I'm Not a Carer But Feel I'm Being Turned Into One.

Reading this as someone who spends his days talking with families about caring for older people living alone, because that is what my company does, one thing stands out: this is really a story about independence. The lady wants to stay in her own flat, the family wants reassurance, and you are caught in the middle.

What we hear again and again is that the arrangements that actually stick are the ones the older person chooses for themselves. Anything that feels imposed, whether it is a rota of neighbours or a camera on the wall, gets resisted. Dignity is not a nice extra. It is the thing that makes the whole arrangement work.

You are right to hold your boundary. The family need a proper plan, not a reluctant neighbour.

- Alex

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I feel that them asking you to keep an eye on her is their way of reeling you in to becoming a full-time carer. Be very firm and have nothing to do with any of it. The family must make the appropriate arrangements and foot the bill.

M0nica

Next time she falls and you are aware, just ring 999. Paramedics are onlyntoo used to rescue missions like this.

If this lady needs help, it is up to her family to provide it themselves or buy it in. If she does not have the means to pay for help, then Social Services should be involved.

In fact Social Services should be involved already to make an assessment and advise what support she needs.

Look up the number of Social Services, write it on a piece of paper and next time they ask tell them that they should contact social services and give them the paper with their phone number on.

Maybe you could call Social Services Elderly Assessment Team at the Local Council and ask them to visit this lady. You could say that you are a concerned neighbour (who is disabled), tell them that she is vulnerable and they would call on her and access her needs.
If she falls again definitely dial 999.

Mt61

LovesBach

My neighbour undertakes general admin for older people - paperwork, bills, phone calls, passports, wills, anything that is needed. Several of her elderly customers have confidently informed her that they are coping very well with no help; she said wryly that they each have a team of neighbours and friends who cover most things for them - unpaid. I strongly believe that we are 'our brother's keeper' - we have a moral and compassionate duty to help where we can, but that is the point - not to the detriment of health, or the complete taking over of our lives, when there are organisations that are there to support those in need.

Fair enough but this lady has her own health issues. Maybe a ten minute chat here & there would suffice, (but that could easily turn into a few hours of a job).

That is why I emphasised 'Where we can' . Rather like the warning when you take a first aid course. Never put yourself in danger - don't dive into the river to help a struggling person if you're a poor swimmer, possibly making two rescues necessary. This is similar, and if a friendly cup of tea and a chat is the best that this lady can offer, then it is so much better than nothing, and no doubt appreciated. 'I can't manage that' will need to be deployed as a response.

Possum63

Firstly, "Keep an eye on her" can be as simple as being observant.
Secondly, you were told you should have called paramedics instead of moving her yourself.
You are making assumptions and complaints about a non issue.

She is asking us for advice before it becomes an issue. If the family ask her to keep checking on mum, she can be ready with an answer.
I had this with a neighbour who was starting with dementia, I stupidly gave the family my contact details, they passed it on to their mother. This lady then started ringing me in the night, wanting instructions on how to put a pie in the oven 😩I did ring the family to tell them she needed proper help, but would they answer my calls. Anyway I had a word with a social worker who came into my work.. I changed my number (back in the day before smart phones). Soon after house went up for sale. I presumed they put her into care.

There's not one person on here that's said you should be her carer. Please listen to everyone and refuse. It's too easy to get into such a situation but far harder to say no once you've started My elderly neighbour's health is steadily deteriorating. If I've not been round for a day or two, he'll phone me so it feels like he'd become very needy of me if I let him. I help him by doing the usual good neighbourly things and will continue to do so but I can tell how his mind is working and where this will head if I don't nip it in the bud. He tells me how he's going downhill followed by a sorrowful look, a big sigh then a long pause. I'm absolutely certain he's waiting for me to volunteer to be his carer even though he knows I already have carer responsibilities for my father who will always be my priority.
Please send us an update later - hopefully one where you've told the family you don't want the responsibility. I can't believe the nerve of the family.

Absolutely lovesbach, age Uk for one, may offer free help.
Saying that maybe the lady has plenty of money but the family don’t want to loose their inheritance, so aren’t willing to get carers in. 😩

LovesBach

My neighbour undertakes general admin for older people - paperwork, bills, phone calls, passports, wills, anything that is needed. Several of her elderly customers have confidently informed her that they are coping very well with no help; she said wryly that they each have a team of neighbours and friends who cover most things for them - unpaid. I strongly believe that we are 'our brother's keeper' - we have a moral and compassionate duty to help where we can, but that is the point - not to the detriment of health, or the complete taking over of our lives, when there are organisations that are there to support those in need.

Fair enough but this lady has her own health issues. Maybe a ten minute chat here & there would suffice, (but that could easily turn into a few hours of a job).

Put it firmly, but tell them no can do.
You have enough on with your own disability. I think they have a roasting cheek, tbh. They will Probably swan off on holiday, whilst you are dancing around their mother.

Add me to the chorus of "NO!" I am a person who likes to help others (it's the way I was raised) but it's not my first trip around the park so I've learned where to draw the line. A "little shopping" turns in to a weekly shop and putting it all away - you get the picture. This is a neighbour and her relatives will take advantage. A friend of mine just can't refuse - she gets very cross and swears "that's it - I've had enough!" But the next thing you know she's doing it again and more. It really annoys me but I've stopped trying to advise. You know this isn't right but the choice is yours.

My condolences, Dickens

Luckygirl3

She needs an alarm pendant, and you need to be firm about what you are able to do. You certainly should not be lifting her about!

I agree.

Suggest the alarm pendant and you could also offer to take a contact number of a member of her family so you could alert them if necessary.

Do not attempt to lift her or take on any carer duties.

And what will happen next is that the family will have a go at you for not doing 'your duty if something really does go wrong!

My neighbour undertakes general admin for older people - paperwork, bills, phone calls, passports, wills, anything that is needed. Several of her elderly customers have confidently informed her that they are coping very well with no help; she said wryly that they each have a team of neighbours and friends who cover most things for them - unpaid. I strongly believe that we are 'our brother's keeper' - we have a moral and compassionate duty to help where we can, but that is the point - not to the detriment of health, or the complete taking over of our lives, when there are organisations that are there to support those in need.

You have had a consistent message here, windmill, and I hope that you're ready to act on it.
My young, fit DD and SIL have been very helpful to two sets of elderly neighbours. However, when DD visited one in hospital last year she gently reminded him that on his return home, he needed to request a care package, and not say" I have good neighbours".
He understood and made arrangements, so that she could just " keep an eye".
This lady's family are being negligent: she is not your responsibility.
Good luck.

Firstly, "Keep an eye on her" can be as simple as being observant.
Secondly, you were told you should have called paramedics instead of moving her yourself.
You are making assumptions and complaints about a non issue.

Totally unacceptable,not your responsibility.

One of my neighbours somehow got herself involved with another neighbour who had several health problems and was suffering from dementia. As time went on she found herself called out to every emergency and ended up with POA. The whole thing became a nightmare until Social Services finally decided to put the old lady in a home. She has since died, but my neighbour was still involved in sorting out her affairs. It can be hard enough dealing with a relative, I would think very hard before getting involved with anyone else.

Lots of no's. I would say to them that you have your own health and life to manage so all you can offer is the good neighbour that you have always been. That you will call an ambulance if you actually see that she is in trouble, but that you cannot guarantee anything.

Please accept my sincere condolences Dickens. 💐
x

windmill1

An old lady who lives in the same bock of flats has been unwell, in hospital and now discharged. Her relatives have put it to me that, as I am retired, I might like to "keep an eye on her for them". Well, no actually. There's several of them, I live on my own and have a disability due to amputation to deal with.

The daughter says that hiring someone from a care agency "is far too expensive now". Am I to assume they expect me to do it for free?

The last collapse she had, I had a job getting her back into her flat and onto the settee - she's no lightweight. The daughter told me to send for the paramedics! I feel that huge liberties are being taken and - to put it bluntly - she's somenody else's mother, not mine.

Her family need to PAY privately for an organised remote-sensor service intallation, that can remotely detect a range of problems (that she has fallen, or hasn't moved for hours, or has pressed an alarm button) ; then the service provider calls her designated responder.

just one example

<https://www.agespace.org/tech/elderly-home-sensors

( I was happy to be the "designated responder" for an elderly neighbour because I knew her well enough to know she would only use it when necessary ( quite rarely in fact.) . But I know from other volunteers that some elderly/ confused people have been known to use their panic button system like a fulltime maid and butler service)

windmill1 - you must speak with the daughter and make it crystal clear that you have been a neighbour and friend but can't step into the role of carer and that's for the lady's relatives to sort out. In response to the complaint that care agencies charge too much, if the lady really does need care then social services will provide that either free or at a subsidised cost and if it does incur a cost that will be decided after some means-testing. If the daughter doesn't go ahead to engage social services then you can assume that this is because the daughter doesn't want her mother to have to contribute towards her own care. There could be several reasons why the daughter is refusing to engage social services and one might be because the daughter wishes to preserve any savings her mother has so that she can inherit. Sorry to be so blunt but many people start to preserve their inheritance well before they're due to get it. As TwinLolly says, you must walk away while you can.

Just
Say
NO