Fulfilling my mum's expectations

See what she has to say before worrying, as it might be something quite simple that you can accommodate. There may be other activities available to her.

Oh dear, in my experience no matter how much you do, no matter the love between you, you will always feel guilty, feel you are not doing enough - when you clearly are. You are not your Mum’s entertainer. She is safe and well and you can’t stress yourself out trying to split yourself into too many parts. You have your own family and they come first. Have a word with yourself, make yourself understand that you already have plenty on your plate, and you are already doing a lot for your Mum, and then tell your Mum. Could your husband back you up? Is there some sort of social coordinator where your Mum lives who might arrange for her to join in more activities? I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but I’ve been there and you will just end up stressed out and unable to cope with any of it.

Good advice from Patsy. Try not to worry, 'clearing the air' will give you the opportunity to let your mum know what you can and can't do, so it may be good for both of you.

My mum struggled when she had to move down south to be near to me, it's taken a year, she's doing ok but wants me to go more often. I could do that, but am getting increasingly agoraphobic, and just don't WANT to go out! On the other hand, I am very socially isolated and depressed, but am now scared to do anything on my own. My life is basically online! My own fault, I know, but I don't know how to end the rot .... problem is, when you don't do anything, you don't have anything to talk about either, so any friends you did have, gradually drop off.

Regarding the shopping, why not do an online shop which would give you a little more time to devote to other things?

I wonder why she thinks she needs to 'clear the air' with you? Take the grandkids with you if possible maybe and kill 2 birds with one stone?

You probably need to have the talk so that you actually know what she wants/needs?

Yes clearing the air will be good for us both. Last year we had a similar discussion but perhaps it's time to revisit. Unfortunately mum doesn't want to join in other activities with residents or church/social clubs but is looking for me to take her out on day trips out once a week.

I had thought about taking her out to Stratford upon Avon for lunch then calling into Tesco's on the way back but she said she wants to keep them separate. Online shopping was a no go from her point of view too

I feel as if I’m going against the grain here - perhaps only child syndrome?
I had a busy life - DH working away, children at school with me doing a 50ml round trip, a kennel full of dogs to see to and a big commitment to a voluntary organisation. However, as my DM’s health worsened, I rearranged things to spend every Tuesday with her, so my DF could get out of the house, as he was her carer and she was house/bed bound.
Years later, as my DF needed help, I did whatever I could to make his final years easier - going every evening with shopping or just to sit and do the crossword with him. I didn’t find a day a week/fortnight to take him out demanding and I hope we enjoyed each other’s company on those precious days. By this time DH was retired and fully understood my desire to help out and would come along to mow DF’s grass.

Still. I could have written this. My mum is 91 quite frail though and very lonely. I feel so very guilty, I visit twice a week doing her shopping before I visit and I when its time to go she always asks me not to leave it’s truly awful.
I’m always upset but like someone said whatever I do it’s never enough. Her memory is so poor now she can’t remember the last visit.
I can’t take her out shopping because she can’t walk enough and she refuses a wheelchair. I bring her to my house occasionally, but she always wants extended family there too and it’s not always possible.
It’s not easy. I haven’t got any answers for you but you have my sympathy. As they get older they only seem to want their loved ones. Mine hasn’t any friends or visitors apart from me and the carers ? but apparently they don’t count.

I do sympathise. Extreme old age is so trying, for the person and for their loved ones. You mention grandchildren, so you must have at least one child! Do they live near enough to take some of the burden and spend a little time with their granny on a regular basis? It does seem as if you're finding it difficult to cope, and your mother would surely be glad to see them.
My DM died "while she was still alive" at 85. I miss her every day (specially since my DH died). She was sad to leave us, but she'd had to work hard to lead a normal life by then, with various ailments. I think we were both lucky.

I’ve got to add that my DF was a wonderful, easy going man. Sharp as a tack (almost) ‘til he was 96 and so appreciative of whatever anyone did for him. His DGDs adored him and we still miss him.

i echo georgesgran.

Still

I had thought about taking her out to Stratford upon Avon for lunch then calling into Tesco's on the way back but she said she wants to keep them separate. Online shopping was a no go from her point of view too

Do you actually take her shopping, if not then what's the difference!

If you don't take her, you could also be a bit clever and get the online shopping delivered to the boot of your car on the day you usually go!

Thanks everyone for your suggestions and kindness. Yes I have three children; one with mental health issues, one in hospitality, the other in London. So not much availablity to help out.
I am lucky that I have my mum is well, sharp as a pin and can look forward to another few years yet but she is unwilling to accept help from others except from myself now she is requesting two days a week.

Sounds as though you had a lovely relationship with your parents. Mum is not ill but wants more than I can give. I hope I can do the same as you when the time comes.

Still. My children are the same all over the place with young families. I think that’s some of the problem, in years gone by families we’re much closer on the whole and able to pop in and out. My mum thinks I see my GC daily and have family popping in and out but of course that’s not true. when I tell her she can’t understand how it is these days and she feels left out.
Would twice a week be too much, could you do shorter visits ? It’s difficult when they won’t accept help , my mum would never have agreed to carers, only the last time she was in hospital they wouldn’t let her home without them. She complains about them everyday which doesn’t help.
Would your mum consider going to a club ? Sometimes they have volunteer drivers that would provide transport.

"Would your mum consider going to a club ? Sometimes they have volunteer drivers that would provide transport"

I have suggested this but unfortunately it a no go.

"Would twice a week be too much, could you do shorter visits "

No it's two full days plus the additional trips to the GPS, etc., additional time back at our for tea with grandson.

It sounds to me as though you are doing as much as you can for your mum.
Very old age is so trying for everyone involved. More demands seem to come before actual extra needs. I found this so difficult with my mum and have vowed not to do it to my children. Strangely, once she reached the state of actually having those needs, the tensions reduced.
I would suggest that you make sure that you have worked out your boundaries before you have the conversation and stick to them.
I thought the idea of combining shopping and a trip was a good one.

Someone suggested to me to develop activities with my mum so that she had a positive focus to share with me. For us, it was dominoes. It wasn’t that I went any more often ( went a lot already) but rather it was that we had something to enjoy together that didn’t involve her getting into negative circles of thought.

Still - could you organise a regular lunch club outing? Maybe go with her once to check it out?

housingcare.org/service/list/s-67-lunch-clubs/l-136-stratfordonavon

Ah, the lessons we vow to learn about whats fair to demand of our children!

My great sympathies, but you need to set the boundaries, and it seems to me that you need to hear her concerns out..

but its a "no" to trying to be "Everything and make everything better" for her, when there are other opportunities to socialise. and..

.sadly, however much you "give" some things emotionally can't be made better, even if she thinks so. If you think she is actually depressed, its not unusual for GP's to give low dose anti-depressants to help out, there are some now very suitable for the very elderly..

the only other alternative I can think of is - if there is the family money - a very comfortable residential home setting.

Please also think of yourself in this situation. I looked after my mother for ten years and could never live up to her expectations. She blamed me for everything and accused me of everything from being a liar to an alcoholic. I had one drink a year at Christmas. My parents had a volatile marriage as they were both very strong characters. Please stand your ground. If your mother is safe and well perhaps find a balance, say an outing once a month and stick to it, or the grandchildren once a month. Only you will know your mother if she is a cheerful strong willed lady or a domineering negative lady. From that you can judge what you can give. I would also plead exhaustion if nothing else works. The problem is the further you go down this road of guilt, they worse it will become. You are a person with rights and if everyone around you is 'safe' then set your own agenda. If you don't there is the possibility of burnout which I suffered and it has taken me five precious years to even be able to feel and communicate again. Please protect yourself.

I think you have to have the discussion, you decide what time you want to spend with your mother that’s manageable and say that. She sounds as if she has other things she can do where she lives. My mother was a carer and she used to say that most of the elderly she cared for rarely if ever saw their children and she used to get very upset about it., to have one day a week would more than please me if I get very lonely and can’t go out, but I know it won’t happen. We cannot, any of us depend on our children when they themselves are old, being there to help. I don’t like to think of it.

Still. In that case I think one full day is enough especially at this stage where she seems quite well and does at least have some company. I think it’s best to set boundaries now, and lower her expectations.
I couldn’t manage two full days either I would be exhausted and then not able to enjoy or look after grandchildren, never mind the house or DH. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to spilt myself up, even though I’ve recently retired. It’s difficult trying to be fair to everyone, always putting myself last.Hope you find a solution. Look after yourself .

Looking after someone is a two way street. Far too many women let their mother's become petty dictators, feeling that just because they are elderly and gave birth to them they should be treated as 'she who must be obeyed' when they get old. Why?

I am not suggesting anyone walk away from an elderly parent and leave them to their fate, but I do think that what people do for their mother should be governed by the same rules that would govern you in every other part of your family life.

People need to decide how their family life - and non-family life can best run and how their mother fits in. They need to talk to their mother and tell them what they can do and what they cannot, and not let their mother emotionally blackmail them into doing more than they can. They also need to call out parents, who refuse to be rational and reasonable and do something to help themselves. For example complaining of loneliness but refusing to join in communal activities and demanding that their daughter meets all their social demands.

Thankfully, my father, who outlived my mother was very determined not to be dependent on his children, but I had an uncle who I was close to and was carer for, who asked to come and live with us, and he was backed up by a psychiatrist, who had it in for me and wanted my uncle out of his hospital catchment area and they put enormous emotional pressure on me to get me to take him in, but I stuck my toes in and said 'no'.

It was much the better thing. My uncle went into a care home near his home, initially on a temporary basis, but liked it so much he decided to stay, and because he stayed local, all his friends could visit him. It was a lot further for me to travel to visit, but that was the compromise I made.