Mum new to carers

I think you might need to be blunt. Tell her if she doesn't cooperate she will end up in hospital then a home.

Hi. My mum was very similar to this, she always refused to get up in a morning so we agreed to leave her until lunchtime, she would get up when they’d gone then get herself ready by around 3pm.
Is your mum able to get herself dressed all be it in her own time ? It’s all very frustrating we were paying for carers four times a day which seemed a waste, but I, being an only one found it reassuring to know someone was popping if only to check she hadn’t fallen.
This went on a couple of years and unfortunately she had many falls and hospital stays, then developed dementia and had to go into a care home aged 92.
I would visit your mum less often. Let her get used to the carers helping her. I never did personal care and visited 4 times a week.

Mum did accept them eventually, it ment I could still work, look after my Grandchildren and go on holiday, very important. She never forgave me though.

My mum with dementia could not tolerate carers my Dad was so grateful for them and looked forward to their visits
Unfortunately when mum became a danger (trying to cook dad a meal in the middle of the night etc) we had to consider a care home Refusing to be helped with washing or dressing

Is it possible your Mum is refusing food and care and medication because they are what keep her alive. Perhaps she's had enough of what her life has become and is ready to let go ; "in her own time".

I have known a couple of frail elderly people openly announce that was their decision, and just gently fade out.

Erica23

Hi. My mum was very similar to this, she always refused to get up in a morning so we agreed to leave her until lunchtime, she would get up when they’d gone then get herself ready by around 3pm.
Is your mum able to get herself dressed all be it in her own time ? It’s all very frustrating we were paying for carers four times a day which seemed a waste, but I, being an only one found it reassuring to know someone was popping if only to check she hadn’t fallen.
This went on a couple of years and unfortunately she had many falls and hospital stays, then developed dementia and had to go into a care home aged 92.
I would visit your mum less often. Let her get used to the carers helping her. I never did personal care and visited 4 times a week.

Mum did accept them eventually, it ment I could still work, look after my Grandchildren and go on holiday, very important. She never forgave me though.

Thank for your reply . Before her fall , I’d visit 3-4 times a week . That’s a good idea to visit less . I was visiting daily in hospital. I’m one of three but the only one who’s local , so it all falls to me.

butterandjam

Is it possible your Mum is refusing food and care and medication because they are what keep her alive. Perhaps she's had enough of what her life has become and is ready to let go ; "in her own time".

I have known a couple of frail elderly people openly announce that was their decision, and just gently fade out.

Possibly. Although when I prepare food for her or when she’s with myself or my siblings , she eats well. I think it’s the lack of control over her life now.

I think that is the immediate best choice, to see if it's her unconscious manipulation of forcing you to step in. If it proves to be what was suggested above, some sort of internal decision to "give up, had enough" then she needs a different sort of care, that I cant imagine being there unless its 24/7.

I don't know enough about this, I'm sure someone else does, but wouldnt she need to be assessed as needing nursing care for 24/7 care finance wise?

I’ve been her carer for about five years but I don’t want to do personal care , nor 3 x a day

There’s your answer.
My mum was the same. She saw co-operating with carers as ‘letting me off the hook’ and she would lose control.
I had to be really firm with her and eventually she accepted that our relationship would be just as strong but as mother and daughter.
She ended up having a good relationship with her carers in the end and they became very fond of her but it was hard going to begin with.
Stand your ground!

merlotgran

^I’ve been her carer for about five years but I don’t want to do personal care , nor 3 x a day^

There’s your answer.
My mum was the same. She saw co-operating with carers as ‘letting me off the hook’ and she would lose control.
I had to be really firm with her and eventually she accepted that our relationship would be just as strong but as mother and daughter.
She ended up having a good relationship with her carers in the end and they became very fond of her but it was hard going to begin with.
Stand your ground!

Thank you merlotgran, that’s something to think about . Tbh she’s been quite snippy and cranky with me in her last few days in hospital and since leaving hospital. Which isn’t like her and my son noticed it when we visited today .

Wyllow3

I think that is the immediate best choice, to see if it's her unconscious manipulation of forcing you to step in. If it proves to be what was suggested above, some sort of internal decision to "give up, had enough" then she needs a different sort of care, that I cant imagine being there unless its 24/7.

I don't know enough about this, I'm sure someone else does, but wouldnt she need to be assessed as needing nursing care for 24/7 care finance wise?

The OTs didn’t suggest 24 hour care . They suggested 3 x day . I don’t think she’s given up .

I have stage 4 breast cancer and have a carer once a day. My GP insists that I'm eligible for Continuing Care which will be free At the moment I pay £600 a month it is hard having complete strangers washing and dressing me, but I'd rather that than expect my children or adult grandchildren to do it.

Graceless

I have stage 4 breast cancer and have a carer once a day. My GP insists that I'm eligible for Continuing Care which will be free At the moment I pay £600 a month it is hard having complete strangers washing and dressing me, but I'd rather that than expect my children or adult grandchildren to do it.

My mother finds it hard to, even though she’s had nurses and hca’s caring for her in hospital.

Graceless

I have stage 4 breast cancer and have a carer once a day. My GP insists that I'm eligible for Continuing Care which will be free At the moment I pay £600 a month it is hard having complete strangers washing and dressing me, but I'd rather that than expect my children or adult grandchildren to do it.

What a wonderful mum and nan you are 💐

Oh, I hear you. My mother is 101, still living in her own home but it’s now obvious to everyone except her that she needs care. She refuses to go into a care home even short term for respite care, doesn’t want ‘strangers’ coming into her home to help her and is generally negative about every suggestion we make. I know what she really wants is for me and my brother to give up our lives and devote ourselves to her care. Obviously that cannot happen. She phones both of us up day and night saying she is dying. She has phoned the ambulance twice in the last fortnight - they have checked her over and said there are no concerns except her advanced age. I am in my mid seventies with my own health problems which she won’t acknowledge - it’s an ongoing nightmare!.

suspios I’m so sorry your going through this with your mum, your living an absolute nightmare! My mum never accepted I was getting older either, just as they won’t accept their old age, so frustrating.
Hopefully you may be able to get into hospital at some point, then insist she can’t live alone. That’s the only way I managed to get my very frail mum into one. The very best of luck to you, it’s the most difficult thing.

Graceless, please accept my admiration - you are absolutely doing the right thing.
I would like to add my agreement to merlot's post.
My mother was initially reluctant ( and, perhaps a little aggrieved) that it had to be carers, not me, to support her.
However, a gentle discussion about how important it was for her to stay in her own home, and avoid residential care did change things.
She grew fond of her carers, and they of her. She had a fund of these ladies' stories to share with me when I visited, which we both enjoyed.
However, any cognitive issues will cloud the water, without a doubt.
Good luck.

Suspiros

Oh, I hear you. My mother is 101, still living in her own home but it’s now obvious to everyone except her that she needs care. She refuses to go into a care home even short term for respite care, doesn’t want ‘strangers’ coming into her home to help her and is generally negative about every suggestion we make. I know what she really wants is for me and my brother to give up our lives and devote ourselves to her care. Obviously that cannot happen. She phones both of us up day and night saying she is dying. She has phoned the ambulance twice in the last fortnight - they have checked her over and said there are no concerns except her advanced age. I am in my mid seventies with my own health problems which she won’t acknowledge - it’s an ongoing nightmare!.

Yes my mother really wants me to care for her. I told her I can’t and carers in her home are the answer or a care home which she doesn’t want . We’ve had this conversation in hospital. However her cognitive decline means she forgets these conversations.
I’m sorry you have health issues .thst must things really hard . I’m 67 and fit and healthy , although knackered at the moment .

My mother also blames me for her being in hospital and calling the ambulance. She was delirious due to a uti and has heart problems plus I couldn’t lift her.
But she doesn’t understand this .

Yes my mother really wants me to care for her. I told her I can’t and carers in her home are the answer or a care home which she doesn’t want . We’ve had this conversation in hospital. However her cognitive decline means she forgets these conversations.

Tenko my Mum had Alzheimer's and Dad did all the caring at home. She refused carers.
We went when we could to support him but we were four hours away, still working full-time, other family commitments, so probably one weekend in six.

Eventually Mum ended up in hospital after a fall at home.
They refused to discharge her unless she agreed to have carers at home.
The social worker said as I had Power of Attorney I could overrule her refusal. (Not quite sure how that would have worked in practice!).

She eventually agreed and after the six weeks free care from social services, she ended up with a truly lovely lady through an agency.
Both Mum and Dad loved her coming to get Mum up, showered, dressed and downstairs each morning.

When Mum eventually died and Rosie came to say goodbye, Dad was devastated that she wouldn't still be coming to see him ☹️

Sometimes I'm afraid you have to act for your elderly parent's own good, and they can't rule your life any more.

This is a very difficult period in your life and I sympathesise with you having gone through it twice .

My father couldn't stand the carers .
They were loud and talked a lot. He never liked noise and we always spoke softly in our house .
They used to make jokes and sing his name.
He laughed out of sheer embarrassment on the first occasion and they couldn't see how upset he was .
I'm afraid that they were awful -leaving the front door open ,nearly setting the house on fire and finally stealing .
I was happy to care for him myself employing a neighbour and her daughters to fill in with tea and chats .
It wasn't easy .
But I managed .
The one thing that I wanted to do was move.
If I could go back in a Tardis we would have.
This is really up to you .
Just be careful that you don't wear yourself out as I have .

As the saying goes, 'you have to be cruel to be kind'.
I was a carer for my mum who had Alzheimer's. As an only child, everything fell to me but I drew the line at her personal care.

A wonderful lady was recommended to us via Age Concern and although mum 'showed off' at first, refusing any help, eventually she developed a lovely bond with this lady.
I was very grateful.

Tenko, be kind to yourself. Your Mum has an appointment at the memory clinic and may well be diagnosed with dementia. If this happens you must remember that no amount of encouragement or of being firm will make a scrap of difference ! Her mindset will be immovable, so an argument is a pointless exercise. It is impossible to reason / argue with someone who has dementia. A care home may be the best option. I had a similar situation with my mum , dementia set in , she lived with us for 4 years. My DH was amazing during this time and never complained . I will always be grateful for that. We eventually had to find a care home for her. Sadly my husband now has a diagnosis of Alzheimers and my life is becoming very difficult and complicated. He can no longer tackle tasks but is unable to acknowledge that, so I find myself overseeing his life.
Your Mum has forgotten you are no longer a spring chicken, she is looking for someone to blame and sadly you are in the firing line! She will not remember conversations ( I know this only too well, my husband is unable to recall our conversations or any plans we may have made) this will make your life very difficult. You have taken care of your Mum for 5 years, time now to take care of yourself. I wish you well . 🌸💐.

Thank you so much Shelife . Lots of good info in your post . I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through dementia with your mum and are now going through it with your DH.
It’s definitely very hard when mum doesn’t remember conversations or plans . My late fil had dementia, but he was fairly happy and cheerful . My mother was very independent and also very stubborn. Once she’s in a particular mindset , she won’t change her mind or opinion.

JdotJ

As the saying goes, 'you have to be cruel to be kind'.
I was a carer for my mum who had Alzheimer's. As an only child, everything fell to me but I drew the line at her personal care.

A wonderful lady was recommended to us via Age Concern and although mum 'showed off' at first, refusing any help, eventually she developed a lovely bond with this lady.
I was very grateful.

I’m hoping that happens with my mum