Worried I won’t last the course

I think you have to be led by the nurses. They are responsible for your husband and if you or he had an accident when you were helping him to sit, then that might go badly. I know it is hard to have to wait, but the nurses can't be everywhere at once. You say he is immobile, so presumably he needs help to move. That can be two health care workers or a hoist which they have to get. It could be dangerous for both of you to try to move him.
No care home is perfect and try to work with them, not against them. I feel for you.

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I had a similar situation with my dear parents but followed the care home instructions to the letter. If you do this, and say something were to happen, they are responsible, not you. Also, you may be of a similar age to your husband, so please look after yourself, smile, go in there and chat to him and say hello, good bye and thank you. If the place is clean and he is cared for and changed, washed, and catered for, this should give you peace of mind. Please think of the alternative. Be a cheery as you can with him but make sure you too get enough care. You may be feeling down as your husband is your life's partner and you are right to care about him but do a realistic 'Is he safe?' check. If so, be the visit he looks forward to. Some of these nurses can be quite off hand. But I suppose it is their job. A lot will depend what the nurse actually says to you? Do you have children who can support you?

I feel for you as it’s awful when you see things that you know isn’t right for your loved one BUT by not visiting him you are punishing him, not them
Is your husband complaining to you about other things when you aren’t there, does he seem very unhappy, has he been hurt or upset when you go, or is it things that you notice and feel isn’t how you would do things and the fact that ‘you get told off’ as you put it
As you refer to a nurse do you mean a carer? As most care homes don’t have qualified nurses on duty
Your husband is 83 I m guessing you’re a similar age and perhaps the carers are worried you ll hurt yourself or worse still, he ll fall with you trying to help him

Why don’t you ask to have a private meeting with the owner and voice your fears and worries and get answers If you can have a relative or friend go with you, ( strength in numbers) that would be better still
Are you the only person to visit him ?
Why is he immobile has he had a stroke or accident is he having any physio ? did you choose the care home ?

I think you need support in this

I too have a husband in a care home with dementia. It is hard visiting as there will always be things that don't seem ideal and members of staff who you don't find very sympathetic or are very abrupt. For instance I often find my husband in other peoples clothes and they don't seem to clean his teeth. However I reckon that the nicer and politer I am to everyone the kinder they will be when treating him. So I try hard to always be very polite and jolly when there. I do realise what a difficult job they have and how boring it is.

Saxifrage I agree totally, my Mum was in a care home for 7 years it wasn’t the worst but neither was it the best I saw a lot of things I didn’t like ( being left wet too long not being moved enough, being left with out attention and much more) but I had no choice she was funded by the state I was working full time, whilst helping out with two young grandchildren whos Daddy had just died and helping my Dad who was on his own at home I felt the best I could do was make a friend of the carers and when I did have concerns I mention it to them in an empathic way ( I know you’re run off your feet but could
you ….) Mum had full blown dementia and could be loving and sweet one minute, lashing out another, inside she was angry being taken from her home and beloved husband but although it broke his heart he was struggling mum was no longer safe in the home he had a breakdown so she couldn’t stay at home
It was awful and I still cry tears over it
But yours are wise words to nitjustaprettyface
Don’t stop the visits
Make friends of the staff and thank them when things are put right that is a small thing but gives people a good feeling

Talk with the home manager. Say that sometimes you feel belittled by staff. Talk through what their concerns are about you helping him, then you will both begin to understand each other's point of view.

One of the main things I had to adapt to when my late OH was in a nursing home was the fact that things would not be perfect, not done my way, not done exactly as I would like. There is of course a huge difference between that and out and out neglect or poor care. I think he did have good care, but there were things I would have done differently of course. That is the compromise to be made.

I did nothing with him that involved physical strength - I left that to the carers. But I did feed him. I used to smile when the carers asked me to leave the room for any personal care - this was my OH for goodness' sake ... nowt to be seen that I had not seen before!

Grandmabatty

I think you have to be led by the nurses. They are responsible for your husband and if you or he had an accident when you were helping him to sit, then that might go badly. I know it is hard to have to wait, but the nurses can't be everywhere at once. You say he is immobile, so presumably he needs help to move. That can be two health care workers or a hoist which they have to get. It could be dangerous for both of you to try to move him.
No care home is perfect and try to work with them, not against them. I feel for you.

Is this a care home or a nursing home?
OP says it's a care home so they won't be any nurses- just carers. Even in nursing homes there is usually only one nurse on a shift and the rest are carers.

OP- you say you don't like the care home but how does your DH feel about it? You say he does not have a dementia diagnosis so I assume he's lucid and knows what is happening?

I'm not sure I can give you any advice as I have (thankfully) never been in this situation but I think you should take note of what others are saying. It should be a partnership, but if DH doesn't like it there either then why not look elsewhere, especially if you consider it will be a long term thing.

Remember the word 'home,' however horrible it may be this is now DH's home and if he is happy that's all that counts, if he isn't then steps can be taken to find somewhere else?

I’ve every sympathy with you and understand how you feel. We are in a very similar situation my husband also has no mobility, is double incontinent and has mild dementia. The care home he is in is not perfect but they are kind. He complains but he also complained about my care and the carers that came in the last year he was at home. He cannot accept that he is not a priority over everyone else like he was at home. They have others to care for also with complex needs and cannot always get to him the minute he presses his buzzer sometimes he just has to wait. I feel guilty but know that I could not care for him at home any more . It would not be safe for either of us. We just have to compromise but sometimes life is very lonely. I feel that I am married but no longer have a marriage.

Thanks for your advice
To clarify things a bit : I am only 66 yrs old, we have an age gap with my husband
i think i resent going to the nursing home because i dont feel old yet and life has robbed me of my husband
i am nice to the carers , most of whom are very nice but i dont get on with the nurses or the management team
I want to see my husband but it’s difficult in that environment as the residents there just look as if they are waiting to die
We all know we are going to die but to be reminded of it every day is hard to bear

You have all of my empathy. My husband has been “told off” several times for taking his Mum to the loo in her care home.

The carers feel that this is their role, however I think part of this might be because if she fell who would take the responsibility. It’s so tough.

Notjustaprettyface

Thanks for your advice
To clarify things a bit : I am only 66 yrs old, we have an age gap with my husband
i think i resent going to the nursing home because i dont feel old yet and life has robbed me of my husband
i am nice to the carers , most of whom are very nice but i dont get on with the nurses or the management team
I want to see my husband but it’s difficult in that environment as the residents there just look as if they are waiting to die
We all know we are going to die but to be reminded of it every day is hard to bear

Btw your feelings are very natural, one of my cousins is in a similar position, she’s 66 and her husband only 73, but he’s got a rare form of dementia caused by a bleed on the brain and earlier this year she took the heartbreaking decision to place him in residential care.

She’s terribly lonely, visits regularly, takes his out and has tremendous family support, but her life is ruined, she misses her husband terribly, this man in the home looks like him, speaks like him, but is most definitely not the man she married forty years ago.

It’s so sad.

welshchrissy

I’ve every sympathy with you and understand how you feel. We are in a very similar situation my husband also has no mobility, is double incontinent and has mild dementia. The care home he is in is not perfect but they are kind. He complains but he also complained about my care and the carers that came in the last year he was at home. He cannot accept that he is not a priority over everyone else like he was at home. They have others to care for also with complex needs and cannot always get to him the minute he presses his buzzer sometimes he just has to wait. I feel guilty but know that I could not care for him at home any more . It would not be safe for either of us. We just have to compromise but sometimes life is very lonely. I feel that I am married but no longer have a marriage.

Maybe a break would help, you dont say how often you go in but you could miss a visit. Although it is sad that people lose a sense of time with dementia it does mean he will not notice you missed a visit.

I find that some of the staff speak to me like I am a child or one of the residents. I am only 71 so not in my dotage yet luckily. I make allowances for the staff in that a lot of the residents including my husband can be very child like and talking to them like that is sometimes necessary and it must be very difficult for the staff not to talk to everyone the same. It’s a bit like the school teacher wh treats everyone like a pupil. I have also been told they cannot allow me to help move him because it would complicate matters with their insurance if anything went wrong and someone got hurt.

It is really hard seeing a loved one in a care setting

I think you need to send an email regarding how they talk to you.

I would suggest joining a carers group (carers uk have a list) so you can meet with people in similar situations as it’s very isolating

A few years back when I was a market researcher (PT job while at uni) we had one regular survey for the over 50s demographic. One of the questions was:-

What is your greatest fear?

Apart from the obvious responses of "bereavement "and "poor health" number 3 on the list was "Losing my independence".

Losing my independence would be number one on my list and some of the postings upthread are a perfect illustration of why.

I agree with Janejudge, I was lucky enough to join a local group several years ago. It helps a lot to see how others manage. In our group, one member, like the OP is younger and still feels she needs to ‘live’, her husband is in a care home and she has just had a 3 week holiday abroad, another member whose husband is still at home never leaves his side and won't even get a carer for a couple of hours off. Both are supported by the group, there is no right way to cope with this beastly situation.

This must be so very difficult for you to cope with but please do not stop visiting your DH. You are probably all he has to look forward to and he may be lost worrying about where you are. As others have said far better to agree with the carers, be empathetic, acknowledge their frustrations and try to befriend them. If you have them on side then it's likely your DH will receive the best care. Look after yourself.

Hi hope you lovely ladies can help my daughter came to live with me when her marriage broke down her ex is a narcissist and has mernipulated the two grandkids to go and live with him they were doing one week his one week daughter my daughter is absolutely heart broken thing is I don't know how to react to my grand daughter she text me good night I don't hear at all from my grandson I feel like they are cutting us out of there lives so should I do the same help

Hopefully someone will advise Chris36 on where to post the above message but I don't know how to do it.

To the OP, I know how you feel. My mum was self-funding but the choice of carehomes was limited. A couple were far too expensive, this was a happy medium. She hated it for about a month then made a friend and settled. Not all staff were pleasant, but most were. Remember they are not well-paid, no career path, and many see the job as temporary. They are often under-staffed with "agency workers" filling in. I often saw mum in strange clothes - they go missing in the laundry. She didn't bother, so I didn't.

As others have said, the care will not be as you would have given it. Mum didn't like to stay in her room (she was mobile) but didn't watch the tv in the lounge cos it wasn't her type of programme. She stopped reading too, and having been a music lover all her life she hated any concerts that were put on, even singing Christmas Carols. Basically, her personality changed. It seems odd but I found her to be a nicer person in there than she used to be and certainly more interesting.

I stopped killing myself to go every day when one week I had to miss a few days and on my return she asked me if I'd found the toilet okay!!!

As others have said, you must not attempt to give physical help to your husband. Carers are trained in how to do it without injury to themselves or the patient, and are insured if anything goes wrong.

I am not sure about whether care homes with the majority (or all) of the residents are local authority funded as my mum's was both. She was fee-paying but 90% were not and it was fine once we got used to the routine. I got reasonably friendly with the manageress and was surprised to learn that some carers whom I liked had faults that I wasn't aware of and others who appeared a bit slapdash were well liked and even taking extra qualifications.

I also got a surprise when one day I had to take mum 20 miles away for a hearing test and on our return she started to panic because she imagined the home might have "sold" her room. On arrival the manageress opened the door and mum flung herself into her arms and cried "Can I come back? I hope you've not given my room to someone else".

In short, we only use care homes nowadays when there is really no choice, and sadly they are not as we would want compared to our own homes or our own way of doing things. We have to press the government for better funding because it is going to get worse with more of us living longer but with health issues, whether physical or mental.

We can only do our best in what is a less than ideal situation.

As has been said, you need to speak to the management about how you are being treated. It's not acceptable for them to treat you as a naughty child. Think about what you want, (to be treated respectfully as an adult as is your right) and how to ask for that in a strong, respectful way before you ask for a meeting.
(eg, I've asked for this meeting because I am unhappy at the way your staff are treating me. When I try to help my husband they shout at me / belittle me / insert your concern. I'm sure it's because they are very busy or maybe they are worried about my safety, however; I need them to treat me as an adult and explain their concern / tell me what I can do and how to do it safely. That way we can work together for his benefit and I can be supportive. At the moment is feels as if we are on opposing sides which is obviously not good for anyone. ....

You do need to have a bit of confidence in yourself. Keep reminding yourself you are an adult and deserve to be treated as one. This whole situation has, understandably, made you feel powerless and fragile and small. It's easy to be bullied when you are feeling that way. Their behaviour is not acceptable in any instance.

As for the nurses belittling you: This process is very hard- especially the first time you do it, so maybe practice a bit on your own... when the nurse "tells you off" like a child, you take a breath, try to be calm and imagine yourself growing an inch or two. Then you calmly look her in the eye and say some or all of this: (to yourself as much as to her!)
"I am an adult, I am rational and can follow logic. If you want my respect, you need to treat me as an adult and explain how I can help. Being negative doesn't help either of us." (don't wither, don't blame and don't apologise)
The nurse will probably get huffy but it will make her think twice before she treats you as a child again. You may have to repeat this each time it happens, but it will work eventually and is more empowering than allowing yourself to feel small and going home to cry. (I do know how awful this situation is, I've been there and cried my own river too often)
If she is cooperative and respectful, then you can calmly ask "what would you prefer me to do when my husband needs xxx (insert help required) and you are too busy to help straight away?"

Don’t let yourself slip into a depression. You have so much change to adjust to. It is hard to hand over the care of your life partner to others. It would help you to talk through this transition with someone who is not involved and won’t bombard you with advice. Perhaps your doctor could refer you to a therapist so that you can have some unemotional support for a while. Befriend the nursing home staff, it is the best thing you can do for your DH. It is a lonely business, my mum was in a home for a few years and didn’t know me quite soon after she went in. The staff were friends though and this helped so much. It must be harder when it’s your husband. Wishing you well. X

I am surprised you put up with being spoken to as if you were a naughty child!

In your place, I would lodge a politely worded complaint to whoever is superior to this nurse or carer.

If your husband still knows you, and misses you when you don't turn up, staying away isn't really an option, is it?

You certainly should not let the atmosphere ruin your health, so you will probably have to accept the way most things are done in the home.