Reluctant carers, should I interfere and insist NOK step up to support?

Please don't blame her ac

This person has been a carer herself, she knows the complexities of the role inside and out and chooses to hide her head in the sand?

You say she does not have mental diminished capacity so it is very clear she needs daily help - and it is not you or your husband who needs to fill that gap

She needs to hire people to help her

For a person who likes boundaries, you are very dangerously ignoring them and enabling her

Thanks for the input everyone.

We are very boundaried (is that a word?) and have insisted for some time now that she contact her children first when she is unwell. It is usually the first question we ask her if she calls us. We are also not afraid of responding (and have done) to health care officials with the phrases similar to the ones suggested. Our names are not listed anywhere as NOK, and never have been.

But it is very hard knowing she is just a mile down the road and she has run out of food staples, or she needs a prescription collecting (the pharmacy are now delivering, but she still has to remember to order).
I popped in to see her this afternoon. The first time since she was discharged from hospital. She is in a muddle with her tablets. Hardly surprising given that that it has all changed. She asked me to help sort them out as she knows she has missed some doses, she also thinks something was not issued to her that is on the list and at a quick glance I think she's correct. Difficult for me to refuse, if I do who else is going to do it?
As a semi retired nurse I instinctively want to help and if she became seriously unwell (or even died) because of prolonged missed medication how would I feel? This is an easy win for me to sort out and of course I've said yes. My husband has ordered two dosette boxes for her and we will try to get some order and a sense of what she is meant to take and when.
She does not lack capacity and is quite able to (and has done for some time) manage internet banking and she also orders her groceries online for delivery.
But its the small everyday stuff that is hard to say no to, like getting her some ready cash so she can pay her cleaner or the odd job man (who is forever doing stuff around the flat for her), or taking the rubbish/recycling down to the communal bins.
I guess we don't altogether mind doing these small bits for her but they are cumulative and the more we do the more she relies on us. Meanwhile her children remain blissfully unaware of how much support she needs.
They live 3 hours from each other and it's a 3 hour journey for her daughter and 3 1/2 hrs for her son to visit her. (Only her daughter lived near her before she moved to us).

My husband typically, will not want the confrontation, but meanwhile gets more and more resentful which sometimes spills over into our everyday life in the form of extreme grumpiness, irritability, moping and general lack of engagement in everyday life.

I have talked it over with him and I think we will be having a word with them, just the once, to put it out there and so they understand how we feel. The rest will be up to them.

What fleur and M0nica said

Her failure to plan is her own fault, not even her adult children

1) Make sure that every social/medical care organisation in your area have your SiL's childrens names, addresses etc down for next of kin and first call in emergencies.

2) make absolutley sure that you and your DH's names and contact details are on none of these lists.

Then learn all those helpful phrases Fleur20 has listed and use them on both local organisations and SiL's children.

As previous poster said, make sure your details are not listed as contact on any records.

Then practice some firm phrases to have ready when conversations arise with people.

"We are not available to provide ANY care."

"We are not next of kin".. have her adult childrens details to hand to pass on.

"We cannot make any decisions on this matter."

"We are not able to pass comment on that arrangement."

"Do not contact us again on this matter."

Stay strong and clear.
Social services and medics will step back and run away at the first sign of weakness and willingness to assume the responsibilities of care.
Look after yourselves.
YOU are YOUR priorities!

Yes it would. But he may not want to do it.

I would try to take a step back if you can. Can your husband talk to his sister, or talk to her children? Somehow I think it would be better coming from him.

In passing, or to be overheard, I'd let her children know that you can't help due to your own problems, but that their mother will have to pay for everything out of her own pocket, which lessens however much they're expecting to be left in her will!!
That might light the fire under their backsides!
Btw, how far are they from her?

Can you remove your details from Social Care and give them the next if kin info?
Likewise for the "help" services. Given "she agreed to self fund onward care it seems reasonable that the care services could instigate that with her (or the social worker).

I wouldn't go behind your husband's back but I would contact social care and explain she needs help setting things up (and you can't do it as it is too stressful for your husband).

So far they set up the 4 weeks when you were away. Technically it's not your call anyway.... are you sure it's not already in place?

As your husband has health problems maybe prioritise your own immediate family. She is an in-law and not a blood relative so you would do well to step back and let her adult children make any arrangements. Do not become emotionally blackmailed into committing yourself to another decade of caring for someone. Eventually they will have to make the choice whether to become involved or not. They may resent you stepping in to suggest what they should or should not do. I know that I can get quite angry when some third party tried to tell me what to do.

Apologies, it should read:

'she does NOT have the motivation to make these arrangements'