How to talk to muddled husband

When my stepfather was first in a care home and then diagnosed with vascular dementia we were told to try to converse in his world as opposed to correcting and reminding him that he was not coming home and just go along with his conversation. 🌼

Thanks grannygeavy13
I try and do that sometimes but he becomes quite impatient and insistent so then I don’t know what to do ?

Notjustaprettyface
Not only go into his world but you have to practice diversion.
When he says when can we go say, shall we have a nice cup of tea and a biscuit
If there’s something going on in the lounge, say something, anything about that.
Mention other residents in the lounge.
It will feel odd to you at first but it’s surprising how quickly you learn to divert.

Would it help to talk about the past sometimes dementia suffers can remember things further back When I used to visit mum every day I never knew whether shed live me or hate me
Photos are a great help can you take a photo album with you and talk over good times it might ring some bells with him
Play some very very simple games like jenga or snap
I answer the ‘when can we go’ with ‘next time hopefully’ or something vague he will have forgotten by next time
Did he have any hobbies… gardening, cars or whatever any picture books with his subject in might take the pressure of just sitting not knowing what to say
Hope ideas these help

Lots of helpful advice here. At one time I specialised in dementia care and one thing I would add is to try not to phrase things as a question. Rather than saying do you remember say I remember when and go on to talk about an enjoyable time you had together. Talking about enjoyable times can be a good way of diverting and improving their mood if a person is becoming agitated or cross.

And may I add never challenge if they say the door is white and you know it’s cream agree that it’s white …does it matter !

I'm sorry to hear this, Notjustaprettyface and he does need a diagnosis asap.

However , they bring him into the lounge area and we try to have a conversation but all he says is : shall we go ? When can we go?

Just chat and say things like "Soon, but let's have a cup of tea first" etc. Then change the subject.

Thank you very much everybody for your kind comments and practical advice
I will put them to use starting from tomorrow

Just thought of another thing if you go with the dread of ‘what will we ever talk about’ do a bit of homework before you go and have a few ideas jotted down for you like a crib sheet so when there’s a dreaded silence you ve got an idea of where to take it

Assuming there’s dementia involved, is there somewhere you think he might like to go, if you mentioned it? If so, maybe say how about that? - but not today, because (insert any plausible sounding excuse) but maybe we could go tomorrow?

I used this tactic with my mother, when she was going through a phase of wanting to go and see her parents (dead 30 odd and 50 odd years). We couldn’t go today, because my car was in for a service/the roads were very icy/closed because of a bad accident, etc., ‘But maybe we could go tomorrow?’

That always kept her reasonably happy, and with zero short term memory I could ‘recycle’ as needed.

I always go along with people who are confused, so much kinder. To tell them the truth, in my view is so hurtful and upsetting for them. Its impossible for them to understand, its so sad.
🙂

When a friend was diagnosed with dementia, I was told to just agree with her - even if both her sons had the same name and not to try and correct her.
Any talk of going home (already there) or seeing her parents was to be kindly deflected by saying ‘maybe tomorrow’ then offering a cup of tea and changing the subject. She loved music and dancing, so we’d often have a bop around her kitchen.

I found agreeing and distraction were the best things especially if the conversation got monotonous eg “I want to go home”. Favourite music was also a great distraction.

Live in their world, regardless of how off beam it is.

When my aunt and uncle went into care (I was their carer) my uncle was constantly worrying that he had an appointment with his bank manager. After a few weeks of this I finally turned to him and said; 'Oh, its all right, I have spoken to the bank manager and he says just make a new appointment when you are ready' - and he never mentioned the bank manager again.

Learn to talk mindlessly about trivia, taking a steer from them, but never correct them and never ask questions.

When my Nan saw a little girl hiding under the chair I had a ‘conversation’ with the little girl and then told Nan she’d gone home for her tea….she didn’t say any more about her

Music that your dh might recall from earlier years might help, or photos which you can look at together.
Assume that he had been checked for urine infection which can cause memory problems.
Perhaps you need to talk to the staff about your worries, they may be able to put your mind at rest
.

Definitely diversions needed.
Always take in something to do or look at together or to eat together. Sweets, baking, favourite thing?

Photos, albums, magazines, newspapers. Plant catalogues or clothes brochures- anything really!!

I pads are great if you have one. Can play games together on the iPad like solitaire or simple jigsaws or crosswords. Or could you FaceTime a relative - even just to say hello together?
I find iPad utube great for looking up favourite songs/ holiday places/ videos of special interests- watch together.

Talk about the weather or what you’ve been doing. Asking Q’s not good as they don’t know or can’t remember, and then they start asking things you can’t or don’t want to answer!

Chat to their neighbours - if in a lounge- and learn their names and try and involve them in general chat- helps settle everyone.

Thats a tough one talking to him in general about whats been happening local news post shopping birthday nothing that he has to think about would be my suggestion but definately get a diagnosis and if in the case scenario get your ducks in a row and have a conversation with a community occupational therapist via your gp to see what he is capable of with regards to any independance and help or eqiupment that would help you bothfinally power of attorney and his wishes should he unfortunately pass away i know this sounds a lot but being practical before hand can really help in the moment its not morbid it sensible and you could probably get a sitting service too good luck x

Just one more idea. When I was nursing and a confused elderly person came in the geriatricians would review their medications. Sometimes elderly people are left on drugs they no longer need a these can be the cause of the problem. Also make sure he gets enough fluids. Dehydration can also cause confusion.

My aunt wanted to go home but was always settled with "oooh, it's a bit cold at home I need to put the heating on" or "yes, after lunch" or "Let's have some tea while we wait for the taxi" or whatever.

She eventually said I think I'll go home "in the spring" or "for Christmas", or "when the weather turns". I'm another who thinks it's kindest to go along with people who are ill like this - but it is hard on those of us who love them. ...

My aunt kept wondering where her father was until I learned to say he was working or "out with uncle Charlie" or similar.
I'm so sorry you are in this position.

What I found with my mom who had dementia the past is her now. So talk about the past as that's real to them . Mom didn't understand what was happening to her no matter how I tried to explain. My mom died long before her body did and I grieved for me mom while she was alive. She lived with me for the last 18 months of her life she had cancer as well. I looked after her on my own because I couldn't put her into a home. She thought I was her mom so talking about her childhood was real to her . Also I surrounded her with family photos .

Your husband being in a home must be confusing . But when my son in laws great uncle was in a home as he has Alzheimer's he thought it was a hotel so everyone played alone and it made him content . He did refuse to shower but my son in laws dad had showered in old spice and he recognised the smell so they got him old spice shower gel and aftershave and he was no trouble to shower. It was a smell from when he was younger. Music from the past as well as smells are real to dementia and Alzheimer's patients. And it helps them .

Unfortunately my mom became violent the last 4 months but it was out of fear she didn't know who she was, where she was or who I was . Thought I was her mom. Even after attacking me she would say I love you mom and I would tell her I loved her.

The Wednesday before she died she said can with have a cuddle and I want to sing to you the songs dad taught me. She sang for a hour then was tired. She attacked me when she woke but I cherish her singing.

This may sound awful but when my mom died and her body lived on I hoped every morning she had died in her sleep. My mom would of hated what she became. But I am proud of the fact my mom didn't have a sore on her body I made sure of that.

The worst part for me was when she looked at their wedding photo and asked who the man was . But on the day she started to die she woke after a 5 hour sleep and shouted out my dad's name and went back to sleep. The GP prescribed end of life drugs in case mom was in pain. Even though she had cancer she never said she was in pain until 5.30 pm on the Friday she started to die . The district nurse came straight out and gave her a morphine injection. Mom went to sleep. I couldn't stay with her like I did with my husband but went in every 10 mins and told her to stop fighting and dad was waiting for her . She died between 12.10 and 12.20 am on the Saturday.

This is my own experience. But others my agree the past is their now and it's upsetting for them to try and remember the now. So it would probably help you husband to talk about the past as now.

No idea if this makes sense but it's my personal experience. Everyone's experience is different. But it's not easy watching the person you love die before your eyes. Their body lives but who they are fades away.

Perfect advice from everyone really.
Has he had a physio review as they may not think it is now appropriate as a rehabilitation programme for him. It is always helpful to move as much as is possible though. Good luck these are difficult times for you.

M0nica

Live in their world, regardless of how off beam it is.

When my aunt and uncle went into care (I was their carer) my uncle was constantly worrying that he had an appointment with his bank manager. After a few weeks of this I finally turned to him and said; 'Oh, its all right, I have spoken to the bank manager and he says just make a new appointment when you are ready' - and he never mentioned the bank manager again.

Learn to talk mindlessly about trivia, taking a steer from them, but never correct them and never ask questions.

Similarly, my mother had an obsession lasting many weeks, that her younger sister (still alive) had ‘stolen’ their mother’s house. (And had got away with the loot from selling it.)

Any sort of distraction with e.g. ‘a nice cup of tea’ was useless, and TBH I got a bit fed up with anyone suggesting it - it was like an angry bee buzzing in her head.

Once it finally dawned on me that even a signed and sealed declaration from the Lord Chancellor wouldn’t convince her, I started saying e.g., ‘Dear me, that’s terrible - I had no idea! I’ll get on to the police/a solicitor first thing tomorrow.’

That would always pacify her for the moment - until that wretched bee started buzzing again….

Zero short-term memory can be a blessing when it comes to such things.

Oh I’m finding this very useful. I’m going through this with my mum at the moment.
She caught me off guard last week saying someone had told her my dad had died and please tell her it wasn’t true. I carefully said he’d died 14 years ago. She said she didn’t know, then went on to ask where he was, when I explained about the cemetery she seemed to remember, no dementia diagnosis. She hasn’t asked since. But it sounds a good idea to have some answers up your sleeve ready. I certainly wasn’t that day.