Can I get this off my chest

This forum is such a wealth of knowledge and understanding. Everything people said on here was totally spot on and gave me such comfort . Thank you . I know as time goes on I’ll be back asking for more words of wisdom .

Hi Nannie4,
Bless you. I was in a similar situation before my mum died so I understand the guilt. As a grandmother myself and no parter I know how easy it is to rely on family for company. I was going to suggest you contact AgeUK. I’m pretty sure they organise someone to call an elderly person and befriend them for regular chats. You could explain her situation and see what they can offer. Hope it helps 🙂

Result! Great to read your update. Long may it last.

I think I may start a thread about how to not become the over-needy elderly parent, before we all reach that stage. For advice- I don’t have all the answers.

Nannie4,so good to read this! Well done to you and your mum

Nannie4. So pleased you’ve found help here. Sometimes you know what needs to be done but you just need permission and a push to get on with it. You’ve done well with your mum, so pleased she’s enjoyed the craft class, long May it continue. Heartwarming 💕

My heart goes out to you I have been there until I could not take any more. Please take advice here and reach for all the help you can and look after yourself too.

You can only do what you can do. We often cannot take away pain from the people we love. We would if we could but often we can't and we have to to accept this and not feel guilty because we are not doing something we are not empowered to do. I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself by feeling that you can and you should make your mother happy. That is a tall order for anyone in any situation let alone the situation she is in now. The emotional distress will wear you out which will not help anyone. You sound a kind and caring daughter who is doing the best she can. Try to self soothe and be as kind to yourself as you can too. I know it is not easy.

I think the groups she could go to could be the answer. Many years ago, at the other end of the scale, I suffered months of post natal depression and shut myself away , just me and a baby who never slept . The days were long , a real struggle and I felt a failure. My then husband encouraged these feelings. Then, my health visitor introduced me to a toddler group where I made friends and waved the crushing depression bye- bye. I just needed a push in the right direction to rejoin the world. I hope you get help for your mum. You sound like a fantastic daughter.

Hi, my mum has dementia, has had for over 12 years now.
Hopefully in your mum's case it may not be, but if it is there's emotional support and advice.
It's a difficult journey for all concerned, but I found' Talking Point' a forum where carers, and family can chat online, ask advice on alsorts of issues you may come across. It is part of the Altzheimers Society.
For anyone who needs advice, or even to unload, you will find support.

I wish you well, look after yourself too.

I have three sisters but my mother lived closest to me so I visited every other day. Luckily I have a very understanding husband. When she passed away at 100 I thought I would be free to do as I pleased but now my older sisters are on their own and need help. I know I sound selfish but I do want time to enjoy with my grandchildren. There’s no solution.

Wow ladies what can I say . I’m blown away by your understanding, insight and caring . Your messages alone have made all the difference to me . To hear from people who GET it is so helpful l I’ve taken a lot from your words. Firstly, I’m going to go easier on myself and try to ease up on the guilt. You are right that it’s up to mum to do something about this herself. She is physically fit and able but I think you are right that she has got in the habit since dad died of just sitting there passively . I also hadn’t thought that maybe that isn’t helping her mental capacity! I think because of what I went through with dad and his dementia I just see the worst and think “ here we go again .” I read and did all I could when dad had dementia but literally found no support until he had a seizure and they decided to keep him in for an assessment as I made them see how much we were struggling. He caught pneumonia whilst there and died.
So I got mum talking yesterday and decided to use humour , teasing her that I knew she she was making excuses and telling porkies about why she didn’t go to the clubs. I also got her to sit at the table and help the grandkids with play dough while I cooked. You’ll never guess what ! Today at work my phone pinged …. With a photo of a Christmas decoration she’d made at craft club ! She said she went and loved it and has booked to go to a lunch with them .I’m amazed . Maybe she sensed a difference in me after all your advice , maybe it’s a miracle . I’m not sure but I’m over the moon . I mean she might revert back but at least I know she can do it ! Thankyou x

I feel your pain. My MiL is 86 and has had several TIAs that have stopped her driving and possibly affected her short term memory. Physically she is quite healthy, though walking any distance makes her breathless. She lives about 20 mins away and really does think the world revolves around her. She always repeated things, my children used to joke with her about it when they were younger. Now her short term memory is awful and has been for years. She won't use a calendar preferring to put things in her diary. Alas she doesn't do this properly getting info and dates wrong then arguing about it. She becomes fixated on things - oil, her neighbour's fence, Christmas atm. She will phone many, many times in the same evening, about the same thing then argue that she knows and hasn't rang before. Recently she has started to make things up to suit her narrative e.g. she wanted my adult daughter to go through her wardrobe with her. The day my daughter offered she decided no and has since said she was ill which she wasn't. She keeps asking to go to M&S yet anytime we offer to take her ( when we are free and not working) she says no but then goes on and on about wanting to go. The repetition is unbearable, within an hour's visit its the same thing about 10 times. I know she has problem but everything we do to try and help is ignored or disregarded.
I feel any good karma I've built up in my life is rapidly going as she drives me nuts. We do her shopping, take her to hair appointments and medical appointments where she is rude and impatient. My DH's brother lives in another country and she was quite rude about him not visiting so he said he'd book flights and visit before Christmas. The weekend he has arranged around his full-time job, his wife's full-time job and his 3 children didn't suit as she'd an acquaintance's lunch on the Saturday! He's coming anyway and dropping her off at the lunch and picking her up after. My own parents are 80 and 85, live about 1hr away they are needing more help but not demanding and so far have their wits about them but are failing physically.
Like others have said my DH father who helped create this woman's entitlement made him promise to look after her!

I think you are doing so well. Your mum is very lucky to have you around so much. She spends 3 days a week with you or at your home - so she is getting out and having company. Does she have any friends she meets up with maybe just for coffee and a chat. There maybe some local groups around she can go to - you might need to go with her to start with. Check your local community centre. If she likes reading there are often book clubs at libraries. It might just be that at 81 she is happier at home.

get in touch with age uk for her area and see if they can help

Can I just add I’m a companion to the elderly and honestly what I’ve found is they don’t want suggestions of where to go and what to do they just want there families attention. This plays so hard on family members it really is a juggling act the ladies I sit with have daughters who have busy working lives but the mothers say they understand but they don’t. It’s also not fear of loneliness it’s fear of being forgotten. I’m aware that what ever the daughters do it’s never enough. Honestly don’t beat yourself up, they have to learn gratitude for having family members in there life’s cos there’s a lot that don’t.

Ikiesgranma you don't owe your mother anything.
I'm so sorry to hear of your illness, you're quite right to put yourself and your own family first.
Best wishes xx

I live 100 miles away from my 94 year old dad who I’m sure is lonely and unhappy. He won’t join the local seniors group and is only happy when I’m there.

SueEH my Dad (92) used to live 160 miles from us, we couldn't go very often so he moved to a retirement apartment in our town. That was five years ago and he says he is very happy living here.
Would it be possible for your dad to move nearer you if he has no social life where he is?

My mother has relied on me for the majority of my life.she has always called me her rock. Unfortunately she was never my rock. She bullied and hit me until I was 18 when I told her that the next time she hit me I’d hit her back. The hitting stopped but not the bullying. She developed dementia about three years ago and went into a care home about 18 months ago. I had been diagnosed with a rare and very aggressive cancer in 2021. She is constantly asking me to take her out, which I did until I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer and have months rather than years left. The chemo has left me with neuropathy in my hands, feet and tongue so I struggle with walking (I use a scooter when I’m out) she has very poor balance and can only walk a few yards. She expects me to take her shopping and push her in a wheelchair. I’ve now started putting myself and my husband, children and grandchildren first. She was 90 last week and I did an afternoon tea and the whole family came to see her. Naively I hoped she would turn into a nice old lady but she is as rude and judgemental as ever.

Can you give her a project ( only you can judge if she can do it)
Make out she is needed,i.e.” Mum could you take the stains out of this laundry or Mum could you do this mending for me etc.
That way she would feel needed or did she have a hobby she used to enjoy ? You could ask her to knit a scarf for one of the grandchildren,hopefully.I know an old gentleman who was given an adult crayon book and he sits all day crayoning.
You actually sound like you are so thoughtful and kind,but you must look after yourself as well.
Does she have any friends still around she could phone instead of going out if she is nervous.I think there are people who visit shut ins.Near us there is a Day Care for adults to give families relief,I hope this helps,good luck 💐

Sending you a big hug. You are doing your best🌺

Dear Nannie, you don't cope with the feeling of guilt - you get rid of it. Hard I know, but you have nothing, absolutely nothing, to feel guilty about.

Your mother visits you three times a week although how you find the time to have her so often when you work full-time and have grandchildren staying at weekends I do not know!

Your mother is fit, but has memory loss. Yes, this could be a sign of dementia, and only a doctor can tell you and your mum if it is, but it could simply be due to the fact that your mother is not using either her memory or her brain very much these days!

From your post, your mother has basically stayed at home as much as possible, apart from visiting you, since your father died. So mental stimulus is hardly an everyday occurence is it, for her?

What does she do when she is in your house`? Try to get her to help the kids with their homework, do your washing up or ironing or discuss the war in Ukraine. Anything to get her participating more fully in the world around her.

Tell her you worry about her. Don't mention "depressed" say rather that you feel she has too few outside interests and is sitting alone or at your place too much.

What interests or hobbies did she formerly have and why has she stopped ?

Forget for a minute that she is your mother. What would you tell your grandchildren or your son if they were behaving like this? Think about it, then tone it down a little before saying it to your mother.

If she really is depressed or has an incipient form of dementia, now is the time to try to do something about it, because you neither can nor should take on any more than you already are doing.

Try to discuss your worries openly with your mother - she may be worrying too, but not saying anything in order not to worry you. This never works well. However, unpleasant the truth may be and hopefully it will not be unpleasant, shake it firmly out of the bag and look at the beastie, so you know, both of you, what you are dealing with.

You are not alone!
I know she is your mum, but you you also sound very much like her ‘carer’ now. Carers of family and friends do a vital job but sometimes end up making themselves ill with it all and I can see you are spread pretty thin. Have you thought about asking social services where your mother lives for a Carer Assessment’ - not guaranteed to be helpful but you are entitled to ask for an assessment and they may be able to come up with other tips or ideas for her. There may also be a Carer’s Centre near you where you could get ideas/share these challenges with like minded people. We often discount our own needs in these situations, but to sustain this role takes caring for you too.

There is, as always, some excellent advice on here from GN posters who have 'walked the walk', which I haven't - both my parents died quite young. However, I do want to say, please don't feel guilt or responsibility. You are a caring daughter as evidenced by your attempts to help your Mother, and you are concerned enough to ask others opinions. Mostly we do all feel responsible for our parent's happiness, particularly only children it seems, but we can't fix everything. You have work responsibilities and are doing what you can to cheer your Mother when she visits you.

I cannot reiterate how important it is to get a diagnoses whether it is Dementia, cancer or whatever, you are living with. It is not until you have that diagnoses that you can get the right support. Needs assessment. Attendance Allowance, hospital discharge assistance, and for the carer an annual health check, a carers assessment, a bi-annual grant, a be-friending sitting service, an Admiral Nurse's one to one support, or support from Dementia UK helpline, the list is endless. It also allows you to get your paperwork in order POA, wills, just in case bag, This is me, What if, living will, escalation health plan and again the list is endless. You only need to look at the Alzheimer's Society website or Dementia UK even Carers UK to see all the thing you should put in place and then benefit from as your loved one deteriorate. Memory Cafe are the place to go, everyone's in the same situation and no one judges each other regardless of their behaviour. The volunteers are well trained. your mother can get a be-friender or Social prescriber to go with her if you can go with your mum. Training and Carers peer support groups for you where you can offload and learn all you need to learn properly rather than relying on scant information from Social Services who are so very under staffed. You will have a council led Carers group too, if not sure ask your LA. You get a Carers ID card which allows you free entrance to most places when accompanied by your loved one. Blue Badge and so on if eligible.
Your mother is frightened, she realises she cannot make head or tail of her life now, no wonder she is depressed, Dementia is very frightening, even suspecting it is frightening more so than knowing you have it, but can lead a good life with it and knowing there is loads of help out there, you only need to know where to go. Read, read and read some more. I support 90 carers in my area and am a committee member of the Memory cafe as well, have been for 13 years. We help so many people to live a manageable life. Your mother deserves that too. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation, Dementia is a challenging illness for sure, but with the right help it can be managed at home really well for a long time possibly to the very end.. good luck.

Try Prama Life or similar charities which have befriending or sitting services. They were very good when my husband came out of hospital.