I hate christmas

Thank You Onwards
Ethelwashere How it going?
Hope yor car is back safe.
I always feel better when mine is there - even if I'm not going anywhere.

I only just realised this myself. I hope you get some rest and feel lots better soon Ro60

Thank you Onwards Sometimes it's knowing the right terminology to use to people to get help . I'm going to try this out with her doctor. - once I've the energy.

Delila

Often people who cause such problems for their relatives, often their daughters, are in fact great survivors, supremely self-centred. They will thrive while others drop like flies around them. OP, I hope you will find a way to detach yourself from your mother’s hold on you and take advantage of the help that is available out there, thus enabling you to enjoy your life as you should. It will be well worth it.

When you say your mother “is someone else’s problem, Onward&upward, I get the feeling this is far from the case. It sounds from what you say that she is still constantly on your mind.

I know it’s easy to say & much harder to do, but you’ve done your best, now leave it to others. Some people won’t be helped - it’s not your problem now.

Yes you're right Delila, except she only thrives when she is centre of attention and apart from that she lurches from one crisis and drama to the next. I don't live near her so can't get there often and didn't manage to visit at Christmas because of covid. From day to day she is practically someone else's problem, but I think of her a lot because she is my Mother.

She constantly makes bad decisions, which she is allowed to do because she has mental capacity, but I have only just realised that that the consequences should be explained to her of her bad decisions and that is she persists in making decisions that are damaging her, it would be a safeguarding issue. Indeed the danger is her self neglect. She "won't be helped", but its a Safeguarding matter to make sure she IS.

Leaving this here for other kids of adults who Self Neglect. www.scie.org.uk/self-neglect/at-a-glance

Often people who cause such problems for their relatives, often their daughters, are in fact great survivors, supremely self-centred. They will thrive while others drop like flies around them. OP, I hope you will find a way to detach yourself from your mother’s hold on you and take advantage of the help that is available out there, thus enabling you to enjoy your life as you should. It will be well worth it.

When you say your mother “is someone else’s problem, Onward&upward, I get the feeling this is far from the case. It sounds from what you say that she is still constantly on your mind.

I know it’s easy to say & much harder to do, but you’ve done your best, now leave it to others. Some people won’t be helped - it’s not your problem now.

I have a friend who is constantly at his mothers beck and call, he pops out of work at least a couple of times a week because she’s having a problem with the television/heating/phone/ cooker etc
He has three sisters living locally, but according to his mother, they are all too busy.
He is endlessly patient and kind, and even when he gets a bit frustrated with her, he sees the funny side of the situation.
Maybe some people are better at dealing with it than others, or maybe she was a fabulous mum, and he wants to do his bit now.

A friend the same age as my DM told me not to visit so often. This has been like permission, so I do visit less. - Still 3-4 times a week though.
There's always something - this week, it's light bulbs & at least once a month she can't turn the tv on!
Now she's told the cleaner Not to contact me about the extra care she admitted to her she needed, but tell my DD - who has her hands full with health condition & children.
Like you, OnwardandUpward when I have arranged things for her - personal care for my DB when he was v. Ill, cleaner a couple of years ago she's sent them away saying they're not needed.
The liaison support worker from the GPS surgery visited;
"How can we help you?" He asked
"I'm fine I don't need any help I've got RO60" she replied.
Aargh!
Hair appointments on more than one occasion she just doesn't go they're closer than the nearby shops she goes to. I phone her half an hour before & she says "yes, I've remembered I'm just going" Then, I find she hasn't.
I've pointed out this is the hairdressers living she's taking. So now, I literally have to book & March her in there, tell the hairdresser it needs a good cut - and this time probably supervise.
The last time she told them just to take a little off - after we'd discussed a short cut with the hairdresser & there was hardly any difference!
So if I don't want to go out with the bag-lady.....

Ethelwashere1

I see from all your comments that my situation is not uncommon. I suppose it’s scary getting older but I wish my mother would read so we could discuss authors, for example. I wish she would agree to go for a coffee without saying in a loud voice how expensive everything is. She keeps saying she won’t pay the higher prices and I keep telling her everyone else has to or starve.
We’re I the new year, my car has been waiting for parts for 2 weeks and is getting fixed tomorrow so if I can go out by myself I will be less stressed. Just can hope for the best 😳

I'm sure it is scary. Even at the age I am, it's a little disconcerting.

Going on about not paying for things is not helpful. I can imagine other people being the same and none of us like paying more, but what can we do?

I really hope your car is fixed tomorrow as planned so you can make your escapes!

Hetty58 it's so sad isn't it. I lost several months this year down a deep hole of depression and despair because my mother sucked me into her mess and refused to do anything to help herself. She is mentally ill and not making good decisions but had capacity last time it was checked. She is consistently making such bad decisions that it makes everyone else's lives a misery because of her drama's (that could actually be avoided with good sense)

The most sensible thing would be the care package I set up for her already, but because I'm not local she was able to cancel it all the moment I went home. She should not be in crisis now, but she is because she is without care (that she cancelled). It makes me so mad. I have covid, so she is someone else's problem.

I have a friend in the same situation - totally bullied by an unreasonable, selfish mother. Still, she feels compelled (obligated?) to follow her mother's wishes and demands - as she sinks into anxiety/depression, with her own life ticking away. Sometimes, she loses it and shouts - hardly surprising. I tell her to put her foot down, before it's too late!

I have to listen to all the despair, frustration and anger caused by this daft arrangement - to both sides - and neither of them are happy. It's a ridiculous, sad, miserable existence, yet my friend won't concede that she can't cope - a matter of pride. Like her mother, she won't ask for help, won't make changes - or hand over the reins. She has a choice - but is the author of her own doom.

We don't have children so that they can be stressed, lonely and sad slaves later (looking after us) do we?

If we need help, we don't get to pick and choose who provides it. There's official arrangements, Attendance allowance funding, carers, cleaners etc., residential and in-home help available, after all.

Why is this situation so common? It doesn't even work very well. If you couldn't do the caring (maybe due to sickness, accident or full time work commitments) somebody else would have to step in. There is always a choice!

I see from all your comments that my situation is not uncommon. I suppose it’s scary getting older but I wish my mother would read so we could discuss authors, for example. I wish she would agree to go for a coffee without saying in a loud voice how expensive everything is. She keeps saying she won’t pay the higher prices and I keep telling her everyone else has to or starve.
We’re I the new year, my car has been waiting for parts for 2 weeks and is getting fixed tomorrow so if I can go out by myself I will be less stressed. Just can hope for the best 😳

I'm sorry for their mess, but it won't end until she dies or goes into a home. My sibling tried moving away but it didn't go well.

They are unhealthily enmeshed and my siblings kids end up losing out.

Ah yes, my Mum's golden child lives very near her since she deliberately left me behind and moved there. They are not coping brilliantly, but they happily took the house deposit they were given when she first moved there. My husband says they are earning it now.

I have stepped in before but I could not effect change as Mother doesn't want help with her situation , she wants attention, to be babied. It's incredibly selfish of her but she has competed with my siblings children for attention every time one was born and she still does it because she wants to come first in her golden child's life. I feel sorry for them, but they enable her and won't change their ways either so it's just a toxic duo going round in circles together.

Biglouis
Sometimes I feel guilty that my brother has born the brunt of my mother these last twenty years.
But he is the golden boy, always has been, and will inherit a substantial amount of money eventually, I couldn’t care less, he’s earned it.

When my mother grew very needy and clingy my sister rang me and ranted on about how she was doing all the caring and running about because she lived a few minutes drive away. She failed to appreciate that I lived in another city, did not drive, and had a job which regularly took me abroad. She recruited aunts and cousins to send me letters reproaching me. I returned them to sender in the same envelope with no stamp and the letter ripped in pieces.

When I reminded my sister that she had been the pampered golden child and that she was now paying for that, she complained that it was not her fault that she was the favorite.

"No, but you used your power to whinge and snitch and get me many a whalloping."

Karma can be such a bitch!"

So sorry Big Louis. I don't blame you, though I haven't actually dared do anything like that.

What I hate is that she agreed with everything I said (to my face) and then cancelled it all when I went home- and I heard her complaining to my brother as she pocket dialled me. I have no problem helping her, but what I am cross about is that she epically wasted my time by pretending she wanted help. Now she is having another crisis and I seem to have covid or similar, so have not been able to make the journey.

Its frustrating, but if she had not cancelled all the care I put in place for her she would not now be in a crisis situation. She will have plenty of time to think and I hope come to a better conclusion now that I've been too unwell to go.

My mother was constantly making bitchy remarks when I stayed with my parents. For example that I had no children and had "failed in my duty" as a woman and a daughter. It mattered nothing to her that I had a successful academic career and had gained a doctorate.

One evening there was a real stand up row. I went to my room, packed my weeknd case and walked out at 11 pm. I caught a passing cab into the city not expecting there to be a train back home but I found a stopping train that eventually got me back to Manchester. There were no mobiles then and I deliberately did not answer the phone to my mother for 10 days. She did not even realise I had left the house until the next morning.

Sometimes you just gotta teach 'em.

Hi Ro60, it's difficult isn't it.

My Mother does not have the care she needs because after I set it all up she cancelled it all because she did not want to pay- and my sibling who lives nearest is unable to provide it. She's currently in a bad way because of refusing to pay for care and waiting for a social worker to assess the situation. She had mental capacity last time she was assessed, but consistently makes awful choices.

I wouldn't mind, but she's wealthy and able to pay for the care, yet claims poverty (that doesn't exist) and if it did she would get help from the local authority in any case. I'm also over 200 miles away seeing as she moved to be near my sibling, so it's not something I can help with. I wish she would go in a care home because my sibling is not able to care for her. That's precisely why I set up the care package for her. So frustrating!

I hope this year is different! Happy New Year!

I've been watching this thread - going through similar with D?M.

Thanks for sharing - (I have mentioned in the past my DM)
I can relate to many of you. - it's draining & then managing one's own life as well.
It's not something I can talk over with friends as they are in different situations with their DMs - in homes, don't have them any more.
I've told my DDs if I get like her, put me in a home & visit once a year.
Happy New Year

Sara1954

OnwardandUpward
Same with me, my mother has moved a long distance away, so I’ll never bump into her accidentally.
Let other family members deal with her if they’re so wonderful and you’re so awful, give yourself a break, and look after yourself.
Happy New Year

Same. I'll never bump into her again.

I was devastated at first, but started to bloom and thrive as a person once I got over the initial shock.

Yes, other family members are so "wonderful" and I am "so selfish" in their words anytime I do anything positive for myself. With relatives like those, who needs enemies! I will do, thanks Sara1954

Happy New Year!

Witzend wrote:

"Caleo, what on earth is wrong with telling someone (calmly) that if they don’t stop saying horrible things, you will go home?"

Calmly assertive is what I mean by "Grow a pair". It's not easy to rise above emotional blackmail or sheer rudeness from old mother, and to act the calm adult at all times. However it's the only way to help old mother and suffering daughter.

Caleo, what on earth is wrong with telling someone (calmly) that if they don’t stop saying horrible things, you will go home?

My mother would say the most dreadfully upsetting things about my dh and dds - all quite untrue. Even though I knew it was the dementia talking I simply could not stay and meekly listen to it. I had invariably driven 60 miles to see her, taken something nice for dinner, and would always stay the night.

My calmly but firmly spoken reactions meant that the time we spent together was much more pleasant - or at least rather less fraught - than it would otherwise have been.

OnwardandUpward
Same with me, my mother has moved a long distance away, so I’ll never bump into her accidentally.
Let other family members deal with her if they’re so wonderful and you’re so awful, give yourself a break, and look after yourself.
Happy New Year

She is a horror! I am getting better at keeping my distance to save myself from harm. Fortunately she moved a few hundred miles away and Im not her nearest and dearest.

Upwardandonward
She sounds a horror, and you sound like you’re a lot happier when she’s not around, but it seems you still have an attachment to her, and maybe you aren’t ready to walk out of her life for good.
I think it’s only possible to estrange your parent completely, if you have no real feelings for them. Hate is too close to love.

I have some happy memories, but not at all in the last 15 years. I also have some very traumatic memories. I have just had a hell of a year with her where she has performed some awful mental and emotional manipulations on me, said some really upsetting stuff , told some huge lies to all her friends and anyone who tried to help her, turned down all the help I organised and then completely blanked me all Christmas.

I am done. Unless she says or does something positive or relatively nice, then I'd give her a chance because I am not a hard hearted person. All the time I was helping her, it was because I'm a nice person, not because she is. Even "nice" people have their limits.

She long ago moved far away so is nearer to other relatives now and it's not easy for me to see her. She always had problems with me, growing up and I've come to realise that for the first time, I'm thriving. I'm actually emotionally and mentally healthier without her. The only time in my life when I almost committed suicide was when she was most involved in my adult life. She was a total bully and I had a total breakdown.

She tells lies about me and paints herself as a massive victim so that in the past her friends have been horrible to me. I probably have enemies who do me less harm. She is not a victim and everything that she is now doing, she chose. She chose to move away. Although I was initially devastated, I now see it was a huge benefit because I never knew how well I could be. I also cannot trust her because last time I was at her house I heard her on the phone lying blatantly to her friends and it was so blatantly false and obvious to me that I can't trust one thing she says. It's all about her and how she can manipulate others.