How to persuade my elderly mother about going in to a care home

It proved impossible to care for my mother at home, either hers or family members, we tried everything. "Living" with dementia (various types including Lewy Bodies) she became so paranoid\detached from reality she was a danger to herself, and others.
It culminated in an armed response squad being sent to her home as she had "imagined" (it was real to her and she was terrified) a baby being murdered. There was no option but to section her and thankfully, our nightmare began to recede and she was well cared for.
Noone who hasn't dealt with the level of dementia that affected my mother has any idea how dreadful and unmanageable it is.
Yes, my mother would have preferred suicide but her deterioration was so fast she had absolutely no idea what was happening to her, in her own mind she was absolutely normal and everyone else (most of whom she thought were trying to steal from her or murder her) were the ones with the problem. Then there were the nighttime wanderings, hours traipsing the streets searching for something she'd lost and would never find.
Don't ignore the signs.

My parents in law are now both ill and frail. They have a regular gardener who mows the lawns and a chap who does the hedges when needed. I told them I was getting a cleaner as my house had got too much for me to man age and that luckily she had agreed to do theirs too as I could see they had the same problem. (Asking for forgiveness can be easier than asking for permission.)

If my father-in-law goes first then we will keep mother-in-law in her own home (she has dementia) and take turns - her two sons and me - to sleep over and look after her as she has always dreaded going into a home. If he outlives her then we will ask father-in-law what he would like to do, but although I think he would benefit from the company, I doubt he will want to go into a care home either. In which case we’ll rally round as much as he needs.

I think if the OPs mum has dementia then keeping her at home with support would possibly be the best thing. One tip, the right cleaners will often do additional ‘care’ work if they’re paid well and feel valued. Ours goes over and above; my in-laws relish chatting with her and she is always happy to to do extra because she gets very well looked after.

OldFrill what a nightmare situation. Just awful for you as well as her.

Mt61

lafergar

Mum said she’s going to take a Cocktail of pills & alcohol first before she will go in a care home

Not helpful.

That’s my mum’s view & that is up to her, but whilst I have breath in my body she will always be well looked after. Hopefully she won’t ever be in that position.

My parents were well looked after. As I live 4 hours away, this proved very challenging.

I don't agree with this melodrama around care homes. It's a hightly emotional and complex subject. Money, relationships, health, locality. There is a lot to consider. It's not called the sandwich generation for nothing.

My mother’s dementia came on very suddenly after a medication error by the GP which wasn’t picked up by the pharmacy led to a massive cognitive decline.

Like OldFrill we did not have an option about mum going into a care home.The decision was made by drs for mum’ safety.

She is well looked after, safe and always looks lovely with her hair done and clean neat clothes.Even though the decision was made for us it has taken me about six months to stop feeling guilty.

It is very hard situation.The ideal is for our elderly parents to stay in their own homes but with the best will in the world it isn’t always posssible.

Susan56

My mother’s dementia came on very suddenly after a medication error by the GP which wasn’t picked up by the pharmacy led to a massive cognitive decline.

Like OldFrill we did not have an option about mum going into a care home.The decision was made by drs for mum’ safety.

She is well looked after, safe and always looks lovely with her hair done and clean neat clothes.Even though the decision was made for us it has taken me about six months to stop feeling guilty.

It is very hard situation.The ideal is for our elderly parents to stay in their own homes but with the best will in the world it isn’t always posssible.

I reckon there must be a noticeable number of times when dementia type issues can be traced back to there being a person directly responsible for it. So my sympathies there after "dud doctor followed by dud pharmacist" and I'd be livid in your position that two irresponsible people had caused that.

Sometimes it is the fault of someone else - rather than "one of those things". I knew years beforehand that Alzheimers would "get" my mother somewhere along the line and it did.

But I do "hold blame" for the fact my mother pushed and pushed at my father to do everything medical - because that's what she wanted personally from what I could see. He'd probably have "let go and died" sooner if she hadnt made his decisions for him - a fact I wasnt happy with...but it was a long-held pattern they had. Left to himself - he probably wouldnt have had the heart bypass operation he had. Which would then mean he didnt come round from all those hours under general anaesthetic reduced from high intelligence to average intelligence (it was very clear to me his mind had been affected for the worse) and then went on to get vascular dementia - and cue for a long phonecall conference including medics/social services and it was the start of Lockdown era (ie "chuck them all out of hospitals....we are calling it bed-blocking") and my erstwhile sister-in-law and erstwhile brother had been "put in charge" and I was in a minority of one arguing against him going into a nursing home and all I'd been able to do was I had made the decision which one it was - and then stood firm and insisted it was going to be that "best one I'd found" and got that. There is still guilt anyway - as he did have enough functioning brain cells still that he "threw himself against the walls" (as an unwary young assistant told me) and I knew he had some degree of Awareness and was trying to kill himself to get out of the home and out of Lockdown and can only be glad it was only days before he was free (ie dead). There was nothing more I could do. There was nothing I could do about the fact he was someone who had thinking that was logical and looking up to 50 years ahead re what Society would do and therefore (even in vascular dementia) probably had some sort of idea of what was going on - and I'd be a fat lot of good about complaining about someone who thinks (and plans) decades ahead like he did - because I do too and I could turn round and say "In 30 years time - if there isn't a Major War - then I can tell you what Britain will be like...unfortunately...".

🥱

I had an elderly aunt who was becoming a danger to herself. She was in hospital and the doctors kept telling my mother that she would get her sister home soon. This horrified her as she was very frail and I lived al long way away . I told the hospital I would look for a care home and my aunt was persuaded to go into one of them . She never settled in the home and fell out of bed and broke her hip. She had never married so there was no family to decide her fate. When she died my cousin said he wished we had left her at home and run with the risks but we also had to consided her two sister who felt they had to help but were worried sick about having to help . It is a difficult decision to make .

Hi TripsyG , I really sympathise with you as my DM is also 89 , lives alone and refuses any help , such as a cleaner . However I’m 10 minutes drive away , so I’m her carer .
Firstly you need to get a gp appointment to check for a uti which can cause confusion . Also ask for a memory test if you’re concerned about dementia.
Do you have LPOA ? . If not get it soon.
You could contact Age UK about attendance allowance and social stuff in her area . Age uk near me has a cafe and drop in centre .
Maybe try and persuade her to get a gardener and they can work together.
As for a filthy house, my mums flat is very dusty , but she doesn’t see it . And isn’t bothered, she’d rather read a book or do the crossword . I clean the kitchen and bathroom and hoover .
I’d explore other options before a care home .

Sensible suggestions, Tenko.
There are other reasons for confusion so a GP appointment should be the first step.

Just to add - No one would choose to be in a care home, no matter how wonderful it was, unless they actually HAD to go in.

Milliedog

Just to add - No one would choose to be in a care home, no matter how wonderful it was, unless they actually HAD to go in.

Oops. Lost my first post so will start again...
My father had to go into a care home after a year of unexplained collapses. It's a wonderful place - the staff are amazing, the food delicious and there's a beautiful garden. They have sherry after their morning armchair keep fit and wine with lunch. There are activities and day trips. BUT at the end of the day, he's in a home filled with residents who are only there because they are physically frail or forgetful. That must be depressing. It take him out 2 or 3 times each week so he can be part of the normal world and not become institutionalised.

I definitely want to go into a care home when the time comes. I don't want to burden my family with all the work and stress of trying to keep me at home with random carers coming and going.

Aveline

I definitely want to go into a care home when the time comes. I don't want to burden my family with all the work and stress of trying to keep me at home with random carers coming and going.

Me too and my family are fully aware of this.

Having supported both MiL and now mum in their wish to stay at home I do not want my children to have to deal with worrying about my day-to-day health and safety.

Agree looked after my mother for 12years after her stroke. A good time but do not want my children to do that. Off to a home for me.
.

I do not want my children looking after me at all but if I can stay in my own home with cleaner/ carers etc that would be my choice. I ve worked in care homes and would rather not go into one if at all possible

But BlueBelle that's the hard bit. Finding and keeping good carers, organising their pay and holiday/sick cover, food shopping , laundry etc. That's a lot of time and stress for others. You may no longer be up.to managing all that.

It to mention getting the light bulbs changed, asking sure the heating is working, that the freezer is defrosted, that the pendant alarm is working, keeping an eye on the bank account, paying the bills, organising trips to the doctor…

Sorry, but I do not want my children to have all this stress.

I understand how tough this is. My grandmother also refused to leave her home, so we started with part-time caregivers—first for gardening, then light housekeeping. She slowly accepted help without feeling forced. For your mum, maybe suggest a ‘trial stay’ at the nursing home to visit her friend, framing it as a social break rather than a permanent move. Her garden will still be there if she wants to return. Small steps and patience made all the difference for us.

Allsorts

Tripsy, I can see you care very much for your mother and you are concerned for her well being. If she likes where she is and loves her garden, I wouldn't take her away from that. Susan made a good point, the light has gone out moms eyes but she is being cared for and safe. Engage a cleaner one day a week, make sure her freezer is full of food she will eat, so she gets one nourishing meal a day plus others she does herself.
I dread ending up with a lot of people I would never choose to be with, without my garden and hope to die before that is forced on me.

The comment re being "with a lot of people I would never choose to be with" is one that would resonate with a lot of people I would think.

I think a lot of people would find the thought quite horrifying of finding they'd landed up with a Resident Bossyboots that kept trying to get their own way regardless of others - eg somehow a communal tv always being tuned to what they personally wanted for instance or demanding all available "attention" from the staff and not leaving enough time/mindspace for other residents.

Then there might be a lot of other residents incapable of any meaningful conversation anyway (from dementia). Maybe worse being ones that were partway towards dementia - but not far enough that other people had no choice but to wake up and admit the person concerned has dementia (voice of experience - having one of them for an immediate neighbour at the moment - so she has enough lucid moments currently that she manages to convince those who wish to be convinced that she hasnt part way "lost it" - but she has....). A selfish "bossyboots" partway towards dementia taking over is not company anyone much would want to be near...

I've not forgotten someone I used to know taking me with her "by coincidence" (hmmm...) when she was visiting her husband in a carehome. I soon got what that was about - when I started reeling off safety hazards I'd spotted and was obviously horrified at all the residents sitting round in one big circle in a sitting room and all of them pretty "out of it" by the look of them. Cue for one long verbal analysis of everything wrong with it given by me and she moved him on to another home.

There are good ones out there (thinking of one my grandmother went in - aka my "aunt") - own personal en suite room, modern, next door library, next door doctors surgery, no restrictions I could spot and all I saw wrong with it was the cup of coffee they gave me was instant coffee. But, even there, I didnt spot anything I regarded as "sociable/good conversations going on/signs of outings arranged/etc".

I just wish you could see the wonderful care home where I volunteer. As well as the lovely en suite rooms, excellent food, beautiful amenities and truly gorgeous garden, the activities staff work hard organising activities to suit people on an individual basis. A huge variety of outings, visits, group type activities are arranged. It's a genuine pleasure to go there and see everyone. My name is down for a place there when the time comes.
I know I've mentioned this before but I remember being really struck by a comment from a new resident, 'I didn't know it could be like this.' He was enjoying a session in the sun room. He'd been struggling on his own for months and resisting admission. He's very happy now. I saw him chatting away at our VE day party yesterday.

Aveline the nursing home where I live is the same, my room
is en suite, I have a floor to ceiling window and a glass door which is facing a beautiful garden, garden furniture for my
guests come summer. The darling gardener calls with me regularly to discuss what she is planning for all the garden which surrounds the four residences, all separate, I live in nursing care, dementia residents have their own gardens where they can walk, separate residence from nursing home.
I can no longer work in garden so my room has many house plants, 17 at the moment, someone waters, repots , feeds them
for me.
When I can get back in my power chair I am going to the shops
about a mile away, with a carer in case I speed ! joke, if I want to buy I can’t use coins or card Hands too twisted .
Activities, Household, Kitchen, carers, nurses all great, I wanted a tea about 4.00am this morning so was given one and fingers
crossed will be going to the local pub this summer.

Glad to hear this Anniebach. Care homes get such a bad press but it seems no one wants to hear good news!

After my Dad died I looked after my Mum for 14 years. She loved her home and garden and I did everything possible to allow her to stay there as long as possible. We had a stair lift fitted and a wet room installed. I employed a cleaner for her and much later carers who came to get her up and showered for the day.

Aged 92 she had several falls and was not safe to be left then she was diagnosed with Alzheimers. Her last fall meant a 9 week hospital stay and we had no choice but to find a good care home. I looked at 14 homes before I found the right one and she loved it and they loved her. She knew it was the only choice and as dementia worsened she barely mentioned her home.

Aveline

I definitely want to go into a care home when the time comes. I don't want to burden my family with all the work and stress of trying to keep me at home with random carers coming and going.

Me too.
Having worked and still working in a care home I can say that tho they all differ as in some better for residents than others, it’s still preferable to being lonely and not being able to manage in your own home.