Challenging council over care

I can't help with the OP but wish you well.


What I would add to the search for a suitable home is based on the recent experience of a dear friend whose mother was basically given no choice of home during the pandemic. My friend was distraught at not being able to find a nicer alternative to the one "allocated".

It was not as horrible as some described here but was still not really very nice and it was very old and tired with virtuallyno outside space... BUT the staff were diamonds and just so lovely. They were almost like family to her and the care, support, encouragement - and yes, joy - they brought to her last couple of years was better than anyone could have hoped for.

In the smarter private homes my friend visited (when allowed) she didn't see the same level of caring or rapport. When her mum died last month she said she was truly grateful that she hadn't had a choice as her mum was just so happy there.

Sometimes we overlook the most important thing (the people) in the hope of nicer surroundings or better facilities.

Hats off to all those kind, considerate hard working carers out there. I just wish they all had a lovely, fresh, easy environment to work in and that their residents were able to enjoy the facilities that make the last stage of a person's life more pleasant.

We really do need to fix this shameful mess.

This is true. When I was in social work, the best home as far as I was concerned was mega-scruffy, but homely. The lady who ran it was happy for a resident with dementia to take the garden to pieces, planting and replanting all the time because it made him happy; and I went in one day and everyone was eating fish and chips from paper on their laps - a resident had said she missed this, so off they all went in the mini-van and came back with their lunch!

Homes like this are precious. Needless to say the CQC closed it down. Sigh.

Caring staff are needed, but they are facing a losing battle if they are in unsuitable surroundings.

I agree too about the smart homes not always being the best. When I was working in social care and had time to talk to the residents the happiest were in a home that looked scruffy on first impressions but they did art, baking, gardening - basically anything they asked to do and most importantly they had fun and were usually happy.
A couple of homes were super smart - one especially had the “wow” factor when you walked in- chandeliers, gorgeous soft leather armchairs in the reception area (most residents couldn’t get out of them but weren’t encouraged to sit there anyway) dining tables beautifully set with white table linen but it was all for show, to impress family and visitors.
The care was really bad and staff never stayed long, I would advise talking to the staff and other residents if you can to determine what’s the homes really like to live in.
If however you still really dislike the home the council will fund and you don’t want to pay a top up it is usually possible to look for one outside your area as long as it stays within budget.

My friend's mum had two staff members who sang songs from her childhood to her as they helped her dress/bathe etc. She told my friend regularly how nice it was to be "living with her best friends".

It was a pretty worn down place on a busy main road luckygirl - and needed more than a quick lick of paint!

I have found that care homes, as opposed to nursing homes, where residents are able to participate in activities and some self care are generally better.

It’s when there are nursing needs, and/or people with fairly advanced dementia that care can deteriorate. It must be difficult to get well trained, or even enough staff to work in what to be fair, is a really difficult job. I appreciate not all nursing homes are the same, but my mother was not treated with compassionate care when she was a resident in a nursing home for a few months.

She was a “task” to be dealt with rather than a living human being. Often if 2 carers were dealing with her they interacted with each other, hardly speaking to her at all. She was immobile and spent all the time alone in her room, with necessary personal care carried out in a perfunctory manner.

The home we found for my mother was purpose built and absolutely lovely but the staff were absolutely wonderful with her and with the other residents. It’s not true that because a home is physically lovely that the staff don’t care. They do, and they cared for us relatives too. We were always offered a cup of tea or coffee and something sweet to eat when they came round with drinks and snacks for the residents. They found time to chat with the residents and with their relatives. We were always kept fully informed about what was happening with mum. There was a full programme of activities, wonderful activities and I always encouraged mum to join in, but she rarely did. She was working towards the end of her life and didn’t have much enthusiasm for activities for those last months. She was treated with the utmost care and compassion always. The staff were wonderful. No ideology here either, mum preferred female carers for her personal care and this was totally respected. She was happy with male carers for other more general needs. We were lucky to find such a wonderful home where everyone, including visiting family, were treated with love and respect.

NotSpaghetti, we looked at so many care homes before choosing one for FiL, and later for my mother, and I’d certainly agree that the most expensive is not necessarily the best, not at all. One we looked at for my mother had very smart, ‘Homes and Gardens’ decor in the public rooms, but the room they proposed to offer was down a maze of narrow corridors, and the actual room (it was a converted hotel) was very small, with the original avocado washbasin! Totally unsuitable, yet they were quite willing to take her - and that was one of most expensive ones.

Especially when there’s dementia, IMO ‘smart’ decor is there to impress relatives who are choosing - cosy and homely, with cheerful staff, is IMo much more important.

The worst home I encountered was a very expensive seafront one, where an old aunt of dh (frail but no dementia) put herself for a month while her helper was away. On paper it was very swish, but I visited her there twice - the staff were surly and miserable - the atmosphere was awful - the aunt absolutely hated it and couldn’t wait to go home.

My mother finally went to an Abbeyfield, purpose built for dementia, which was excellent - and again, by no means the most expensive. Many of the residents were not self-funded - maybe as many as half.