Should we be resentful about becoming a carer?

Warbler

When do you become a carer.......I'm sliding into it gently. After having to change the urine soaked bed for the second time this week and lug everything to the laundrette yet again, I am beginning to think.....am I the carer? We aren't married and really I wouldn't do any less for him, but it is a struggle.

Please, please make sure that you are legally financially secure should he pre-decease you.
So sorry for the situation you are in.

JaneJudge

Primrose53

Usedtobeblonde

I don’t think older people who are getting a SP can claim carers allowance, I may be wrong.

Correct. If you receive state pension you cannot claim Carer’s Allowance.

you used to be able to claim attendance allowance though but I don't know if that is still the case

Attendance Allowance is for the caree nor the carer. My husband gets that.

Correction the person affected should apply for AA but if they can’t, and my DH falls into this category, a relative/carer can apply for it for them.

JaneJudge you can claim attendance allowance which is not means tested. I got the higher rate for my DH. Would advise any carers to apply for this.

I have a young family member who has become fully incapacitated. The workload on their young spouse is unimaginable. After a year the spouse has only just gone back to work. The care that has fallen to everyone around us is intense and overwhelming and that’s with 24hr care.

I happily help with light duties, as the injured wouldn’t want more from me, however the resistance to putting this person in care from family is intense, and they are seemingly happy to let the young spouse drown.

Caring is the hardest job at that level. I wouldn’t blame anyone for complaining

Primrose53

Usedtobeblonde

I don’t think older people who are getting a SP can claim carers allowance, I may be wrong.

Correct. If you receive state pension you cannot claim Carer’s Allowance.

you used to be able to claim attendance allowance though but I don't know if that is still the case

I would never resent being my husband's carer when he had cancer, but I do sometimes look back and think that was ten years of my retirement gone. Tens years that I hardly remember apart from the constant trips to hospital. On the other hand it was a lot better than not having him at all for that ten years.

I don’t resent caring for my husband after he became disabled following a massive stroke, but I do resent how isolating it can be and how alone a carer can feel, as well as shaking my fist at the fates for letting this happen when we are both only in our mid seventies. I thought we had more time to enjoy together, to go traveling again, or to the theatre or cinema, it all just seems so unfair sometimes. But then I heard from a friend that her daughter in her early forties has breast cancer and it has spread to the lymph nodes, she has three small children. Such tragic stories make me get things in perspective. At least we had a good life for many years, and we have each other, it may not be as good but it is as good as it gets in the circumstances.

Usedtobeblonde

I don’t think older people who are getting a SP can claim carers allowance, I may be wrong.

Correct. If you receive state pension you cannot claim Carer’s Allowance.

In tears, not on tears!

GranniesUnite and Usedtobeblonde, your lovely supportive comments have me on tears (the good kind). Gransnetters truly are best, thank you both so much xx

AnotherBirdLady I understand the point you are making but not all Children are able to care for their Parents. I have friends whose two sons live in Australia and another whose Son lives in America. So they wont be on hand to care to do shopping and cook meals. They are in exactly the same position as people without Children with nobody nearby to do things for them. This is when we need to arrange alternatives which will inevitably need to be paid for.

I don’t think older people who are getting a SP can claim carers allowance, I may be wrong.

Of course we “shouldn’t” feel resentful, but I know from experience how easy it is to sometimes feel a little bitter,

One of the side effects of people living longer is that carers are also older and often not 100% fit themselves.
It concerns me that several posters have said they don't consider themselves to be carers when they obviously are. I hope this doesn't mean they have neglected to claim attendance and carers' allowances

Good points CariadAgain if you haven’t already Google AWOC Ageing Without Children.

*AnotherBirdlady’, the case you quote, of a fall resulting in a hospital stay, is not what I meant by general caring duties. I meant the expectations of parents who won’t have outside help for normal, everyday things, either because they don’t want strangers coming in, or they don’t want to pay for it, or (often) both.

So instead they expect adult children - nearly always daughters, isn’t it? - to see to shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, transport to and from appointments, basically just about all daily practicalities.

Blossoming

My husband had dementia and I cared for him for seven years he was incapable of doing anything for himself.
I looked after him in ways I would not have thought possible but love really does win in the end.
I loved to read your posts and how the love your husband has for you shines through.

It’s the small simple things that matter and when you’re well enough your walks around your area with the occasional picture are just a joy to read.

My lovely man is now at rest but I miss him so very much.

Many a time I bundled us up in warm clothing and took a short walk outside our home inspired by your love of life and by your husbands care for you.

Thank you Usedtobeblonde you have really cheered me up saying that!

I read your posts with delight and some envy Blossoming I don’t think you should worry, your H obviously does what he does from love.
Continue to enjoy your daily walks round your local area and your occasional trips to Lytham.

This worries me a great deal. Although disabled from a young age and suffering from chronic illness I have always been fairly independent. After a horrendous last year with a new condition and not much help from the medical profession MrB has been forced into the rôle of carer. He insists he’s fine with it all but it wasn’t how I wanted our life together to be. I am afraid he may come to resent me as a burden.

I have come back to this thread and noted one thing which stood out.a poster said she cared for her H and he would have done the same for her.
I think I can say that my H would not have done the same for me.
We were married for 60 years, a good marriage but he would not have been able to take on the role of carer, I knew him well enough to know that.
He was old style and that explains it all.

No one has to care, we all have a choice and caring for someone with resentment is no good for either of you; The local council has a duty to care if you have less than 23500 unless your needs are health related then the NHS will pay but I realise it is difficult to achieve these days. If you have more than 23500 you are self funding and have to pay for all the care yourself. I agree with another poster that parents who only want their children to care for them are very selfish but often that is part of the illness like dementia where the ability to reason often goes out of the window. I have been a carer 3 times and never resented caring for a loved one, it is a rollercoaster and so hard on the body and soul but we do it out of love and I am definitely thankful I was in a position to do it, I could not do it now, due to my own ill health.

Pably and witzend I appreciate your responses, thankyou.
Witzend I understand about your Mum and the ice cream! People have said to me "use a calendar so A. knows what is happening. ' They mean well but have no idea, the calendar is in a prominent position , he cant remember to look at it and if he did he would immediately forget what he had read!
I cared for mum and had 3 children, the youngest only 11. I was so much younger I will now be 78 in a few weeks. I love my DH and this breaks my heart. We have wonderful children- thank goodness! Although I am very careful not to expect too much from them .
Felt very sorry for myself yesterday, today today feels better - the weather looks brighter so I think we will be taking a walk later.
Primrose you have much to contend with - its not easy !

Warbler I really feel for you. Not sure I could deal with that. My husband is, thank God, continent so all I have to do is empty urine bottles and disinfect them and make sure there are always toilet rolls to hand in bathroom.