I’m normally a see it from all sides kind of person so finding my feelings on this advice very hard.

Granniesunite, my mum did the same for my chronically ill dad, she nursed him for twenty years and even when he developed vascular dementia, she nursed him at home, until he died. She did it because she was his wife.
Keep doing what is best for you and your husband. Take care.💐

Granniesunite love for the other half of yourself is worth all the heart ache. Together you make a whole . I know it's hard but I look at it this way . Some people live their whole lives and never find the other half of themselves. But we did . Your husband may forget you but he won't forget love.

My husband died from cancer aged 47 in 2004 but he is still my husband. When my mom's dementia killed her but her body lived even all what I went through we her . She still told me everyday she loved me even though she called me mom and I believed her.

Love for your husband will get you through everyday. He is still the man you know he's still there but lost. And you know deep down all the things he would say to you . And in your darkest moments remember all the funny ,stupid things he did and it will make you smile. And with your family help them remember those times to. 🌹🌹

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Gransnet at its best.💐💐💐

After a difficult day today I have to say I’m a very washed out wife/ carer but content that my husband is comfortable and our family are all around us.

What more do we need at times like these but love and support from those we love.

You are correct Monica. we care for those we love. For me being a wife and and carer never separates - the roles are intertwined.

Where does being a wife and being a carer seperate. DH does not have dementia but he does have quite severe heart problems.

In this hot weather I have been caring for him by making sure he keeps in the cool, has lots of drinks and other measures to stop any strain on his heart, but isn't that something you would do for anyone you loved?

Keeping quiet I fee1 must disagree with you. I am first and foremost a wife , I am also his carer. My lovely man has Alzheimers Disease and although not in the latter stages , life has become complicated. He is often unable to recall recent conversations , has distorted ideas about people he knows not liking him and his short term memory is very poor. I deal with these situations with care therefore I am his carer. I need that title and want others to recognise it too!
Being my husbands carer does not diminish my role as his wife. We have been married for 51 years and it breaks my heart to see him in this position.
Being a carer is something to be proud of, not a situation that diminishes our relationship as husband and wife. I am under no illusion as to what the future has in store for us and if being recognised as his carer gives me strength and support - so be it! People do say " I am not his carer I am his wife" That is a view I respect but for me I don't think so!!!! Of course I am his carer. If we think about it all sound relationships are caring relationships! Being a carer in my position is something to be proud of.

Ignore your friend you’re doing very well It works both ways and each is right for different situations
My Nan with dementia came to live with me and I looked after her until she died three years later it was hard going with three young children as well but not impossible
With mum and dad ….. when my Mum got Alzheimer’s my dad tried so hard to help mum but she was fiercely independent and couldn’t accept any help so it all got so fraught and upsetting Mum was getting up in the night trying to cook meals so Dad was getting no sleep then he got taken into hospital with exhaustion and a breakdown I was working full time helping with two young bereaved grandchildren and visiting mum and dad to help everyday, there weren’t enough hours in the day
We really had no choice but to find a care home for mum it has played on my mind ever since

You can never feel right about this awful illness whichever way you go
You are doing what sounds like a brilliant job

Ridiculous[though appreciate I have not been in this position].

A wife and husband are carers of each other.
They are not sepearate. In good times or in bad.

Being a selfish person is now looked on as being a good thing. It is not. Never has been. And never will.

Of course you are his wife and and always will be. I fully understand your desire to have your DH at home with you, however if the time does come when residential care is necessary please never feel you have let him down . My lovely Mum lived with us for 3 years and I had no intention of finding residential care for her, however without going into too much detail life became extremely difficult! and we had to find a good care home for her.This gave me back some control of my life. On visits I could stay with her for a long period or take her out to a cafe. If she was having a bad day nothing I did or said improved the situation, so I could leave for home.
I fully recognise the fact you care for your DH - so different from a parent.
My DH has Alzheimers Disease although he is not in the latter stages. I am under no illusion about the future but if his behaviour is anything like my Mums I can not be sure he will remain at home.
Time will tel1! It will be a sad end to our marriage, we celebrate 51 years of marrisgethis weekend! He is my everything .
I wish you well , you must follow your thoughts abd not be influenced by others. Whatever happens you must look after yourself , whereever your husband is he will benefit from your sound emotional and physical health.
Good luck. 🌹🏵

I haven’t had time to read all the replies, so if I am repeating what has already been said, I’m sorry.
My take on this is:-
You are his wife, no matter what. If part of that includes caring for him, well, isn’t that what any loving wife would do? In my case, it didn’t come to it, he died before I was needed, but I would have cared for my late husband for as long as I could,at home if I could.

The difference is:-
A carer does it because they are paid to.
A wife does it because she is his wife and she loves him.

There is a big difference. You are definitely and indubitably his wife!
Carry on doing what you feel is right for the both of you. Ignore well meaning friends. They aren’t going through what you are going through.
If, in the end, it is necessary to put him in a home, well, you have done everything in your power to avoid that, but sometimes you can only do so much.
Be guided by your instinct and how well you know your husband. 💐

Some people can be guaranteed to make trite remarks like an ansaphone message because they have trite ansaphone minds.

Treat them like an ansaphone - do not give them a thought once they have stopped speaking

You don’t have to see it from both sides Granniesunite.
Seeing things from both sides applies to two people having a dispute or argument.
Your friend made a remark that in my view,. at the very least, was insensitive and out of order and if someone said that to me, if I were in your situation. I’d be beyond angry.
Of course you’re his wife. Why can’t you be your husband’s carer and his wife? I have at least one friend who is exactly that for her DH.
What happened to in sickness and in health and till death us do part?
You’re doing your very best for your husband and that’s all you have to do.
My best wishes to you.

Granniesunite, your friend, as you said, was well meaning, if very insensitive. Of course you will always be his wife. You sound to have been managing it all really well. You have good practical support and love and resilience with you.
Wishing you the very best xx

Perhaps pray to accept her opinion as well meant.

Continue on as you and your darling husband wish.

I had my mom live with me the last 18 months of her life she had cancer but also had dementia. I couldn't put her in a home and knew I could look after her better myself. And I did look after her on my own. Even when the dementia got worse and she forgot how to wash her face,arm pits and brush her teeth. She could do it but had to talk her through how to do it. When I couldn't let her downstairs anymore. I had a pressure mattress and blow up boots to protect her skin and a commode.

I am proud of the fact my mom never had a sore on her body. I made sure of that . When my mom died 4 months before her body and the first time she bite me I was shocked and knew she would do more. But it wasn't out of malice she attacked me but FEAR mom would go to sleep and wake up not knowing who she was ,where or who I was. She thought I was her mom . Even after a violent outburst she would tell me she loved me . My mom never swore unless it was bloody I didn't know she knew the words she used. The lucid moments got shorter . But still I looked after her.

Dementia took everything from my mom expect she always knew when she needed the commode. Her greatest fear her adult life was to wet the bed but mom never wet or soiled herself. When she came to live with me she insisted on wearing a pad but I only used a thick tena lady .
Before the violence she did threaten to throw herself down the stairs I said ok but I won't pick her up so she said I won't then.

When mom died but her body lived I hoped ever morning she had died in her sleep. But my mom would have hated what she became ..

Only you can know what you can cope with and it's not easy and after mom died it took me a year to remember my mom how she was before the violence.

The Wednesday before she died she said mom can we cuddle and I will sing the songs dad taught me . For a hour she was my mom and that's a memory I cherish.

My children didn't want me to look after mom . But I knew what happened to some people who put their parents in homes . The sores they had and falls .

My mom didn't fall or have the sores. But she did have a big bruise on her forehead . I had a bed bar so she wouldn't fall out of bed and padded it with pillows. One day she smiled at me and quick as a flash moved the pillows and hit her head on the bar . Told she the police would put me in prison . That is what looking after someone with dementia is like .

I phoned the doctor to tell her so it was recorded on moms notes.

We all have to decide how much heart ache we can take . But I am glad I looked after my mom even though it cost me healthwise. And would do it all again .

Yes I became my mom's carer but I was still her daughter.

I had nursed my husband until he died from cancer but I was always his wife and he was my husband and still is . Just because you become a carer doesn't mean you loss the relationship you have with your loved one . I didn't with my dad when I looked after him with my mom 10 years she died.

I agree- ignore this comment.

I know someone who refers to his wife as his 'carer' but she isn't, she is his wife.

Let people think what they think- you do what you can and ignore this silly woman.

She obviously meant well but you must do as you wish regarding caring for your husband. If he is safe, comfortable and his needs are being met surely there’s nothing to be gained by moving him, in fact it could have a detrimental effect on him.
Naturally Granniesunite, do try to have a little time to yourself but otherwise it sounds as though you’re doing an amazing thing for your DH. Keeping you in my thoughts 💐 Stay strong

So long as you have got enough help to cope without it becoming too much for you, then stay as you are.

You say she's a ^very well meaning friend^Granniesunite so it's very unlikey that she meant it as criticism or a judgement, so put it out of your mind and keep on being the caring and loving wife, you clearly are .

Just ignore her. She's ignorant.
It's none of her business.
You don't have to justify your decisions to her or anyone.
I find some people do opine in this way. It's patronising and stupid. They assume they know better and can interfere telling you what to do in the most personal family matters.

Elowen33

Most people give advice relating what they would do in the circumstances.

You must do what is best for the both of you, you seem to be coping and your husband is being cared for in the way that you both want, other peoples opinions are irrelevant even if they are well meaning.

This! x

Some peoples notions of being a spouse do not include dealing with intimate care needs even if they have had children and will have performed at least some of these duties as a parent through childhood ailments and possibly also cared for an elder relative similarly.

I find this hard to understand in some ways personally, but I am not there yet and I can well imagine the trauma of nursing or even just witnessing the progress of a terminal illness at home, for someone who was once before they were anything else to us our lovers.

Couple any infirmity with any type of dementia together and there is the affect on the spouse as carer/nurse and their own physical stamina and mental resilience to be considered when coming to a humane decision.

I am sure the comment was meant well and your friend may have been concerned for you because caring for someone with dementia is not easy.
If some of the personal care can be done by others it takes some of the weight of day to day personal care, from the shoulders of the carer it leaves more quality time for the family to spend together. I hope you are not cross with her also that
you are getting enough help.

I looked after my husband at home until he died - with help as you are doing and there was never a moment when I didn’t consider him to be my husband and that I was his wife. Who else would I care for in that way?!

It was one of those trite “sound bites” that people hear and then repeat without any thought. I’m afraid you might hear lots of them in the future, from all kinds of people.

I hope you are able to continue to care for your husband as you wish and that you get the support to enable you to do so💐

Freya5

Granniesunite

I’ve been caring for my husband for over six years. He has Alzhimers and now is entering the last stages of his illness. It has been very difficult but I’ve coped well. I think.

I’m getting lots of well meaning advice from friends and family about what I now should do re his final months but my decision is to keep him at home with help from care company district nurses and myself not residential care or hospital. GP and nurses happy with that as he is very quiet and calm.

Last night a very well meaning friend said to me that letting go and getting residentially care would allow me to be his wife again and not his carer

This remark has upset so much it has kept me awake all night as I’ve always felt I was his wife. It has had such a negative effect on me I can’t quite rationalised it and move on.

I know it’s a quote from Marie Curie and I have enormous respect for the work they do.

How do I forget it and move on.

You are still his wife, you I'm sure are doing a wonderful thing. Being a caring loving wife, in sickness and in health. If you're getting good support, take no notice of what others say, trying to be helpful, but not being so. Best wishes.

I agree with what Freya5 says and I’m glad to see that you now feel better Granniesunite