Is this the place to raise the subject of adoption?

Oh susie I can imagine. I had my DD in a mother and baby home 47 years ago, and remember the pressure to relinquish her. But I was a lucky one - my parents came round quickly once I'd had her. ((hugs))

susiecb that's so sad.

susiecb sorry.

ariadne

I had a baby at 16 and forty odd years ago that ws a terrible sin so she was adopted. i wass told the adopive parents will ggive her a much better life than you could and bring her up properly. She found me about 10 years ago and that was OK. Trouble is her adoptive parents bought her up to be a lazy, selfish hypochondriac.

Ariadne

Ariadne how lovely that two children have "found" a place in the heart of your family. Many congratulations all round.

Ariadne that is lovely, I wish you all the joy in the world

Ariadne, that's wonderful news. Those little boys are loved so much already, I'm sure.

ariadne
How super for your family

It is very interesting to read this thread - I worked as a SW in a maternity hospital when I first qualified and was involved in adoption quite a bit - mostly what were then called unmarried mothers who felt they had little choice but to give up their babies. It is interesting that on this thread the adopters were mainly blessed with children from that scenario; but nowadays it is all completely - single mothers now mainly keep their children and those that come up for adoption are those who have been received into care because of family problems, so they tend to be older, damaged emotionally, disabled or part of a set of siblings - it is all so different now.

A very close family member adopted two and one of her children is so damaged - their lives are ruled by this child's needs and it is enormously stressful. And there is virtually no support from the placing agency or organisations like CAMHS. I am very troubled by the stress under which they are living - their lives have been ruined really - which sounds harsh, but it really is the case. They love this child and strive to do their best, but the cost is huge.

Wonderful for you and your family, Ariadne. Are you moving to be closer to them?

I notice that em was a poster on this thread and realise we haven't heard from her for a long time. Are you there, em, 'lurking' in the background?

Thank you Ariadne, that's lovely news ]

Just to say that we now have two new grandsons of 2 and nearly 4! They are lovely, and we are all joyful. They had been in care for over 18 months.

Theirs is not my story to tell, but I did so much want to share this with you all.

Oh, thank you, Em. They will hang on, I know, and so will we. x

Ariadne - my heart goes out to you and the potential adopters. 35 years ago I made enquiries about adoption expecting to be told of a long, difficult and maybe impossible process. I was SO lucky and I know that the 'rules' have changed since then. However, please encourage them to hang on in there! I know of a young couple whose son has just celebrated his 2nd birthday - having been adopted at 10 months. He could have been with them so much sooner but now it really doesn't matter to any of them. My dear niece qualified a couple of years ago as a social worker and now has the job she dreamed of -dealing with prospective foster parents - either short term or with adoption in prospect. She is very dedicated and conscientious and I know she will bring happiness to families very like the one you are supporting.

I wrote something here then deleted it because I felt it was too personal, but it's all about the heartrending process of adopting. I fully accept that children's needs, and their safety, are paramount, but am witnessing almost two years af training and investigation and errors by the local authority, while somewhere there are children waiting in care for a good home. Meanwhile, two prospective parents are waiting too.

Did you know that you can't adopt someone who is eighteen or over. We discovered this when we tried to adopt and were shocked. It was very important to us and the prospective adobtee: such a disappointment (it would have made the person's son into our "real" grandchild"). One of these days I'm going to bring it up with our MP but have more important things to lobby her about just now, like Climate Change and what this government's not doing about it.........sorry, I easily get off the subject.

That's absolutely perfect em - I wish my DIL had been told something like that then perhaps she wouldn't have a HUGE chip of her shoulder about not being "wanted"

Jacey - if you ask my DD1 when she was told of her adoption, she'd tell you that she just always knew! I built the facts into bedtime stories which became favourites and then included DD2 too. It simply told about a man and lady who were very happy and the only thing they wanted in the whole world was a baby of their own. It was very closely tailored to suit her as the best baby in the world would have red hair, freckles etc etc. It went on as you'd expect but the punch-line was always.....'and the lady was Mummy and the man was Daddy and the baby was YOU!' She has always seemed confident abut her adoption - to the extent that she has pointed out to her brother (conceived unexpectedly and naturally 10 years later!) that he was just a fluke!! PS We never told them that Mummy and Daddy had a choice of lots of babies and chose them.

Like absentgrana I too posted on the In My Day thread - sorry!

I am adopted, my birth mother is now my friend - she lives only about 30 miles away - even though we are both originally from London we are both now in the SW of England.

I have 3 half siblings, 2 of whom I have met one still to meet.

I grew up knowing that I was special and had been chosen by my parents, unlike the rest of humanity who had to take the child they were given!!
When I was pregnant myself I began to understand the complexity of giving up a child and decided to trace my birth mother. Sadly my adoptive mother had some serious mental health issues, many of which I now suspect were connected to the fact that she did not have children born to her. She would have been destroyed to think that I needed to find by birth mother and would have perceived it as her having failed in some way as a mother. I finally met S about 6 years ago, after the death of my adoptive mother, and we have maintained a relationship ever since.

When my son was born my husband and I decided not to have a second child but to adopt one, and we went through the adoption approval process.

As someone who was adopted I found it incredibly interesting and moving, sadly the social worker from the right on London borough we were with had difficulty in understanding our motivation, she insisted I attended counselling to explore the issues around my own adoption. Many of the others on the course did not understand why I wanted to adopt if I could have a child born to me.

It was like having a jigsaw with a couple of bits missing and then finding them and the picture being complete, all the questions are now answered.
Sadly I never met my father, however I do know that my son is the image of him!

I have a relation by marriage, who was adopted. He found out badly ...his adoptive mother died,then, one day on holiday ...still at primary school ...he found his adoption papers!! It wasn't until he was about to leave home to go to on to college that he spoke to his father about it. This really scarred him.

Many years later, when I was doing some family research, I pointed out to him ...that if he didn't trace his birth mother ...his children would always have that part of their heritage closed to them.

Well he, his wife and their children did find and have met his 'first' family ...many of his siblings have similar interests to him, one the same career. He understands why he was given up ...and has come to terms with it emotionally.

I wonder ...when is a good time to tell a child that they are adopted?

Hi em I've just posted to you on the In My Day thread. Didn't know you'd already started a separate one on adoption. Whoops.

I've read SusieB's posts with great interest and I appreciate sharing her experience. My DD1's birth mum is a regular visitor and we both found it hugely reassuring when we first met and were able to fill the gaps. What surprised both of us was our different perceptions of the adoption. She told me that she was so grateful that we enabled her to go back to unversity, while I was just incredibly grateful to her for the precious gift of my DD. We laughed at the thought of measuring the amount of gratitude and who had won! She went on to have more children, all of whom my DD has met. DD2 however has no wish at all to trace and meet her birth mother. My girls are very different and each has her own point of view. I believe they are both right and they have made their own decisions.