Fulfilling my mum's expectations

Get ready for her to "forget" the agreement and push for more

Well done Still. I’ve also done the walking away when being accused of not being good enough. I haven’t had to listen to that for a long while now. Long May it continue.

You are doing great!

Well done xx

Still, it would not totally surprise me after you have stuck to this for awhile, she starts taking more interest in the social situations easily available to her.

I just hope that I start off by doing this I'd see family as a loving addition.

You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm

Please take time for yourself too

Well done for standing up for yourself!

Well done!

Well done for staying in control. It sounds like a positive and fair outcome 😊

Had the discussion with mum today. I am proud to say that when she started shouting and flinging accusations, I got up and left. When I got home I phoned her and told her what I could offer and we reached an agreement. I think leaving showed her I was an adult who would not put up with being bullied but would continue to support her.

Do only what you can do happily. Exhausting yourself, being stressed, will only lead to resentment, and that will poison your relationship.

You deserve time for yourself. Make sure, as @Hithere suggested, you put yourself on the calendar.

Op

First - get a calendar and write the current schedule you follow everyday

Count the hours you invest in each bucket- your family, house related, mother related, etc

You will be surprised how little time you invest in yourself

Next:

Get a paper calendar and write the must things you must absolutely to do everyday

Then add 1 hour for you to decompress and relax- at least 3 to 4 times a week

Now make a list of things you would like to do and see how it fits in the schedule - your mother's demands are included here, not in must above

Tell her very clearly what you can do for her, if she complains, too bad so sad

You matter. Don't live your life for others

When I read these threads Im glad I was wise enough never to have any children. We dont bring children into the world at their own behest. Rather they are concieved during an act of our pleasure. So I dont believe children owe their parents a duty to look after them in old age, or to sacrifice their lives (and those of their own family) upon the altar of filial devoir.

I looked after my elderly Mum for many years, first in her own home and later in mine when she came to live with me. My advice is to set a definite routine and stick to it. I arranged carers and told her firmly this is what is happening. My sibling backed me up and after a time Mum looked forward to the carers coming especially one who came almost daily and who she got to know well. I arranged a home hairdresser for her and several times a week the carers gave her a frozen meal rather than me do the cooking. It worked well really but she could be quite demanding in a subtle way. She's gone now and of course I miss her and think about what else I could have done but I am in my 70s and was too tired to do any more. It definitely affected my health and I am more relaxed now. You need to stand firm about what you can and can't do.

Hope it goes well, Still.
💐

Thank you all for your comments. I have yet to have the talk with mum but feel in a much better place to do this as you have all helped me focus my thoughts. I am not going to go back to being a small child during the discussion but have an adult to adult talk about what I can and cannot offer. Thank you. x

Looking after someone is a two way street. Far too many women let their mother's become petty dictators, feeling that just because they are elderly and gave birth to them they should be treated as 'she who must be obeyed' when they get old. Why?

I am not suggesting anyone walk away from an elderly parent and leave them to their fate, but I do think that what people do for their mother should be governed by the same rules that would govern you in every other part of your family life.

People need to decide how their family life - and non-family life can best run and how their mother fits in. They need to talk to their mother and tell them what they can do and what they cannot, and not let their mother emotionally blackmail them into doing more than they can. They also need to call out parents, who refuse to be rational and reasonable and do something to help themselves. For example complaining of loneliness but refusing to join in communal activities and demanding that their daughter meets all their social demands.

Thankfully, my father, who outlived my mother was very determined not to be dependent on his children, but I had an uncle who I was close to and was carer for, who asked to come and live with us, and he was backed up by a psychiatrist, who had it in for me and wanted my uncle out of his hospital catchment area and they put enormous emotional pressure on me to get me to take him in, but I stuck my toes in and said 'no'.

It was much the better thing. My uncle went into a care home near his home, initially on a temporary basis, but liked it so much he decided to stay, and because he stayed local, all his friends could visit him. It was a lot further for me to travel to visit, but that was the compromise I made.

Still. In that case I think one full day is enough especially at this stage where she seems quite well and does at least have some company. I think it’s best to set boundaries now, and lower her expectations.
I couldn’t manage two full days either I would be exhausted and then not able to enjoy or look after grandchildren, never mind the house or DH. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to spilt myself up, even though I’ve recently retired. It’s difficult trying to be fair to everyone, always putting myself last.Hope you find a solution. Look after yourself .

I think you have to have the discussion, you decide what time you want to spend with your mother that’s manageable and say that. She sounds as if she has other things she can do where she lives. My mother was a carer and she used to say that most of the elderly she cared for rarely if ever saw their children and she used to get very upset about it., to have one day a week would more than please me if I get very lonely and can’t go out, but I know it won’t happen. We cannot, any of us depend on our children when they themselves are old, being there to help. I don’t like to think of it.

Please also think of yourself in this situation. I looked after my mother for ten years and could never live up to her expectations. She blamed me for everything and accused me of everything from being a liar to an alcoholic. I had one drink a year at Christmas. My parents had a volatile marriage as they were both very strong characters. Please stand your ground. If your mother is safe and well perhaps find a balance, say an outing once a month and stick to it, or the grandchildren once a month. Only you will know your mother if she is a cheerful strong willed lady or a domineering negative lady. From that you can judge what you can give. I would also plead exhaustion if nothing else works. The problem is the further you go down this road of guilt, they worse it will become. You are a person with rights and if everyone around you is 'safe' then set your own agenda. If you don't there is the possibility of burnout which I suffered and it has taken me five precious years to even be able to feel and communicate again. Please protect yourself.

Ah, the lessons we vow to learn about whats fair to demand of our children!

My great sympathies, but you need to set the boundaries, and it seems to me that you need to hear her concerns out..

but its a "no" to trying to be "Everything and make everything better" for her, when there are other opportunities to socialise. and..

.sadly, however much you "give" some things emotionally can't be made better, even if she thinks so. If you think she is actually depressed, its not unusual for GP's to give low dose anti-depressants to help out, there are some now very suitable for the very elderly..

the only other alternative I can think of is - if there is the family money - a very comfortable residential home setting.

Still - could you organise a regular lunch club outing? Maybe go with her once to check it out?

housingcare.org/service/list/s-67-lunch-clubs/l-136-stratfordonavon

It sounds to me as though you are doing as much as you can for your mum.
Very old age is so trying for everyone involved. More demands seem to come before actual extra needs. I found this so difficult with my mum and have vowed not to do it to my children. Strangely, once she reached the state of actually having those needs, the tensions reduced.
I would suggest that you make sure that you have worked out your boundaries before you have the conversation and stick to them.
I thought the idea of combining shopping and a trip was a good one.

Someone suggested to me to develop activities with my mum so that she had a positive focus to share with me. For us, it was dominoes. It wasn’t that I went any more often ( went a lot already) but rather it was that we had something to enjoy together that didn’t involve her getting into negative circles of thought.

"Would twice a week be too much, could you do shorter visits "

No it's two full days plus the additional trips to the GPS, etc., additional time back at our for tea with grandson.

"Would your mum consider going to a club ? Sometimes they have volunteer drivers that would provide transport"

I have suggested this but unfortunately it a no go.

Still. My children are the same all over the place with young families. I think that’s some of the problem, in years gone by families we’re much closer on the whole and able to pop in and out. My mum thinks I see my GC daily and have family popping in and out but of course that’s not true. when I tell her she can’t understand how it is these days and she feels left out.
Would twice a week be too much, could you do shorter visits ? It’s difficult when they won’t accept help , my mum would never have agreed to carers, only the last time she was in hospital they wouldn’t let her home without them. She complains about them everyday which doesn’t help.
Would your mum consider going to a club ? Sometimes they have volunteer drivers that would provide transport.

Sounds as though you had a lovely relationship with your parents. Mum is not ill but wants more than I can give. I hope I can do the same as you when the time comes.