Change of Care Home Issues

Is your Mum drinking plenty of fluids? Dehydration can cause confusion and behaviour difficulties.
I do agree about giving it time - my mum was on the phone at 7 on the first morning to say she wasn’t staying in that prison!

Well she's very good at drinking normally, although this is something I should check later - thank you.
We did go through this when she went in her previous home and I do remember a comment about being locked up. However, she never said she hated all the staff or made any racist comments, that is what is concerning me. I really can't see anything to dislike in the staff so that's what makes it even stranger. I said to her earlier in the week that she is never going to like or get along with everyone, the same for all of us.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head re: start of cognitive decline/dementia. Remember she has also experienced an upheaval in terms of the move and being in a new place with new people can be confusing and stressful for older people. I wouldn't worry about what she says to the staff - they will be very used to this kind of behaviour (unfortunately) and will not take it personally. I would give her time to settle in and relax a bit. I think your brother needs to be more understanding, so perhaps get one of the staff to speak to him about dementia and behaviour - it may be better if he hears it from a professional. Good luck!

I feel for you.
Yes, give it more time. My mum took a good 2 months to settle and subjected the staff to the worst of her temper in that time. All was well eventually. I felt it was the stress of the upheaval rather than anything more sinister, but everyone is different.
Not having a pop at you at all, I’ve been there myself, but your reaction seems a little panicky, not helped by your brother. You can’t work miracles, only do your best, which is what you are doing. This is very stressful for you too, so be kind to yourself, take a break maybe not visit quite so often while she is settling in. This takes a little pressure off of you and denies your Mum the opportunity to rant about the staff. You can increase your visits again once she’s settled down a little. Just suggestions. I hope everything calms down soon.

Thank you - yes you're 100% right I am panicking. The thing is I don't think I'm doing my best and that's hard to overcome.
In her other home Mum took a good few weeks to settle so we've been through this before, it's the venom she is now spouting that concerns me.
We're going away for a week in August, this could be a pre-build up to that, as she doesn't ever want me to go on holiday (we only go for two weeks a year, once in the summer and once in May to visit my eldest who lives abroad. She will have my brother to visit (possibly) and my son.
Yes I think you're right I need to not visit so often, others have said the same. I made a rod for my own back when she was at home with a live-in carer as I used to visit 6 days out of 7 so that hasn't helped at all.
Thanks for the advice.

argymargy

I think you may have hit the nail on the head re: start of cognitive decline/dementia. Remember she has also experienced an upheaval in terms of the move and being in a new place with new people can be confusing and stressful for older people. I wouldn't worry about what she says to the staff - they will be very used to this kind of behaviour (unfortunately) and will not take it personally. I would give her time to settle in and relax a bit. I think your brother needs to be more understanding, so perhaps get one of the staff to speak to him about dementia and behaviour - it may be better if he hears it from a professional. Good luck!

Thank you! She is 90 and her cognitive abilities have been good until now, but yes this could well be the start. Or as you say it could be the upheaval of the move etc.

I would speak to the manager and the staff and apologise for her behaviour, it is possible they will say it all quite normal and they are used to it but at least you have acknowledged it. Do you tell her when she upsets you? I would say if you are going to be horrible to us we won't stay, get up and leave. I am sure once you have done it a few times she will stop, hopefully. If she says anything racist I would also remind her that they are the people looking after her and she should stop and be nice to them and treat them as she wishes she is treated with respect. I honestly would not worry about the phone issue it gives you a break . Can you ask if she can have a wheelchair to take her into the dining area? It might stop her feeling so isolated at eating is much nicer when you have company, she might even make a friend .🙄

Although she can’t walk, I assume she can be moved in a wheelchair to have more of a social life and join in activities? I too wouldn’t visit so frequently, it’s wearing for you and you need a break. Regarding possible dementia, that may be part of your catch up chat with the manager after two weeks, your brother needs to wise up a little and pull his weight. Older people can be blunt, your mother is adjusting, possibly a little bewildered, so unfairly I know, may lash out.
Good luck and enjoy your holiday.

An aunt of dh, no dementia, did seem to lose her ‘filter’ in her 80s - would make very audible racist or ‘appearance’ remarks when out and about. One I particularly remember was in a restaurant when she said at the top of her voice, ‘WHY DOES THAT WAITRESS WEAR SUCH SHORT SKIRTS WITH LEGS LIKE THAT?’
Talk about cringe!

I know it’s horribly embarrassing, but I dare say the staff will sadly be used to unpleasant remarks/language, especially if dementia is involved.

One deceptively sweet looking little old lady in my mother’s (dementia) care home would often talk to herself very audibly for hours, usually about ‘that f*cking bastard’ who had evidently been her husband!

Seems to be a very good choice of a care home for all practical purposes.

Several separate issues.

*Your mother's bad manners if I may so describe her behaviour> The time has come that you and your brother make every allowance for her, and ' rise above' her rudeness , That one would hope is what well trained professionals do.

* Communications, Can you get her , and could she be trusted with , a radio connection with a care team independent of the care home? You could explain to the carehome manager that there are difficulties with land line and mobile phone ,and that the radio connection may work. I refer to those messaging services for people who live alone and may need help from an agency to communicate with a care giver. who lives elsewhere. Although the present care home is so good, it does seem to lack a way residents can communicate with friends and relatives.

* your brother may not be mature enough to be able to regard his mother as simply an old lady unrelated to him. This
capability is not easily learned , especially if he has his own problems.

Any change can be difficult to manage but my first reaction was a UTI- these can impact on the elderly in a far more disturbing way than in younger people.

I know this happened to my mum who had vascular dementia but was rarely confused to that degree.

Although the racist comments are not easy to deal with and it wouldn't hurt to apologise on your mum's behalf I'm sure the staff are used to being called all sorts of names and don't take it personally.

I would get a GP to check her out but also hope this settles down. The last thing you want to do is move her again for these reasons.

You can buy a special phone designed for dementia; the control panel just has photos of 2 people on her call list, and their names underneath.

Oh dear. This reminds me of my mum so much. This is how I realised my mum was maybe beginning with dementia. She was living in sheltered accommodation when a Greek man moved into her block, they got on well to begin with, then she started telling him he wasn’t English, he became upset with her and showed her his passport.
He complained to me about her. I tried to explain but things became worse, she then said another neighbour had exposed himself to her and called the police.
To cut a long story short she went into a care home aged 91 there were all nationalities in there, staff and patients.
She became more intolerant of everyone and completely lost her filters, it was very embarrassing, all I seemed to do was apologise for her. The staff were very good with her and said it didn’t matter they were used to it.
Later on she thought she lived in a brothel and all her carers were whores. Terrible really as I’d never heard my mum use half the words she came out with, she was very strait laced never swore etc.
Just try and accept its old age probably a decline. She might be upset by the change, and settle down. The staff will be used to it, nothing they haven’t dealt with before. Good luck.

My mum moved into a care home last November.She was pretty vile to us when we visited and I worried how she was with the staff but they said she was one of the most polite residents they have🤷‍♀️it took a while but she has settled now and is pleaser when we visit.It was a massive upheaval for her.The staff helped us and guided us and said to give her time which seems to have worked🤞🏻I hope your mum settles down.It is such a difficult time.

Your mother is ninety, and seems to have been difficult for some time. You are a very devoted daughter, trying hard to do what is best for her and and receiving nothing but complaints in return.
You are right to fear her behaviour is affecting your mental health; she has the ability to make you feel guilty, no doubt finely honed over the years, when everything you do is in her best interests.
Talk to the Nursing Home staff and I expect they will reassure you. Take comfort from the knowledge that she is warm, comfortable, cared for and above all safe. Facilities are there for her but at present she chooses not to use them; her decision, not your fault. Cut down on your visiting to give yourself some respite, and remind your brother that she is his mother as well and he has an equal responsibility towards her.

Thank you all for the advice and support, for the first time in a long time I don't feel like everything is my fault.
I spoke to the senior carer today (purely by chance as he was in the hallway when I arrived). I asked him how Mum was settling in and he said very well!! I'm not sure whether or not she has been rude/racist to the carers, or whether it was all saved for my brother yesterday and the racist comment was just something she said to him. I have in the past told her when she has been out of order, she dismisses it completely. This has always been the case, I don't think she has ever apologised in her life as she has never done anything wrong of course. I told her yesterday when I eventually got through on the phone that she was out of order in speaking to my brother in that way.
Today I would say she was resigned, is that the right word? Certainly not vicious. Apparently the tale she tells is that some of the staff are rude and she reported this to the senior carer yesterday. He has spoken to them and they were better today. I don't know who these staff are and have never met them. I am assuming that she is telling the truth and not making up stories, but who knows.
She has her own wheelchair, the first day she was there they took her to the dining room. She didn't like it because she was sat with a man who had dementia! They have offered to take her again but she won't go. She then sits in her chair and says "the trouble is I can't move from this chair". They took her down to the lounge last week because there was a singer in, she didn't like the songs, it was "modern rubbish" (Elvis apparently) and "too loud".
The Dr calls on Thursday so I will ask for an appointment. As for the phone, I've put her on WiFi calling which should be simpler for her, who knows, the WiFi isn't great - I will look into the options above going forwards. Maybe if this is the only way she can communicate she will really try and learn how to do it!
This has all brought up a lot of past problems with her, things that I thought I'd moved on from.
Thank you all for the support and advice.

Bumble has your mom been tested for a UTI ? I found with my mom even thought she had dementia if she had an UTI her behaviour got worse . An untreated UTI or kidney infection can cause older people to be confused and irrational. Not saying that's your mom . Just going by my own experience of my mom living with for the last 18 months of her life she had cancer and dementia. Dementia killed my mom 4 months before her body died.

When my mother in law went into hospital I always told staff her urine needed testing daily as she got regular UTIs . One day went and she was more vile than normal ,shouting and abusive to staff. Yep they hadn't checked her urine for 2 days she had an UTI which turned into a kidney infection .

Both my mom and mother in law never said if it hurt to urinate.

Just an idea .

I really hope your mum settles and will join in. I had the same with my mum, she would only come out of her room to use bathroom. The staff were very encouraging, and after about three weeks she agreed to go into the lounge.
The only problem then was she couldn’t talk with anyone because her hearing was so bad. She did enjoy the entertainment though.
As time goes on, I would try and visit less. I’m an only one and went every 3/4 days I found that plenty, it’s very draining and you do feel as if you're living and breathing it.
She passed away 6 months later, it was a relief for her and us, it’s very difficult. Good luck it’s the hardest thing I ever had to do for my mum.

Please don't worry. My Mum is horrible to the staff and they still love her. They are completely used to the vagaries of the elderly. In the early days, my Mum used to hit the staff but this has lessened over the years. They will have strategies to deal with her.

The staff will be used to this, you really don’t have to apologise. They sound so much better.

Definitely give her more time. She’s safe and well looked after by the sounds of it.
My mum has gone from a happy fun person to an inattentive stubborn person, but like you we are wondering if it’s onset dementia.
Quite often their lives become so small they have to moan/comment about something .
I feel for you . I am going through it with both parents in separate accommodation and we are year three.
I love my mum to bits I have taken to just nodding and forgetting her hurtful or out of order comments.
If you are a diligent daughter and you definitely sound like a brilliant one you will soon know if something is properly wrong .
If the home is good they will definitely be used to the older peoples potty mouths, but you might find she is only like this to you and sweetness and light in front of the actual staff.

If I was in a care home I'm pretty sure I would be absolutly vile to everyone, so It may not be Dementia.

Earthmother9

If I was in a care home I'm pretty sure I would be absolutly vile to everyone, so It may not be Dementia.

Earthmother what you imply is correct. People in care homes are extraordinarily vulnerable.

They are frustrated in expressing their feelings as they rely absolutely on others' goodwill. Those of us who retain a measure of autonomy can take out our frustrations safely in various ways. People in care homes are there because they can no longer be autonomous.

I learned never to tell my DM when I was going on holiday. Before dementia took hold she would become unwell a few days before my departure and, somehow, even when lost in dementia she managed to do the same. I used to tell her neighbour and then the care home manager instead. I’m sure it was a subconscious reaction but it might help you, at least in a small way. I hope your Mum settles down in her new home and you manage to get some peace of mind, I know how draining your situation is.