Can I get this off my chest

I really feel for you, but don’t know what to suggest to ease your situation. Didn’t want to just scroll by. I’m sure that there will be some gns who will be more helpful. Hopefully, writing your post has been useful to you. Sending 💐

Nannie4 - This is the right place to get things off your chest. I am a few years younger than your Mum, but I know I tend to forget things. My neighbour who is younger than me , also tends to forget names etc…. it’s a sign of getting old, I guess. Once you go to a Doctor, you will come out with a worrying diagnosis. I hope she gets out of this rut - it’s so easy to just stay at home. Today, my daughter is taking me to a show. Very sweet of her, but honestly, I’d rather stay at home, but I haven’t told her that. Here are some for you and your mum.

You’re doing your best, but she still feels lonely and depressed.
Try and find out why she won’t go to any clubs, is she a bit deaf, can’t get there easily or worries about people not taking to her if she joins.Also try and get another GP visit about the memory loss.Talk to your Mum honestly about this and get her to open up to you.She’s the same age as my Mum, who doesn’t have those problems but if she did then open and honest dialogue is the way to go.
Would she be happier in a retirement flat for instance, with people her own age all around?

Would phone calls from Silverline help?

TBH I can understand why anyone would be reluctant to get a diagnosis of a horrible disease with no cure. And in the case of the ‘slowing down’ medications, well, in the case of my mother, all they achieved (as far as we could tell) was to bring back the ‘nasty’ stage that we thought had passed.

There’s absolutely no denying that an official diagnosis can be very useful, though - medication aside - if you need to involve social services, or e.g. when applying for attendance allowance.

What I often saw recommended when we were going through it all, was an ‘older person’ check up at the GP - no mention of dementia or memory loss!! where you can accompany the person but sit slightly behind them, so that when the GP asks carefully selected questions and the person gives what you know is absolutely an untrue answer (E.g, ‘Oh, yes, I can still manage all my own housework, shopping and cooking’)* you can shake your head without being seen.

Of course this means arranging with the GP for this sort of appt. in advance. While they won’t discuss the person with you, I’ve heard of some who will cooperate in this way.

I have to say that my own mother - never the most sociable type anyway - developed what was frankly an aversion to going out at all. If I tried to get her out, half a mile down the road she’d get in a tizz about doors, windows, gas etc. (even though we’d checked everything together) and I’d have to take her back.
All she really wanted was to stay at home with the TV on all day.

I do so feel for you - it’s a vile disease and often so very hard to cope with.
*Even when she could no longer even make herself a cup of tea, my mother still thought there was nothing wrong with her - and it wasn’t ‘denial’ - she simply could never remember that she’d been unable to do these things for ages.

I guess being the new girl when you join a club can be a bit scary. Does she have any friends or neighbours who would go with her?

With the best will in the world you can't fix everything if your mum herself makes no effort to change her life.
You sound as if you have enough on your plate with a full time job and grandchildren. Why does your mum come to your house 3 days a week ?
As you say your mum is still physically fit and really if she wants a more forfilling life she has to do something about it you can help her but not if she won't engage.

I am in a similar position, and have the same feelings of guilt. You sound much more sympathetic than me, my mother has not left the house for 5 years and phones constantly wanting me to visit, I used to see her everyday for a couple of hours but she complained it was not long enough. As she was going to complain anyway my visits are now only once a week for a couple of hours.

Your mother may well be depressed and have dementia but having it confirmed will not make any difference to her condition.

Work on your own feelings of guilt, your mother is able but not willing to mix with other people, there is nothing else you can do for her. If you see her less it may force her into finding activities for herself.

I think a casual GP visit might help. DD1’s FinL has now been diagnosed with dementia, but (hand on heart) a few doses of his new meds have worked wonders. When he fell, he lay on the floor 8 hours, not remembering his alarm bracelet or Alexa. Now, he’s ringing people from his Alexa and adding stuff via it to his shopping list for his new carers.
Does your Mum get AA? Perhaps that could pay for a carer to take some pressure off you? However, if she comes to you 3 days a week (I’m confused here - if you work, does she sit in the empty house - or is this weekends) does she pitch in and help, or just sit around expecting to be waited on.
I’m sure you don’t want to feel you’re somehow failing her, but I’d agree about setting some rules and reducing contact a little. It sounds as if she has the opportunity to do things, but just doesn’t want to. Her choice?
Unfortunately, as I posted on a different thread, this is a difficult time of year for a lot of people - poor weather and dark nights.
However, you have your hands full, so don’t forget to look after yourself.

I used to take my Mum to a dementia group and she loved it. They used to sing, chat, have coffee and cake, do puzzles if they wanted. You had to stay in the building with your caree but it gave me a chance to chat to other people in similar situations. Mum always was outgoing and sociable though.

Thankyou so much for all your comments. I can’t tell you how much better I feel just reading your replies . I feel less alone .
I think you’ve all given me a lot of valid points to think about and given me a fresh perspective.
Mum came round today and we talked about why she isn’t trying the groups . I think she’s got in a rut and is a little nervous . She has promised she’ll try tomorrow. If not my daughter has a Monday off in a few weeks and is going to go with her . I’m hoping that for now this will be a positive small step .
I think caring for our parents is such a difficult journey that no one prepares you for . My dad in a moment of clarity before he died asked me to look after my mum when he’d gone . I think that really ties in to the responsibility and guilt I feel . Once again thank you x

I glad this has helped you OP but from my point of view I hate leaving the house. I will happily order on line. DH always wants to be somewhere else than he is which makes it worse for me. I don’t even want to go into the garden- partly it looks such a mess. Before DH retired I had a beautiful garden but he has dug up practically everything I’ve planted or moved groupings to unsuitable places where treasured plants have died. Could there be something in that your mother doesn’t like what er world has become? Being a newbie in a group is difficult as the groups I’ve gone to for years have changed the dynamic and the talk and atmosphere is different . You have a lot to deal with ,tell her what is happening to you as some older people can only see their own little world.

Thank you so much . That’s a really useful insight ! X

Oh Nannie4 I really feel for you. I’m a fixer too, and I’m just beginning to realise it’s impossible, not everything can be fixed. My mum is 92, currently in hospital refusing to go into a care home. I’m distraught with it all we’re having a meeting today. What will be will be now, I just keep telling myself I’ve tried my best.
As Theexwife said you have to work on yourself, you can’t be everything. Your mum has to be responsible for her own happiness whatever that might be. I would also see her less, fill some of your time doing other things that make you happy. It could be a long slog.
Maybe she could do with a higher dose of antidepressants. Although I know Drs aren’t keen on them for older people, my mum had hers discontinued some years ago which in hindsight was a big mistake. Good luck.

I am in the same position as you.It is so hard with the same added guilt that my dad asked me to look after mum.

We live 60 miles away which makes it more difficult.

I visit once a fortnight, more if circumstances allow.In between times she has a career/cleaner who spends Tuesday mornings with her and will take her shopping and to appointments.On a Wednesday a gardener/handyman spends the morning with her.Thursday is hairdresser.Also she has a weekly phone call from a telephone befriending service.On a Sunday if she is willing to go a lady in the village picks her up for church.She also has the hairdresser visit.My brothers occasionally visit.

On paper it looks great but everything other than seeing us is done unwillingly.She wants my dad back, to be driving again and for the grandchildren to be younger and visiting her more.

My mums situation makes me so sad.

For your own health you need to try and get some help in place.It sounds easy and I know it’s not.

I had a health crisis of my own which is what pushed me to try and change things.Please look after yourself Nannie💐

Ive suffered from depression on and off all my life, as my mother did before me. You can try all kinds of treatment - CBT, anti depressents, counselling, group chat and supportive friends. In the end you yourself have to make up your mind to get up off your ass and make an effort. To one else can make you do it.

That’s very true BL.

biglouis

Ive suffered from depression on and off all my life, as my mother did before me. You can try all kinds of treatment - CBT, anti depressents, counselling, group chat and supportive friends. In the end you yourself have to make up your mind to get up off your ass and make an effort. To one else can make you do it.

That's the nub of it.

It's getting to that stage and realising that the world will carry on regardless that in the end makes you realise that only you can change things, other people can only point you in the right direction.

I went through an awful period of depression many, many years ago, and ultimately realised that I had to do something. Once you make that initial effort, things start to improve.

It's getting to that point that's the problem.

My mum is 92, currently in hospital refusing to go into a care home. I’m distraught with it all we’re having a meeting today.

Katyj my Mum was in hospital after a fall and refusing to agree to carers coming to help Dad look after her at home. Dad went along with her even though he'd been exhausted before her admission (she had Alzheimer's).

The hospital refused to discharge her as their situation wouldn't have been safe.
The social worker told me that as I had power of attorney I could overrule them.
Eventually Mum and Dad grudgingly agreed, and were more than happy with the support Mum received.

I hope your meeting goes well and your mum can be persuaded that all you want is the best place for her situation as it is now.
Older people often don't like to admit that they're not as capable as they used to be, and need a new type of safer living environment now.

Witzend
Many sufferers with dementia get very very confused with the change in different ground/ floor surfaces.
My friend, who in her working life was a trainer/ advisor to care homes with dementia residents.
This is one of the reasons they get very confused when going out.
I have leant so much from her.

Thank you V3ra. It is so difficult. I don’t have POA so it has to be a joint decision between the SW a nurse and me. A decision will be made today which is a good thing. I think they’ll probably agree to a temporary placement.

I am well over 80, my dh died just before covid was announced, I have mentioned this before in previous posts..

I was fortunate in that I joined the local church a few years back, so now have a small group of people, yes, women, in my age group and some of us go out and about as and when we can.

so yes, I recommend your local church, or group of any sort..
as for this "dementia" we are mostly all scared of that diagnosis, but I know of several people, in their 50`s also forget names and words etc.. I sometimes think , perhaps?? too much is being made of it... yes, of course, we have to be award, but the fear of it...

Thank you for your post. It made me realize I may be like your mother. My daughter has 3 daughters all going to college living away from home, but they are pretty "needy" for her. I live alone and work full time from home and my "social life" is her. I think I may crowd her a bit. Your post opened my eyes to that. Thank you - and know your post had meaning. My daughter will appreciate your opening my eyes.

I am so sorry your Mum is suffering so much. I am 83 and live alone. I have a dog which helps and I manage to keep busy. I suffer short term memory loss but it's not too much of a problem yet. Sorry I have no advice for you.