Change of Care Home Issues

Seriously, I know it’s not ideal but care homes and care staff are used to inappropriate comments and behaviours, it’s part of the job. Try not to worry about it!

Personally, I would go and see the Manager and explain about potential racists comments that your mum might make. Stress that this is totally out of character for your mum and you want the staff to know that she is upset with the move and needs time to settle……she is responding to change in the only way she can really, by being nasty tempered. This will surely pass, and I hope it does. My own dad and mum became quite nasty when they were unwell and confused and I had to apologise to many nurses, doctors and consultants…….they were fine about it all and completely understood.
It is early days in the new environment and if she immobile and experiences pain this will only serve to exacerbate matters.
Try to explain things to your brother, he would be unreasonable to cease visiting because of this. Help him to understand that his dear mum is confused, distressed and is acting out of character.
I sincerely hope she settles in her new place 💐

MOving is very traumatic for an elderly person - I think you need to give it lots of time for her to settle.

I am sorry your brother is trying to cop out. WE have responsibilities to our relatives even when they do not behave as we might wish.

My late OH was terrified of the non-UK carers - he thought one was a Russian spy! - she was actually a Bulgarian student.

It’s still very early days and sounds like it might just be normal anxiety about moving. I do understand how difficult this is for you though. Enjoy your holiday and try to put it to the back of your mind x

Whiff

Bumble has your mom been tested for a UTI ? I found with my mom even thought she had dementia if she had an UTI her behaviour got worse . An untreated UTI or kidney infection can cause older people to be confused and irrational. Not saying that's your mom . Just going by my own experience of my mom living with for the last 18 months of her life she had cancer and dementia. Dementia killed my mom 4 months before her body died.

When my mother in law went into hospital I always told staff her urine needed testing daily as she got regular UTIs . One day went and she was more vile than normal ,shouting and abusive to staff. Yep they hadn't checked her urine for 2 days she had an UTI which turned into a kidney infection .

Both my mom and mother in law never said if it hurt to urinate.

Just an idea .

My mother's UTI was treated as dementia by the doc, who actually patted her head in my presence. I told him that she would have given him a real dressing down if she was OK.

It is a vicious circle, where if she is not getting enough to drink because she does not have the cognitive ability to feel thirsty, she will not drink enough to clear her mind.

I read a report that identified that UTI confusion is often mistaken for "getting old". If this is unusual behaviour it is worth checking - be persistent.
However, it is possible that she has deteriorated but it has been masked by the lack of attention that she was getting and the fact that she was in long term familiar surroundings.

PS: get her eyes and hearing checked.

Thank you for coming back, it’s still early days although it doesn’t feel like that to you!
Enjoy your holiday, its well deserved.

I agree with many who have said a move is a big upheaval, getting used to a new environment and staff has obviously had an impact on your mum. I wouldn't worry about racist/fat shaming or other inappropriate comments about others appearances. I am sure care staff are used to things like that and as part of training are taught to expect it. It sounds like you are a good daughter, with all the usual guilt about decisions you make but it's better to try and build a relationship with the care home yourself, than worry about your mum. She's going to be OK.

Hi so pleased your mum has made a friend, I so wanted this for my mum but it never happened, she once took a liking to one of the men but he was very rude to her, and wouldn’t entertain friendship.
I’m sure your mum will ring you while your away over something or other, my mum didn’t have a phone, but if she was unhappy about something she would insist one of the carers rang me, sometimes late at night, i was never able to resolve the problem, but she still insisted.
Your mum is a good age, it could be the start of dementia, or it could still be the change that's upsetting her, time will tell.
I hope you have a lovely peaceful holiday. Try and relax I know it’s not easy.

Hello everyone, thank you all for your words of advice. This week hasn't been any easier really. There have been some days that are better than others, but overall not great.
My brother hasn't visited for over a week, although he is going tomorrow. After speaking to the home Manager, they have connected her phone to the staff WiFi so calling is much easier now. That being said we had an episode today when she turned her phone off after a call as "she got confused". But... she knew she had turned it off. She is struggling with the smart phone so we will have to get an alternative.
We've had no more racist comments - she says there are staff who are rude to her, but we never see these staff, it appears they only work nights.
She's had another bath this week and seen the GP (she didn't want me there). All was okay apparently. I will investigate the UTI thing though. She's also been to see a singing duo and made a friend - another lady who is very unhappy there and doesn't get many visits it appears.
She is ringing me if she can't find something, 8.15 pm on Thursday because she couldn't find her pain relieving gel (someone has put it in the bathroom apparently). She wanted me to go over (it's a two mile walk, I don't drive). I said you must ask the carers to look for it, they would not appreciate me rocking up at 9 pm to look for a tube of cream.
She has said today that she doesn't want me to ring when I'm away, so I won't. I suspect she wanted me to say don't be silly of course I'll ring, but I didn't. I can't every imagine being like that with my kids, I would always want them to contact me, but who knows. I'm not sure if that will be thrown back in my face at some stage, you didn't ring me for a week when you were away, very likely.
I'm not sure now if we are looking a dementia or if it's her normal self just magnified 100%.

‘£900 per week cheaper’
‘Hasn’t had a bath in 6 months’
Lots of things there to pick up on, but my immediate takeaway:
I’m 74
I’m stockpiling pills NOW 😟

I'd expect other signs of dementia as well if that's the cause. Don't think it often starts with shouting and rudeness. Agree don't go so often and remember that the staff are used to people feeling angry.

Sorry Madeleine, but I have to disagree with your way to treat a person who may be suffering with the grief of losing her independence and/or dementia. The staff will practice a retreat and return but without making her feel like she is a child. It will just make Mum more helpless and confused. I think it is perfectly acceptable to ask them to be nice when you are there, maybe walk down to their room to give them space and cope with feelings of your embarrassment. To withhold visits or just leave Mum sitting there without a proper goodbye, that is punishing someone who may not be able to help their behaviour. Furthermore, when you leave it for a time before you return with little explanation, if they are suffering with dementia, they won't remember why they are in trouble.

So , I think it would be good to look at the different aspects and work out what might be helpful and what would not. Firstly, we all struggle with a move, whether we have chosen it ourselves or not. We get very stressed and anxious about many things, and I think that as we get older, routines are often cheering and help us to relax. We are the people we have always been but maybe with less strength and find things an effort. It is extremely exasparating to be unable to get things put where you want etc, so that frustration can turn to anger and you can start ranting as no one is paying attention to y our situation and you could scream for annoyance. I am now 80 and have to begrudginly admit to myself that though I can drive with the same ability as previously, changing a wheel and even trying to get the nuts from a tyre when they have been tightened by manchine!!! So try to just coast through the next few weeks, dont try to explain or apologise too much, just deal with each situation as it arises.

Then the very important thing right now is that this is combined with your worries as to whether you have done the right thing, your embarrasment at her racist comments etc. You feel you must do the best for your mother. Well the most important thing you can do is to keep your health and strength, and dont allow her to take over your life. So go away on your holiday, tell your immature brother that he is responsible to keep in touch with her and only let you know if there is a sudden illness or whatever. Realize that having a good break and a rest is the best way you can then cope with the everyday routines. So do your best not to constantly think of her while you are away. I was given a good idea by a phycologist when I was in the middle of something similar, being the eldest child and feeling it was all on my shoulders. She said to take a specific time, not near bedtime, and often it is good to be doing something physical at the same time, so I tended to cook lunch whilst thing these things through. So whatever she says or does that worries and upsets you, when these thoughts come in your mind, tell yoursel firmly that now is not the time to think about it and you will concentrate at 12 noon or whatever. So you are not dismissing anything and you will take care in what you do, but by simply giving those thoughts a timetable, it should allow you to think of other things than this situation.

Then if possible have a concerted effort with your brother too, and firmly tell her if she makes either racist remarks or insults about staff etc, you will get up and go immediately. So you do not try and argue with her, but as you would a child you have set boundaries. to. If she has dementia she may not be able to understand the ruling well, but if these things happen, you simply collect your things, say nothing except Goodbye mother, and leave. So you are not escalating the upset for her or you, but you show your limits and simply going away denies her any change to continue to talk to you in an unpleasant way. If she is capable of rational thought she will soon realize that she cannot behave in this way and expect you to put up with it. You might just go away and then come back at the next time that yo usually do. However, if y ou feel she is aware of what she is doing and doing it delibarately then again get up and go and DONT go the next time she expects you. That way for each occasion you get a rest from seeing her, which can be good for you, and she is shown that she will not stir it or cause you any upset or you will just leave. NEVER argue the toss about it, just stick to your guns and carry on. If she then moans at you for not visiting one day, you just look at her and say, " Well that is entirely up to you of course!! Dont enter any further discussion, but stick to your guns. This can be a win/win situation. You have her now in a new place, where new patterns of behaviour and attitude are needed. You need to think what YOU nned in order to make your life bearable, then think things through and decide which days would suit you to visit, and notice if one day contains more things she doesnt like than others, Once you have worked out how to go on from your point of view, meet up in person with your brother. Inform him very calmly, without raising your voice or anything, that you will be away such and such a week and it is up to him to visit your mother and only get in touch with you for any serous illness. Then dont commit totally, but when you have had your holiday, you might say you are going to see your mother every other day or whatever, and that he is expected to cover the other days.

I am sure that you will feel calmer and more in control of your life by facing things and working out what you want to do, rather than being presented with a fete accompli,

I have moved 19 times as an adult and about 6 as a child. I have moved abroad, and once went out to Syria with a two year old, which was quite tough, I can assure you!! So if you try to change your mind set , and see that you have every right to work out what you can and cant do . Then you will not only feel more competent and relaxed, once you have made up your mind.

When you have made up your mind, the body language can often stop arguments, and when your mother sees that what she does, no longer causes upset and worry, she can stop playing games with you. No discussion is the name of the game and the minute she swears or is racist or does anything that she would not habe done if the ice cream van was there etv.

So do hope this gives you some ideas and do let me know what you decided to do. Remember"I am not my mothers keeper?". If she has been getting more obnoxvious then f neessary step oout for a vcouple of minutes and then calm down , help to get the broken Dont whatever you do let your brother make you feel more guilty or not take his share of things. If he doesnt help find and buy a new iron or whatever, if it is important and necessary , sort it out yourself , but announce that you have had to give up your spare time to do this and will not be available to visit on the following week as you need to catch up on things.

finally dont forget we are all here on gn's and will be rooting for you and reminding you that you do not have to do everything yourself and if your skiving brother thinks he is going to get off scot free, if you need to get someone in to do a special clean up or to put up shelves or whatever, present him with a bill to pay, and if he is niggardly add 10% on so that if he is not prepared to share the effort equally then he must pay his way.

Good luck with everything
Love GILLIAN

None of this is your fault . I hope you gave a successful interaction with the GP on Thursday. From what you say dementia springs to mind, however if she complains about the staff it is worth bearing in mind that even if she does have dementia there may be an element of truth in what she tells you. Been there with my Mum some years ago - I recognise how stressful this is for you. You have and are doing your best, so do not best yourself up about this. Do look after yourself, that is so important .
Good luck. 💐💐

I think them thoughts would have always been there, but like people say, the filter would have been there- now it’s not. Staff will have heard all the nasties. It could be the start of dementia, or plain rudeness as she’s really unhappy, or depressed.
You can have someone who was all sweetness & light, but then starts using the F-word. Believe me, I have seen & heard it all in my job of a carer.

I learned never to tell my DM when I was going on holiday. Before dementia took hold she would become unwell a few days before my departure and, somehow, even when lost in dementia she managed to do the same. I used to tell her neighbour and then the care home manager instead. I’m sure it was a subconscious reaction but it might help you, at least in a small way. I hope your Mum settles down in her new home and you manage to get some peace of mind, I know how draining your situation is.

Earthmother9

If I was in a care home I'm pretty sure I would be absolutly vile to everyone, so It may not be Dementia.

Earthmother what you imply is correct. People in care homes are extraordinarily vulnerable.

They are frustrated in expressing their feelings as they rely absolutely on others' goodwill. Those of us who retain a measure of autonomy can take out our frustrations safely in various ways. People in care homes are there because they can no longer be autonomous.

If I was in a care home I'm pretty sure I would be absolutly vile to everyone, so It may not be Dementia.

Definitely give her more time. She’s safe and well looked after by the sounds of it.
My mum has gone from a happy fun person to an inattentive stubborn person, but like you we are wondering if it’s onset dementia.
Quite often their lives become so small they have to moan/comment about something .
I feel for you . I am going through it with both parents in separate accommodation and we are year three.
I love my mum to bits I have taken to just nodding and forgetting her hurtful or out of order comments.
If you are a diligent daughter and you definitely sound like a brilliant one you will soon know if something is properly wrong .
If the home is good they will definitely be used to the older peoples potty mouths, but you might find she is only like this to you and sweetness and light in front of the actual staff.

The staff will be used to this, you really don’t have to apologise. They sound so much better.

Please don't worry. My Mum is horrible to the staff and they still love her. They are completely used to the vagaries of the elderly. In the early days, my Mum used to hit the staff but this has lessened over the years. They will have strategies to deal with her.

I really hope your mum settles and will join in. I had the same with my mum, she would only come out of her room to use bathroom. The staff were very encouraging, and after about three weeks she agreed to go into the lounge.
The only problem then was she couldn’t talk with anyone because her hearing was so bad. She did enjoy the entertainment though.
As time goes on, I would try and visit less. I’m an only one and went every 3/4 days I found that plenty, it’s very draining and you do feel as if you're living and breathing it.
She passed away 6 months later, it was a relief for her and us, it’s very difficult. Good luck it’s the hardest thing I ever had to do for my mum.

Bumble has your mom been tested for a UTI ? I found with my mom even thought she had dementia if she had an UTI her behaviour got worse . An untreated UTI or kidney infection can cause older people to be confused and irrational. Not saying that's your mom . Just going by my own experience of my mom living with for the last 18 months of her life she had cancer and dementia. Dementia killed my mom 4 months before her body died.

When my mother in law went into hospital I always told staff her urine needed testing daily as she got regular UTIs . One day went and she was more vile than normal ,shouting and abusive to staff. Yep they hadn't checked her urine for 2 days she had an UTI which turned into a kidney infection .

Both my mom and mother in law never said if it hurt to urinate.

Just an idea .

Thank you all for the advice and support, for the first time in a long time I don't feel like everything is my fault.
I spoke to the senior carer today (purely by chance as he was in the hallway when I arrived). I asked him how Mum was settling in and he said very well!! I'm not sure whether or not she has been rude/racist to the carers, or whether it was all saved for my brother yesterday and the racist comment was just something she said to him. I have in the past told her when she has been out of order, she dismisses it completely. This has always been the case, I don't think she has ever apologised in her life as she has never done anything wrong of course. I told her yesterday when I eventually got through on the phone that she was out of order in speaking to my brother in that way.
Today I would say she was resigned, is that the right word? Certainly not vicious. Apparently the tale she tells is that some of the staff are rude and she reported this to the senior carer yesterday. He has spoken to them and they were better today. I don't know who these staff are and have never met them. I am assuming that she is telling the truth and not making up stories, but who knows.
She has her own wheelchair, the first day she was there they took her to the dining room. She didn't like it because she was sat with a man who had dementia! They have offered to take her again but she won't go. She then sits in her chair and says "the trouble is I can't move from this chair". They took her down to the lounge last week because there was a singer in, she didn't like the songs, it was "modern rubbish" (Elvis apparently) and "too loud".
The Dr calls on Thursday so I will ask for an appointment. As for the phone, I've put her on WiFi calling which should be simpler for her, who knows, the WiFi isn't great - I will look into the options above going forwards. Maybe if this is the only way she can communicate she will really try and learn how to do it!
This has all brought up a lot of past problems with her, things that I thought I'd moved on from.
Thank you all for the support and advice.

Your mother is ninety, and seems to have been difficult for some time. You are a very devoted daughter, trying hard to do what is best for her and and receiving nothing but complaints in return.
You are right to fear her behaviour is affecting your mental health; she has the ability to make you feel guilty, no doubt finely honed over the years, when everything you do is in her best interests.
Talk to the Nursing Home staff and I expect they will reassure you. Take comfort from the knowledge that she is warm, comfortable, cared for and above all safe. Facilities are there for her but at present she chooses not to use them; her decision, not your fault. Cut down on your visiting to give yourself some respite, and remind your brother that she is his mother as well and he has an equal responsibility towards her.