I hate christmas

OnwardandUpward
It sounds like you’ve tried hard, and done your best.
I suppose a lot depends on your past relationship. I always think that if I had any happy memories to hold on to, I wouldn’t have been able to walk away, but I don’t.
All I’ve ever felt is huge relief, there is no way I would ever attempt any kind of reconciliation.

Sara, thanks for answering because I don't know if I should have asked. My Mother has had a lot of falls and another one could kill her. I haven't cut her off, but she cut me off and its not the first time. I had been planning to see her this Christmas despite everything, but I've been too ill to travel- and she hasn't even said thanks for the gift I sent, or Happy Christmas. We're running out of time now, I'm still too unwell and have to return to work soon. I don't feel she wants to see me.

I wondered how I'll feel and I don't know. I hope I won't have regrets, but I can't do her bit for her, so probably not. Reciprocal relationships are best.

OnwardandUpward
I suppose I won’t know for certain till it happens, but I think so.
I feel sad in a way that she’s so old, and knows she’ll never see me again, I don’t think she actually wants to, I suppose I’m just a loose end she would like to tidy up.
I wish her no ill, I just don’t want to see her again.

Are you ok with it if she dies without you chatting Sara1954 ? This is the first Christmas my Mother did not even say Happy Christmas. No card, nothing. I sent her a gift and didn't even get a thankyou. She does not tell me things and deliberately leaves me out of the loop.
I might leave her out of it next year.

For me there was no in between, despite us not liking one another, I was dutiful, visited regularly, acted like a good daughter.
Then we got to a last straw situation, and I knew I would never speak to her again, that was over twenty years ago, and apart from a brief ‘hello’ at a family funeral, there has been no contact.

So sorry Sara1954 that's terrible. My youngest sibling seems enmeshed with the N mother and always turns on me. I've avoided contact because it's just horrible, but if my hand is forced I'm willing to let go entirely, just to uphold my boundaries.

That's such a shame AnnSixty Wouldn't it have been lovely to have enjoyed those shopping trips like you see on tv and in the magazines etc. I think the last time we went clothes shopping together we were at Debenhams and she was making me try on all these (horrible) outfits that she thought I should wear to a family wedding and complaining about my weight. Eventually I found a dress I liked in my size but then she kept on complaining about my arms and insisting I find something to cover them. I eventually did but it wasn't flattering and I resented being made to feel defective.

She also made me feel so bad about my skin that I ended up buying Clinique foundation to keep her happy. I think by then she had chipped away at me so much that I believed I needed it. She also believed that women over 40 should have their hair cut short, so has hated my hair for years, especially as it grows thickly and hers never did. In so many ways she has attacked my appearance and everything about me.

I have decided it's her problem and I'm not going to listen anymore. She was also the sort of mother to comment on my weight and then insist I eat cake that she had made even though she knew I was cutting down. She would insist I ate the home made cake or she would throw a wobbly that she'd made it especially and start screaming about how ungrateful I was. She was fattening me up on purpose, but I will be healthier now. Friends have told me similar stories. It's mad!

Just like Christmas in magazines etc when every but you is having the most wonderful time with wonderfully decorated houses and families enjoying together, so it is with mothers and daughters.
Everyone else has this fantastic relationship and would do anything for each other.
It just isn’t true.
My mother was jealous of practically every aspect of my life and tried her best to spoil it.
She didn’t succeed and as I was an only child and she had showed her true colours to my children it is sad but she wasn’t mourned by anyone when she died.
An awful situation but brought on entirely by herself.

My mother has been pretty successful at separating me and my only sibling, that’s largely because he’s allowed it, not because he thinks I’m wrong or unreasonable, but because he’s taking the line of least resistance.
I’m sad that I’ve missed my nieces and nephews grow up, goodness knows what they have been told about me, but it’s a relatively small price to pay for never having to see her again.

Alioop that's an awesome plan. All anyone can do is their best.

I'm glad you had an Epiphany on Christmas Eve Flossy71. Do you know that abusers love to isolate their victims? I suppose by trying to make you feel guilty about going out, she's hoping to make you all hers. The triangulation she's doing to you and your siblings is classic.

My Mother has currently zoned in on one of my siblings and made them mad with me by stirring up trouble, which they cannot see has made them alone with her.

Your best hope in dealing with a toxic parent is to have brilliant communication with your siblings despite her, not to believe what your Mum says your sibling says, but to hear it direct. Go behind her back and talk to each other because it's the only way to preserve your relationship. Your sibling is your longest relationship, so good to work on it. Your Mother knows this and may also be jealous of that- so it trying to sabotage it. Stick together you guys. xx

You sound worn out Ethel. Empathy can wear thin in people as they get older, Their seeming unkindness, and thoughtlessness can be very difficult to deal with.

I don't think you can learn to be assertive on your own and you need to be, both for your mum and yourself. However, doing it in the right way is sometimes something we have to learn.

I would go to your doctor and explain how you are feeling. You need care too. I would write the major things you want to say on a list. My mind used to go blank when I felt worn out (and guilty) caring for my mum and not feeling I knew how to get it right. I am pretty sure there will be a course they can send you to. You may find you meet others dealing with parents too and having someone who knows to talk to can help.

I really hope you talk to the doctor. It doesn't have to be like this. You can't change your mum but you can change your attitude to her - with help. That should be better for both of you.

Ethel she is just mentally torturing you and it's not on. You do your best for her, but her demands just keep coming and nasty remarks with it so walk out when she starts, don't take it. I would wear music buds in my ears and go about ignoring her.
My uncle was in a care home and my mum and I visited him 3 times a week. It wasn't enough, we didn't care, we took his money( we couldn't and wouldn't) etc. The nurse told us to stay away for 3 weeks, let him stew, which we did. Every time he went back to his old ways we did it again.
Please look after yourself, you need time for you. If you can afford to, book a weekend away to recharge your batteries, I know your car getting fixed is a priority though. I hope 2023 will be better for you, you need a bit of happiness in your life.

So sorry Flossy71 , it Stinks and I know how it feels. If anything you need to carve out more of a life of your own and learn to ignore the things she says.

If you make excuses for her due to her age, you'll be enabling her awful behaviour (and suffering for it). I am not any longer making excuses for mine. She is nasty and age hasnt made any difference.

I have a friend who says her Mother throws herself down the stairs to get attention if she finds out she has a boyfriend or is doing anything nice, so she has stopped telling her. My friend works in a profession which means that she knows full well that her mother has MH issues that cause her to self harm for attention. I know someone else who dare not have his mother to visit because he thinks she will throw herself down his stairs in order to get to stay with him (he cannot stand that idea) It was put in his head by his friend, who it actually happened to.

Please start 2023 for yourself and say no to everything that doesn't fit with the goals and life you envisage for yourself. Love wants the best for you. Mothers are supposed to want the best for you. If they are abusive, you'll have to parent yourself and ignore her abuse. So sorry, I know what it's like

I'm struggling with the emotional blackmail from my Mum atm again... she's playing me and my siblings off against one another as usual. I had an 'epiphany' on Xmas Eve when I finally 'saw' what others have been seeing for so long..... it's hard to deal with, but I am having to toughen up to do so. I am an extreme empath... and make excuses for my Mum due to her age. BUT as one of my siblings keeps telling me, my Mum has always picked on me. I am the youngest (52 next month) and the only one without children. But I work 2 jobs as well as try to care for her. I've sacrificed loads recently and it's been a huge emotional and financial struggle. My Mum appears to be very jealous and whenever I go out with friends she is very 'off' with me. To the point I tend not to tell her about my social life anymore. She tries to make me feel bad for wanting to spend any time off with my friends and husband. She's so manipulative it's horrid.

Sara1954

Upwardandonward
Sorry, I didn’t make it clear, my mother is very much alive, but after our estrangement went to live at the other end of the country nearer to other family.
She was about seventy at the time, but already I was beginning to feel the emotional blackmail, and unreasonable requests.
We had a really bad relationship then, so I hate to think how it might have ended up.
So I really do feel for anyone in this situation, you are presumably in your sixties or seventies, time for you to have some time for yourselves.

So sorry. I might be in a similar situation as mine spread lies about me, told everyone I was going to die young because I'm obese (???) and left to live near other family, who now bear the brunt of her toxic ways. She doesn't appear to be able to operate a phone or write a letter, so contact is sparse.

Emotional blackmail is so awful. I'm glad you don't have that. I also really feel for anyone in this situation.

Thanks Erica. I'm glad to have found some people in similar situations here. It can feel very lonely being in this situation at times. I also feel guilt but that's down to parenting and something I need to work on myself. We can't change others behaviour but we can change how we react to it... a mantra I need to keep repeating to myself. Keep strong... you've got this

Upwardandonward
Sorry, I didn’t make it clear, my mother is very much alive, but after our estrangement went to live at the other end of the country nearer to other family.
She was about seventy at the time, but already I was beginning to feel the emotional blackmail, and unreasonable requests.
We had a really bad relationship then, so I hate to think how it might have ended up.
So I really do feel for anyone in this situation, you are presumably in your sixties or seventies, time for you to have some time for yourselves.

Home shopping is a good idea if your mum spends over Forty pounds a week I think most have a minimum spend. It wouldn’t work for my mum as she only spends fifteen pounds week and that includes fresh salad bowls that have to be eaten in three days.

Hi Flossy. There’s a few of us with 91 year old Mums .Just to say I agree with everything you’ve said.I’m so sorry a phone call to your mum spoiled your day, I’ve had a lot of spoiled days, weeks, months even.
My mum is in and out of hospital, very distressing for her and us. But she’s decided she won’t move into sheltered housing or a care home, so what can you do. I’m sure she would be much better, she is very lonely and suffers from anxiety and depression.
Since I set some boundary’s with my mum I have to say she is mostly better and more accepting of things generally. Doesn’t stop the guilt though unfortunately no idea why. Anyway good luck and I really hope things improve for you.

Ethelwashere1

Thanks again for the supportive messages. She’s been to my house, very subdued ate very little then went home. I think she says little in front of my daughter. She does do online shopping. I do click and collect as she can’t pack on the doorstep. Asda doesn’t bag anything now. I said in future it will have to be delivery if the car is off the road she began to cry. Christmas s over now hope you all had a lovely time. Thanks again for the kind remarks x

Just a bit of advice shopping wise.
Ocado and Morrisons both do bagged deliveries.
They also bring your shopping into the house if requested. They actually offer a lot of the time.
When neither my husband and I could carry stuff in I phoned Ocado and they put a note on the system to ask the driver to bring in the shopping as DH was often loath to ask for help.

Good luck with everything.
Be strong! You can do this! 💪

Hi Ethel, I'm new here. Joined as I am in a similar situation with my 91 year old Mother. I've just returned from 4 days away at my inlaws. I really needed that break, but even then when speaking to my Mum on the phone she upset me so much on Christmas Eve I was inconsolable and it ruined my day. I have made a decision to set my boundaries firmer and leave things to fate. She has refused further carers in to help and therefore I am done with trying, and I will refuse to be guilt tripped into anything. You have a life too Ethel and you need to take time off. Set healthy boundaries, refuse to get drawn into an argument and if she starts just quietly walk away. Believe me I know exactly how hard it is, but you will suffer further if not. Caregiver Burnout/Fatigue is real. You must look after your own health too. It's so important to have some self care and compassion. You could contact Adult Social Care and ask for an assessment if needs be. I hope your day goes ok today. I'm dreading going to see my Mum today and it's sad to feel like that,but that's what burnout feels like. You're not alone....

Sorry Sara11954 for the loss of your Mother.

I agree that washing unnecessary items on Christmas day is ridiculous. We don't do any laundry on Christmas day or boxing day- and wouldn't unless there was an awful accident of some type.

This year I'm particularly sad for people who have had what's meant to be "the most wonderful time of the year" wrecked by bullies. I'm thankful in a way that I'm unwell because I can't be in that position that I would usually be in, even though being ill is horrible.

My relationship with my mother ended one Christmas many years ago. We were very far from being in the situation you are in, but I think I could have been by now.
I can see it’s hard as she gets older, but as others have said, you really must stand up to her, washing unnecessary items on Christmas Day is ridiculous, so is changing curtains.
You sound sad and stressed, and she sounds like a bully.
Make it your new year resolution to put yourself first.

You had a slight breakthrough while your daughter was here, but be prepared for a renewed attack once she has gone. Your mother is subtle and manipulative in praising you to others but intimidating you once alone.You have seen she can moderate her behaviour, so she is in full control of her faculties, and you must stand up to her bullying; she won't alter otherwise.
Don't make plans about next Christmas, make them for next week. Have both your food shopping deliveries brought to your house, saving you extra trips, then you can sort it and take it two doors down. Insist she allows some help in her house, and refuse to do so much cleaning. Ignore Christmas curtains and bathmats and walk away if she complains.
You have made a small breakthrough; continue the offensive.

Please follow Witzends advice.
Age does not excuse or enable bad behaviour.
Your mother is not too old to learn that her bad behaviour has consequences.

My parents wouldn’t have a cleaner but when I finally persuaded them to get one they looked forward to her coming.
They did not get carers until my dad had to go into hospital for a small op and they found he wasn’t clean. They kept him in until they could get carers in place.
It was a huge relief for me.

I hope you are feeling stronger now.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this Ethel.
I would print out what you have written for us and present it to your doctor, telling them you cannot cope with this. I believe that you need a social worker as your mum’s main carer.
She does have the right to get help but not all of it needs to be from you and not all of it under such rigid demands. She doesn’t have the right to abuse you. You have the right to get support.

By the way, I discovered that it is possible to say no when asked to do the unreasonable. During my mum’s last year she was going on as usual anout her curtains. Had i or my sister changed them she would have come up with just another focus. I said to her that this request was a sentence that she said every summer and I hadn’t changed my own curtains in years. She responded with a surprised silence. Maybe your daughter could just quietly sit supportively with you while you say no. A supportive witness is always good. It has surprising results with bullies and manipulative people.