Carers now coming in so why do I feel guilty

Sorry I have no advice but couldn’t pass by.
Just know that you are doing the very best you can for your husband and he knows that you care.
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You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have made a sensible decision for you and your DH. Be kind to yourself now

Keep talking to your carers group and charity, how you feel is normal xx

Don't feel guilty, welshchrissy, you have done your very best on your own for years and now you have help to give your DH the best care possible.

We've seen a friend struggling for years with her beloved husband; she didn't love him any less when she accepted help or when he went into respite care for a week or so at a time.

I hope you might be able to find respite care for your DH sometimes.

Well done for coping so well for so long. Asking for help was the best thing to do.

By doing this you can recharge your batteries for all the time that the carers are not there.

welshchrissy what you are going through right now is a really normal response: you have coped for such a long time and sometimes it just takes a small trigger for the floodgates to open and to let out all that emotion you've been keeping within. Think of it as clearing a pathway for new and better ways of managing whatever lies ahead.

It’s hard welshchrissy but the part of you that is his spiritual and loving self needs physical rest and succour too, or you’ll be too worn out to provide that which no one else can.
Accept all the help you can get, it will, in time, keep you stronger for your unique gifts to him and use the time he’s being attended to for you. You’re doing your best for him as he would for you x

You've always done the right thing for your husband, and that is what you are doing now.
You will be better able to enjoy quality time with him, now, as you being worn out isn't good for either of you.

You are stocking up on your strength, in order to fulfill the demands which will be coming.

In spite of the awful situation, your husband is blessed to have you as his partner.

It is exactly the right course of action.

Please don't feel guilty, you are doing all you can in such a difficult time. My aunt had this situation for a long time and carers had to come in eventually. They were wonderful. Take care of yourself too. You must be exhausted physically and mentally. ?

Please dont feel guilty, you have done all you humanly can but now is the time you need help. By receiving help it is by NO MEANS WHATSOEVER implying any guilt is now laid on you, no, no, no. X

By receiving help it enables you to breath to regain the strength to carry on to give your dear husband the best of you, opposed to a tired frustrated you.

Please dont feel guilty, instead be VERY proud of yourself for alllll you have done and are still doing, with a bit of help xx

welshchrissy, you feel guilty as you've coped alone for 20 years - and part of you now feels that doing less is somehow 'failing to cope'. Completely wrong, of course. It sounds like you've overdone things and really needed the help long ago.

I am so glad you are getting the help you needed. You have coped with this alone for such an amizingly long time.

You should be so proud of yourself for managing alone for so long and for getting extra help when it was needed.

Please find time and space to take better care of yourself too

This may help:

Think of your DH as he was, when he was well, and you were happy together (I hope this was the case). Imagine what that husband would have wanted you to do. Tell that husband what you are doing and ask his blessing.

Pass on by if this doesn't suit you.

Oh, please don’t feel guilty. You have done all that you can, and you are still doing so. It’s just that things have progressed.
Hopefully the Carers will begin to feel part of the new normal, and you will both benefit from new people popping in.
My friend has recently had to accept Carers for her husband 3 times a day. I was so relieved. She was beginning to look like she was about to break down, and now she has someone to take the strain at regular intervals.

For what it is worth this was my experience.
When Paw came out of hospital 3 months before he died, I was resentful as hell about the idea of any outsider coming into the house. His first morning home, the sheets were sodden (inco pants had leaked) he was freezing cold and confused. I sat him on the loo wrapped in his warm dressing gown trying unsuccessfully to stop him getting back into bed and the door bell rang
It turned out to be the SS carers' organiser who had come to assess our needs. She was a godsend- she set to, stripped and changed the bed with me, helped me reassure Paw get him into fresh pj's and prompted me to ring the doctor as she was pretty certain he had a UTI.
Bless her she was wonderful and I realised hw valuable an extra pair of hands and eyes could be as well as moral support for me.
Paw also enjoyed the company of the carers, he would be cheerful and charming in the same way he always was with the nurses in hospital and it cheered both of us up! While they were getting him up I was free to get into the kitchen prepare stuff for lunch or l
put a load of washing on or just make a coffee.
If you needed a crutch after a hip op or a walking stick you would use it. Carers are your crutch, forget guilt and try to enjoy the help they provide and see it in a positive light. Thinking of you as I remember all too well how hard it was.

Welshchrissy my SIL felt exactly the same when she had to get carers in to help look after my brother. Please do not feel bad. The more help you get the better. Take everything offered. You cannot look after your husband if you are exhausted. The more help you get the better you will be able to cope and that will be of benefit to you both.
No shame in this at all, it is the best thing you could have done for both of you. Take care ?

My husband has dementia but I have been lucky in finding an excellent support group locally and also have attended a bigger national support group. I have belonged to these for the last 4 years, so have met many people coping with similar problems and have watched how they coped as the situation gets more difficult. It really is inevitable that with beastly illnesses like this everyone, however skilled and energetic is going to need help at some stage. At present I am managing with an occasional carer coming in or family and friends helping but I do know that my need for help is likely to increase and so decisions will need to be made however upsetting. You have clearly coped amazingly for many years. Please do accept all the help you can get both for your husband and yourself. Do get out occasionally to do your own thing or just for a break. Very best of luck!

welshchrissy you have done the right thing. I cared for my mom in my home for the last 18 months of her life. I was in my late 50's. I took care of her by myself she had senile dementia. It was hard . The last ,4 months of her life was hell on earth as she no longer knew who I was and thought I was her mom. And she turned violent. My mom died long before her body did. If my mom had realised what she became she would have hated it . It was only after she died I realised what it had cost me health wise . I couldn't put her into a home . But I loved her and am proud she never got any sores .

If I had been the age I am now I would probably have had help.

You are giving your husband the best care possible. Be proud of that. You are grieving for the man he was as I grieved for the mom I knew not what she became .

You are doing everything to give the man you love the best possible life . You need to remember to look after yourself as it's easy to be caught up only looking after your loved one and neglecting your needs. Rest when you can ,plenty of hot drinks and remember to have hot food. It's to easy to forget that. ?

What sound advice from everyone. Please look after yourself and take advantage of any help that is offered . Also, if respite is available for your husband I strongly advise you to take advantage of that. You need time off to recharge ! You are in a very stressful situation and in that position it is very easy to get things out of perspective and forget about yourself. Do not feel guilty about accepting help with your husband, it is the correct course of action. I send you strength and ((((( hugs ))))))

Thank you everyone for your support. I am sure that given time we will adjust to this new chapter in our lives

Please please ditch the guilt - it is totally inappropriate.

I went through similar with my OH and I worked out how much I could safely do to stay physically and mentally as well as possible and handed the rest to carers.

You do not need to feel guilty - you are not superhuman and there are two people's well-being at stake here: yours and your OH's. Both matter. And it may be that the carers will be better able to provide for his needs - they have some training, they are young and fit and they can go home to recharge their batteries, which you cannot do.

There is more than one way to discharge your responsibilities to him - and one of those ways is to get carers in. You are doing all that needs doing, but not necessarily physically doing it all yourself - you are making sure it is done, which is what is needed.

In addition to basic carers I got someone in once a week on a Tuesday evening so I could go to choir - it helped to keep me sane and better able to care for OH.

It is such a stressful time for everyone, but you are definitely doing the right thing.

It is worth talking with Citizens Advice or Age Concern to make sure that the funding aspect is properly dealt with.

You are doing the right thing - and should be patting yourself on the back for that.

There is a very helpful forum on Alzheimers UK website called Talking Point which I have found invaluable advice for supporting my Mum, initially suggestions to help her live independently at home, then how to fine carers then what to look for when choosing a care home.

You might find it helpful to join, there are so many other people who are caring for their partners and loved ones with useful tips and advice.

Now that the strain has lessened you will eventually be able to be of more help to your very lucky husband.
Please do not feel guilty, wearing yourself out is counter productive. ?

I have some experience with this having helped out with my late MIL some years ago. Now I’m trying to offer some support to a neighbour who’s in a similar situation to you. I’ve told her that she has the best of a bad job here. She doesn’t have to do it all alone but is there to supervise and reassure her DH. There is no need for guilt as you can’t look after someone if you don’t also look after yourself.