I’m normally a see it from all sides kind of person so finding my feelings on this advice very hard.

Granniesunite

I’ve been caring for my husband for over six years. He has Alzhimers and now is entering the last stages of his illness. It has been very difficult but I’ve coped well. I think.

I’m getting lots of well meaning advice from friends and family about what I now should do re his final months but my decision is to keep him at home with help from care company district nurses and myself not residential care or hospital. GP and nurses happy with that as he is very quiet and calm.

Last night a very well meaning friend said to me that letting go and getting residentially care would allow me to be his wife again and not his carer

This remark has upset so much it has kept me awake all night as I’ve always felt I was his wife. It has had such a negative effect on me I can’t quite rationalised it and move on.

I know it’s a quote from Marie Curie and I have enormous respect for the work they do.

How do I forget it and move on.

You are still his wife, you I'm sure are doing a wonderful thing. Being a caring loving wife, in sickness and in health. If you're getting good support, take no notice of what others say, trying to be helpful, but not being so. Best wishes.

...my decision is to keep him at home with help from care company district nurses and myself not residential care or hospital. GP and nurses happy with that as he is very quiet and calm.

That's exactly the situation my Dad was in when Mum was dying with Alzheimer's.

We visited when we could but we were four hours away and both working full time.

When Mum reached the last stage where she wouldn't drink fluids she became very dehydrated and couldn't stand.

Her GP explained that she could be strapped to a stretcher, carried downstairs, taken in an ambulance to hospital and put on a drip.
That would have given her at most another three weeks of life.

The alternative was to keep her at home, in her own bed, comfortable clean and warm with Dad, who she still knew, sitting by her.
Without any further medical intervention she would die within the week.

Dad wanted to keep her at home, we all agreed, her GP increased the support help visits.

Mum died peacefully in her own bed three days later, ironically when Dad had popped downstairs to make himself a cup of tea!

We have no regrets whatsoever about keeping her at home.
Mum maintained her dignity and had a peaceful, comfortable death.

Granniesunite if you want to keep your husband at home and you have a good support network, then don't listen to people who haven't got the imagination to see that this is what is right for you and your husband.

Very best wishes xx

We looked after mum at home until the end, though she sadly did die in hospital because she fell and broke her pelvis.
A wife promises to look after her spouse till death them do part - and that's what you're doing - keeping your vow.
What a load of nonsense your friend is spouting, your husband is enormously lucky you have the temperament to cope with him, and her remark was cruel and thoughtless.
If you do have to let go eventually and let him go to residential care you will know you've done your honest best for him. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty, you are a star.
All strength to you! XX

Thank you so much for your replies.

I am doing what I think is best for the both of us and hard though these times are I’m doing it because I am his wife.

That’s my response from now on so grateful to you all.

Off now to get on with caring for my husband feeling a lot lighter! 💐

My mother would agree with you - she nursed my father at home for eight years. He was finally taken to hospital just before he died. She would say 'I nursed my husband at home because I was his wife.

It was likely a throw away remark...she had heard it somewhere and relayed it to you....she's now forgotten she even said it.
You make choices that are right for you ....don't even give it anymore head space .... hard times but they are your hard times...no one else's 🌻

Most people give advice relating what they would do in the circumstances.

You must do what is best for the both of you, you seem to be coping and your husband is being cared for in the way that you both want, other peoples opinions are irrelevant even if they are well meaning.

She did mean well I guess - so it's probably best to say "Thanks for the concern - but my decision is different on this". It was doubtless just a one-off (meant to be helpful) comment.

But you do you and, if what you want is keeping him at home and it's possible to do so = that's what you do.