How to talk to muddled husband

In fairness to the home, Witzend, there isn't a diagnosis of dementia. I think it is quite difficult for third party carers sometimes because they don't know what the baseline was for a person before they arrived on the scene. That's why I think it is so important for loved ones to be able to explain where the difference lies. For example, in Mum's last home, they would say she wasn't that bad because she would answer their questions about what she wanted to eat, etc. She never initiated a conversation and so they were quite clueless about how confused she was. They thought it was wonderful she recognised me whenever I visited. In reality, more often than not she thought I was her mother and it was only in conversation I realised that. She was very muddled but didn't like to say to the staff so she would just go silent on them. She would read continuously and they would wax lyrical about how wonderful it was. She was actually reading the same page over and over again for the most part but would later tell you things which, as we knew her so well, made us realise that she thought she was living the page on the book! Thankfully the new home understand Dementia well and I no longer have to fight my Mum's corner in the same way.

I agree go with the flow of the coversation. If he asks can we go, say ooh yes, now where shall we go ? And then talk about places you used to enjoy going and what you used to do there. He will be far more relaxed reliving memories than trying to keep track of the here and now

If there’s dementia, telling the truth can be positively cruel.

We first learned about ‘love lies’ as they’re known, when FiL (staying with us one Christmas) suddenly asked where MiL (dead 10 years) was.
At first we explained very gently that she’d died years ago. He was terribly upset and cried - only to forget and ask again 20 minutes later.

So we started saying e.g, that she’d gone to the shops, or to visit Auntie So-and-So - and he’d be quite happy.

IMO people who insist that you should tell the truth to people with dementia (I have been told this by a so-called professional) are simply clueless.

My mother became like your husband gradually as time went by. Vascular Dementia. We managed to keep her at home but rather than try to get her to speak we read to her or sang along together with the songs she used to enjoy. She was free to speak when her poor old mind and body allowed her to. Precious days and memories.

We also kept the conversation ‘in his world’ when we visited my father who also had vascular dementia. He would constantly ask when he was going home and we would assure him ‘when you are better’ even though the home was long gone. Worst was when he asked when Mum would visit. We would say she was in hospital and would come when she was well enough. We never did tell him she had died. He would have been so distressed but wouldn’t remember when we next visited.

Deepest sympathy for you and very good advice above, I really hope it helps you and your DH.

Notjustaprettyface, I don't agree with the manager if your husband has dementia. However, if there is a diagnosis, the manager wouldn't be asking you to do that.
Please do have that chat to ask for assessment for dementia so that everybody knows what path they should be treading. Also, the earlier the medication given, the slower the descent if it is dementia. For the time being, I would delay telling your husband that he can't walk.

I had the same problem with my Mum who truly believed we were stopping her from walking when she came out of hospital. I just told her that her long hospital stay had compromised her muscles but she'd probably get there eventually. The home were really good and allowed her try to stand when she hated the hoist and eventually she came to the decision that she couldn't actually walk. Occasionally she will get angry when she thinks we are stopping her from walking but she soon settles down.
At the end of the day, it is you who decides what your husband is told. The home may be his carers but they are working for you and your husband. Whilst I wouldn't walk in shouting they must do as they are told, it does give me the courage to say apologetically that I don't agree and would they hold fire for now.

Where I live anyone can self refer for physio. Might be worth enquiring .

Thank you everyone again for your kind thoughts and helpful advice
I am going to be talking to one of the managers but I don’t find them very approachable
The manager in question wants me to be honest with him so she wants me to tell him that he won’t be able to walk any more
I don’t agree with her approach , I think it is better to say a white lie and say we are waiting for the physio to come
Talking of which , do you think I should organise a physio assessment privately ?

I looked after my mum when she had dementia but eventually it became too much and she went into a home. She would ask me when she was going home (her house had been sold to pay for her care) and I would ask her if the doctor had said she could go home.
She would look a bit puzzled so I would say 'have you got your key?'. She would spend a long time rummaging through her bag and purse until she found it and I would say 'that's ok then, you will be able to get in'.

"I was even hoping that with more physio and general rehab , may be he would be able to come back home even if it meant having carers 4 times a day but now I don’t see any solution really"

Op,
There is still a big sense of denial in tjis post.

Please look for professional support

Why not just provide company when your husband, no need to speak?

There’s some great advice on . My late fil had dementia and we were told to live in his world and go along with him and not correct him . When he went into a home , it was an old house with wood panelling . He thought he was in s hotel he’d been to years ago . When he asked questions like where was his late wife , we’d tell him she was upstairs getting ready . And if he asked to go home, we’d say he still had a few days left of his holiday .
We would try and distract him with stories of the past or discussing his beloved Chelsea

Some wonderful advice here. I went through this with my mother. One other piece of advice I found invaluable is to join the ALzheimer's Society online forum. Reading others' experiences in precisely the same situation was an almost daily means of support, jnformation and advice. Everywhere else just wanted to give me a handful of leaflets.

Oh I’m finding this very useful. I’m going through this with my mum at the moment.
She caught me off guard last week saying someone had told her my dad had died and please tell her it wasn’t true. I carefully said he’d died 14 years ago. She said she didn’t know, then went on to ask where he was, when I explained about the cemetery she seemed to remember, no dementia diagnosis. She hasn’t asked since. But it sounds a good idea to have some answers up your sleeve ready. I certainly wasn’t that day.

M0nica

Live in their world, regardless of how off beam it is.

When my aunt and uncle went into care (I was their carer) my uncle was constantly worrying that he had an appointment with his bank manager. After a few weeks of this I finally turned to him and said; 'Oh, its all right, I have spoken to the bank manager and he says just make a new appointment when you are ready' - and he never mentioned the bank manager again.

Learn to talk mindlessly about trivia, taking a steer from them, but never correct them and never ask questions.

Similarly, my mother had an obsession lasting many weeks, that her younger sister (still alive) had ‘stolen’ their mother’s house. (And had got away with the loot from selling it.)

Any sort of distraction with e.g. ‘a nice cup of tea’ was useless, and TBH I got a bit fed up with anyone suggesting it - it was like an angry bee buzzing in her head.

Once it finally dawned on me that even a signed and sealed declaration from the Lord Chancellor wouldn’t convince her, I started saying e.g., ‘Dear me, that’s terrible - I had no idea! I’ll get on to the police/a solicitor first thing tomorrow.’

That would always pacify her for the moment - until that wretched bee started buzzing again….

Zero short-term memory can be a blessing when it comes to such things.

Perfect advice from everyone really.
Has he had a physio review as they may not think it is now appropriate as a rehabilitation programme for him. It is always helpful to move as much as is possible though. Good luck these are difficult times for you.

What I found with my mom who had dementia the past is her now. So talk about the past as that's real to them . Mom didn't understand what was happening to her no matter how I tried to explain. My mom died long before her body did and I grieved for me mom while she was alive. She lived with me for the last 18 months of her life she had cancer as well. I looked after her on my own because I couldn't put her into a home. She thought I was her mom so talking about her childhood was real to her . Also I surrounded her with family photos .

Your husband being in a home must be confusing . But when my son in laws great uncle was in a home as he has Alzheimer's he thought it was a hotel so everyone played alone and it made him content . He did refuse to shower but my son in laws dad had showered in old spice and he recognised the smell so they got him old spice shower gel and aftershave and he was no trouble to shower. It was a smell from when he was younger. Music from the past as well as smells are real to dementia and Alzheimer's patients. And it helps them .

Unfortunately my mom became violent the last 4 months but it was out of fear she didn't know who she was, where she was or who I was . Thought I was her mom. Even after attacking me she would say I love you mom and I would tell her I loved her.

The Wednesday before she died she said can with have a cuddle and I want to sing to you the songs dad taught me. She sang for a hour then was tired. She attacked me when she woke but I cherish her singing.

This may sound awful but when my mom died and her body lived on I hoped every morning she had died in her sleep. My mom would of hated what she became. But I am proud of the fact my mom didn't have a sore on her body I made sure of that.

The worst part for me was when she looked at their wedding photo and asked who the man was . But on the day she started to die she woke after a 5 hour sleep and shouted out my dad's name and went back to sleep. The GP prescribed end of life drugs in case mom was in pain. Even though she had cancer she never said she was in pain until 5.30 pm on the Friday she started to die . The district nurse came straight out and gave her a morphine injection. Mom went to sleep. I couldn't stay with her like I did with my husband but went in every 10 mins and told her to stop fighting and dad was waiting for her . She died between 12.10 and 12.20 am on the Saturday.

This is my own experience. But others my agree the past is their now and it's upsetting for them to try and remember the now. So it would probably help you husband to talk about the past as now.

No idea if this makes sense but it's my personal experience. Everyone's experience is different. But it's not easy watching the person you love die before your eyes. Their body lives but who they are fades away.

My aunt wanted to go home but was always settled with "oooh, it's a bit cold at home I need to put the heating on" or "yes, after lunch" or "Let's have some tea while we wait for the taxi" or whatever.

She eventually said I think I'll go home "in the spring" or "for Christmas", or "when the weather turns". I'm another who thinks it's kindest to go along with people who are ill like this - but it is hard on those of us who love them. ...

My aunt kept wondering where her father was until I learned to say he was working or "out with uncle Charlie" or similar.
I'm so sorry you are in this position.

Just one more idea. When I was nursing and a confused elderly person came in the geriatricians would review their medications. Sometimes elderly people are left on drugs they no longer need a these can be the cause of the problem. Also make sure he gets enough fluids. Dehydration can also cause confusion.

Thats a tough one talking to him in general about whats been happening local news post shopping birthday nothing that he has to think about would be my suggestion but definately get a diagnosis and if in the case scenario get your ducks in a row and have a conversation with a community occupational therapist via your gp to see what he is capable of with regards to any independance and help or eqiupment that would help you bothfinally power of attorney and his wishes should he unfortunately pass away i know this sounds a lot but being practical before hand can really help in the moment its not morbid it sensible and you could probably get a sitting service too good luck x

Definitely diversions needed.
Always take in something to do or look at together or to eat together. Sweets, baking, favourite thing?

Photos, albums, magazines, newspapers. Plant catalogues or clothes brochures- anything really!!

I pads are great if you have one. Can play games together on the iPad like solitaire or simple jigsaws or crosswords. Or could you FaceTime a relative - even just to say hello together?
I find iPad utube great for looking up favourite songs/ holiday places/ videos of special interests- watch together.

Talk about the weather or what you’ve been doing. Asking Q’s not good as they don’t know or can’t remember, and then they start asking things you can’t or don’t want to answer!

Chat to their neighbours - if in a lounge- and learn their names and try and involve them in general chat- helps settle everyone.

Music that your dh might recall from earlier years might help, or photos which you can look at together.
Assume that he had been checked for urine infection which can cause memory problems.
Perhaps you need to talk to the staff about your worries, they may be able to put your mind at rest
.

When my Nan saw a little girl hiding under the chair I had a ‘conversation’ with the little girl and then told Nan she’d gone home for her tea….she didn’t say any more about her

Live in their world, regardless of how off beam it is.

When my aunt and uncle went into care (I was their carer) my uncle was constantly worrying that he had an appointment with his bank manager. After a few weeks of this I finally turned to him and said; 'Oh, its all right, I have spoken to the bank manager and he says just make a new appointment when you are ready' - and he never mentioned the bank manager again.

Learn to talk mindlessly about trivia, taking a steer from them, but never correct them and never ask questions.

I found agreeing and distraction were the best things especially if the conversation got monotonous eg “I want to go home”. Favourite music was also a great distraction.