Exhausted,worried, drudge

I didn’t want to just read and run Sloegin. I feel desperately sorry for your plight. I think you feel trapped which must be awful and anxiety inducing. But what to do about it?

Why weren’t you allowed (?) to call a plumber?

Please do not feel guilty for having ‘a moan’. Call a plumber and anyone else you need to make life more tolerable. Take time for yourself if possible and if you’re not getting enough sleep make an appointment to see your GP, and for anything else you think they can help with. Tell your husband that you insist or you will break under the strain. Good luck ?

Urmstongran

I didn’t want to just read and run Sloegin. I feel desperately sorry for your plight. I think you feel trapped which must be awful and anxiety inducing. But what to do about it?

Gosh, you replied so quickly. Thank you for your kind response.

Big hugs Sloegin. My husband had COPD and AF and was also reluctant to get people in to do jobs he'd have done in the past. He couldn't accept his new limitations at all and buried his head in the sand as far as the future went. He died of a cardiac arrest in 2016 mowing our front lawn, four years after his diagnosis.

In hindsight, I wish I'd been more assertive and taken control of the situation. I should have quietly started decluttering, ready to move to smaller, more suitable accommodation. I should have had the downsizing discussion with my husband. Could you do some research into smaller accommodation and start this conversation with your husband?

Urmstongran

Why weren’t you allowed (?) to call a plumber?

I suppose ' not allowed ' wasn't quite accurate but my husband kept insisting no need and I didn't want to upset him. If problem's not resolved I will put my foot down.

I think if l were you l wouldn't discuss things like the plumber with your dh just call one. Also get someone in to do the garden without discussing it with him. If he complains just say l want to make things easier for us both and keep saying that. Your dh probably means well but you count as well so just go for it. I told my dh l was calling a guy to clean the windows and he said..no, no l will do one each day. That would take a month and every day l would be stressed as he would need reminding. I just called the guy and while dh grumped a bit l had shining windows and he soon got over it.
You need to take care of yourself so do everything that makes life easier. Presuming you have access to money.
Also if your dh dies first you can sell up and move to a small apartment near your children so you will have options.
Look after yourself.

Shandy57

Big hugs Sloegin. My husband had COPD and AF and was also reluctant to get people in to do jobs he'd have done in the past. He couldn't accept his new limitations at all and buried his head in the sand as far as the future went. He died of a cardiac arrest in 2016 mowing our front lawn, four years after his diagnosis.

In hindsight, I wish I'd been more assertive and taken control of the situation. I should have quietly started decluttering, ready to move to smaller, more suitable accommodation. I should have had the downsizing discussion with my husband. Could you do some research into smaller accommodation and start this conversation with your husband?

Thank you Shandy 57. You're situation sounds very similar to mine. COPD is horrible. I've tried so hard to have these conversations but he just refuses. Usually he says something like ,' I'm not feeling up to talking about it now' It's never a good time!

I've had the same response from my husband in the past. He thinks he can do all the jobs he did as a young man. To start with he was very annoyed when I first of all had a window cleaner come round then there is the handy man and joiner. He soon got used to the help and now he accepts it.
Don't respond to his complaints just get the people in. If you have the money to get help for yourself just do it. If you fall by the way side what will happen to him.
Best of luck

Can you tell him that this affecting your health and YOU can’t cope. Would he have sympathy for your situation if it didn’t impinge on his masculinity? My husband died from cancer and was very ill for years, I had to keep telling him that he had done more than enough for me and now it was my time to look after him. It really made him feel like he was worthless that he couldn’t do things and he worried that I thought he was being lazy! Good luck.

My DH still thinks he can do everything. Just take the initiative. Men like to grumble at first but then get over it.

The demands of caring are stressful and tiring so it's not surprising that it's getting you down. Caring can often leave us feeling that we are running on empty and in looking after the needs of others we can become so ground down that we are no longer able think about taking care of our own needs.
As difficult as it may seem you need to take care of yourself (the carer) so that you have the energy and emotional resources to continue caring. Try to take time out to do your own thing (guilty feelings may cause you to feel selfish but this is as essential as refuelling a car), see if there is a carers' support group in the area so that you can link in with others with similar difficulties. Remember that you are doing important if undervalued work from which you deserve regular breaks. Take care

The point is that you really will be ill if nothing changes and then his life really will be affected. I agree with simply making essential decisions like the plumber unless your DH controls the purse strings. I gradually assumed control of the finances, having insisted on setting up power of attorney while he was still able to understand - I did it for both of us with the other as the first person and our two adult children jointly if either of us was not competent, and registered it. As DH became less and less able to manage affairs the transition to me doing it was simple and when the POA was set up it didn’t feel that he was being sidelined.

Your health and well being are crucial to any future you may have so it is worth fighting for - and being devious may be necessary. Good luck.

What did your husband do while you were trying to heave the washing machine out? Did he sit and watch you struggling ? And struggling is the right word as they are very heavy, as anyone who has tried to move one will know.As he is now unable to do these things himself, your husband should be insisting on getting help for this sort of problem.

I’m sure he’s frustrated at not being as able as he once was, but surely he should want to make life as easy as possible for you?

To prefer to see you spend two days trying to cope single-handedly with a blocked drain and flooded washing machine, rather than jumping up to call a plumber is just not on is it?
No wonder you are so fed up.
In your position I would calmly insist that when something like this happens again, a professional should be called out.

I hope you feel a little better having written how you feel. I suppose he doesn’t want to admit to himself that he cannot do the jobs himself.

I would think that one day it will be so bad that you will get angry with him or break down in tears and then a useful conversation will happen.

Don't forget to take care of yourself.

I agree with all the suggestions. I also understand that it isn't easy with a stubborn man and you are hard wired to look after him but sadly not yourself
A woman I know has the same problems. In her case it's the garden. Her DH refuses to get anyone in but cannot do it himself.
It sounds a miserable recipe.
Sending hugs.

Hi, I think, bearing in mind the sheer practicality you will need to ring a plumber, electrician, someone to help with the garden or whoever and set a new precedent. Upsetting this no doubt will be for your husband, but I suspect it’s time for him to face facts. You need more help about the place than he is able to give. I mean if you were to ask someone to help with the garden for example, what’s the worst he would/could do? I can’t see how you can do the caring of your husband and take care of everything as well. I suggest it’s time to gently introduce help in whichever form it’s needed. Good luck.

I really feel for you but you are going to have to quietly make the changes now and I suggest you do it in very small ways gradually increasing because he is in a very difficult position too He has lost his health probably feels frightened and crappy and watching his wife have to take the reigns into her hands
* In fact he won't discuss any plans for the future* he can’t sloegin because he knows he doesn’t have one he is fast losing his grip on life and all he has to hold on to is the ‘belief’ that he can still do what is needed in the house/ garden but practically you have to take over but do it stealthily so you don’t take away his tiny chink of normality and hope,

Re the plumber situation I think you should have been ‘helpless’ too and called him explaining (after you ve rung him) that you just no longer have the strength to do it (put the onus on your age or health not his) .

Please initiate help in a quiet gentle bit by bit way over a period of time putting the onus on your needs not his but at the moment you are colluding with his idea that all is well and nothing has changed

Good luck Sloegin keep in touch

Gosh Sloegin, I hear what you’re saying and I agree with what everyone is saying, I know just how relentless and sapping being a career can be (and frequently is).
I ran a Carers Centre for years, do you have any near you? Look up Carers Trust or Carers Uk. They offer free services to carers including advice and breaks from the caring role.
My husband too refused to countenance anyone doing anything until I simply told him I was getting them in to do jobs - he hates the thought of not being able but I simply said that it was the best thing to do. The final straw for me was him trying to change a light fitting on the landing, not really knowing what he was doing, leaving us without a light on the stairs and having to use a torch for a month!
Nowadays I just organise getting jobs done ?
Sending you hugs and I hope your husband will be more amenable with you getting the help you need x

I don’t know if the same applies in Northern Ireland but I believe in UK the water company is responsible for drains outside the walls of your property and therefore the blockage. They should deal with this at no cost to you.

Also when taking out buildings insurance, pay extra for home emergency cover. This gets a workman to sort out any emergency that arises in the home.

Sloegin

Urmstongran

Why weren’t you allowed (?) to call a plumber?

I suppose ' not allowed ' wasn't quite accurate but my husband kept insisting no need and I didn't want to upset him. If problem's not resolved I will put my foot down.

It's all very well not wanting to upset your husband but his attitude is upsetting you and you're the one who has to deal with the fall out.

Call a plumber and if your husband is 'upset' tell him that you are upset too and you NEED a plumber.

Some good advice here, Sloegin. Please take it: remember the instructions on an aeroplane " put your own seat belt on first, before you help others". And factor in a break from the house from time to time - go shopping - for nothing (!) - sit in the library, park or coffee shop for an hour .
Good luck ?, and keep venting here if it helps. You're amongst friends in this place.

I am so sorry about the situation that you find yourself in. However I do feel that you have to assert yourself and get help. Call the plumber. You really do have to take the reins. Otherwise your mental health is going to deteriorate and then you will both suffer.
You need to have the conversation outlining that you are now at a point where outside help is imperative. It is not a sign of weakness just a requirement of your circumstances. I wish you well.

Negotiating the way deteriorating health and age affects us is exhausting if we can’t share it with our partner/husband. It’s difficult to change the habits of a life time but it sounds you’re at the stage where that process has to start.
My experience is that men are more resistant to change in the domestic sphere. I’m with posters who suggest you call a plumber and tell him X the plumber will be coming at x time because yiu can’t fix it.
Find a gardener and fix for them to come weekly or fortnightly. I hope you can afford to do this. Can you organise supermarket food deliveries? In a quiet time, sit down and write down what you can do to make your life easier. Then start to do that.