been looking for someone to do garden maintenance type jobs recently (stuff we can't do so easily anymore) our experience so far has been that it's difficult to find someone interested in that type of thing. Most people want big garden makeover type jobs it seems. So if he does the garden stuff you want done well leave him to do that, let your husband deal with him for payment etc and forget about the rest.

Just like any relationship that breaks down the confidence has gone, just thank him for his help and move on, long term garden help is hard to find though.

My dear, one simply can't get the staff nowadays.

If you read your post through I am sure you will realize why.

They do say "Least said, soonest mended." This guy has 'issues' that are nothing to do with you; it's unfortunate that some of them rub off on you so to speak. If you want him to keep doing garden work, I think Lucca's suggestion that you keep out of his way and let your husband deal with him is a good idea.

Just a thought also: he may be frightened of dogs. Some people are. And dogs that run towards you, whether friendly or not, can be triggering.

No never a teacher sloegin

..then again he may have had safety concerns when clearing branches if a dog was running loose in the area....

You say he is a recovering alcoholic, but do you know how long ago he gave up drinking. You never know, maybe he was having a bad day fighting his demons.
In difficult situations like this where you still have to see the person my mantra has always been: least said, soonest mended and, fake it ‘till you make it.

Sloegin, I can see how you are upset, you sound a very kind person and you certainly shouldn’t have had to have been treated as you have. Some of the replies have been less than helpful, telling you the mistakes you have made. Its not easy when your not used to employing someone for jobs you’ve always managed yourselves. You treated him as you wish to be treated but you saw another side of him. Try in future to keep it friendly and business like.
Until you can get another gardener, don’t let him in the house, take him a cup of tea about half an hour after he starts and take it out to him. No more meals, just friendly, tell him what needs doing, check it when he’s finished and get your husband to pay him.
You have enough to worry about without him adding to it.