How to persuade my elderly mother about going in to a care home

Whitewavemark2

And the other thing I would like to add is that neither my sister nor I being retired had work to worry about.

And you lived nearby too which was a bonus.

We looked after my Mum between us but not in her own home as that wouldn't have been possible due to logistics. My brother and sister-in-law in particular were wonderful and I hope we did our share too.

My df, who has recently died, cared for her DH who had Alzheimers, at home for as long as she could but eventually for her own health's sake, she reluctantly got him into a nearby care home so at least she could sleep at night and visit him every day.

To pay for the home, she took out equity release on their house. Now that she herself has died, her DC are having to sell the house quickly and pay back the funds. It costs a lot to keep someone in a care home.

However the OPs situation is different as it's a parent not a partner.
I hope you resolve it in a way to suit you all tripsy. It certainly isn't easy.

And the other thing I would like to add is that neither my sister nor I being retired had work to worry about.

Nanato3

Whitewavemark2

Mum died at 101 and we (my sister and I ) cared for her until her death at her home.

We had promised to do so unless she was unlucky enough to get Alzheimer’s.

Nothing is insurmountable. She had a cleaner, main stuff to the laundry, we did the delicates like her silk and wool/cashmere etc. meals delivered, as well as our efforts. Later when she become bed bound and incontinent we contacted the social services, and help was arranged to ensure mum was clean etc 3-4 times a day.

As time went on mum needed more looking after, and my sister and I did day and day around until towards the end when we spent all day with her, again sharing the hours between us. It was not easy, and our life was put on hold. A night nurse was arranged, and the day they were due to begin, mum died.

We don’t regret a single minute - I will say that mum had not been the easiest of mothers to either of us, but family loyalty and simple morality made sure that we did out bit.

So it is possible.

I think this is the type of care from A/C that every parent dreams of. What lovely caring daughters

I dread the thought of going into a care home and would rather end it all that be forced into one .

OP let mum stay at home for as long as possible. She's probably worried and frightened about what's going to happen to her . Don't have any regrets.

I think really there are two points to be made here nanato3

The first is that mum was pretty ancient when she came to need a lot of input from us, and a lot of stuff like the cleaner, laundry etc sort or grew up over the years.
Because mum was so ancient, not to put too fine a point on it, it was obvious that she was not going to last for ever, and we could sort of (although very hard at times) see light at the end of the tunnel.

The second point is that I had/have a strong family to lean on and my sister worked together without a single word of rancour etc. It makes a huge difference.

But for Mum and us - we were all together at her very end and indeed the weeks leading up to her departure - and apart from my sister and I being frightened by her last struggles - when the nurse intervened - and soothed her passing with an injection, it was a good death and for us a good goodbye.

My mother would never in a million years have agreed to move to a care home - why would she, when according to her there was nothing wrong with her? But it had got to the stage (dementia) where she simply wasn’t safe to be left alone at all any more.

We had to get her there by stealth, and I’ve never dreaded a day so much in my life, but it went a lot better than we’d feared.

I can’t say she was ever really happy in the (excellent) care home, but then she hadn’t been happy at home either - so often anxious or frightened of things she couldn’t even name.

Whitewavemark2

Mum died at 101 and we (my sister and I ) cared for her until her death at her home.

We had promised to do so unless she was unlucky enough to get Alzheimer’s.

Nothing is insurmountable. She had a cleaner, main stuff to the laundry, we did the delicates like her silk and wool/cashmere etc. meals delivered, as well as our efforts. Later when she become bed bound and incontinent we contacted the social services, and help was arranged to ensure mum was clean etc 3-4 times a day.

As time went on mum needed more looking after, and my sister and I did day and day around until towards the end when we spent all day with her, again sharing the hours between us. It was not easy, and our life was put on hold. A night nurse was arranged, and the day they were due to begin, mum died.

We don’t regret a single minute - I will say that mum had not been the easiest of mothers to either of us, but family loyalty and simple morality made sure that we did out bit.

So it is possible.

I think this is the type of care from A/C that every parent dreams of. What lovely caring daughters

I dread the thought of going into a care home and would rather end it all that be forced into one .

OP let mum stay at home for as long as possible. She's probably worried and frightened about what's going to happen to her . Don't have any regrets.

Tripsy , I wonder if you and I would agree about what sort of dirt constitutes "really filthy".

Cambsnan wrote
"There are schemes where younger people are matched with older people in large houses. They get cheap accommodation in exchange for cleaning and companionship. Ask your local authority."

May well provide a safe, clean, and sociable environment for this old lady who does of course wants to stay in her own home.

How exactly is the old Lady "sociable" ? I can't imagine she'd get the right sort of company for herself in a nursing home.

I would insist that she has help at home. She will be even more confused in a home. In my experience, to go from independent to nursing home is a big jump. The company can be a long way from stimulating so you need to be careful about your choice. I would go for help at home including a cleaner and a gardener and put your foot down. Tell Mum that the alternative is a care home if she prefers that. She can still clean and garden, just not everything.

Locality is important....if you are " popping in " distance,it makes a difference.

The very elderly person may not be able to take on new information. They are set in their ways. They may see you as interfering and also you are their " child"

I think it's sad and somewhat unfair when people don't face upto things earlier. Sorry but that is coloured by own very ,very difficult experience.

Polnan Care homes are free if you have no assets or very little savings.

BlueBelle yours was the first post I read that sounded positive Blue Belle... I agree.. I am getting there.. can still manage, a little, thank goodness, I dread the time when I could be carted off.. care home? couldn`t afford that.. so goodness knows what happens to those of us without the income to pay.. I want to stay in my little home for as long as I can,, I know I am not keeping it as good as I used to be, but come on!!!

Unless your mother asks, I would not mention any change yet. Her home might not be a show home but she is perfectly happy there.

I’m in the same position, so truly empathise.
In that situation I would let your mum enjoy this last spring and summer with her beloved garden if you can though.
Maybe encourage very regular day visits to her friend in the home on a weekly or monthly basis - for tea, cake and a chat.
Maybe in the late summer/early autumn broach the subject of a “weeks holiday” there.
She will be wondering herself about how long she can remain at home I imagine…

(Same here, a 99yo currently on a 3 week “holiday” in a care home - who told me her legs wouldn’t carry her to let her make a run for it, and a 92 yo, 3 hrs away who has just started lighting candles and forgetting…)

Perhaps, faced with a move she'd accept a cleaner, gardener, and some frozen prepared meals (I doubt I'd like that sort of food, but needs must).

Needs must at the moment for us and in fact some ready meals are fine. Charlie Bigham, M&S Gastropub, Waitrose and some Tesco Finest.

Mum died at 101 and we (my sister and I ) cared for her until her death at her home.

We had promised to do so unless she was unlucky enough to get Alzheimer’s.

Nothing is insurmountable. She had a cleaner, main stuff to the laundry, we did the delicates like her silk and wool/cashmere etc. meals delivered, as well as our efforts. Later when she become bed bound and incontinent we contacted the social services, and help was arranged to ensure mum was clean etc 3-4 times a day.

As time went on mum needed more looking after, and my sister and I did day and day around until towards the end when we spent all day with her, again sharing the hours between us. It was not easy, and our life was put on hold. A night nurse was arranged, and the day they were due to begin, mum died.

We don’t regret a single minute - I will say that mum had not been the easiest of mothers to either of us, but family loyalty and simple morality made sure that we did out bit.

So it is possible.

My mum refused point blank to go into a home but on her last fall I refused to take her home and drove her to the care home . They had already sent someone from the care home to talk to her. I know it sounds hard but this was her fourth fall and she refused to press her alarm for help and was on the floor for over twelve hours. She is 89 and neither my sister or I will entertain having her to live with us as she is extremely difficult. Six months later she is still there, it is a lovely family run home and she could not be anywhere nicer or safer but she is still not happy! I am in Africa now celebrating our golden wedding anniversary and happy that I know she is safe and cared for.

I think she's absolutely right to worry about her mother. This situation will not improve. 'Just getting carers' is far easier said than done and can open up new avenues of problems.

There is no magic answer to this problem.

You can try to persuade your mother that she does need a cleaner, as obviously she spends her time on the garden and the house is filthy in consequence.

Why is your mother becoming more and more confused?

Is this a form of senile dementia? Or simply that having no one to talk any longer in her home, she repeats herself when she sees you? Is she drinking enough fluids? Eating properly?

These are the things you should try to solve first, as you know your mother is opposed to the thought of moving.

Have you, or another relative a provisional power of attorney? If not, this too is something you need to try to discuss with your mother.

If you are sure your mother would enjoy the social side of being in a home (personally I can think of nothing worse) then you can mention that too,

To me it sounds as if you are worrying, without a lot of cause, rather than that your mother is not managing. If I am wrong about this, you will need to get her permission for you to talk to her GP, and perhaps her solicitor and bank as well, unless you are fully in the know about her financial position. Care homes don't come cheap, you know.

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Read about that reasonably recently. The examples were all very successful and the parties had become good friends and company.

Of course, they didn't write of any failures or disasters!!
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Flutterby345

Re cleaning, could someone go in and do it while someone else took her out for the afternoon? Sneaky. Would she notice? Does not solve the main problem.of course.

I cleaned my parents home whilst they were out. I was never sure if they noticed or just thought a fairy cleaned, but mum never complained.

Re cleaning, could someone go in and do it while someone else took her out for the afternoon? Sneaky. Would she notice? Does not solve the main problem.of course.

is there no way you can persuade her to have carers or a cleaner? from what you say the house is not looked after so must be a great worry
trouble is if she does not want to go in a care home little you can do. often if people are not happy when they go in a home they go downhill quickly
sometimes you can get respite care in the homes say for a couple of weeks. what i thought was if she would agree to that maybe you could get a company to give the house a really good clean perhaps too see if you could do any adaptations to the home to make it easier

I love my gardens, I'd not be persuaded to move.

Perhaps, faced with a move she'd accept a cleaner, gardener, and some frozen prepared meals (I doubt I'd like that sort of food, but needs must).

As we've aged (we're around 80 and 82) we do find some tasks in the gardens more difficult - for example we oversee shrub planting and no longer dig enormous deep holes. We want the gardens as we want them - overseeing is key.

We have the exterior of the windows cleaned, only do insides now. I sweep and clean daily (dog hair), but we have cleaners in for the fiddly bits that are becoming harder on our knees since TKR. We recovered quite well, but knees of floor hurts, even 6 years on. All that to say, we still ski, travel long haul, take quite long walks, but we choose to save ourselves for what we want to do.

Kindly explain some options for staying put.