Guilt at feelings of resentment

winterwhite

Thank you for so much kindness.

No, he didn’t expect me to do everything for him when he was well. And he seems unaware of me doing it now. Just daydreams and looks out of the window. If I say I’m tired or hot he says Come and sit down then.

I haven’t tried carers to sit with him while I do my own thing. No family near enough for that. That’s good advice and will be acted on.

Try to have 2 hours EVERY day which is just for you, it makes a huge difference. I was a carer for 11 years my husband was totally paralysed, could not speak or eat normal food, I took him out every day and we lived a good life despite his severe illness. You must look after yourself, as if you have burnout where would your husband be? remember you are totally his. comfort blanket all he wants is you by his side and yes preferably sitting down holding his hand. Just like min wanted. Do it as much as you can, chill with him when you can, but get your daily break too is it vital to stay sane. You will not regret it, but will definitely regret it if you don't when it is too late to do so. Good luck and please accept every bit of help you can. Your health and your mind matters most.

You are completely normal and brave to own up to what many of us must feel at times. My LDH was an absolute nightmare for the last 12 months of his life. Early dementia, then delirium turned him from a loving caring man to a paranoid and at times violent stranger. The guilt I felt when I was relieved when he began spending more time and longer stays in hospital was horrendous. And when it became obvious he was nearing the end and wanted to come home I really wanted the hospital to say no!! We did have him home for the last two weeks with carers coming in four times a day and I am so grateful I was able to have that time with him. But the guilt is still lingering. Take the help offered and as others have said none of us are saints . Look after yourself and give yourself a break.

I have been using a service called you care reminders which send DH reminders that he can confirm so I know he has read and acknowledged them. Its not much but has been a great reassurance even with simple things like staying hydrated. youcarereminders.co.uk/

I'm also in the not saintly club. Just because I am outwardly OK looking, people seem to assume I have nursing skills (nop) and limitless energy - also no. I do what I can but find it very hard coping with a very unpredictable old fellow. One day apparently on the ball - next day where is the ball...

Focus on the positives - you say your husband is kind and affectionate - I know through friends (and forums like this) many husbands are not. Would it be an idea to perhaps focus a little on yourself and maybe find a group of likeminded people you can meet with for perhaps crafts (learn a new one!), conversation and get a little time for yourself. I am I'm afraid the one who needs more care although not too much - just lifting, carrying and opening jars. I encourage my husband, who has infinite patience with me, to play sport where he can meet up with friends a couple of days a week, which I know he enjoys.

Join the non-saintly club. If dh were to hover over me I would point at a chair and say sit there, I'll tell you when it's found. Husbands of the ilk you mention, and apologies if I'm getting yours wrong, respond to clear repeated
commands. Tongue only half in cheek. You have to be firm.

One of our neighbours had a chair-bound husband with advanced dementia and insisted on keeping him at home though he was not aware whom he was with or where he was. She was simply temperamentally not suited to caring for anybody, found it frustrating and could be heard shouting at him.
Eventually she did get more help and life was easier when she had time to herself and could get out, but eventually there comes a time when care elsewhere is necessary, even for the most saintly.

In your position I think I'd accept all the help I can get, anything that eases your load and makes life better.

I would corroborate what Butterandjam just said. When my FiL was housebound and entirely dependent on my MiL, social services arranged for him to go to a day centre in the local community hospital a couple of days a week. It was a godsend. They arranged for him to have a bath while he was there and he saw a chiropodist who would deal with his nails.

His combination of heart/lung issues probably means less oxygen is reaching his brain making it sluggish.. Together with hot weather and early alzheimers he is probably in a mental cloud of lack of attention, forgetfulness and confusion.

It's going to get worse and perhaps you will need to adjust the way you get the message across.

doesn't react to requests for a modicum of help

Try reframing it very clear and direct.

Instead of "please can you lend a hand putting the clean laundry away ? " try

"Jim, put these sheets in the linen cupboard, thankyou. ".

You might also put reminder stickers around the house to prompt his memory . such as "pants" and "socks" on the relevant drawers.

If you can get help, it's time to arrange it now, to protect your own wellbeing. Perhaps someone will keep him company so you can have a regular break of a day to yourself out of the house. Or, if a paid carer can take him out for a day, (or just walk, cinema, lunch ) you can have some peace at home. My neighbour who went through this , arranged for her husband to spend a day a week in a day care centre.

Amongst the many many things which blighted Paw’s life was emergency open heart surgery in London in 2011. Once home he was recommended for cardiac rehab involving weekly gym type exercise under strict medical supervision. We carers , wives, husbands partners whatever spent that time in a support group with ( I think ) a counsellor, anyway, it was designed to be a safe space where we could let our hair down, ask questions, have a moan or a rant, just get the whole 24/7 caring thing off our chest. What was said there stayed there, none of us knew each other so it was quite anonymous and it really helped to know one was not alone, not the only one at the end of their tether, to get the resentment and guilt out of your system and know others felt the same.
You are not alone.

Thank you for so much kindness.

No, he didn’t expect me to do everything for him when he was well. And he seems unaware of me doing it now. Just daydreams and looks out of the window. If I say I’m tired or hot he says Come and sit down then.

I haven’t tried carers to sit with him while I do my own thing. No family near enough for that. That’s good advice and will be acted on.

winterwhite Be assured you are absolutely normal. I do not know of any carer who does not at times, sometimes all the time, feel just as you do.

If someone said they never felt like that I would not believe them.

MawsRosie

Paw was not unlike that in his last year of life - at the time I admit I felt resentment. Now I realise that the cumulative effects of his health sapped him of the energy to do more than survive one day to the next.
Retirement project?
What’s that?
I was far from saintly and still feel massive guilt that I often seethed inwardly.
And yes, you did sign up for it if you promised to love and care for him in sickness and in health, for better for worse etc.

Try not to feel guilty. We are all human, and those emotions that you felt were totally natural. I bet that most of us, if honest, would feel no different in in that situation. Be kind to yourself, and try to remember that you did your best at time.

I would say the same to winterwhite - as guilty as you might feel might feel at times, your life has become very difficult and your feelings are 100% natural.
I wish you all the best.

winterwhite, you mention that you could have more help if needed. I would take this up now as the daily grind builds.
No one knows what the future holds, all we can do is try and manage our 'now'.
Take whatever is available and look after youself as best you can, what you are doing is (I know all too well) is so very hard day after day

I think it's reasonable to be resentful he more or less obliges you to do things he could do, neither is that helpful for him in terms of keeping mind active etc.

Is this new, or did he always except you to do it?

Only you can decide either

..."I'm not going to do x and y, I shall leave him to find/do this"

or,

since you can, buy in more help and thus release more time for you .

winterwhite

Gransnet seems full of saintly carers and I fall way short of the standard, which distresses me.

My DH has multiple problems with heart, lungs a bit, balance and mild Alzheimers. The heat is not kind to him.

We're just back from a few days away for a family function with everyone exclaiming how well he was doing.
He did not lift a finger before we went. Not to decide which of his clothes to take, not to help pack them or carry them. Now we are home again and it's the same in reverse. He steps gingerly round anything on the floor, doesn't react to requests for a modicum of help. Asks for things in a bag I haven't got to and stands over me while I find them.

He is not bad tempered and is affectionate. I know I'm tired. I have plenty of help. I could have more. I know it's going to get worse. Goodbye to my own retirement project.

Is there no limit to In sickness and in health? I sometimes feel I never signed up for this.

How do others manage?

I care full time for my husband who had a massive stroke just under two years ago and I hear what you are saying. We are only human and so have feelings of resentment from time to time, it can be exhausting and thankless caring for a DH with cognitive problems, I will add physical disabilities and visual impairment to this and of course we are allowed to feel grief and at times anger for the life we both should have been enioying.
You need respite, are there close relatives who can help out so you can take a break?
I find that just a walk for an hour or so whilst a member of the family or a relative sits with my DH can help enormously. Sadly I haven’t been able to do this recently due to the heat.
But please don’t beat yourself up am sure you are doing a great job in the circumstances and are allowed to feel sorry for yourself occasionally, I know that I do but it is what it is and if we let such feelings get the upper hand those feelings will make everything so much worse.

Paw was not unlike that in his last year of life - at the time I admit I felt resentment. Now I realise that the cumulative effects of his health sapped him of the energy to do more than survive one day to the next.
Retirement project?
What’s that?
I was far from saintly and still feel massive guilt that I often seethed inwardly.
And yes, you did sign up for it if you promised to love and care for him in sickness and in health, for better for worse etc.

WW I know of no “paragons” on Gransnet.

It was bad enough (not in a nasty way) caring for my DM and DF and I just cannot envisage how I’d cope if my DH needed care on a permanent basis.

I had a taste of this back in 2020 when he had a heart attack, but he was a very fit and healthy man and with a stent and extensive daily meds and lifestyle changes, although he is medically in “heart failure” and also has very low BP, on the whole, other than a few scares, he has made a good recovery. He’s 70 now so would have been just coming up to 65 and really was the worst patient imaginable!

I think you’re doing brilliantly and should not ever feel guilty about your resentment because it’s perfectly normal.

He sounds a lovely (pretty normal) man. I also did/do all the arranging for trips etc and did so before his heart attack.

Once I left it to him to his own packing and when we arrived at our destination he’d forgotten to pack any of his underwear!

Try and build in some planning for “later on”, respite care, time on your own and don’t give up on your own retirement plans. They might need tweaking or changing slightly, but you deserve to enjoy your retirement as much as possible.

Good luck and be kind to yourself

It’s sad you’re feeling so resentful when your husband is obviously not meaning to be a nuisance
Perhaps you can still do some of your planned activities if family would have your husband to give you a break. You say you have plenty of help and could have more. So maybe that’s your answer
No one signs up for a partners ill heath or inability to help with organisation no one gets married expecting to have to nurse their husband but I suppose he didn’t sign up for being ill in old age either.
You say he’s affectionate and good tempered many would love those two traits in a partner.

I guess that people saying how well he looks is an indirect compliment to you although it doesn’t seem that way. It’s no wonder you feel tired and resentful. Be kind to yourself and if it gets too much don’t feel you can’t ask for help. x