Unpaid carers

My mum wouldn’t have carers for a very long time, my daughter and I did everything but we were both working full time, I had POA for both health and finances and at the end had to insist she had a private carer who stayed about 10 days then Mum dismissed her! She was very unwell again, admitted into hospital, I arranged for the same lovely girl to come back the following week, but Mum sadly died, luckily at home, surrounded by her family, on the Sunday prior to the Monday that she was due to come back!

‘Sorry dad, but it’s all getting too much for us now - we’re not spring chickens any more. I know you don’t like the idea, but unless you want to have to manage everything yourself, you’re going to have to accept outside help. Plenty of people do - it’s hardly the end of the world.’

And refuse to enter into any discussion/argument. Easier said than done, I know - we’ve had a very stubborn relative to deal with (plenty of money but loathed having to part with any of it) - you will need to be tough and not let him guilt you into giving in.

Of course family help out - but the expectation by some elderly parents that you drop everything and make your life revolve around their needs, is just not on.

His comment - the begrudging acceptance that you needed to keep a doctor's appointment - seriously? Does he expect you to ignore your own health needs because his are more important?

The only way you can get him to "see sense" is by talking sensibly to him.

You can be diplomatic and kind - but you need to make him understand that he is being selfish. He cannot manipulate your life or your health problems for his own convenience (and then beg sympathy from his doctor be being "a burden"!).

I will never do this to my offspring. I didn't give birth to my son in order for him to become my carer. Of course, I will ask for help sometimes, as he sometimes does from me. It's what families do. But I will never place the burden of my care on him.

Don't allow the resentment to build up - you might say something you later regret out of sheer frustration. Have the conversation.

but OP you talk as if you are a soldier under orders.
you don't have to do any of it.
you don't need his permission to withdraw your labour.
you are in charge of your own life.
this is an unhealthy dynamic.

My husband actually had a lot of fun with his carer, he enjoyed going out without me and talking to someone else. He was always insistent that I was his wife not his carer. Could you try that tack? Not a carer but a daughter.

In his final years my father in law had 2 lovely local ladies to care for him during the day, it cost of course but the cash was found. At the end of the day it was much cheaper than a care home, he was entirely happy and just faded away at home.

It is reasonable to bob in and out to help him with tasks he cannot manage, but you and your sister cannot be there all day keeping him company.

he is getting all the benefits and has a lot of savings as well as his own home.My sister claims carers allowance for him.Even for my mum he didn't get carers for her until the very end, as he kept saying as long as i am here i will look after her, which he did.
The only time i get a rest is when i am on holiday.

Please check that your father is claiming all the benefits he can eg Attendance Allowance. In our area, the best people to help you would be AgeUk.

you need to tell all this to your GP.
if any of you could get carer's allowance, i hope it is being claimed.
he will have to arrange and accept professional careworkers, (or gardeners, cleaners, housekeepers, laundry-person etc) if you all withdraw your labour and attendance upon him.

Suggestions have been made before about saying "the doctor" told you to rest more....
Or, introducing someone that your dad will think he is doing a favour to, by finding bits and bobs for them to do...

My mum was much the same, and I know there are others who also had similar issues.

You have my complete sympathy!

It took a few disasters and a very good social worker with a lot of common sense to persuade my mum to agree to carers.

Even then, she did spend more time alone than was healthy, but it was the consequences of her own choices, sadly.