Cheer us up with your best joke/funny story

A woman goes into the greengrocer's and says,"A pound of nuts, please and not too many coconuts"
That's dated, isn't it?

Janreb & Liz08 - thanks for that - you made me laugh out loud. Brilliant!

Woman walks into a bar, barman says "what can I get you"? she says " i'll have a double entendre" so he gave her one.

Man joins a toast master's club and at the first meeting one of the members gives a talk. At intervals he says "seventeen" or "sixty three" or some other number and everyone falls about laughing. New member is puzzled. After the talk he asks someone what all that was all about.

"Oh, that's simple," is the reply, "we have all heard all the jokes before and know them by heart, so to save time we have them all written down in a book, all numbered, and we just need to say the number and everyone knows the joke"

New member is most impressed and when it is his turn to speak, he borrows the book and notes down the numbers of a few good ones. He gives his speech up to the first joke, says "thirty two" and waits for the laughter. None, just bored expressions. He ploughs on, "forty nine", nothing, "seventy eight", nothing.

In the bar later he asks a fellow member what went wrong. "Oh, the jokes were OK" he answered, "It's the way you tell them"

Just seen I should have put "toastmasters' ". Sorry. Don't want to be savaged in pedants' corner.

Pinched from Folksy forum :-

What is the difference between a female jogger and a sewing machine? The sewing machine only has one bobbin!

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
A jafinkitsaurus.

Cameron and Clegg on an aeroplane
Cameron..“I could throw a £1000 note out of this plane and make 1 person very happy”
Clegg…… “I could throw 10 £100 notes out of this plane and make 10 people very happy”
Pilot……. “I could throw you both out of this plane and make millions happy”

one I recieved by text this morning, 20 irish youths have just looted Argos in Dublin, the are currently waiting at collection point C

A 6ft tall white rabbit walks into a pub and asks if they do food. He is given a list and orders a toasted chese sandwich. The naturally surprised bar staff soon get used to this unusual customer and every day for the next six months the rabbit spends his lunchtime in the pub and always has a toasted cheese sandwich. One day he goes in and the barman says "usual sir"?, no says the rabbit I'll have a ham and tomato sandwich today. For the next six months there is no sign of the rabbit and the bar staff have no idea what has happened, then one day he apprears again. The barman is delighted and greets his old customer. I'm not really here says the rabbit, I died and am just a ghost. I am so sorry says the barman, what happened? Oh it was mixing me toasties that did it says the rabbit!!!

Tonight's crop of jokes is vintage stuff - have laughed aloud several times!! No-one offended that some are rather more 'adult'?

No offence taken - I think the jokes are wonderful, just what we needed this week. I just wish I could remember jokes - they don't stay in my memory so I'm tempted to print this post out to keep for posterity

My neighbour came knocking on my door at 2.30 this morning,would you believe that!!2.30!!

Luckily for him I was still up playing the Bagpipes.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were in a pub boastng about their children, the Englishman said:
" My George, he's absolutely certain to play cricket for England, and no doubt will become an MP. We called him George because he was born on St Georges' day"

The Scotsman replied:
"Humph, that's nothing. Our Andrew will no doubt be a highland games champion and a world class golfer. We named him Andrew as he was born on St Andrew's day."

The Irishman could barely contain himself as he leapt up and said:
"Oh, just wait 'till I tell you about my boy Pancake!"

(Imagining the accents helps!)

A little girl was given a real watch and a bottle of perfume for her birthday. She was thrilled and spent the rest of the day reeking of scent, with the watch clamped to her ear to hear the ticking. Everyone in the house and every visitor had to sniff the scent and listen to the watch, until they were fed up to the back teeth.
Next day a great-aunt was visiting who was well known for her attitude to children (seen and not heard, must have impeccable manners) so the proud birthday girl was warned that on no account was she to pester her, or mention birthdays, watches, or perfume.
She managed to contain herself for a while, but eventually it was too much for her. She sidled up to great-aunt and whispered in her ear "If you hear a little noise, and smell a little smell, it's just me"

A 'clean' joke:

Paddy: The doctor says I'm allergic to soap.
Seamus: How d'you wash your hands then?
Paddy: I wear rubber gloves of course...

(Apologies to Irish grans).

A filthy joke:

Did you hear about the woman that fell down the sewer? She couldn't swim but she was going through the motions.

Sorry, can't think of any really naughty ones. I've just spent ten days in close company with 7-year-old GS who specialises in lavatorial humour!

Ok, really pushing the boundaries here!

Did you know that "Wife" is not a word, it's an acronym.

It stands for:
Washing, Ironing, F**@%ing and everything else.

A high school Headmaster had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the girl’s toilets they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the girl’s toilets at 2pm.

They gathered at 2pm and found the headmaster and the school caretaker waiting for them. The headmaster explained that it was becoming a problem for the caretaker to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The caretaker then demonstrated. He took a long brush out of a bucket, dipped it in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old? Well . . . .

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 40-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Rangeworthy Courth School.
"Yes, yes I did. I'm a Ranger!" he beamed with pride.
"When did you leave to go to college?" I asked
He answered "in 1966. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed
He looked at me closely.
Then that ugly, old, bald, fat a$$ed, grey haired, decrepit, old g*t asked me...
"What did you teach?"

yogagran you can't beat real-life humour , I actually nearly wet myself laughing!

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward ! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh yeah, I get it," the caretaker says matter of factly, "he's decomposing!"

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

New Alphabet :
A is for apple, and B is for boat, that used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said, but let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now The Alphabet:

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H for high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a
pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

Police STOP at 1 a.m.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

There you go jangly, a bit of humour!