Cheer us up with your best joke/funny story

Absolutely priceless! Can't wait till DS comes down on Saturday - he says I never tell him any good jokes!

Well seeing as this thread is going down hill -
Two women go for a night on the town and on the way home need to spend a penny. There is nowhere except the local cemetary so they pop behind the gravestones. One says she will use her knickers to wipe, second one says she can't do that as her underwear cost her a fortune so she uses a ribbon off a wreath. Both carry on home. Next morning the husband of one phones the other husband and says " I am putting a stop to these nights out, last night my wife came home without any knickers on". Second husband says "That's nothing, my wife came home with a card stuck on her backside that says "From all at the fire staion, we will never forget you"!

A rabbi goes into a New York bar with a toad on his shoulder. "Wow," says the barman "Where did you get that". "Brooklyn" says the toad "there's hundreds of them down there!"

Back to the donkey before I split my sides again!

What do you call a donkey with only one eye and three legs?

A winky wonky donkey!

There is more but I'm too convulsed at all the above 'mucky' stuff to remember what it is!

An O'irish Story.

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems
'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot.'

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Darling” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “Honey whats for supper?”
She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

em Love that one. This thread is going downhill. Glad to say.

Young husband had recently joined the Fire Service and was very enthusiastic. Said to young wife he wanted their sex life to run like a drill. 'When I come home I'll shout '1' and I want you to run into the bedroom. When I shout '2' you jump into bed. At the shout of '3' I'll start to make love to you.' She agreed to give it a try. Everything went according to plan 1..2..3.. and then she called out 4...4...4! He asked,puzzled,'That's not part of the drill.What does 4 mean?'
She retorted '4 means roll out more hose 'cos you're nowhere near the fire!!!'

What do you do if you see a space-man?

Park in it man! (sorry!)

This one is better !!!!

Paddy goes into the pub, orders 3 pints of Guinness and sits at a table all alone. He takes a sip from one, then the second and then the third repeating this until all three pints have gone. He then leaves for home.
He arrives at the pub every Friday evening for several weeks after that - orders the three pints of Guinness and drinks them all sipping from each glass in turn.
One evening the barman couldn't contain his curiosity any longer and tells Paddy that as Guinness quickly goes flat so he would be better ordering and drinking one pint at a time.
Paddy explained he couldn't do that.
Seamus and Mick, his brothers had moved away. Seamus to England and Mick to Australia. Before their departure the boys made a pact - have a drink together every Friday evening and that was what he was doing!
Fair enough says the barman and Paddy continued to come in on Friday evenings for several more months.
One Friday evening Paddy arrives as usual looking a bit downcast and only orders two pints of Guinness. He sat at his usual table sipping first from one and then the other until both glasses were empty. He finally gets up to leave when the barman approaches him.
"Paddy" he said "We noticed you only ordered the two pints this evening. We are so sorry, you have obviously had bad news"
Paddy looked at him for a moment and then laughed!
"Nah, Seamus and Mick are both fine. I only ordered two pints because I have given up drinking!"

Time for bed I think!
Nytol !!!!

Here is another oldie - Two blokes are sunbathing in the nude when a crowded double-decker bus drives past on the other side of the 6 foot wall. One seizes a towel and throws it rapidly over the family jewels. The other wraps his towel round his head. after the bus has passed they both remove the towels. "I don't know about you" said the second man, "But people usually recognise me by my face"

These are oldies from the sixties, dredged up out of the depths of my memory. A friend from Newcastle had an endless fund of similar tales. She died at the early age of 37 from breast cancer, but I remember her every time I hear the words "faux pas"

Just remembered another.

A solitary Viking in a rowboat rows up to the shore and shouts to onlookers (imagine a Geordie accent) "Have youse been pillaged today?" "No" comes the reply. Viking shakes his head and rows off up the coast. At the next landfall he shouts again "Have your houses been set on fire today?" "No" Sighs and rows off again. A bit further up the coast at the next little port he asks "Has anyone been raped today?" "No".

He rests his oars dejectedly and surveys the horizon. "I wonder where the lads have gone?"

Elegran.... wonderful.... told all my birdie friends..... all aching with laughter!

That's funny!!!

Then there was the golfing pro who was giving a lesson to a young lady. He stood close behind her and reached his hands round to put her hands into the correct position to hold the club. Unfortunately his zip then got caught in her skirt, and the more they struggled to detach it the more firmly it was jammed. So the only thing for it was to walk together to the clubhouse to get help, still in two-spoons-in-the-dishwasher formation.

All went well until they were passing a small copse, where an alsatian sprang out and threw a bucket of water over them.

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is ...... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'


Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

NO, The duck didn't say THAT !





... Don't be SO disgusting!



The duck said....






'I am a DRAKE, You made a MISTAKE!!

Elegran..... best laugh in ages!!!

Phoenix started it. You'll be glad to know that my sausages were delicious and not at all burnt (but I did remember to prick them)

elegran,

Elegran

That would have been better if I had checked my spelling first. I meant "faux-pas" of course. I was hurrying because I have sausages grilling.

Well if we are getting dodgy -

New footman hears the word"faus-pas" which he does not understand and asks the butler to explain it.

"Well" says butler "Do you remember last Sunday the vicar came to visit and Miss Jemima was showing him the roses in the rose garden. The vicar caught his hand on a thorn picking one for her, and cut it quite badly. Then while you were serving afternoon tea on the lawn , Miss Jemima said "Oh vicar, is your prick still throbbing?" and you dropped the teatray and said "Jesus Christ" ? That was a faux-pas, James.that was a faux-pas"

OK Ladies, I want you to picture the scene, it is a hot, steamy night in the Deep South of the USA. 3 women, Primrose, Delilah and Tulip are sitting out on the back porch, gently fanning themselves, sipping their Mint Juleps, when the talk turns, as it always does, to their menfolk. (The following conversation should be "heard" in deep south, black afro-american accent)

Primrose " hey, Tulip, remind me again, what it is you call your man?"

Tulip "well, I call him "Big John", 'cos he's a biiiig man, y'all know what I'm sayin? So, Primrose, what is it that you call your man?

Pimrose " I always call him 7Up, 'cos when we gets down to it, there is 7 inches, up where it matters!" But Delilah, you aint told us what you call your man!?"

Delilah " I call him "Drambuie"

Tulip "Why the hell d'you call him " Drambuie", aint that some kind of fancy liquor?"

Delilah "Uuuum hmmmmm, that's my man!"

P.S. NannyM I told our 4 year old grandson the joke about the stick - he thought it was hilarious and now tells it to everyone he meets!

A young doctor was asked if he would give a talk to a group of young wives on getting the best out of their marital relations. "OK," he said, "but I'll have to tell my wife I'm talking about sailing". During a conversation, his wife was told how much they were all looking forward to her husband's talk. "I can't think why", she said "He's only done it twice - the first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off!"

You're travelling through the US and terrible storms arise. As you fight your way through high winds and impending floods, you see a figure precariously gripping the branch of a tree directly over a surging river. You look closer, as the branch begins to crack, and realise it's George W. Bush. You have seconds to make up your mind as he sinks closer and closer to the raging torrent below. What do you do?

You whisk out your camera but do you photograph him in black and white or in colour?