How to persuade my elderly mother about going in to a care home

Whitewavemark2

And the other thing I would like to add is that neither my sister nor I being retired had work to worry about.

And you lived nearby too which was a bonus.

We looked after my Mum between us but not in her own home as that wouldn't have been possible due to logistics. My brother and sister-in-law in particular were wonderful and I hope we did our share too.

It's really lovely to hear so many people saying how they have been so supported by their siblings.

Just that.
to you all.

Aveline

Say she needs a holiday and book a stay in the care home. Does it have a nice garden for her to enjoy?
I recently saw a tip on Facebook. It's not very nice but scatter dried black rice around and say you're worried she has mice and the house needs a deep clean. Not an ideal way to go about things but she'd most likely really enjoy the company at the care home.

Gosh really? You do those things?

Grammaretto

If she hates the idea, is there no alternative?
If someone is unhappy they will go downhill very quickly.

We tried mum in a home for respite care as all 3 of us were on holiday at the same time, and she liked the idea.

When we visited after a couple of weeks, she didn't recognise us at first and seemed traumatised. They were short staffed and no-one was nearby to be company for her. Neither nurses nor residents.
She was very relieved to get home, surrounded by her own things. She had carers 2 or 3 times a day.
She begged us never to leave her in a home again. So we didn't.
She lived a few more years and didn't have to go to a home or hospital.

Oh I can understand your situation and that people go downhill when away from their familiar surroundings. I think you were so kind to bring her back home.

BlueBelle

Oh goodness I d rather fall down the stairs and die than be palmed off to an old people’s home so I m your mum in a few years time
It’s a real hard one for you I do understand but the sneakiness of putting rice down and saying it’s mice is horrible and so dishonest I find that really nasty
Care homes are incredibly expensive Thousands a week and sometimes the care isn’t as you would like only on the surface

I would encourage at least a cleaner and perhaps a day club once or twice a week to start with again they are expensive but the elderly seem to really enjoy the one near me and it has lots of entertainment and company

Don’t take her away from her precious house and even more precious garden that’s her life

I'm with you all the way Bluebell. Yes so dishonest and sneaky to scatter black rice and say it's mouse droppings. The person who posted that cannot have any empathy or understanding of someone in that situation. Just awful to play tricks on someone. It should always be "nothing about you without you". If someone has no longer capacity then that might need more thought but never lying.

The person who posted that cannot have any empathy or understanding of someone in that situation.

They posted something from Facebook. They didn't do it.

As to the person who did apparently do it, we know nothing of their story.
It's easy to judge when we don't walk in someone's shoes.

NotSpaghetti

^The person who posted that cannot have any empathy or understanding of someone in that situation.^

They posted something from Facebook. They didn't do it.

As to the person who did apparently do it, we know nothing of their story.
It's easy to judge when we don't walk in someone's shoes.

It isn't judging. You cannot
Trick someone into doing something they do not want to do. No professional would agree to this or do such a thing. Put yourself in the shoes of the person who is at the centre of this. It's a terrible situation for all concerned but lying to a vulnerable person to trick them into doing something is morally and ethically wrong.

NotSpaghetti

^The person who posted that cannot have any empathy or understanding of someone in that situation.^

They posted something from Facebook. They didn't do it.

As to the person who did apparently do it, we know nothing of their story.
It's easy to judge when we don't walk in someone's shoes.

Yes, it was just an anecdote from Facebook.

No, of course, no professional would agree to this or do such a thing and neither would 99.9% of people.

Nobody is condoning tricking people but it's a fact that some things are done out of desperation....
Some people tell dangerous and confused drivers their car keys are missing for example.
Sometimes things are done out of love.

Working for an agency years ago I was sent to a terminally ill gypsy lady's house. Her DIL answered the door and we got chatting. She told me in their culture when the elderly parents are very ill or dying their DAC move in with them for a few weeks at a time. As the lady had 4 DAC each of them moved in with her with their spouse and children for 2 weeks each on a rota. The daughter or DIL would stay all day with the elderly relative, and sleep in the ill person's room at night, while husband went to work and children to school. She said in their culture they don't put elderly relatives in old people's homes.
I think a live in carer would be the best solution for your mother. It would be a lot cheaper than a care home, and give her companionship. Best wishes OP x

I’d rather kill myself than have to go in a care home.
Could you get someone to clean her house or you do it?
You say she loves her garden and what a shame for her to lose that.
She will be locked in and won’t be able to do as she pleases.
Please don’t say to her that she is going on “holiday” to a care home. That is too cruel.
It’s a tough one but think carefully before you do this as it will be on your conscience forever.

But she might be OK with a genuine respite for a couple of weeks whilst the house is blitzed maybe?

Anniebach

Mt61 you criticise nursing/care homes yet chose 3 for your
father , you thought them crap ?

I live in a private nursing home, staff are excellent, I chose to
move here , my elder daughter had died, my younger daughter lived a 10 hour train journeys to see me, she was so
worried, home carers were not as caring as the staff here.

Care homes are not only for old people !

You sound like one of the lucky ones, I am really pleased that you have settled in a lovely care home with very attentive staff- but not all homes are run like yours, unfortunately.
My dad had double incontinence, to my real annoyance he never got a bath, we asked every day, please could he have a bath or shower. He was left to wander around, unaided, pissed up to the eyeballs. unfortunately he had a couple of bad falls- even though I drummed it into the staff that he’s wasn’t to walk around without a zimmer frame.
Finally sent to hospital for being severely dehydrated, that he was sent to hospital- he was later discharged to another care home, equally as bad.
In the end we brought him home, he was a quiet, gentleman, no trouble. So begged for a hospital bed so that we could nurse him ourselves. He had an extra 18 happy months at home, watching his football & music. He sadly passed in his sleep peacefully.
I was so pleased we nursed him in the end.
Mum said she’s going to take a Cocktail of pills & alcohol first before she will go in a care home.

Mym mum told me that if Dad died first, she wanted to go into a care home. When he died, she went “ for a little rest” to try it out and loved it. No worries about shopping, housework, washing- she enjoyed the food and the company, even went on little outings. She had six good months there before she became ill and died.
Not all care homes are awful places.

Tripsy, I can see you care very much for your mother and you are concerned for her well being. If she likes where she is and loves her garden, I wouldn't take her away from that. Susan made a good point, the light has gone out moms eyes but she is being cared for and safe. Engage a cleaner one day a week, make sure her freezer is full of food she will eat, so she gets one nourishing meal a day plus others she does herself.
I dread ending up with a lot of people I would never choose to be with, without my garden and hope to die before that is forced on me.

A friend has recently shown me before and after photos of her Mum. It was hearbreaking to see the poor lady in the before pictures.
Now she has beautiful styled hair, wears lovely clothes, takes part in activities if she wishes and is in a much better place.

Not everybody has cooperative and kind siblings and not everybody lives on the doorstep.
I was horrified to discover that a private carer is not bound by any legislation or professional code and the CQC is not responsible.

Mum said she’s going to take a Cocktail of pills & alcohol first before she will go in a care home

Not helpful.

whywhywhy

I’d rather kill myself than have to go in a care home.
Could you get someone to clean her house or you do it?
You say she loves her garden and what a shame for her to lose that.
She will be locked in and won’t be able to do as she pleases.
Please don’t say to her that she is going on “holiday” to a care home. That is too cruel.
It’s a tough one but think carefully before you do this as it will be on your conscience forever.

That's how I see it too.

If her house is filthy - and you couldnt get someone in to clean it one way or another - then yeah....filthy is not good obviously. But if it's not actually harming her to be that way = does it ultimately matter? - ie you are applying your standards to her...but she isnt you and your standards only apply to you.

She may get a lot of pleasure out of watching plants grow and/or birds flying around or something. She will have put time/effort/money into getting it as much as possible as she wants it. Gardens take years and thousands of £s to get together (voice of experience time) - which I know because it took quite a bit of money and over 10 years of my time before I could think "Done...it's as together as I can manage to get it - and now I'm going to get the benefit of it at last...".

She maybe thinks like that. She's maybe got memories attached to each room and she sees past the dirt to those memories.

As one gets older then it does become the case that "You yourself are the only constant in your life - and one can at least preserve one's own personal little environment to be another constant (bar some darn bad neighbour or developer getting their hands on the view beyond your garden).

CariadAgain, I do like the way you write . I also agreewith you

I have thought about the OP for a few days now. Firstly, I am going to be blunt: there is a lot of wishful thinking and nonsense, frankly, in some of the responses. Look again at the total contradiction within the first two sentences of the second paragraph. The garden WAS her life; I think there is a new reality now with other priorities.
I lost my mother to dementia and some of the description in the OP Iis similar to my experiences,
.And for what it is worth the dementia care home she spent her last year in was brilliant. It is harmful I think to make sweeping statements.
Apologies if I have upset anyone.

My MIL was 90 and lived 3 hours away from us , we asked her if she would like to live with us but she said no, when she was with us for a weekend she started talking about residential homes in the area and thought she might like to have a look at a few , the first one we saw she really liked and it was 10 minutes walk from our house , she moved in a few weeks later and lived happily there for 4 years, she said what she liked the most was there was always someone to talk to. My mother is 96 in a few days , she is very independent and has always said she would never go in a home and would rather kill herself .

Marmin

I have thought about the OP for a few days now. Firstly, I am going to be blunt: there is a lot of wishful thinking and nonsense, frankly, in some of the responses. Look again at the total contradiction within the first two sentences of the second paragraph. The garden WAS her life; I think there is a new reality now with other priorities.
I lost my mother to dementia and some of the description in the OP Iis similar to my experiences,
.And for what it is worth the dementia care home she spent her last year in was brilliant. It is harmful I think to make sweeping statements.
Apologies if I have upset anyone.

I think most of us have been through the ageing process with our own parents and other relatives so we are speaking from experience and it is not wishful thinking and nonsense. Now, for many of us, it's our turn.

Neither of our mothers went into a care home although both needed help from carers and family. An Aunt and my SisIL, on the other hand, managed at home until their dementia became such that a home became necessary.

Mum is becoming more and more confused and it is now becoming difficult to have a meaningful conversation with her, which is a great worry.
tripsy, the first thing you need to do is to make a GP appointment for your mother. It may be that she is developing a form of dementia or it could be that an infection could be causing this, such as one UTI after another. When it's established what is causing the confusion you can decide the best course of action.

Would it be possible to persuade her to let a cleaning team come into the house to do a deep clean for a start, rather than a weekly cleaner? Perhaps chat to her friend in the care home, she might listen to her and make up her own mind rather than feel she's being pushed into something she doesn't want to do.

lafergar

*Mum said she’s going to take a Cocktail of pills & alcohol first before she will go in a care home*

Not helpful.

That’s my mum’s view & that is up to her, but whilst I have breath in my body she will always be well looked after. Hopefully she won’t ever be in that position.

My poor MiL was desperate to go into a care home. She was very sociable loved being in hospital after a fall. I visited several and found a nice one and it was all set up. However, her GP said she should stay in her own home as 'community care was best.' Well there followed three miserable years. We went in morning and evening and employed carers to visit each day. That really didn't help at all. An ever changing personnel of all backgrounds and no training (as far as we could see). She was mortified when a big Nigerian man turned up to bathe her one day. As I said before finding good carers can be very difficult indeed and opens doors to all sorts of other problems. If only she'd been allowed to go to the care home. If only we'd not allowed the GP to override her wishes.

My mother had dementia and I did my best with help from my husband. A nurse helped us. One day my mother burnt the kettle so she rummaged round and found an old electric kettle and put it on the gas stove. I phoned the nurse for help and he said very firmly 'Get the gas board to disconnect her stove and do it today'.
Shortly afterwards I was sitting next to my husband with tears dripping off my chin and he said 'it is your mum or me'.
One of the neighbours was a hairdresser who goes round homes and she recommended one and it was excellent with lovely food.
After a while mum would ask 'when am I going home'. I would ask if the doctor had said she could go home (she hadn't seen one). I then asked if she had her key safe and she would take ages to find it in her purse. Then I would say 'that's good. as soon as the doctor says you can go home, you'll have your key'
Sadly, the house had been sold to pay for her care.