How to persuade my elderly mother about going in to a care home

My mother was adamant that she would never go into a home - but as I say, the decision was taken out of our hands when things came to a crisis. If she hadn't finally agreed to go into the psychiatric hospital voluntarily, they would have committed her as she'd become a danger to herself. Even then, she made threats about taking her own life rather than go from hospital to a nursing home. It was horrendous for me to see her like that.

Having been through this with my own mum my suggestion would be that you first check what type of care is suitable for your mum. Nursing homes are generally for those needing actual nursing support as opposed to support with living, other alternatives are residential care or supported living which might suit your mum better. Supported living usually offers your own private apartment or bungalow, sometimes with a garden, your mum can live her own life but have people on hand to help her with everyday tasks whilst enabling her to continue to do all that she can herself which prolongs mobility and mental abilities. It's a horrible decision to have to make, my mum was in supported living for 2 years but needed residential care in her final year,she hated the residential care as she was very independently minded. Hope you can find a solution that suits your mum and gives you peace of mind.

lafergar, my mum went into nursing residential care for assessment after finding she couldn’t get out of bed. She was heart broken and nothing we said could convince her we hadn’t ’put me in a home’.
She died 6 weeks later. I’m not blaming the care she had, she was coming to the end of her life and we could no longer keep her safe at home.
I’m with BlueBelle - leave me at home - I’d hate residential care no matter how good it was.

I don't think your mother is ready to be put in a home yet.
Wait until she is beyond caring!
She needs her garden, her happy place. If it's filthy, who is going to mind?
My mum paid a cleaning company - 2 cheery young men -to blitz the flat twice a month so it was nice and clean.
Would this be possible with an attendance allowance?

Oh goodness I d rather fall down the stairs and die than be palmed off to an old people’s home so I m your mum in a few years time

The lady in question is old, very old and struggling.

I do wish there was less drama and emotive language around care. My mother wailed about me " trying to put her in a home" I wasn't. When she eventually went there after years of misery, guess what, she liked it.

OP, consider your own wellbeing in all this.

Aveline

I remember discussing with my mother that it would be better for her to take the decision for herself than wait for a crisis to take away her choice.
At the care home where I volunteer, people often arrive feeling apprehensive but soon settle and enjoy the company,care, food etc but also the freedom from worrying about bills at home, repairs, shopping etc.

We had exactly the same talk with my inlaws. Fortunately, they did agree and were able to go into a care home together, which was their main priority - after 70 years of marriage, they were adamant they didn't want to be parted, which could well have happened if a crisis had arisen. With my own mother, there was no choice - a crisis did arise and things were taken out of our hands.

“ If it were a safety issue, that is something different but it seems to be your inconvenience more than hers.”

I think that’s a bit harsh Macadia. Tripsyg says that her mum is getting too confused to hold a conversation so safety must be a worry.

Can you start by persuading mum that to help keep her in her own home, the time has come to have a some help. A gardener to do heavy work alongside her and someone to come in to help clean/wash bedding and cook a meal?
My mum was fiercely independent, we were run ragged going morning and evening, taking her shopping etc. we managed to,persuade her to have a dog Walker in the morning, who would cook mum breakfast and make sure she took her meds. It worked

We had a crisis with my mum last September when she was 92 which resulted in her going into a care home.We had no choice.

She had a weekly cleaner and gardener so there were no issues with the house.She was also good with her personal care.

The home is lovely, she looks cared for and the staff are lovely too.However the light has gone from her eyes.I would love for her to still be at home pottering in her garden and chatting to her friends and neighbours.

I would do everything you can to let her stay in her home.If you contact Social Services and she is allocated a social worker they will offer ways to support her.

Her garden is her life.

I know it is worrying for all the family but she needs to be at home. Take away her garden and you take away her life.

You just have to hope that she might gradually accept some help on the home.

There are schemes where younger people are matched with older people in large houses. They get cheap accommodation in exchange for cleaning and companionship. Ask your local authority.

I remember discussing with my mother that it would be better for her to take the decision for herself than wait for a crisis to take away her choice.
At the care home where I volunteer, people often arrive feeling apprehensive but soon settle and enjoy the company,care, food etc but also the freedom from worrying about bills at home, repairs, shopping etc.

She just needs a roomate

I don’t think this is the answer! The lady in question is nearly 90, not a student!

Elowen33

I would point out ways that she is not coping and suggest she either has full time carers or goes to live in the home where her friend is.

I would not say this any of that at all. She is happy where she is. She just needs a roommate or more help with house maintenance. If it were a safety issue, that is something different but it seems to be your inconvenience more than hers.

I would try to get your Mum Attendance Allowance. This would enable her to pay for a 'personal helper'. My aunt is 87 and has a very nice man come to clean thoroughly for her once a fortnight. She pays him £27 per hour.

Attendance Allowance is not means tested, but the person must need some form of 'personal care'. Age UK help with the very long forms!

Oh goodness I d rather fall down the stairs and die than be palmed off to an old people’s home so I m your mum in a few years time
It’s a real hard one for you I do understand but the sneakiness of putting rice down and saying it’s mice is horrible and so dishonest I find that really nasty
Care homes are incredibly expensive Thousands a week and sometimes the care isn’t as you would like only on the surface

I would encourage at least a cleaner and perhaps a day club once or twice a week to start with again they are expensive but the elderly seem to really enjoy the one near me and it has lots of entertainment and company

Don’t take her away from her precious house and even more precious garden that’s her life

If she hates the idea, is there no alternative?
If someone is unhappy they will go downhill very quickly.

We tried mum in a home for respite care as all 3 of us were on holiday at the same time, and she liked the idea.

When we visited after a couple of weeks, she didn't recognise us at first and seemed traumatised. They were short staffed and no-one was nearby to be company for her. Neither nurses nor residents.
She was very relieved to get home, surrounded by her own things. She had carers 2 or 3 times a day.
She begged us never to leave her in a home again. So we didn't.
She lived a few more years and didn't have to go to a home or hospital.

I would point out ways that she is not coping and suggest she either has full time carers or goes to live in the home where her friend is.

Thank you all so much for your kind advice and suggestions. I am driving up to see Mum this weekend, so it has been such a help to receive your thoughts before I go.

Maybe a joint visit to see the friend already in residence and then general conversations slipping in the things she would enjoy happening in the home over the Summer. Maybe they have a Summer garden party you could go to?

Is there a garden there? Perhaps she could meet the gardener with a view to getting involved with that? Spring with Summer fast approaching isn’t the best time to move a gardener but you could do a lot of thinking positively around the idea before a possible move in, say, November.

If you find the magic way please share it. My mum absolutely refuses to move though she does have carers going in now!

You aren't alone on this. My dear mum ha a fall and that is what it took for my sister and I to push the issue. Like yours our mum was fiercely independent and we were advised that it really must be her decision. I would start to broach the subject gently and talk about all the positives she can experience. I would also obtain brochures for local care homes and have her be a part of the decision. It can make it easier to have mum make the choice herself. Perhaps there are care homes that have facilities for things she enjoys like gardening. It is very difficult and I wish you well.

It’s a difficult one. Has she ever mentioned the home, does she visit her friend in there. That could be a starting point, suggest you both go along and visit her friend, if it goes well it could become a regular thing, you would then be able to broach the subject more easily.
My mum at 91 wouldn’t agree to a home, she had four carer visits a day. It was only when she became confused one night one of her neighbours called an ambulance, she was in hospital a couple of weeks. I said I didn’t want mum go back home it was too dangerous for her, the social worker eventually agreed, mum relented much to my surprise.
She sadly passed away 6 months later aged 92.

Say she needs a holiday and book a stay in the care home. Does it have a nice garden for her to enjoy?
I recently saw a tip on Facebook. It's not very nice but scatter dried black rice around and say you're worried she has mice and the house needs a deep clean. Not an ideal way to go about things but she'd most likely really enjoy the company at the care home.

What a difficult situation, have you mentioned it at all? Would her friend be encouraging?

A weeks trial perhaps?