Exhausted,worried, drudge

Sorry about your situation and your low feelings Sloegin, nice name by the way! I agree with others, if big problems like the washer arise, they need to be fixed professionally, otherwise they may re-occur.
Write a to-do list of all the big and little tasks that need doing, leave it lieing around, your husband may see the scope of work that needs doing and realise the house isn't manageable. I find if I have a list and cross a task off, they is a feeling of achievement. I also found my self doing extra things, not on the list, so I would add them just so I could cross them off, daft yes, but gives you a buzz.
You unfortunately say your husband's health won't improve, I am sorry for that. Maybe the little jobs you get done on the house will all help improve the saleability of the house, when it is right for you. So see these tasks, as a means to eventually moving to a place that suits you.
I would speak to your neighbours, and ask if they know of a local lad, who is reliable and can help out with the garden, windows, and other more physical jobs. Then you will have a nice garden you can take a break in, with a glass of sloegin.
Most importantly, take care of yourself, see the GP, and make sure you talk about you at the appointment, not your husband.

Take care

Sloegin You have every right to have a moan,can you sit your OH down and without interruption from him tell him of your concerns.

He is surely feeling inadequate and helpless and needs being told how difficult it is making your life.

Do you have similar to AgeUK where you are they have a list of people who help with general jobs in the home & garden at very reasonable prices all the people are vetted by AgeUK for your peace of mind.

Thank you all for your sympathy/ empathy, support and advice. Sadly nothing I haven't tried here as tried multiple times to have these discussions with my husband, often when I'm upset and cross but also when I'm perfectly calm. I never get anywhere! A good example is when I mention the shed needs clearing and even say that I don't want to be left to sort it out if he should die before me. He keeps insisting that it's not a big job and he'll do it when a bit better! I know he's not going to get any better, and have even told him that, but falls on deaf ears. For some reason in this area very difficult to find gardeners or handymen. We had a chap last summer but he was a difficult character and only came when it suited. He then hurt his back and gave up. Found a gardener this year who had moved over from England for an 'alternative lifestyle ' but he let us down before he was due to come because of ' family problems '. Lots of landscape gardeners but few who want to dig ,plant and care for vegetables. Obviously we should abandon vegetable growing but that's another area where he won't give up. I feel guilty if given the impression my husband is a macho , controlling type. Nothing could be further from the truth about how he was until recently but his illness has changed him. He was the most kind, polite, gentle man ,and a wonderful father and teacher, but this last couple of years it's been like living with a different person. Thank you all, a moan is helpful.

Hi Sloegin, sorry to hear your problems. Can we perhaps think from another perspective which is that of your dh? Is he able to get out at all, to have any kind of social life, to have people visit? Does he have anything to look forward to? He sounds like a very depressed man who can’t concentrate on the future. He still sees himself capable of doing everything and can’t admit to himself that he isn’t. Or may even be frightened of so doing. His outlook needs to be improved which would make a huge difference to you. Perhaps talk to his GP? Others have suggested seeing if you have a local carers organisation. If you do please join. Your well being is so important. They can arrange for someone to sit with your dh whilst you go out or attend cater events for you. Also some organise outings for both to go to.

Getting gardeners etc in who do a decent job can be very difficult. Do they do garden sharing in your area, where someone has your garden rent free in exchange for keeping it tidy? Perhaps your local church could help? Do keep trying to get some help and to get dh in a better state of mind. Do you have befrienders? This is a voluntary group which will pick someone to socialise with dh on a regular basis? You may need to be devious to get dh to accept any of this but don’t give up and keep your chin up, and when you can’t come on here where we all understand.

Sloe gin, I am very sorry for your plight. You are unsurprisingly at the end of your tether, and if things don't change you will be ill too. Your husband may have been a kindly absent-minded academic type, but they are notorious for concentrating on higher thoughts and leaving other people to sort out the practicalities. He is refusing to face the consequences of his illness, and as someone said, is not perturbed by you struggling for two days trying to clear a blocked drain and use the washing machine.
You have to take control; you have tried to discuss matters and he is refusing to face up to the complexities of his illness and selfishly leaving you to deal with the consequences. My father refused to accept the limitations of old age and was notorious for refusing to have things repaired or replaced. He refused to move from an old inconvenient house until he became ill and had suddenly live in a care home. He controlled the purse strings and my mother was powerless to overrule him.
Are you able to authorise expenditure? If you are you must start engaging the plumber and other people, when available, to do jobs you should not be attempting. Let the vegetables go!
I think because you are a nurse and understand the progress of your husband's illness you are possibly too tolerant of your husband's self-centred behaviour, and should most definitely not be lashing yourself with guilt.
Would your adult children be able to visit, when you can discuss practicalities with them, and face your husband with a plan? If he is anything like my father he will be far more stubborn and unyielding than you expect, but you have to prioritise your needs in order to care for him, and I am sure your family will give you moral support at the very least.

For those of you who suggest carers group ,thankyou but not for me. Tried it and the activities did not appeal and not my idea of relaxation having to listen to others moan about their lot. Thank goodness I have a dog to moan to and do take her out to woods every day. My husband was never terribly outgoing but used to play bridge and chess but afraid that's all on line these days. I'm reflecting on all you've all had to say but honestly it's sometimes not advice one needs, just a listening ear. I was a Samaritan volunteer manyyears ago and the rule then was just to listen, not to advise. I appreciate it's all meant to be helpful so thank you but honestly I've tried everything suggested here apart from talking to GP. Given my experience of dealing with our local GPS for my husband I'm not sure it'd be useful. The one helpful, caring young woman in the practice has left, another has emigrated and another retired so they complain allthe time about being stressed.!

BTW if my husband were writing to gransnet ( highly unlikely) he'd probably say that he's not well, his wife scolds all the time but if only she'd wait until he's a bit better she can get on with things that need doing.

You are in a difficult situation Sloegin it's hard to see our loved ones change and be unable to do the things which were easy before.
You say your husband has changed, then so must you even if it causes problems initially. You can't continue to shoulder all the burdens I think you have to decide which changes will be most beneficial and start with those. Pick your battles.
I see you say you don't really want anything to change but you should not be unhappy and taking responsibility for everything. Take care of yourself as well as your husband.

I hope you can steal a bit of time for yourself Sloegin, even if it's just going to the hairdressers. Hope your kids can get over to see you soon, I visited my daughter in Belfast recently and had lots of Easyjet problems. Had a 7 am flight postponed and was wandering around the shops - next minute it was 'Last Call'. Had to run to Gate 26. I've just heard they've taken out six seats from the aircraft so they can fly with less cabin crew. Take care.

"BTW if my husband were writing to gransnet ( highly unlikely) he'd probably say that he's not well, his wife scolds all the time but if only she'd wait until he's a bit better she can get on with things that need doing."

Women see right through it - not buying it

I would recommend to stop asking or waiting for your dh's permission - aren't you an equal partner in this relationship?

Something breaks - give your dh a short timeline to get it done (4 hours, a day)
If he doesnt get it done, you give it a try if you want or call a professional

He is not your boss.

Florencelady

I think if l were you l wouldn't discuss things like the plumber with your dh just call one. Also get someone in to do the garden without discussing it with him. If he complains just say l want to make things easier for us both and keep saying that. Your dh probably means well but you count as well so just go for it. I told my dh l was calling a guy to clean the windows and he said..no, no l will do one each day. That would take a month and every day l would be stressed as he would need reminding. I just called the guy and while dh grumped a bit l had shining windows and he soon got over it.
You need to take care of yourself so do everything that makes life easier. Presuming you have access to money.
Also if your dh dies first you can sell up and move to a small apartment near your children so you will have options.
Look after yourself.

I couldn’t agree more with this and having nothing more to add but didn’t want to pass you by as you are in such a desperate situation. Please, please get some outside help whether your husband agrees to it or not because otherwise you will become ill yourself and will not be able to look after him if that happens.?

Have

Or have not * musicgirl*

Baggs

Sloegin

Urmstongran

Why weren’t you allowed (?) to call a plumber?

I suppose ' not allowed ' wasn't quite accurate but my husband kept insisting no need and I didn't want to upset him. If problem's not resolved I will put my foot down.

It's all very well not wanting to upset your husband but his attitude is upsetting you and you're the one who has to deal with the fall out.

Call a plumber and if your husband is 'upset' tell him that you are upset too and you NEED a plumber.

I would be on the phone first thing tomorrow morning. You need to look after yourself as you cannot afford to get sick. If you were to get sick who would look after him then, ask him that. ??

Ohhh dear. Firstly i am so very sorry you are going through this situation. Very, very hard indeed.

I so feel for your husband, in his mind he can do everything possible, but his body is weak and in reality, unable to do A, B and C.
But all these jobs that need doing are pulling you down and if it pulls you so far down to the point you become ill, then the situation is worse than ever.

I most certainly would not raise the conversation for discussion, i would get a plumber, gardener, whoever is needed to at least take some of that weight off your shoulders. I wouldn't ask my husband if it would be a good idea, i would just do it.

Providing you have access to £££££.

Its imperative that YOU have a voice, that YOU have control over the reins. Nothing can be done regarding your husbands health but something CAN be done regarding the weight that sits heavy on your shoulders.

X

Hi there, what an awful situation.
So hard for you both.
Definitely speak to your GP he/she needs to be aware of your circumstances.
Can you claim attendance allowance and or carers allowance?
The extra money could go a little way to making your life easier.
I hope you find some small ways of making life more bearable.

Thank you all again. Just to clarify, as I'm worried that I've portrayed my husband as some sort of controlling ogre, he's really not. It's just that he's always done the DIY/ household maintenance stuff so I know he finds it hard not to do it himself and hates getting people in for simple jobs. Money's not an issue and actually I deal with the finances as he hates admin. He does get Attendance Allowance, which I applied for on his behalf when he was in hospital a couple of years ago as he'd never have got around to it! He does however have a proud, stubborn streak which seems to have become more pronounced since he's been ill. I did get a carpenter in a little while ago after he had struggled and failed to fix the slatted bed base on a lovely old bed in the spare room. He wasn't happy about me getting the carpenter but did admit afterwards that I was right. Maybe we should both have learnt from that experience! Thank you all again for giving me your support.

When my late husband was terminally ill he fully understood his situation (logically) - yet still he'd insist on delaying any plans, repairs etc. until he felt 'better'. Emotions just aren't logical or practical.

It's so hard for anyone to stare death in the face - and, of course, our whole life experience of illness is that you rest, then improve or recover.

I realised that, emotionally, he simply couldn't quite face reality - and so I played along, we delayed things, ignored stuff and lived as normally as possible - for as long as possible. Had I insisted that he deal with the practical, cold, hard, logical reality, I think he would have been depressed - maybe a broken man.

(I think that little ray of hope kept him going, as they gave him a year to live and he managed three.)

Hetty58

When my late husband was terminally ill he fully understood his situation (logically) - yet still he'd insist on delaying any plans, repairs etc. until he felt 'better'. Emotions just aren't logical or practical.

It's so hard for anyone to stare death in the face - and, of course, our whole life experience of illness is that you rest, then improve or recover.

I realised that, emotionally, he simply couldn't quite face reality - and so I played along, we delayed things, ignored stuff and lived as normally as possible - for as long as possible. Had I insisted that he deal with the practical, cold, hard, logical reality, I think he would have been depressed - maybe a broken man.

Thank you Hetty58 and I'm sorry about your husband. I think this is it exactly and I really admire you're being able to go along with it. I'm feeling really very guilty that I end up nagging but think I'm in a permanent state of anxiety. I must try harder to be more patient and let things slide. I know he's in denial to a great extent but you're probably right, hope is keeping him going. Thank you, your response has been most useful.

Sloegin, don't feel guilty. We just do what we can, when we can - and yes, sometimes lose patience. After all, we're human, not saints!

It was a long time ago - and I now have no idea how I managed, but I did.

i think don't try to discuss any of these practical tasks with him, just contact the plumber etc.
don't even tell your husband that there is a problem. he will probably make some comment afterwards, but try to just accept his feeling about it.
frankly i think you are expecting too much of him.
don't expect any help or agreement on what to do.
that way you will be less stressed.
how's the washing machine now ?
might be worth getting plumber in anyway to check the drains.
sorry, i know you said that you did not want advice but am just imagining what i might try to do in that situation.
i wish you, and him, all the best.

Thats a good idea about taking the extra household insurance because then you can say well we've already paid for it .If you employ a gardener and regular handyman you may find your DH enjoys chatting with them after he gets used to it .He said he doesnt want to discuss it so perhaps he's indicating there he wants you to make the decision ? Just hope you can get the help you need .

Hetty58

Sloegin, don't feel guilty. We just do what we can, when we can - and yes, sometimes lose patience. After all, we're human, not saints!

It was a long time ago - and I now have no idea how I managed, but I did.

Thank you again Hetty 58. BTW, I meant to mention that my dog's called Hetty too!

So hard to be a carer, never forget that. Your partner is wrapped up in his problems, understandably and you are trying to be a carer whilst dealing with your own problems not easy. Have no solution but can definitely empathise