Mum new to carers

I’ve been her carer for about five years but I don’t want to do personal care , nor 3 x a day

There’s your answer.
My mum was the same. She saw co-operating with carers as ‘letting me off the hook’ and she would lose control.
I had to be really firm with her and eventually she accepted that our relationship would be just as strong but as mother and daughter.
She ended up having a good relationship with her carers in the end and they became very fond of her but it was hard going to begin with.
Stand your ground!

I think that is the immediate best choice, to see if it's her unconscious manipulation of forcing you to step in. If it proves to be what was suggested above, some sort of internal decision to "give up, had enough" then she needs a different sort of care, that I cant imagine being there unless its 24/7.

I don't know enough about this, I'm sure someone else does, but wouldnt she need to be assessed as needing nursing care for 24/7 care finance wise?

butterandjam

Is it possible your Mum is refusing food and care and medication because they are what keep her alive. Perhaps she's had enough of what her life has become and is ready to let go ; "in her own time".

I have known a couple of frail elderly people openly announce that was their decision, and just gently fade out.

Possibly. Although when I prepare food for her or when she’s with myself or my siblings , she eats well. I think it’s the lack of control over her life now.

Erica23

Hi. My mum was very similar to this, she always refused to get up in a morning so we agreed to leave her until lunchtime, she would get up when they’d gone then get herself ready by around 3pm.
Is your mum able to get herself dressed all be it in her own time ? It’s all very frustrating we were paying for carers four times a day which seemed a waste, but I, being an only one found it reassuring to know someone was popping if only to check she hadn’t fallen.
This went on a couple of years and unfortunately she had many falls and hospital stays, then developed dementia and had to go into a care home aged 92.
I would visit your mum less often. Let her get used to the carers helping her. I never did personal care and visited 4 times a week.

Mum did accept them eventually, it ment I could still work, look after my Grandchildren and go on holiday, very important. She never forgave me though.

Thank for your reply . Before her fall , I’d visit 3-4 times a week . That’s a good idea to visit less . I was visiting daily in hospital. I’m one of three but the only one who’s local , so it all falls to me.

Is it possible your Mum is refusing food and care and medication because they are what keep her alive. Perhaps she's had enough of what her life has become and is ready to let go ; "in her own time".

I have known a couple of frail elderly people openly announce that was their decision, and just gently fade out.

My mum with dementia could not tolerate carers my Dad was so grateful for them and looked forward to their visits
Unfortunately when mum became a danger (trying to cook dad a meal in the middle of the night etc) we had to consider a care home Refusing to be helped with washing or dressing

Hi. My mum was very similar to this, she always refused to get up in a morning so we agreed to leave her until lunchtime, she would get up when they’d gone then get herself ready by around 3pm.
Is your mum able to get herself dressed all be it in her own time ? It’s all very frustrating we were paying for carers four times a day which seemed a waste, but I, being an only one found it reassuring to know someone was popping if only to check she hadn’t fallen.
This went on a couple of years and unfortunately she had many falls and hospital stays, then developed dementia and had to go into a care home aged 92.
I would visit your mum less often. Let her get used to the carers helping her. I never did personal care and visited 4 times a week.

Mum did accept them eventually, it ment I could still work, look after my Grandchildren and go on holiday, very important. She never forgave me though.

I think you might need to be blunt. Tell her if she doesn't cooperate she will end up in hospital then a home.