Moving Parents from their house into assisted living

When my mum and dad died I brought all their personal stuff to my house and sold donated or kept but that was after they had died I would do the same if they had been going into a home but obviously then with their approval

Try to only keep what you are going to use or display, there is no point if it is going to end up packed in boxes in a storage facility. Take photos of items you cannot keep but want to remember.

We recntly emptied a holiday home we had had for over 30 years. It was full of inherited furniture and things we had owned for years.

We dealt with this by using spread sheets. First we gave every member of the family a piece of paper and a pen to go round the house and list everything that they would like to have, and entered it on a spread sheet room by room. Then we went round and listed everything else in the house onto the spread sheet, room by room, then we worked our way through the spread sheet deciding what would go to charity, what to auction and what to the tip. We started the process a good six months before we had to vacate the property, so that we could take our time and when the moving date closed in, we knew exactly what was happening to everything and were able to schedule removers, auctioneers, chairty shop transport etc.

In your case, as your parents are downsizing, help them first list everything that is coming to their new home with them. Then get family around to decide what they want to take and then go round room by room making decisions about what happens to everything else.

As your parents are not moving for some months, you can do this in an unrushed manner. As it may be distressing having you walking around them deciding what to take to the tip and what to sell. Arrange for another family member to take them out for the day so that you can do your listing without them being there.

You have plenty of time to make decisions - and change them but when the moving time arrives you will know exactly where everything is going and can order up transport accordingly.

On moving day, again someone take your parents out for a day, while the house is dismantled, just have them in their new home ready to decide where to put things when everything arrives.

When my mother died I gave the great grandchildren a few keepsakes each. DSis and I took back things we had given her but we wanted. Basically the entire contents of her cottage went to the local Hospice shop and anything they wouldn’t take had to go to house clearance. She was renting so we only had a week to clear the place. Oh, we gave some unworn clothes to one of her neighbours. It is a terrible temptation to keep too much stuff but we have cleared properties for elderly relatives previously and we know that we brought stuff home only to then have to get rid of it.

So far, I have had 82 fantastic years on this earth apart from when I lost my beloved husband of 50 years, ten years ago. When he died, he took half of me with him and the half of me that is left does not care about possessions. I have a large ottoman that I keep all my memories in, cards to and from my late husband, christening cards, 21st birthday cards etc. and I have told them that I want them to ensure that it goes to one of their homes so they can have time to look through them all and peruse all the photo albums from their dad and I meeting and many photos of me, their dad and their grandparents (mine and my husband's parents). Everything else can go in black bin bags to the charity shop and my furniture can be cleared out by a house clearance company.

All they have to take out of the house is the safe, my laptop and the ottoman. They do not want my clothes, my dinner services or electrical gadgets etc etc.

When we emptied our holiday home, I was surprised just how much our children, including grandchildren did want from it.

My DDiL laid claim to a pine dresser filled with randomly collected blue and white china, My DD had several beds, a wardrobe, several chairs plus both had more mior items like pictures and books. even the DGC, laid claim to board games, a telescope, some books and a set of pictures.

A difficult time for you and a timely reminder that your parents will not always be here. They have been sensible to recognize the time is right for them to move. Their possessions are part of them and part of you so very hard to dispense with them . You sound to be a sensible person and will make this move as smooth as possible for them . This must be a very emotional period for you but they need your positivity just now. Your parents are still here with you so treasure that . I wish you well and with your support your parents will have a smooth transition into their new home. Good luck to you and your parents.

I hope it goes easier than you fear.
Thinking of you, and them. It's a big step and a new phase.

Focus on helping your parents make the move. Don't waste time and energy on what neighbours do.

Very upsetting for you but even more so for your parents especially your mum as your dad has dementia. I know I will have to move in the next year or so and look around the house I shared with my DH and wonder where on earth to start with clearing stuff. I've only recently felt able to take some of DH's belongings to the charity shop and there are still so many of his things to donate before I even start on the house, garages and sheds. All full of things we chose together. I wish you and your parents all the very best with such a huge move.

Impressive MOnica!! I think you could start a business !!

we recently had to have a new roof so meant clearing the attic am so glad we did, not fair to leave all the stuff for daughter in law to sort. Have loads on e bay now as neither son wanted their old books etc. Took mine and daughter in laws wedding dress to charity, (not sure why hers was in my attic!!) Lots of games and lego to go through this summer too.

My parents were in their 90's when my mum unexpectedly died. My dad then had to move in with us. We had to then clear their home out. Fortunately for us they were not hoarders and a lot of past memory things had already been passed to me (only child). We brought a few of their things here for my dad's rooms here to make it homely for him. The rest of the house contents were given to grandchildren/sold/passed to charity shops and some went to Freecycle. I expect your parents will be taking things with them to furnish their rooms with (unless it's furnished). The rest, if no one wants it will be passed on or sold to good homes. I agree a skip is a bit extreme. But I guess that was their choice.
Anything you are not sure off or you may think they will regret getting rid of try and keep for a while. If you have space to store there is no rush.

my OH is over 80 and I'm almost there, we still live in the house our children grew up in. I've got lots of ornaments that they bought for me over the years, and they know when the time comes, they will have them back, if they want them. I don't think they'll want the furniture, so it will probably go to charity,. It's a sad task but your parents will still be with you

I can fully understand the OP concerns, when my beloved MIL passed away it was awful having to go through all her possessions. My BIL was useless and left the job for my DH and DC’s to deal with. It left me feeling very concerned that one day my DCs will need to do the same if we need to move to a care home or worse when we die, therefore I’ve started to clear out some of the items we’ve accumulated over 40+ years of marriage so when that time comes there won’t be so much for them to do. My youngest DS would love it if he could move into our home, but think his siblings might not be too happy to lose some of their inheritance lol

One of the reasons I downsized was because I remembered sorting out all my mum's things after her death. And she had moved into a one bedroom flat so had already reduced the amount of stuff.
It must look awful when you see family reducing a neighbour's belongings to rubbish or burning them. But sadly much of what might seem valuable and perfectly serviceable to us turns out to be unwanted and has to be disposed of.
There's a lot of good advice on this thread so I will just wish you good luck and hope you can cope.

After my Mum died my Dad moved to be near us. He went from a 4-bed detached house to a 1-bed flat.
I was struggling to decide what to do with all his and Mum's stuff.
In the end we just brought what he would need by way of furniture, crockery, clothes, some framed photos, a few special ornaments, to be comfortable in his new home and left everything else.
I bought him new bedding and towels.
My aunt kindly offered to take all their clothes to the charity shop.
The new owners of his house were happy to keep the rest of the furniture as they were planning to rent the property out.
A house clearance company took everything else.

Dad actually wasn't bothered about it all, he'd been finding it increasingly hard to cope in the house on his own and was ready to move on.
He wanted some books, my brother wanted the photo albums and slides.
I just wanted Dad closer, and now he's in a home he says he feels safe in 🤗

Thank you all for the brilliant suggestions and warm thoughts. My mom informed me yesterday she is planning to get an "Estate Sales Person" in. And will assign them to manage all their "stuff" after us kids and her grands and great grands choose anything they wish to have. I thought that was a great idea. It is smart and sad, but practical. I am terribly sentimental and I think my mom knows that, everybody else in the family is not, so maybe this is her way of preventing me from dwelling on things I should not be dwelling on.

I had this sad task to do with my parents house during covid. Most charity shops were not taking things due to being closed. Eventually one came to take furniture and the 25 boxes of bric a brac etc piled up as well. There were also some specific charities that happily took items such as food and cleaning products, tools and gardening things. A sewing machine hopefully has found a new user. I made good use of the local 'freegle' site to offer items. My mother would just be happy that 'good homes' were found for things. Family heirlooms are a more difficult category.

You are so lucky Wilderness to have this sensible, kind thing thrust on you by your lovely mum.
Be ruthless with yourself now, whilst she is still alive and you have time to just love them. ❤️

Before my mother died she told me that she'd like everything that we didn't want donated to charity where possible, so furniture went to Sue Ryder and clothes, kitchenware and crockery to charity shops. It was a huge job and not easy, my sister wanted to get a clearance company in to do everything but I knew that this might be expensive and also I wanted to go through everything myself.
The most difficult things to get rid of were fridges, freezers, and sofas/chairs that were not labeled as fireproof, but the council took them away for a fee.
My husband and I did everything over a few weeks, hiring a van to move furniture and things we intended to keep.
The house was clean and empty when we had finished, other than the carpets and curtains which the buyer asked us to leave. I felt good about doing it as I knew that it was exactly what she would have wanted.

Wilderness

Thank you all for the brilliant suggestions and warm thoughts. My mom informed me yesterday she is planning to get an "Estate Sales Person" in. And will assign them to manage all their "stuff" after us kids and her grands and great grands choose anything they wish to have. I thought that was a great idea. It is smart and sad, but practical. I am terribly sentimental and I think my mom knows that, everybody else in the family is not, so maybe this is her way of preventing me from dwelling on things I should not be dwelling on.

Brilliant!

I've always been the one working out how to be rid of all the "stuff" and I find it daunting. The "Estate Sales Person" can easily dispose of that which no family member is interested in taking into their home.

People don't seem to like old china, crockery, flatware, brown furniture currently - others to work out tip/charity shop details would be good.

I am not sentimental as some of you are. When mum went into a care home I sold the house and apart from a few photos there wasn't anything of value or interest to me. I kept a pretty picture I had bought her for her 80th birthday, which was quite expensive for me and chosen because I would like it myself.

The new owners removed the gas fire in the living room and found the family bible propping up the back boiler!!! My dad would have fitted that but I would never have known.

My MIL died some years earlier and my DH insisted on bringing tons of stuff to our house. His bedroom (we have separate ones) is full of her old furniture (all cheap, laminated stuff) such that you can barely move and his adjoining study is full of ornaments of no value at all. Some are downright ugly. I had to buy cupboards to fit the stuff in and he has never even opened the doors to look at anything. Some of the ornaments he had no idea where they had come from so had no memories of them. He also brought tons of tools from a garden shed which now clutter up our already-cluttered garage. I never saw his dad use any tools.

I'm afraid I simply could not see the point of keeping such things and it irritates me no end.

When we moved our 93 yr old Mum to a care facility we found the British Heart Foundation charity particularly helpful. If you ring them up or look on their website they tell you exactly what they can take which includes small stuff like ornaments, crockery, lamps, clocks etc. They def will not take soft furniture if it doesn’t have a fire retardant label present but they seem to take most everything else. They have a large removal van and removal team that come along and collect all the donated items. You don’t have to move anything yourself. They were a Godsend for us as Mum had a lot of old heavy furniture which wouldn’t fit into her new apartment.

We put sticky labels on each item before they came to make sure they only took away items we had donated. We did wrap up ornaments and crockery items and put in a cardboard box for ease.