Grandkids

The three year old should certainly get some free nursery time, but I fear you are seen as the easy cheap option. I think you and your DH together must sit them down and say you just can't do it from such and such a date and do get your car back.
I don't think you have said where your DH is with this arrangement.

This is not on. It’s a tricky situation tho as it’s like saying you don’t love them if you won’t look after them and it sounds like they are maybe using those tactics? Why on earth can’t they pay for childcare? I made it clear from the start that I would look after my grandchildren on my terms and was not there to be dumped on. They are taking advantage big style and you need to stop it.

Madgran has said exactly what I was going to say Jinny54. Decide with your husband exactly what help you are able to comfortably offer your family and stick to your guns but calmly.
Your family are taking you for granted.

maybe Louisa1523 has got lost, wandered in from Mumsnet.
sounds like it.

Louisa1523 - I should have added, and been a bit clearer….. there’s a 14/15 year gap between my daughter’s children and my son’s. I was 14/15 years younger at the time. I hope you will now understand .

You need to tell them you cannot do it anymore and it is affecting the quality of life for you and your husband.
Sorry to say this, and sound harsh but they are free loaders, free childcare, free use of your husbands car, what entitlement.

Jinny54

His parents live in Newcastle & hundreds of miles away. So it's just me..hubby & other daughter because D & sil won't pay for childcare.

Won’t or can’t? Either way it’s not really your responsibility. If you want to offer some help in the future, work out what you would be happy and able to do and offer them that.

Louisa1523 !!!

Jinny before you have a conversation with your daughter and SIL I suggest you make a list for yourself of the reasons you no longer want to child mind just to clarify in your own mind. This will help you to be very clear with them when you talk to them.

Also I suggest you think very very carefully what you are willing to offer (1/2 day a week? 1 day a week? occasional babysitting? nothing at all?) and make that clear when you talk to them.

Give them a very clear end date with enough time to make new arrangements.

Arrange a break away for very very soon after you have stopped child minding

Good luck

OP, don't rant or rave any more.
just state, in writing that you are unable to do it from, <date>.
remember that you do not have to persuade or convince them to agree, you do not need their permission.
you. are. not. a. slave.

Jinny Has this daughter always ruled the roost like this demanding that everyone run their lives round her and her family? And is their a reason, why all of you, including her sisters have submitted to her demands and fulfilled them?

Was she ill as a child or did she have a traumatic eperience of some kind, so that everybody for good reason at the time ran their world around hers?

If this is so, then the time has come when it must stop. You must talk to your other daughters to tell them what you plan to do and ask them to also rethink how often they bow to their sisters demands.

The daughter in question has married, had children and formed a separate household so with her husband must decide on the best way to provide childcare for their children, without expecting her parents to be the solution to the childcare problem and any other they may have.

I am with all those who say, no argument, no discussion. Hand your notice in and get her sisters to do the same. If she turns up on the door mat the day after your notice expires, just refuse to open the door, and if she tries to use your grandchildren to emotionally blackmail you into continuing, just still quietly say 'No'

Jinny it's time to hand your notice in, in writing. You can't set yourself on fire to keep them warm.

Give them a reasonable end date, so they do have time to find alternate arrangements.

Perhaps book yourself a week away if you can for when it ends so they know you literally won't be there.

You can always offer the amount of time you can manage so you still get to spend time with grandchildren...

Jinny, please set a hard end date on when you will be done your sitting duties. You deserve your time.

I’d probably finish, then go away having not previously told them. You can’t mind the children if you aren’t there. If they have not sorted care, well it will not be your fault.

If you are too nervous to do this, please look into therapy to raise your confidence- it will do wonders for you

Tell them no, book a holiday and just go and leave them to it.

That is harsh Louisa, my goodness what a nasty post.

crazyH

I was in a similar position 6 years ago when my son asked me to do regular babysitting. I, very politely explained that I was committed to my daughters children 2 to 3 days a week, and I really didn’t have the time or energy to do any more. It wasn’t an easy conversation, but it had to be said. I guess they were a bit miffed at first. But I felt no guilt, because if need be, they had dils parents and could afford to pay for a childminder. I did say I would do the odd babysitting if they were stuck. Also, I was a very nervous driver and I just couldn’t risk having kids in the car. It’s all ok now.

Thats a shitty thing to do? is your DD the blue eyed child? Or do you just not like your son? What you do for one...you do for the rest.. or dont do for any.

What do you mean they won’t pay for childcare? They’ll have to if you refuse.

Just tell them you are not doing it. It doesn’t need a conversation because there is nothing to discuss.

My mum helped me a lot but I asked her because I knew she would always say if she couldn’t do something (& she did say no, which meant I didn’t feel guilty asking).

Jinny54

Wow you are soooo stressed, this isn't good for you whatsoever, you really need to put your point across and explain that you do not look forward to seeing your own GC anymore due to it stressing you out so much ( which is terrible if it has cone to this)
this isn't good for your health by the sounds of it.

Why is it that AC automatically think grandparents will take up the reins of looking after GC for hours/days on end.

My daughter is beyond fantastic at NOT expecting, i don't mean that to come across of gloating, I really do NOT, im just saying how it is for me. If anything it is me who says i will have him/her/them but if i were in your shoes i would most certainly be saying something and if I were met with it building up to an arguing i would blow my top at the disgraceful manner in which it was all expected. I wouldn't have it end of. All taken for granted and none of us want that from our AC.

Jinny your daughter and son-in-law are treating you appallingly; this bullying treatment needs to stop.
Being blunt, what would they do if one of you were in hospital?
And how long is the arrangement for your son-in-law using your car supposed to be for?

They need to take responsibility for themselves.
Give them notice, a month at the absolute most. In writing if it's easier than face-to-face.
Then either book yourselves a week away somewhere or failing that simply keep the curtains closed and the doors locked. Do not let them in.

The three year old will qualify for 30 hours early years funding from the term after their third birthday if both parents are working. These hours can be taken at a pre-school, nursery, registered childminder, or a combination of two different settings.

They can use the Tax Free Childcare account to claim a contribution from the government towards any other childcare costs. Basically for every £80 they pay in the government will add £20, giving £100 to use to pay a registered childcare provider.

Best of luck, be strong and please let us know how you get on xx

Fortunately, my DD's and SIL's all took the responsibility when their babies came along. I was working FT and. made it casually known that I wasn't retiring to take on childcare but I needn't have worried as nursery places were swiftly organised. I occasionally do have the GC if their too poorly for school - they're all way past the nursery stage now. Both DD's are of the same mind - their children, their responsibility and their OH's are of the same mind.

Jinny, please do not be bullied into providing childcare, stand your ground, fight your corner - whatever you want to call it - its your life so enjoy it and tell DD to find a nursery. Surely the 3 yr old will qualify for a free place ??

Oh Jinny you moan away! That sounds outrageous. I am constantly astounded by families who demand/ask! for huge amounts of childcare.

Once a week

Jinny54

My other D who has no kids yet has said that soon we will go away for a week & leave her to it. My other D also gets put on to help with the kids & she is a hard working teenage cancer nurse & also gets fed up of having her free time taken up with the kids. We do take them out when she is off but U cannot on my own because sil is using my car for work. Won't moan any more honest!!

Do you mean you are looking after the children and your car is being used by their father so you can't take them anywhere?
That really is taking the p... I would firstly say no to the car going away then at least you can go out somewhere as it breaks the day up - soft play, parks, woods, beach. Tires them out and is good fun. It's not fair on your other DD either as she has a really tough often emotional job and I take my hat off to her. She needs some time off to herself. Could a family chat be a way to start - eg, it's getting too much at our age, could we reduce the hours, have you considered any free childcare from government, really need the car to take them out as weather improves (if it ever does!) etc?

Oh dear Jinny. I feel for you. Choose a quiet moment to tell your dd calmly that you are both finding things too much and from such and such a week you are no longer willing or able to help out on a regular basis.
You could offer once a week if you think you can manage but I would take the opportunity to give notice to it all. If you are prepared to help as and when ( provided you have no other plans) tell her, otherwise it’s their children and dog/s not yours.
My two small gc are lively/naughty, and after 10 years nice a week we gave notice. We don’t see them as much but life is more peaceful.

They won't pay for daycare? Lol, that's rich.

That is not your problem.

And sil using your car? Take the car away when you have a break - or maybe it should 'break down'