I hate christmas

I meant post not meant to be tunny

Oh Ethel, what a dreadful situation

Oh dear it rather sounds as if everything has come at once. Unfortunately as you have never stood up to your mother you have got yourself into an intolerably difficult position.
You were right to walk out and maybe stay away for a day or two. Show your mother that her bad behaviour has consequences.
I hope you get your car fixed soon so you can get away and try not to fall out with your daughter.

I hope you feel better soon but feel free to come on here and rant.

Well she sounds a complete nightmare to me. What a shame she's managing to come between you and your daughter. Yes, changing curtains for Christmas is fine - if you are able to do it yourself. Ordering someone else to do it isn't fine. The only reason for doing any washing on Christmas day is if someone has spilled a bottle of red wine or a jug of gravy over the tablecloth. I should certainly investigate a hotel for next year.

Oh Ethel. Trust that this applies to this year only.
Keep talking to us, blow off some steam and make yourself a little less available.

Ethel I remember you posting about the unhappy situation with your mother previously and I'm sorry that it seems to have got worse.

She really sounds difficult and controlling.

You need to stand up to her - tell her she can't expect you to go shopping (does she expect to go as well?), your car has broken down, and tell her that more bargains are available online anyway. Will she pay to have your car fixed?
She needs to pay for a home help to come in or for a cleaner once a week.

I think changing curtains for summer and winter ones is old-fashioned; my DM used to do this (or we were asked to when she couldn't do it herself).
Washing bath mats etc on Christmas Day?

Growing old and incapable of doing things is awful but she cannot treat you as her slave.

You have to learn to say No.

The only reason for doing any washing on Christmas day is if someone has spilled a bottle of red wine or a jug of gravy over the tablecloth
Bucket, cold water, salt 🙂

Why on earth change curtains for Christmas your mum sounds very spoilt did she have a husband who did everything for her, was she pampered ?
I think I d take her wrath and say “mum I m not well myself
I ll do what I can for you but if you need more you ll have to pay for it”( presuming she has money)
I’ve got to get the car fixed so I can go shopping for her NO NO NO you DO NOT have to go shopping for her you can buy everything she wants online and have it delivered to her and take her wrath, sounds as if you get it in the neck anyway
Tell her the cars out of action and it’s that or nothing YOU HAVE to stand up to her if any family member complain about you tell them they can do it, you’re not well enough at the moment and that’s not a lie mentally you sound worn to bits
It’s very very hard but you must say NO and find what is right for you You have obviously spoilt her to the extent that it’s harming you STOP now

So sorry for your mother situation, she has you right were she wants you, you need to break the cycle, don't give in.
Me I would say I had a bad cold or something, worried I would give to her and stay away longer.
Good luck and I am sure you will get good advice.
BTW.. Have I missed something here? Why the curtain changing?
My Late MiL was a season curtain changer as well. I wasn't until I married I heard of it.
In my part of the world, it's not a thing.

Ethel your life sounds intolerable and you need to di something about it.
Firstly, it doesn't matter what other people do re washing curtains etc. Do what you want to do.
Secondly, people will only treat you the way you let them. You need to be assertive with your daughter and mother.
It's time you stood up for yourself. You don't need to lie.
If your mum can get help and won't get it, that's her problem. Of course you want to help but you can't do everything.
I wonder too would you be entitled to a carers allowance.
You're entitled to enjoy your life. It's up to you to make changes now. No one else can do it.

People used to get fixated on having the house spick and span for Christmas. That may explain the curtain changing (extraordinary!) and washing the bath mat on C. Day.

My inclination would be to explain kindly as many times as necessary that you have your own housework and other things to do so you can only come for (say) an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. You don't mention her health/mobility - I suppose she has had her needs properly assessed? And then stick to it and say Well I must be off now, and go after whatever time has been agreed.
You shouldn't be expected to sacrifice your life for hers.

Thank you for the comments. I’m grateful. I might just point out that. I’m scared of her not physically but of her remarks. When she came out of hospital last Christmas. Thought she would get a carer and cleaner. I know she can afford both. She tells social services I’m such a good daughter and is nice to me. Apparently they can’t make you have help if you refuse.
Away from anyone , I’m stupid, careless, ignorant and impudent. Think hyacynth bouquets neighbour who keeps spilling the coffee as her hands shake. I’m like this

Carers allowance is only for those under retirement age.
Your mum may be entitled to other allowances which would pay for help for her but you need to tell her as kindly as possible that you can’t do everything she wants you to do.
As for curtain changing mine have been up undisturbed for about 25 years. They look fine.

She is abusing you, Ethel.
This has been going on for years and it is up to you to break the cycle.

Apparently they can’t make you have help if you refuse
She's sapped your confidence to the extent that it's going to be hard to do this but you need to ring Social Services in the New Year and get her practical help before you collapse.
Tell them you are not able to cope, she has to accept help.

Well, you could tell Social Services you're not helping and leave them to sort it out. Are you really prepared to live like this? I think perhaps speaking to a counsellor would be a good idea. You need to build your self-esteem. You're a worthy human being.
And if your mum can afford help then there is no need for you to do it.

It’s very, very hard to stand up to s eone who has controlled you for years.

Do you have a friend who will do this for you?

I had a friend in a similar situation and after she was put in hospital herself by her mothers unreasonable demands, I took over her mothers care for a while.

It was so easy for me to say No, because I had no history with her and no emotional connection. So I told her that I wasn’t going to drive into town to do shopping when she could get it delivered online. There was nothing she could do except agree.

I just helped out with what I was happy to do on a daily companionship basis. The moans didn’t get me down because I didn’t really care what she said.

I’m just suggesting it as a possibility that you need someone to ride shotgun for you and to tell her no for you.

It's never too late to make a stand Ethel, so why don't you start with her shopping. It's getting too much for you even when your car is up and running so it's online shopping or no shopping from now on.

I know it's easy for me to say this but you'll be surprised how liberating it is to begin regaining control over your own life.

As Deedaa's posted, changing curtains for Christmas is fine if you can do it yourself but not when you expect it to be done by someone else.

Do what you're able and happy to do and don't allow her to cause friction between you and your D. It's time to put your self first for a change.

Good luck .

Oh Ethel I remember you from before. I have a 91 year old mum. Very strong willed like yours. I also took her curtains down before Christmas to wash and on her insistence changed her bed, wiped all the bed frame down with fly spray because she believes she has some sort of insects somewhere, I’ve never seen any.
But that is where I draw the line, I’m not a strong person, but I am fair and kind. I have adult children and a DH I will not let her spoil my relationship with them.She has Carers 4 times a day now.She gets attendance allowance to help pay for them. She hates them, and me for arranging them but I don’t care there here to stay.
I’m 65 and DH older I have young grandchildren and I intend to enjoy them all. I feel guilty every day that I don’t do more. Think it goes with the job of being an only child. Put your foot down now. Good luck.

It’s lovely to hear from you again Ethel but I feel so sad for you and what your mother and daughter are putting you through. If your DD is so concerned about Granny, rather than her mother, who should be her priority, tell her to see to Granny then!
Time to make a new year’s resolution Ethel, stop being at their beck and call. I’m pretty sure if you were not around or so readily available, they would manage just fine. Next time your mother starts her nonsense, tell her you are not hanging around to be moaned at and….walk out, every time! If your DD can’t handle you taking care of yourself, that isn’t your problem and point out it is difficult enough dealing with Granny without her hurtful attempt at putting you on a guilt trip as your mother is doing such a good job of doing that herself.

Please look after yourself and in future, make yourself your priority. No one else can do this for you so don’t accept anymore verbal abuse from either of them. All the best.

Ethel - I hope you listen to the good advice on here

Erica you have taken the right approach and don't feel guilty at all.

I hope never get like this with my DC.

Is there any possibility you could move further away? This sounds like a dreadful situation and the only solution appears to me to put physical distance between you and this toxic relationship.

I lived at home until I was 22 (low income due to studying) and my mother used to nose through my wardrobe to see what Id bought (anythig new got a lecture). She even stole money out of my purse until I began taking it upstairs and hiding it under my pillow. Once £2 went missing from money in my bedroom which was for fares and lunches. She also opened my letters so I was forced to use a local accommadation address.

I moved to a flat only about 2 miles away but it was wonderful. My parents were not on the phone (1960s) and there were no mobiles then or any way of keeping tabs on someone other than going out to a phone box. My mother commented endlessly on my lifestyle as a single woman - it was the days of mini skirts and the later 1960s.

Every year she demanded I "come home" for a big christmas family gathering which she knew I hated. I took to spending the holidays with friends abroad. Later I just lied about going away as there was no way for her to check on me. I also played intellectual games with my family to "get back" and they never knew how much I earned as I was paid by bank transfer. I moved out as soon as i finished my professional exams and got promoted. My mother had a complete meltdown when she found out I was moving out in a weeks time.

Im sorry.

I had a similar situation with my Mother, but she lives hundreds of miles away and I don't have POA. One of my siblings lives near her and needs to develop better boundaries to safeguard their family life and kids from this nightmare. Last year I set up care for DM after staying to care for her, it was a very reasonable package of three half hour slots a day. It would have taken care of all her needs. She appeared to accept this, but when I got home I had a message from the care agency to say she cancelled the care by telling them she was leaving the area!

She has extensive savings and several pensions, but does not want to pay for her own care. I am still very upset by her actions, but have decided to respect her choices. My sibling says she is entitled to make a bad choice as she has mental capacity to weigh up the consequences.

So sorry, but I think you need to step back, for your own wellbeing. My mother also plays "divide and conquer" and its very toxic.

Ethel You have one thing on your side. Your mother doesn't live with you, so when she gets difficult, do not stop to argue or defend yourself, just get up and walk out saying. 'I am not going to let you talk to me like that' 'No, I cannot do that' ',You will have to organise that for yourself, then leave the room before she responds.

I’m so sorry, it must be so hard for you. Honestly, these tyrannical, selfish old people who expect their children to slave for them…🤬

If she can afford to pay for help, then she really ought to do so - of course she won’t like it but needs must.
As for nasty remarks, I’d just tell her that if she can’t be pleasant, I’m going home - and 100% mean it!! Every time!

That worked with my mother even though she had dementia - she would say really horrible things, but evidently knew I meant it when I said I’d go home if she didn’t stop.

I do hope things improve for you, and for your poor friend. 💐