Worried I won’t last the course

Grandmabatty

I think you have to be led by the nurses. They are responsible for your husband and if you or he had an accident when you were helping him to sit, then that might go badly. I know it is hard to have to wait, but the nurses can't be everywhere at once. You say he is immobile, so presumably he needs help to move. That can be two health care workers or a hoist which they have to get. It could be dangerous for both of you to try to move him.
No care home is perfect and try to work with them, not against them. I feel for you.

Is this a care home or a nursing home?
OP says it's a care home so they won't be any nurses- just carers. Even in nursing homes there is usually only one nurse on a shift and the rest are carers.

OP- you say you don't like the care home but how does your DH feel about it? You say he does not have a dementia diagnosis so I assume he's lucid and knows what is happening?

I'm not sure I can give you any advice as I have (thankfully) never been in this situation but I think you should take note of what others are saying. It should be a partnership, but if DH doesn't like it there either then why not look elsewhere, especially if you consider it will be a long term thing.

Remember the word 'home,' however horrible it may be this is now DH's home and if he is happy that's all that counts, if he isn't then steps can be taken to find somewhere else?

Talk with the home manager. Say that sometimes you feel belittled by staff. Talk through what their concerns are about you helping him, then you will both begin to understand each other's point of view.

One of the main things I had to adapt to when my late OH was in a nursing home was the fact that things would not be perfect, not done my way, not done exactly as I would like. There is of course a huge difference between that and out and out neglect or poor care. I think he did have good care, but there were things I would have done differently of course. That is the compromise to be made.

I did nothing with him that involved physical strength - I left that to the carers. But I did feed him. I used to smile when the carers asked me to leave the room for any personal care - this was my OH for goodness' sake ... nowt to be seen that I had not seen before!

Saxifrage I agree totally, my Mum was in a care home for 7 years it wasn’t the worst but neither was it the best I saw a lot of things I didn’t like ( being left wet too long not being moved enough, being left with out attention and much more) but I had no choice she was funded by the state I was working full time, whilst helping out with two young grandchildren whos Daddy had just died and helping my Dad who was on his own at home I felt the best I could do was make a friend of the carers and when I did have concerns I mention it to them in an empathic way ( I know you’re run off your feet but could
you ….) Mum had full blown dementia and could be loving and sweet one minute, lashing out another, inside she was angry being taken from her home and beloved husband but although it broke his heart he was struggling mum was no longer safe in the home he had a breakdown so she couldn’t stay at home
It was awful and I still cry tears over it
But yours are wise words to nitjustaprettyface
Don’t stop the visits
Make friends of the staff and thank them when things are put right that is a small thing but gives people a good feeling

I too have a husband in a care home with dementia. It is hard visiting as there will always be things that don't seem ideal and members of staff who you don't find very sympathetic or are very abrupt. For instance I often find my husband in other peoples clothes and they don't seem to clean his teeth. However I reckon that the nicer and politer I am to everyone the kinder they will be when treating him. So I try hard to always be very polite and jolly when there. I do realise what a difficult job they have and how boring it is.

I feel for you as it’s awful when you see things that you know isn’t right for your loved one BUT by not visiting him you are punishing him, not them
Is your husband complaining to you about other things when you aren’t there, does he seem very unhappy, has he been hurt or upset when you go, or is it things that you notice and feel isn’t how you would do things and the fact that ‘you get told off’ as you put it
As you refer to a nurse do you mean a carer? As most care homes don’t have qualified nurses on duty
Your husband is 83 I m guessing you’re a similar age and perhaps the carers are worried you ll hurt yourself or worse still, he ll fall with you trying to help him

Why don’t you ask to have a private meeting with the owner and voice your fears and worries and get answers If you can have a relative or friend go with you, ( strength in numbers) that would be better still
Are you the only person to visit him ?
Why is he immobile has he had a stroke or accident is he having any physio ? did you choose the care home ?

I think you need support in this

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I had a similar situation with my dear parents but followed the care home instructions to the letter. If you do this, and say something were to happen, they are responsible, not you. Also, you may be of a similar age to your husband, so please look after yourself, smile, go in there and chat to him and say hello, good bye and thank you. If the place is clean and he is cared for and changed, washed, and catered for, this should give you peace of mind. Please think of the alternative. Be a cheery as you can with him but make sure you too get enough care. You may be feeling down as your husband is your life's partner and you are right to care about him but do a realistic 'Is he safe?' check. If so, be the visit he looks forward to. Some of these nurses can be quite off hand. But I suppose it is their job. A lot will depend what the nurse actually says to you? Do you have children who can support you?

I think you have to be led by the nurses. They are responsible for your husband and if you or he had an accident when you were helping him to sit, then that might go badly. I know it is hard to have to wait, but the nurses can't be everywhere at once. You say he is immobile, so presumably he needs help to move. That can be two health care workers or a hoist which they have to get. It could be dangerous for both of you to try to move him.
No care home is perfect and try to work with them, not against them. I feel for you.