Unpaid carers

My mum was much the same, and I know there are others who also had similar issues.

You have my complete sympathy!

It took a few disasters and a very good social worker with a lot of common sense to persuade my mum to agree to carers.

Even then, she did spend more time alone than was healthy, but it was the consequences of her own choices, sadly.

Suggestions have been made before about saying "the doctor" told you to rest more....
Or, introducing someone that your dad will think he is doing a favour to, by finding bits and bobs for them to do...

you need to tell all this to your GP.
if any of you could get carer's allowance, i hope it is being claimed.
he will have to arrange and accept professional careworkers, (or gardeners, cleaners, housekeepers, laundry-person etc) if you all withdraw your labour and attendance upon him.

Please check that your father is claiming all the benefits he can eg Attendance Allowance. In our area, the best people to help you would be AgeUk.

he is getting all the benefits and has a lot of savings as well as his own home.My sister claims carers allowance for him.Even for my mum he didn't get carers for her until the very end, as he kept saying as long as i am here i will look after her, which he did.
The only time i get a rest is when i am on holiday.

It is reasonable to bob in and out to help him with tasks he cannot manage, but you and your sister cannot be there all day keeping him company.

In his final years my father in law had 2 lovely local ladies to care for him during the day, it cost of course but the cash was found. At the end of the day it was much cheaper than a care home, he was entirely happy and just faded away at home.

My husband actually had a lot of fun with his carer, he enjoyed going out without me and talking to someone else. He was always insistent that I was his wife not his carer. Could you try that tack? Not a carer but a daughter.

but OP you talk as if you are a soldier under orders.
you don't have to do any of it.
you don't need his permission to withdraw your labour.
you are in charge of your own life.
this is an unhealthy dynamic.

Of course family help out - but the expectation by some elderly parents that you drop everything and make your life revolve around their needs, is just not on.

His comment - the begrudging acceptance that you needed to keep a doctor's appointment - seriously? Does he expect you to ignore your own health needs because his are more important?

The only way you can get him to "see sense" is by talking sensibly to him.

You can be diplomatic and kind - but you need to make him understand that he is being selfish. He cannot manipulate your life or your health problems for his own convenience (and then beg sympathy from his doctor be being "a burden"!).

I will never do this to my offspring. I didn't give birth to my son in order for him to become my carer. Of course, I will ask for help sometimes, as he sometimes does from me. It's what families do. But I will never place the burden of my care on him.

Don't allow the resentment to build up - you might say something you later regret out of sheer frustration. Have the conversation.

‘Sorry dad, but it’s all getting too much for us now - we’re not spring chickens any more. I know you don’t like the idea, but unless you want to have to manage everything yourself, you’re going to have to accept outside help. Plenty of people do - it’s hardly the end of the world.’

And refuse to enter into any discussion/argument. Easier said than done, I know - we’ve had a very stubborn relative to deal with (plenty of money but loathed having to part with any of it) - you will need to be tough and not let him guilt you into giving in.

My mum wouldn’t have carers for a very long time, my daughter and I did everything but we were both working full time, I had POA for both health and finances and at the end had to insist she had a private carer who stayed about 10 days then Mum dismissed her! She was very unwell again, admitted into hospital, I arranged for the same lovely girl to come back the following week, but Mum sadly died, luckily at home, surrounded by her family, on the Sunday prior to the Monday that she was due to come back!

At least there are 3 of you to share the care but when it’s too much then your father needs to accept at least some outside care to make things easier fir you.
If he is reasonably mobile have you looked at a day care centre fir one or two days a week. They will pick up in the morning and take home after with a cooked lunch and activities.
The local volunteer Bureau may have volunteer visitors who could come for an hour or two once a week/ fortnightly etc.
As fir being an unpaid carer, I think we all are if we are looking after family.

If your sister is getting carers allowance she should be spending 35 hours a week caring for him. Is she? I say this because the burden should be totally hers, 35 hours should cover everything shouldn’t it? I know it’s a paltry amount of money but that’s a separate issue.

welbeck

you need to tell all this to your GP.
if any of you could get carer's allowance, i hope it is being claimed.
he will have to arrange and accept professional careworkers, (or gardeners, cleaners, housekeepers, laundry-person etc) if you all withdraw your labour and attendance upon him.

Carer's allowance is not means tested, it is need tested. Please be careful about how you do, there are a lot of sites who will take your money www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/how-to-claim

welbeck

but OP you talk as if you are a soldier under orders.
you don't have to do any of it.
you don't need his permission to withdraw your labour.
you are in charge of your own life.
this is an unhealthy dynamic.

This, you need to jointly pull up your big girl knickers and put your feet down.

If there are three of you, that is 2 days each, a week, with perhaps the person who gets the carers allowance (for providing 35 hours a week of care) doing 3 days.
Surely that could be a starting point, as it is reasonable and doable.

I've taken lots of your comments on board... Well done so many of you for all you do for family and neighbours. Will look at clearing out drawers and wardrobes next week. I don't need carers (yet) but would hate to be a burden to my family.

It is not always easy - my siblings and I are in this situation or very similar…
Our DM has passed away recently, but did have to have paid carers when things got too much for DF (with our help) but we couldn’t be there 24/7 and DM had dementia. It was very hard on DF and he now is becoming more dependant on us siblings - we have broached the subject of paid care, he pays a company that cook his evening meal. They will indue course provide care(For DF) and cleaning (for DF’s house) but he is loathe to pay at the moment saying ‘we’ siblings will do it but we are all over 60 and some of us have medical issues too not to mention our partners / husbands and families !
We didn’t get much help at all from places which were advertised with our DM and DF is becoming critical And anti social !
You should as we will have to do, withdraw help and continue to pop round less for shorter periods - we might visit once a week on different days but there are 4 of us.
Do what suits you and stay well and look after yourself.
Losing out DM has taught me to look after myself!
Take care xxx

NannaFirework, why does he have to pay for someone to cook his meal; can't he operate a microwave.
that seems a bit of an extravagance to me.
if he cannot operate a microwave, then surely he needs other help with daily tasks ?
of course, i know nothing about it.
i do know what a minefield it all is . . .
good luck at not getting too drawn in.

You very firmly tell him that you have your own life to lead and let him get carers.. How unbelievably selfish of him to expect this service from you both..

Attendance Allowance only paid if you receive a state pension. Carer’s Allowance otherwise which I believe is taxed but I could be wrong.

Carers allowance is only paid to those under pension age.
AA is paid to the person needing help for them to use as they wish to make life more comfortable.

Sorry you are struggling but I understand I did the same for both my parents until my DF passed during Covid but until my DM went into a care home did same for her. I’m in my late 77s gave up so much of my time to care for them and now my DH and I have more time for ourselves he’s been diagnosed with cancer. Please get some help because you need it. Your DF has to realise that you can’t be there all the time and that you are not getting any younger. Even now I’m going up n down to the Care Home to visit my DM. I guess you feel guilty but trust me don’t look after yourself as well. Take care