How to cope when you have nobody

I think you are suffering from extreme anxiety and should visit your Doctor, he may prescribe you something for it or refer you for talking therapy as these extreme thoughts are not usually seen in people your age and you don’t sound as if you are making the most of your young adult life

@V3ra I know in theory I could possibly still have children, but it seems unlikely. I just don't see it in my future for various reasons. I would honestly like to have one child, but on the other hand, I really don't want to bring another only child into the world.

Seeking financial advice is a good idea I think. Thank you for that suggestion.

There's nothing wrong with being alone, though.
All of us will be, at some point.

@JaneJudge I am less lonely than I was a few years ago when I was single and had almost no friends. I have successfully made some new friends this year, so that has helped.

@ExDancer No it hasn't really been a choice - more just a circumstance. I had little confidence and low self esteem when younger, so was late to finding a relationship. I am not sure about bringing a child into the world now. I feel life is hard, although appreciate that there have always been challenges. I also worry that I would only have one child myself and that they would then have very little family and potentially be alone one day. Being a only child yourself means you can't provide aunties, uncles or cousins for your child. It seems almost morally wrong to simply transfer my own issue down a generation.

@BlueBelle I think a positive thinking course might be a good idea. You other idea is a good one too!

Has it been your own choice not to have children? You are in your late 30s and could still have them, though its not a good reason for having them of course, in fact its a very bad one.

Are you lonely? do you want to do something about that?

Strawberriesandpears plenty of people have their children at your age and older so don't dismiss that possibility.

I think you might benefit from an appointment with an independent financial adviser. They will take your wishes onboard and be able to advise you what savings/pension options will best suit your requirements.
I think once you have some plans in place for your future, and I don't think it's too soon to do this, you can then get on with enjoying your present.

If you can’t get counselling in your area there is online counselling or even better what abut doing a ‘positive thinking’ course or better still throw everything to the wind say bugger the future, treat your partner for a nice meal/ night out and then make mad passionate love
There how’s that 🤗

Thank you @BlueBelle No need to apologise.

I absolutely know I need to live more in the present and that the future is not guaranteed for anyone. I have tried telling myself that so many times. I just don't know why I can't get it into my head. There is a lot of stuff online about how scary a future alone is, and I think having read all that, it is now essentially haunting me.

But yes, I absolutely understand what you are saying. Perhaps part of getting older is realising you can't have full control over life or the future, and I am maybe not quite there yet.

I agree with MOnica about building up new friendship groups doing something you all enjoy. I just had one sister and my husband was an only child. And both my husband and my sister are now dead. I still have friends though! You can go on making those all your life.

I also think that life will look very different in 30 or 40 years time. Increasing numbers of people your age are choosing not to have children so I think there will be a real shift from people relying on family by the time you are older. Society (and business) will develop to cater for the demand for older single living. You will not be in your own. There will be plenty of your age group that are just like you.

The interests and friends that you develop now ( especially the interests) are what will keep you happy in later life.

Is that worth ruining the whole of your young life for?

I've nobody to care for me.
A 17 year old grandson, but obviously I wouldnt expect it from him. ..so, what's the problem?

@MissAdventure The problem of the care system in this country currently working on the assumption that everyone has at least one relative who can step up and help them. That everyone has next of kin.

What problem, exactly?

strawberries I apologise for underestimating your concern and worry over a long, long way off future but honestly you do have to stop or else you are ruining your present.

The future may not even happen and you would have wasted all your time worrying about something you can’t change unless you want to
you could have children you could adopt you could widen your circle of friends who can become almost family
If it is as deeply ingrained in your brain as to feel the need to plan40 years ahead please please get some help some counselling it really isn’t normal to be hung up over something so far in the future ….let each day take you somewhere pleasant this all consuming irrational fear will eat up your whole life
I am an only child of an only child so have a very small family all my cousins aunts uncles and parents are dead
I am very blessed to have three children and seven grandkids but most of them live overseas
I am aware of my possible future and have only now ( nearly 80) in the last couple of years started getting my ducks lined up in a neat row POA in place, Will written, cremation sorted and paid for the rest will happen as it happens you can NEVER plan fully nature will decide
PLEASE LIVE IN THE PRESENT and get some help

@M0nica I would love to be part of a friendship group like that. You are right, I need to work on building something like that for us.

I have read about those co-living developments too. They look great. As you say, hopefully more solutions will open up. As family sizes get smaller, there will be more and more of us with this problem.

Just a thought, could you be premenopausal?
Perhaps ask your Dr about this?Sometimes these things have a physical cause.

I forgot to say also, I am terrified of being the only person responsible for my parents as they age. And eventually having to attend their funerals possibly on my own (hopefully I will still have my partner to come with me though). I just find it very cruel that life has left me so alone.

@SpanielCuddler (great name by the way!). No, I haven't yet talked to my partner about my anxieties. I am scared to voice them out loud I think, as that will make them even more 'real'. I will need to at some point though.

My anxiety is definitely ruining my life at the moment, and it is sad, because as you say, I can't help being an only child, and that is a big part of the reason that my family is so small.

I did approach my GP a while ago. I was given medication for anxiety but it hasn't really helped. I also tried to find a counsellor privately, but when I explained my problem, they were sympathetic, but said they couldn't help. Maybe I should look again. I am so paralysed by fear though, I find it hard to take action.

@BlueBelle No, I wish it was a joke, but sadly it isn't. I posted at night because yet again I was awake worrying about it.

I appreciate whwt you say about the world being very different in 40 years time. I have thought about how further developments in technology might make being on your own easier thsn it is now, or was in the past. Like you say also, there is a chance we won't even be here!

The most iimportant thing to do over the next 40 years is build up a friendship group.

My DS and DDiL are part of a group of friends that include them, married with children, but also another 8 or 9 close friends, some on their own, some still with parents alive. some with partners, but all living in the same town, sharing interests and all supporting each other. The oldest is now in their 60s, the youngest 52. Several spent, who would otherwise have been alone spent Christmas day with DS and family.

As well as retirement developments there are also co-partnership dvelopments where, almost always single older people live communally but seprately. There are not many, and those existing so far, seem to be women only.

But, as others have said, you ar worrying about this far too soon. over the next 3 or 4 decades more and more people like you are going to be lookingfor solutions to the same problem and will undoubtedly something will have been dveloped.

Retirement villages and care homes started up as women came back to work and could no longer care for parents full time they way they had been expected in the past, and to care for the rise in dmentia cases arising from increasing longevity.

When a problem becomes common enough, solutions arise.

So sorry that you are feeling this way. Does your partner share your anxieties?
I appreciate that it must be hard having little family around. You have each other.

Whilst it is good to plan for your future, at your age you should be looking forward to it Ensuring that you have a pension in place is typical.

Sounds like your levels of anxiety are tainting your life at the moment. You can’t help being an only child.

Have you considered approaching your GP with your worries? Maybe some Talking Therapy might help.

Is this a joke ? I can’t believe you are wasting your life and worrying about something that may or may not happen in 40 years time
I’ve heard of starting early but honestly you need to spend the rest of your 30 s /40s/ 50 s enjoying yourself making great memories and be out making friends not worrying about what you ll do when your70 or 80 You are wasting your life away thinking about 40 years time that’s crazy
The world might not even exist in 40 years time or may be very different When I think of what the world was like 40 years ago it’s vastly different now

Forget the future and live for the present, spend your money sensibly enjoying life put some away if you want to feel more secure but for goodness sake you’re dead a long time

Having read this through again I think this must be another night time silly post